When It Is Okay To Shit Your Pants: Requesting The Official Guidelines

// // 187 Comments
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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It had been a long day. My helper Matty and I had spent the day installing an alarm in an old shit-box of a house, which isn't uncommon. It's the nature of the business, I suppose. We do a lot of subcontracting work and most the jobs we do are the freebies all the big alarm companies give out. But work is work.

The crawl space -- that is, the space underneath the home -- of this particular house was rather inhospitable. Very tight and extremely nasty. Myself being of all two-hundred-and-twenty pounds wasn't about to go in there. In fact, since I own the company, there was nary a shot in hell that I would go in there anyway.

Matty shined his Maglight in and just gave me that "I really wish I had a gun so I could shoot you in the asshole" look. (Bonus points to anyone who a] knows what movie getting shot in the asshole is from and b] what is shooting someone in the asshole is called.) But he knew that as the helper, it was his duty to crawl his little boney ass under there and not so much as make a peep about. And he did just that.

"I really deserve hazard pay for this shit," he said, as he military-crawled underneath some ductwork.

"And to think I fired you last week, and here you are today," I replied. "Should have taken that job at Wal-Mark, fucko."

We started wiring up the house as we normally would. Matty was crawling around under the house, running the wires and then handing them out to me. All was progressing nicely until Matty had a problem. I dropped down a wire to Matty and screamed down for him to pull. Nothing happened. I screamed three more times and still nothing. Fearing that Matty had been devoured by a rabid raccoon (he's almost small enough), I went outside and peered my head into the crawl space.

"'The fuck are you doing down here?? Get in the game!!"

Still, no response from Matty. So I crawled in there. And I saw Matty's shoes.

I grabbed his leg. "Dude, what are you doing? I've been calling your stupid ass for like ten minutes. I was kinda hoping you were dead."

He rolled himself over with a whimper and sneered back at me: "I shit my fucken' pants, you asshole. I was trying to get out of here to get to the toilet and I got scared by a big spider and shit myself! What am I going to do?"

"You're sure as shit not getting in my truck!!"

Ever so gingerly, he traversed the labyrinth of this underground hellhole, bitching the whole time. "Fucken' hate this job, fucken' hate you, fucken' shit my pants." I just had to laugh because, well, it was pretty damn funny from my point of view.

Matty went into the house and cleaned himself up as best he could. The underwear, fortunately, was the only casualty of this battle. In true gladiator style, Matty sacked up and finished working the rest of the day -- sans underwear, of course.

On the ride home, we began to discuss the semantics of how one shits oneself. My theory goes as follows: I will hold my shit until it is physically impossible to do so any more and then for ten minutes after that. If at that time I am unable to procure a place of dispatch, I will have no other recourse except to shit myself. This is really the only time that shitting yourself is okay. There are asterisks attached to this, of course, but this is the general principle. If you shit yourself because you were trying to push out big fart: unacceptable. If you shit yourself because you were really shit-faced drunk: unacceptable. If you sneeze and shit yourself... well, that's a tough one. I'll leave that one and the rest of the caveats, addendums, and corollaries up to the PoopReport community to decide.

187 Comments on "When It Is Okay To Shit Your Pants: Requesting The Official Guidelines"

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

I used to know a security guard who was not allowed to leave his post at a front entrance, even to go to the toilet. I considered this to be probably illegal, but he'd pee in a bottle when he needed to. When he needed a shit though, his only option was to hold it in. There were several times when he could not hold it in any longer and had to shit his pants, so he said.

My view was that if he couldn't leave his post to answer the call of nature and couldn't be relieved by another guard, he should at least carry a supply of plastic bags and paper with him for crap purposes, but he insisted that he couldn't do this because his post was covered by CCTV. This meant that his boss would know if Tony had left his post when he wound through the tapes the next day, and he'd also be able to see if Tony squatted down to shit in a bag and it would be humiliating. A pee, he could handle, as he could discretely piss in his bottle while sitting at his desk and be out of camerashot, but if he dumped in his underwear, nobody would know except him. I was sceptical about this, as with beshitted pants he'd certainly be in no comfortable condition to give chase to someone if necessary, or greet a visitor, but he insisted that shitting his pants was the only option if he couldn't hold it any longer.

I got the truth from his wife however. It seemed that shitting his pants was not a rare occurrence. It happened frequently because he actually enjoyed the sensation of doing it, enjoyed sitting in the mess and got a kick out of presenting his wife with his shitty underpants and trousers at the end of a shift.

Needless to say, their marriage did not last. Neither did his job, although for what reason, I can only speculate.

To answer the point raised in your fine story PP, I would say that a shart is acceptable, as is being drunk, as is a sudden involuntary release (sneezing,etc) as is being terrified to the point of voiding one's sphincter. But to shit oneself because one feels that one has no other choice... sorry I don't buy that. Unless one had diarrhoea, finding a place to squat down and release the chocolate hostage should be possible in most situations. It doesn't have to be a toilet, merely somewhere offering a small amount of privacy, even if it's behind a bush, car, building or anywhere. As soon as I feel the tugging I begin to look for a suitable place to unload, as I feel most people would. Only loose bowels should make one feel the need that filling one's pants is the only option.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Agreed PP, drunkenness is no excuse for filling your pants, nor is following through from over-adventurous farting. The only acceptable reason for dumping dung in the undies is illness.

The voice of sanity

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Sickness should have definitely been on the list as a viable excuse to crap ones pants.

I had short-term IBS during the fall of 2006 because of a sick pet. During one particularly bad morning, I was sick to my stomach (said pet has his eye enucleated the day previous) and had the runs. Before I was finished going, I had the terrible urge to vomit; and for some reason our waste basket was not in reach. I turned around to puke in the toilet and splat! I decorated the laundry hamper across from it with a butt burp at the same time that I puked. I could not help it.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I look at it this way, if there were less shitting of the pants, there would be less great poop report storys of the sort.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Agreed. Sickness is certainly allowed.

But as Phats says, without the stories of pants filling, PR would be a poorer place.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Agreed, illness is the only acceptable reason for shitting your pants. But that doesn't mean I won't piss myself laughing about other poop mishaps.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

A few years ago I was at the county fair and I had some serious IBS kick in, possibly from the fine carnival food. I was at the point where I was literally running looking for a bathroom. I ran then the panic kicked in I realized it was too late, the liquid lava had its way over me. I ran behind a trailor and expelled what was left and used the other side of my undies to wipe what I could and tossed it under the trailor. About 30 feet away I see the bathroom, I went inside and let loose the second wave and cleaned up the best I could. I dont call it a sickness issue but I dont think it was my fault I shit myself either.

Anonymous Coward's picture

it is acceptable to shit your pants when seated on an expensively upholstered seat at your soon-to-be ex-wife's attorney's office. Especially as he is telling you how little of what you have worked and slaved for over the past 15 years you get to keep. Best done with massive waterloss diarrhea, under the guise of an accident.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I'm shocked to find out that there are unacceptable reasons to shit one's pants...I must meditate on this.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I've had bosses like you. It usually ends with me handcuffed in the back of a squad car, while he takes an ambulance ride.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I agree with Bilge.....I thought it was OK to just shit your pants for fun. The looks on the faces of those around you, and their wrinkled noses, is priceless.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Geezerhood is also a legitimate excuse to crap in your pants, especially if you can do it somewhere really annoying, like the check-out line of the grocery store.

My Momma, who has Alzheimer's, has done precisely this before. The look she gets on her face is kinda like Clara Peller in the the "Where's the beef?" commercials by Wendy's.
_______
My special needs student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Peristalsis's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I used to have enough sphincter strength to hold back most logs & they'd usually fold back upon themselves, meld with the next load in queue and produce bizarre, striated (and massive) dumps. These days I wonder how I'd fare. Probably not so well.

My last "in-pant event" was back in '95 during a traffic jam in Pennsylvania...yep, on a highway leading to Hershey. We were stuck on a bridge, and there were cops behind me. I just let it sneak out and dealt with things later. I wasn't exactly sure how the gendarmes would react to the sight of me sticking my ass over the side of a bridge. I'd already had a run-in a few years before that just for stopping to pee in some bushes on the side of the road. To avoid jail seems like a decent enough reason.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

I wanna know the answer to the questions.And El Scummy, that poopy pants friend of yours? he had to have horrilbe diaper rash.

But agreed. Only when your sick. I have come close when I was drunk,though.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

"leading to hershey"...haha was that a pun?

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

it is ok to shit your pants when you hear the beating of the wings of the angel of death.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Anonymous, if you have kids and your soon-to-be ex-wife took care of them for any amount of time, then that 15 years of slaving is not all yours. There are always two sides to a divorce.

Phats, you should elaborate on that carnival story and submit it for the front page. Taking a dump behind a trailer definitely is a hallmark statement for a quality poopreport.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Does shitting in a Speedo come under this topic?

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

The only time you should shit yourself is when you can not help it
_______
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Dear Russell:

I think that your conclusion is axiomatic.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

And it's pretty obvious too.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Conclusion? It's always obvious when you shit in a speedo.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Pnutty, I try not to think about it too deeply. If a chap wishes to fill his pants with shit for pleasure, he must enjoy the consequences. I'm certain it's got some psychological connection with being a youngster and enjoying sitting in shitty Huggies, but hey, I haven't seen the guy for years and I have no desire to. His ex-wife however, she's involved with someone who has fairly normal habits as far as I can tell.

And Phats, I agree with Daphne. Write it up!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Perhaps it is ok to crap your pants when you look at your quarterly 401K Report.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I will never shit my pants if I have the physical ability to drop them.

The movie in which someone gets shot in the asshole is "The Shootist" and the shooter is appropriatly The Duke.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

PD........Your comment about ChiliKahKah's comment was apothegmatic to say the least. Poop Report is certainly an educational site!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points

I think that it is okay to doody your pants if you are in the middle of some heroic act.
Fighting a fire?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Sorry Frank, but unless you're fighting a fire in hell, I think a trip to the bathroom is necessary.

Daphne, I agree about the Speedo. I have (fortunately) yet to see a balancing of the bulge act at a beach.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I would probably have made a terrible paratrooper, I am sure that I would have shit my pants on every jump.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Well, if anything Chief, you would have had a softer landing.

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

Well, its never "OK", but when its understandable is when you've held it for a reasonable amount of time and searched out every possible alternative. If you can no longer hold it and for reasons beyond your control like public indecency or other emergency, you can't just drop trou right where you are, then its justified.

These boundaries help make a good poopreport. Without boundaries their would be no tension. Without tension, all of the other fine qualities of a great poopreport are negated, if you just shit your pants for fun, who really cares?
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I'm just worried that if enough people start shitting in their pants for fun, then someone (Disney?) will put up a theme park. I can't begin to imagine the rides.

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


Answers... Movie: thing to do in denver when you're dead. What it's called: buckwheats

-Pill Pooper

-Pill Pooper

BrownPearls's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I agree on the illness excuse.

A friend told me a story once, of a woman she encountered in a department store. Apparently the woman had a bad case of IBS or just plain ole disgusting habits, but she (wearing a dress) just squatted right there in the middle of the womens department! The dress provided a little privacy, until she just stood up and walked away without batting an eye. Can you imagine having to answer that maintenance call?? "Clean up in the womens wear."

Apparently this woman never heard of adult diapers or this practice is something perfectly acceptable in her country.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

So drunkenly forgetting to pull down your thong before pooping on the toilet at a U2 concert is bad? And having to go without undies under my dress for the rest of the night is bad too? In hindsight, should've left the thong at home in the first place. Was Mother Nature was just setting things to right?
Hic*
In the end, I think it was an ok instance, if there is an instance to be had.


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

The Dunker's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

ok.. My two cents... only times its acceptable to shit thine pants,
1.When they are NOT your pants.. example.. trying on jeans at wal-mart and shitting yourself struggling to get them on.
2. If you are, in good judgement, thinking you are just squeezing out an errant fart. not one of those.."uhh might be more behind this one.. fuck it!" moments
3. If you are terrified of something beyond all belief that you evacuate..
4. and finally, you are of the elderly generations. I worked as a CNA and while giving a sponge bath to an octogenarian with alzhiemer's I had the distinct pleasure of catching a freshly baked loaf in my gloved hand! I did not judge her but that kind of horror tells me shitting your pants isn't TOO uncommon as you get very old.
_______
Good...Bad.. I'm the guy with the toilet paper.

Good...Bad.. I'm the guy with the toilet paper.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I think Frank is on to something. If the paramedic is pounding away on your chest because you've gone into cardiac arrest, should he excuse himself/herself to go get relief or just shit his/her pants while continuing to try and resuscitate you? I hate to sound so egotistical but my continued existence trumps the paramedic's unsullied britches.
_______
My special needs student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I've had scenario 4 happen to me while caring for my demented mother, Dunker. And on more than one occasion, too. But I'm saving those for a report, when I finally get around to writing up such things.
_______
My special needs student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I think unless you have a major health issue which prevents your sphincter from working properly then there is NO excuse for shitting your pants. I don't think trying to squeeze out a fart around a shit is an excuse. You should know yourself by now and should KNOW if that fart is going to be "dirty" or not. If it is you wait for a toilet or if no toilet is available you wait for the next time you can safely drop your pants and take a dump. The same goes for drunkeness.
_______
AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I have to wait until I can safely drop my pants before I can get drunk again????

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bilge, I know you have been out of the bar scene for a while. Things have changed.

Willow's picture

When I was nine, I threw up in the middle of the night due to a stomach bug. I then went downstairs and drank some tea on the couch, watching television with my dad. Unfortunately, what I thought was a fart lead to a full-out diarrhea explosion between the cracks of our fancy new couch. I covered it with my blanket and snagged a wet wipe from the bathroom and wiped it up without my dad noticing, hiding it behind my back. I then headed back upstairs to change, as my nightgown was slopped with smelly, liquefied poop. It was a great maneuver to hide poop for such a young person!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Willow, was your dad alive at the time?

Willow's Dad's picture

Dearest, darling daughter of mine, there's something you need to know about parenthood. As a parent you learn to ignore certain things that your children do. This is a process that starts almost as soon as the baby is born. You quickly learn which cries are genuine and require attention, and which cries are just games and crocodile tears. If you answer every cry, you teach your child that you can be manipulated with their tears. So, instead of making an issue of it, you learn how to ignore and pretend that you aren't even aware of it. You do this for your own sanity and for the health and well-being of your children.

Some day, Willow, when you have children, you too will understand this. When your off-spring shit all over themselves and the couch firmly engrossed in the newest episode of "Law and Odor: Special Victims Unit", you will turn on this skill that you have spent so many years honing, sparing you and your child the embarrassment of having to explain why she crapped all over the couch. Oh, you will set there and think "What the fuck has gotten into this kid?" and hope that she's not too ill or that it's not some bizarre teenage attention getting device. Most likely, though, you'll just carry on as if nothing has happened.

However, if it's any consolation, Willow, in another 40 years, when you invite this old fossil over to your house for lunch and I shit on your couch and act all awkward and embarrassed about it, you can come clean with your tail's tale and we will all have a good laugh. You'll be laughing because you thought you got away with something and I'll be laughing because, after 40 years, I finally got some payback.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Willow's Dad.........My mother's rule of thumb, which worked well, was that if the child is crying and screaming bloody murder, the child is probably not badly injured. The ones that just lie there bleeding silently are the ones you should worry about.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Dear Willow's Dad,

It's been proved that children who are ignored when they cry before the age of five months end up having issues of abandonment; while it's also been proved that children over the age of six to seven months can be spoiled.

The reason is that the human brain isn't able to differentiate between the self and others at young ages. Do you remember the first time your child dropped a toy and was ecstatic to see it in your hand? That's the first time the child realizes that not all things are extensions of itself. This is why kids at the age of six months will drop a toy for hours for you to pick up. They're learning that things that disappear are separate from themselves. If a child isn't developmentally able to differentiate between the self and others, then when it cries and doesn't have an answer, it causes emotional and psychological trouble.

I picked up my son every time he cried, as I did my daughter, when they were babies, and now they're pretty good kids. My son is extremely well-adjusted and is one of the most self-assured kids I know. My daughter is delightful, although due to a severe illness (food poisoning) at the age of 18 months, she has some anger issues.

I'm not trying to harsh your mellow or tone of post, but when I read that someone says "let the baby cry it out", I get a bit pissed.

Pick that little fucker up. A baby is a baby for one year.

By the way, your couch stinks.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Goddammit Chief! Lol!

This does NOTHING for my credibility; but when you posted that, I was on ticketmaster.com buying Yankees/Mariners tickets for out here for 14 August. I pop back and you've replied before I was finished.

I realize that buying Yankees tickets reduces my opinion to squat unless Willow's Dad's last name is something like Munson, Jeter, or Jackson.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I have to disagree, all the way around...children should be eaten BEFORE they shit on the couch.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

I grew up with a plastic couch. Genuine imitation naugahide! It didn't matter if we shit on it.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Genuine imitation naugahide! What a spoiled and privileged childhood you had! I was a teenager before we got wall to wall floors!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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