Timing Is Everything

// // 27 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I found the secret to the perfect shit, my newly-found friends, and I feel it is my duty to share the good news. I believe that it is all about TIMING. Now I will try to explain why.

From the first methane dew dripping out of your ass until the final explosive decompression, a few milestones deserve our attention if we aspire to a timely, satisfactory, and complete evacuation of your compost. I have ripped my anus on a few occasions, mainly because I failed to pay attention to some obvious cues. I suffered many an ass bleed from straining too hard, all because the brown bastards in my bowels were held back for too long, eventually being sucked back far beyond the reach and the good will of my rectum muscles.

I'm a happy camper when comes poopoo time. I revel with pleasure when I hold back the gifts of digestion. It makes me shiver and my arm hairs raise in ecstasy. My arse inevitably breaks into a transparent methane sweat, but to my own amazement, I can't figure out where it comes from. From the shithole? The butt itself? I just can't put my finger on it.

Anyways. After breaking my waters and excreting a couple of tablespoons of this shit juice by way of osmosis, I hit the bathroom. THIS IS THE SECRET POINT IN TIME. If I wait until the sweat stops dripping from my butt, the cruise missile WILL be drawn back in by some mysterious force. If I sit on the ceramic pit before the shit dew appears, nothing will happen until the toilet seat is branded on my ass. I then become impatient, strain too hard, and my anus rips. I lose a few teaspoons of blood in the process, which is not a bad thing, I suppose -- I presume a little bleeding actually helps relieve high blood pressure. But the protruding chunks of exposed rectal flesh do sting like a fucker. Thus I recommend recognizing the signs of the shit ferry: ass sweat, do not loiter with the shivers of pleasure, and then pop out a few babies.

A little about my preferences: I prefer cow piles. Big fat pudding mounds that sit on the bottom of the toilet and protrude out of the water like mud icebergs. These are my pride and joy.

Once I was standing naked in my girlfriend's living room, and shat by accident on the carpet while waiting for her to vacate our only washroom. I shouted a salvo of verbal and anal warnings before the fact, but she herself was unloading her daily prize and could not accommodate me. So after fighting with the inevitable for a couple of minutes, dancing like a moron between the TV set and the couch, I heard a small thump near my right foot. Oh, no. My face flushed with horror. Talk about first impressions. I just moved in a week ago, and as a thank you I pop out a few lumps of crap on my girlfriend's carpet. Dandy.

She walks out, looks me in the eye, wondering what the hell I'm doing there, contorted like an imbecile. Another thump. This time it lands square between my legs. She goes: "Is it what I think it is...?"

The shame I felt. I could have let 'it' all out in a final answer to her question, but the last remnants of my dignity commended me to whisper "yes"; and, careful not to let any more shit drop out of my tired ass, I tippy-toed to the washroom to evacuate what was remaining of my now public and disgraceful turds.

Timing is everything.

27 Comments on "Timing Is Everything"

Eoz2's picture

What the heck is wrong with you?
You can't hold it in for more than a few minutes?
You crap on the floor because someone else was using the washroom?
You strain so hard your rip your anus?
Your ass leaks before you can poop, and you let his happen in your underpants?

See a couple doctors; one for your ass and one for your head.

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points

Time for a litter box...
_______
Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Tower of Shit........I find it something of a dichotomy that you normally strain until you asshole bleeds but when at your girl's house the turds fall out so easily you can't control them.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Eoz2's picture

Er, that would be "underpants".

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

ok.....you strain 'till your ass bleeds and then fight to hold it in.. Are you naturally constipated and then eat something that didn't agree with you? Were naked in the living room cuz you just has sex(you just moved in I would assume ya'll were doin it like rabbits) and all that jostling got your bowels moving? You revel with pleasure when you hold back? Do you do that intentionally? That's not healthy dude. Your bloody ass should be evidence enough. I know I asked if you were naturally constipated, but....I'm intrigued and repelled at the same time.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Please delete this retarded rambling of a deranged idiot scat freak.

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points


WTF was that about? I feel like I need to hit myself with the penance rope a few times just after reading.. For fuck's sake!

-Pill Pooper

-Pill Pooper

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

It is amazing what a few anti depressants will do to organization of thoughts.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

TOS, you're not a dog are you? If you are, you might be the first one to post a story here.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Crunk pooperotica. I think I hear 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' in the background and psychodelic strobe lights flashing in the foreground. Wow man, like, heavy!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I know why he poops easily at his girlfriend's house. Because he doesn't have to clean her toilet. Damn you men all to Hell!

I need icing.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points

What does crapping on the living room floor have to do with cleaning toilets? This dude has bigger issues starting with a bloody, sweaty, shitty mess. He needs a BISSELL!


_______
Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I don't know what you feel when you feel "shame," but I assure you it is nothing like what I call shame. Because I can anticipate shame, and control to a great extent my public actions accordingly. Learning to control where and when I shit was among the first such things I learned to control and link with shame.

So where were you between the ages of 1 and 3 — being raised by bovine? This, I guess, would also explain your preference for shitting out "cow patties." But where ever you were, it's time to learn human ways.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I get so turned on when LJ talks like that...


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

DUDE! Learn the fine art of the covert crap...She had to have had at least two trash cans in the house somewhere or a plastic bag you could have squat over...hell next time take off your shirt and shit in it if you have to, just throw it away but for Pete's sake don't shit in the floor no matter how funny I'm finding it...which, I am.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

The living room rug? I'm still not sure about you Tower. Did you sniff the floor first and walk around in a circle three times?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bilge, glad you recognized that for what it was -- a love letter.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Nobody does it like you, baby.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Gat a room.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Tower was marking out his territory to warn any other prospective studs to keep away from his mate.

The voice of sanity

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

This was derfinantly different, but I would have dumped in a trash can before I go on a girlfriends carpet, im sure there was one within 20 feet of you.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I keep several galvanized steel garbage cans in my living room. They don't look real pretty, but they've saved my carpet on numerous occasions.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Please tell me you didn't drag your ass all around the floor when you were done or lick yourself clean...I'm not sure which is worse.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

fibertiger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Did you leave a cowpie on the carpet? My cat left a cowpie on the carpet and cleaning that mess was not cool. Negative points for cowpie on the girlfriend's carpet.

Tower Of Shit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

To those of you who suggested going for the trash can: The urge to shit came on so quickly that I only had a few seconds to move until all my will power had to be used to keep it in. Had I walked more that a few steps, the shifting motion of my ass would have made me shit all over the living room.

poopadopalus's picture

wow that was funny. u couldnt of atleast kicked it under the sofa. well ur lucky u didnt have the hershey squirts.

davidren1968's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I hope you had already had sex with your gf by that point, because if I were her, I surely wouldn't have gone anywhere near your nasty crotch after you started dropping poop uncontrollably. Also, I don't know what your deal is with the butt juice, but I don't think that's normal, dude. As much as I usually enjoy poo humor, your story makes me glad I don't have to know what goes on behind closed doors (or in living rooms) everywhere in the world.

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