The Lav Of My Life: The Public Toilet That Was There For Me

m 1+ points - Newb

Back in the early 1980's, I was a young high school dropout with a baby and a very angry wife. So I decided to go to a trade school and learn welding. I lived out in Beaumont, California; the trade school I decided on was in Los Angeles, about ninety minutes away. Of course, I could barely afford the fees for my career aspirations, much less fuel to get there and food to eat. Since I had a pick-up truck with a camper shell, I decided I would sleep in the back after classes and just go home on Fridays.

After a couple days, I chanced on an odd bit of no-man's land lodged between some residential houses and a freeway off-ramp that was magically free from police harassment and suspicious homeowners. And -- joy of all joys! -- there was a park nearby that had an honest-to-God working toilet that was open at all times. Imagine that!

I felt truly blessed. For the first night, I felt safe and relaxed. And for the first time, I slept like a baby, unworried and peacefully content in my new campground.

But early the next morning, just as I was getting ready for another day of excitement learning my chosen trade, I began to feel that familiar sensation of really needing to take a serious dump. In a few seconds the urge had increased to a painful level that was not so familiar. Panic set in as I began to fear some kind of fecal catastrophe in my pickup.

As quickly as I could, I got my truck going and took off without even lacing up my boots. I swear, while on the way to the park's toilet, I thought I would EXPLODE in my pants. It was a war between me and my bowels, with my bowels threatening to drop the mother of all brown bombs in my tightie-whities.

Fortunately, *I* control the anus. But just barely. I have no control over what's above the anus, though, and this fact became painfully obvious to me as the seconds went by -- seconds that, at the time, seemed like excruciating minutes as wave after wave of fecal birth pains surged through my colon. I broke into a cold sweat, desperately trying to outrace my bursting bowels to get to the toilet.

At last I came to a screeching halt at the parking lot of the small community park. As I rushed to the door of the toilet, I felt a wave of immense gratitude that it was indeed unlocked. In the back recesses of my mind had been the sneaking fear that perhaps the iron doors to the park privy would for some reason, in my moment of dire need, be shut and locked. My fear was thankfully completely unfounded and -- Yes! I was going to make it.

The iron doors to Browner Heaven were wide open. Oh, yes!!! I rushed in and positioned by myself over the throne of mercy, getting my pants down with my undies in one swift swipe. Another miracle. Then the release! A huge rush of a splashing fecal flood exploded under me; and with that initial burst came a gasp and a groan of relief, like a drowning man who at long last gets that coveted breath of life-giving air. Only I had been drowning in my own feces.

As I sat there in utter relief and gratitude to the city founders for installing a public toilet and forgetting to lock the door, I suddenly heard a snoring sigh. Someone breathing. Dang! Someone else was also taking a crap?

I looked around the wall of the stall. It was a homeless drunk guy, sleeping it off. My explosive fecal decompression had failed to rouse him.

I used that park toilet many mornings after that, but never so urgently; and never again did I see the sleeping drunk guy. I went on to finish my welding course and establish myself as a first-class welder; and I'm a welder to this day, more than twenty-five years later. I often wonder how things would of turned out if not for that free public toilet.

I submit this story in praise of ALL public toilets, in whatever condition.

Oh, and one more thing: I read that the homeless drunk man died one cold night in a public toilet. RIP, Homeless Drunk Guy. May the next world have cleaner, warmer public toilets.

16 Comments on "The Lav Of My Life: The Public Toilet That Was There For Me"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

"Fortunately, I control the anus. But just barely. I have no control over what's above the anus, though."

This phrase is a masterpiece. In other words, don't get cocky about the things you have no control over.

If people could just comprehend this, 90% of the "I barely made it" and "I shit myself" stories that appear on this fine forum would never need to be written.

Well done and congrats on your welding career. I can't weld worth a crap.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Good story - I never realised how important public toilets could be in realising the dream of a good higher education.

Do you ever go back to visit it. Maybe if you`ve made a good living from your career you could donate some money to the upkeep of strategically placed public toilets near the welding school. Have a fund set up in your name - have the toilet renamed "The JohnKnoefler Welders Facility".

The voice of sanity

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I agree that decent public toilets in strategic locations are most desirable. Along highways more are needed, especially along state and US roads (the Interstates have some, at least). In cities it is well to know where such facilities are; better signs would help.

Anonymous Coward's picture

This is great. Haha wasn't as funny as the other stories but gave me a smile while taking a shit....
I always read this site when I'm in the bathroom, dropping some loads on my phone funny and keeps me entertained.

P Hole's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I love public toilets. I am an Anthropologist and there is a lot to be learned from our culture that can be found in Public restrooms. i.e. sleeping drunk bums.

P Hole

P Hole

Coach Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I feel your pain.The Old Coach is thankful for the portable shitters and restrooms near all the ballfields and basketball courts I coached on.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Haha I was imagining you driving a rusty old truck through the peaceful park through picnics and children running away screaming while your screaming "out of my way I gotta take a shit!" Good funny story it gave a good sense of urgency.

Theblankshit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

yaa, i have to agree with manxx on that visual image. i bet if that door was locked you would of had enough adrenaline going to ass-blast the door down.

Coach Crap's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

If he couldn't make it he could have converted his vehicle into a dump truck.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

Warmer toilets in LA? You really don't think this guy froze to death do you?

Theblankshit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

lol, a dump truck

Gaseous Glay's picture
l 100+ points

Well said, sir. I'm recalling the public toilets that have saved me over the years and the attendants who clean them with a tear of gratitude in my eye. Without them, who knows what course my life would have taken instead? As President Elect Obama ponders what public works to invest in to put America back to work, let us all hope for a massive wave of new toilet construction that will bring shitters to those in need everywhere across this great country of ours!

tommysail's picture

Tissue Spritz offers more thorough cleansing in the bathroom.

Adults, simply spritz onto standard toilet tissue for an effective and natural moist cleansing option in the bathroom or whenever/wherever you want to freshen up.

And, we've created a formula for baby's tender, new skin. Perfect for the diaper bag. Overall...a more natural and eco-friendly
alternative to the chemically dubious, 'disposable', pre-moistened wet wipes.

Check us out:

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Just be ready for a thorough review when it comes.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points

You know what? I might check it out too. Make a real contribution to PR.

I've slept in my truck a few times, and not just down at the mud bog. I don't mind it so much :)

bint alshamsa's picture

Man, if anyone ever wanted to ruin my day, all they'd have to do is close down the network of public toilets around my city that I've grown used to alleviate emergency episodes over the past few years of dealing with my disabilities.

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