Dear Daphne
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Shit In The Pants, Or An Existentialist
Submitted by Professor Schitz
February 5, 2015, 10 Comments

“Shit in the Pants,” from “Fantasies and Nightmares,” by Archibald E. Sauer. Right up there with the FEARS of (1) speaking in public and (2) death is the fear of (3) losing control of your bowels in public. A friend once told me, “When I get to the time of my life when I can't get to the bathroom...

Dear Daphne: My Boyfriend Thinks I Have
Submitted by daphne
September 1, 2011, 6 Comments

Jessica asks: "I was recently having sex when my partner notices a cum-like substance coming from my butt. He immediately thought that it was from my having sex with someone else. I've never had anal sex in my life. To make a long story short I tried to explain that I think I'm just sick from...

Dear Daphne: Toilet Paper Divorce?
Submitted by daphne
July 9, 2010, 34 Comments

Alan asks: My wife and I have been married for eleven years, both of us for the second time. We argue over four or five issues on a regular basis, one of the issues being which direction the toilet paper should face on the roll. I prefer it to come over the top of the roll because it's easier to...

Dear Daphne: Mustard-Colored Lazy Strea
Submitted by daphne
May 19, 2010, 26 Comments

cottonmom asks: We have a five-month old baby, and we use cloth diapers. I clean ALL his poopy diapers. I use the sink in my husband's bathroom because it's closer to the changing table in the bedroom. Hubby is complaining about gross baby poop smudges left in the sink after I rinse out the...

Dear Daphne: He's A Fart Nazi!
Submitted by daphne
April 21, 2010, 23 Comments

Disgusted Big Sister asks: My little sister's boyfriend refuses to acknowledge that women fart, a common affliction among the tragically ignorant. This in itself is disturbing, but what elevates the situation to being insane is the fact that he actually shouts at her if she accidentally rips one...

Dear Daphne: He Filled The Wrong Moat
Submitted by daphne
March 19, 2010, 23 Comments

baron von crapalot asks: Long has it been an early morning jape of mine to let forth with a trouser cough before leaving bed, and quickly pulling the covers up over her Ladyship’s head, thus allowing her the privilege of tasting the fragrance of my daily firstborn. This ne’er really goes down too...

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