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CONTEST #14: A Toilet's First Time
Submitted by Dave
January 16, 2004, 37 Comments

**FIRST PRIZE**The best entry will win a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway. In a recent story, Doniker discussed taking a toilet on its maiden voyage. What he didn't do, however, is come up with a canonical phrase to describe such an event. That is your task....

CONTEST #13: Countdown To Solidity
Submitted by Dave
November 12, 2003, 36 Comments

THE CULPRIT Spanish food, Saturday night. Our table shared seafood paella, meatballs, potatoes in a salsa-esque sauce, a quiche-like substance, prawns, cheese, veggies, and more... one of those contained evil bacteria. THE PROOF Not only did I get sick, so did at least two other members of my...

CONTEST #12: Kids' Poop Entertainm
Submitted by Dave
June 18, 2003, 17 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** For the winner: a copy of The Journal of Ass Production! Millions of youngsters all over the world have fallen in love with Super Diaper Baby and his epic battle against Deputy Doo Doo. But last week, one crotchety old grandmother raised an...

CONTEST #12: Kids' Poop Entertainm
Submitted by Dave
June 18, 2003, 8 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** For the winner: a copy of The Journal of Ass Production! Click here to see all 197 original entries. The_Brown_Word Declares Victory My original motivation for entering this contest was to get a free Journal of Ass Production. Even though I am...

CONTEST #12: Kids' Poop Entertainm
Submitted by Dave
June 18, 2003, 36 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** For the winner: a copy of The Journal of Ass Production! Millions of youngsters all over the world have fallen in love with Super Diaper Baby and his epic battle against Deputy Doo Doo. But last week, one crotchety old grandmother raised an...

Contest #11: Name That Pooper -- Final
Submitted by Dave
February 26, 2003, 30 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** The funniest entry won a bottle of Sphincterine -- the breath-mint for your ass! We stopped the war, right? I mean, now that we're united by poop -- one world, under log -- there's no reason for war or terrorism or anything, right? I mean, we're all...

CONTEST #11: Name That Pooper
Submitted by Dave
February 11, 2003, 44 Comments

At a moment when humanity's religious and cultural conflicts push us towards the brink, the time has come for this organization to stand up and remind us that our divisions are arbitrary. We are all one, because we all answer to a higher power -- poop. ** GRAND PRIZE ** The...

CONTEST #14: A Toilet's First Time
Submitted by Dave
February 4, 2003, 12 Comments

**FIRST PRIZE**The best entry won a copy of The Journal. Everyone else should buy one anyway. In a recent story, Doniker discussed taking a toilet on its maiden voyage. What he didn't do, however, is come up with a canonical phrase to describe such an event. However, that...

CONTEST #10: Poop Book Titles -- The Wi
Submitted by Dave
September 22, 2002, 17 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** A Queen Shit (or King) statuette goes to the winner of this contest! Thanks, Turd Shack! The closing of this contest marks the end of a hard-fought battle between two equally-worthy entries -- a battle brutally interrupted by the horrific week-long...

CONTEST #10: Poop Book Titles -- Vote N
Submitted by Dave
September 16, 2002, 0 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** A Queen Shit (or King) statuette goes to the winner of this contest! Thanks, Turd Shack! Almost a year ago, we ran a contest to find movies that can be changed into funny poop movie titles. You know, like "Lady and the Cramp," or "Assablanca." It was...

CONTEST #10: Poop Book Titles
Submitted by Dave
August 15, 2002, 21 Comments

** GRAND PRIZE ** A Queen Shit (or King) statuette goes to the winner of this contest! Thanks, Turd Shack! Almost a year ago, we ran a contest to find movies that can be changed into funny poop movie titles. You know, like "Lady and the Cramp," or "Assablanca." It was...

CONTEST #9: Roses Are Brown: Poetic Poo
Submitted by Dave
July 8, 2002, 18 Comments

**FIRST PRIZE**The winner of this contest will receive their very own roll of ShitBeGone!. Our love and our hatred of poop moved us to write poems. 148 entries, seven days of voting, one winner. I'm proud to bequeath upon Master Che Guanovara the title of PoopReport Poet Laureate...

CONTEST #9: Roses Are Brown: Poetic Poo
Submitted by Dave
June 24, 2002, 16 Comments

**FIRST PRIZE**The winner of this contest will receive their very own roll of ShitBeGone!. In honor of that which is so loved and so popular, the challenge of this contest has been to write an ode to poop, in the "Roses Are Red" style. And after 148 entries, we've narrowed it...

CONTEST #9: Roses Are Brown: Poetic Poo
Submitted by Dave
June 5, 2002, 66 Comments

It's been a while since there's been a contest. The reason: exploding popularity. Everyone loves poop, and everyone is sending me poop stories, and I haven't had time to put together a new contest until now. **FIRST PRIZE**The winner of this contest will receive their very own roll of...

CONTEST #8: The Ideal Celebrity Poop Sp
Submitted by Dave
April 17, 2002, 14 Comments

Editor's note: This letter was sent to Tom Green this morning. Dear Mr. Green, I realize that a proclamation like this is usually accompanied by a dump truck full of money. Sorry about that. But nevertheless, I am proud to announce that you are now PoopReport.com's Official Celebrity...

CONTEST #8: The Ideal Celebrity Poop Sp
Submitted by Dave
April 15, 2002, 10 Comments

Alan Greenspan and George W. Bush would have us believe that the marketplace is the most powerful and most efficient force at work in America today. If so, one day Microsoft will provide the operating system for your toothbrush... and Tom Green will shill for PoopReport. **FIRST PRIZE**...

CONTEST #8: The Ideal Celebrity Poop Sp
Submitted by Dave
April 3, 2002, 0 Comments

PoopReport is looking for a celebrity spokesperson. Someone whose very presense says, "I represent poop and it's my mission to spread the gospel of poop across the land! **FIRST PRIZE**The winner of this contest will receive their very own Turd Twister! We've arrived at these six...

CONTEST #8: The Ideal Celebrity Poop Sp
Submitted by Dave
April 3, 2002, 16 Comments

PoopReport is looking for a celebrity spokesperson. Someone whose very presense says, "I represent poop and it's my mission to spread the gospel of poop across the land!" **FIRST PRIZE**The winner of this contest will receive their very own Turd Twister! We've arrived at these six...

CONTEST #8: The Ideal Celebrity Poop Sp
Submitted by Dave
February 25, 2002, 36 Comments

The next step in PoopReport's growth and popularity is, of course, a multi-million dollar global branding campaign. I'm sure I'll hear back from the investors any day now. **FIRST PRIZE**The winner of this contest will receive their very own Turd Twister! In the meantime, I'm going...

CONTEST #7: Unintentional Poop Lyrics -
Submitted by Dave
February 8, 2002, 52 Comments

This was a good contest. I was worried that it might not take off, but I was wrong. Before I reveal the winner, I think it's important to share what the some of judges said about this contest. ** FIRST PRIZE ** The winner received an Official PoopReport Fake Poop, courtesy of our friends...

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