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Contest #23: Predict The Ironic Death Of
Submitted by Dave
September 6, 2006, 54 Comments

The recent passing of The Crocodile Hunter disturbs me. Not just because I now have to worry about stingray barbs next time I go snorkeling, but because of the poetic nature of his demise. His career was dedicated to teaching that animals are safe if you respect them; his death, as the media has...

Contest #22: Match Pooper to Crapper
Submitted by Dave
July 24, 2006, 75 Comments

There's perhaps no greater example of a person matching their bathroom to their personality than The Big Wiper. Over the years, we've gotten a very clear idea of his attitudes towards his daily constitutional—and now that he's had designed his dream house, he's put his money where his butt is. As...

Contest #21 1/2: Limericks Revisited
Submitted by Dave
June 13, 2006, 29 Comments

Congratulations to Pipe Nightmare, the winner -- by a wrinkled nose -- of the PoopReport limericks contest. His entry: Martin Luther had "95 Theses," And Darwin, his "Origin of Species," But all that I've got Is contained in the pot As butt nuggets, dirt snakes and feces. The challenge was to...

Contest #21: Poop Limericks | Vote now!
Submitted by Dave
June 4, 2006, 42 Comments

The challenge: to encapsulate some aspect of the universal essence of pooping into the venerable poetic form that is the limerick. Over two hundred entries were submitted; from those, a group of judges embarked upon the Herculean task of narrowing them down to five finalists. These judges, alas,...

Contest #21: Poop Limericks
Submitted by The Dumpster
May 23, 2006, 247 Comments

(Editor's note: though The Dumpster wrote the following introduction, he is going to be a contestant. Don't worry -- he won't be involved in the judging.) Writing poetry about poop is something like the act itself: there are those who produce masterpieces, and there are others who just sit and...

Contest #20: Name Our Podcast | Results!
Submitted by Dave
April 27, 2006, 36 Comments

Contest Results. There's a lot riding on a name. The very name of this site, for example, was the result of a deliberate thought process; some venerated scholars believe the name makes all the difference in the simultaneously intellectual and ribald appeal of the site. So when choosing a name for...

Contest #20: Name Our Podcast
Submitted by Dave
April 19, 2006, 44 Comments

PoopReport is starting a podcast. In it, the host will read stories from the PoopReport archives, read reader email, run contests, talk about the poop news of the day, feature questions asked to Dear Annus, and so much more. As we've been preparing for launch in a couple of weeks, we've run into...

Contest #19: The First Poop
Submitted by Dave
March 17, 2006, 50 Comments

PoopReporters, I need your help. One of the chapters in my book talks all about the underlying causes of what we describe here as Shameful Shitting. I half-facetiously tie it in to the Fall of Man, suggesting that Adam and Eve didn't have stinky, disgusting, painful, shameful poops until after...

CONTEST #18: The "Turd Blossom
Submitted by Dave
August 12, 2005, 19 Comments

So President Bush's nickname for Karl Rove is "Turd Blossom". That raised the question: what exactly is a turd blossom? Seventeen PoopReporters submitted their (surprisingly apolitical!) understanding of what Bush is calling Rove. When the dust settled nearly three hundred votes later, a winner...

CONTEST #18: The "Turd Blossom
Submitted by Dave
August 4, 2005, 18 Comments

So President Bush's nickname for Karl Rove is "Turd Blossom". That raised the question: what exactly is a turd blossom? Seventeen PoopReporters submitted their (surprisingly apolitical!) understanding of what Bush is calling Rove. Vote for as many as you like. The one that gets the most votes...

CONTEST #18: The 'Turd Blossom
Submitted by Dave
July 27, 2005, 31 Comments

This contest is now closed. See the winner here! So the news broke yesterday that a dozen newspapers around the country are refusing to run two days worth of the cartoon Doonesbury because the strips refer to Karl Rove, President Bush's Chief of Staff, as "Turd Blossom." But even more incredible...

CONTEST #17: Bottom-Scraping Advertisin
Submitted by Dave
March 22, 2005, 4 Comments

Walking out of his Midtown office a few weeks ago, PoopReporter Harry Pooter was handed a roll of toilet paper printed with promotions for the WE Network's Oscar Night Bathroom Break Party. While he didn't watch the show (or use the paper), it got him thinking: what if other companies used toilet...

CONTEST #17: Bottom-Scraping Advertisin
Submitted by Dave
March 14, 2005, 15 Comments

Walking out of his Midtown office a few weeks ago, PoopReporter Harry Pooter was handed a roll of toilet paper printed with promotions for the WE Network's Oscar Night Bathroom Break Party. While he didn't watch the show (or use the paper), it got him thinking: what if other...

CONTEST #17: Bottom-Scraping Advertisin
Submitted by Dave
February 25, 2005, 48 Comments

Harry Pooter writes: Walking out of my Midtown Manhattan office building at lunch, I was greeted by a shy woman handing out toilet paper rolls from a tote bag. She was having trouble stopping people, and was obviously not as skilled a guerrilla marketer as the giant hotdog that was wandering...

CONTEST #16: The Sound Of The Fury: The
Submitted by Dave
December 14, 2004, 3 Comments

**FIRST PRIZE**The best entry won a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway. Editing a recent story by Obi-Dung Kenobi, I came across the phrase "uuh-uhhh-uuuuunnnnnhhh" as a written depiction of the sounds one makes when 'straining to bust a fart six inches from a...

CONTEST #16: The Sound Of The Fury: The
Submitted by Dave
December 3, 2004, 8 Comments

**FIRST PRIZE**The best entry will win a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway. Editing a recent story by Obi-Dung Kenobi, I came across the phrase "uuh-uhhh-uuuuunnnnnhhh" as a written depiction of the sounds one makes when 'straining to bust a fart six inches from a...

CONTEST #16: The Sound Of The Fury
Submitted by Dave
November 19, 2004, 15 Comments

Editing today's story by Obi-Dung Kenobi, I came across the phrase "uuh-uhhh-uuuuunnnnnhhh" as a written **FIRST PRIZE**The best entry will win a copy of The Journal. But you should buy one anyway. depiction of the sounds one makes when 'straining to bust a fart six inches from a...

CONTEST #15: If PoopReport Sold Out --
Submitted by Dave
May 11, 2004, 4 Comments

Just in case there is any confusion: PoopReport didn't REALLY sell out. That's good news, because it means you won't find blatant product plugs slipped into the middle of poop stories. Well, at least, except for the products we already blatantly plug (buy the Journal!). But if we have to sell...

CONTEST #15: If PoopReport Sold Out --
Submitted by Dave
April 21, 2004, 15 Comments

What if Nike came along and said, "Dave, we'd like to buy PoopReport." What would happen? That's the theme of this contest: come up with the new slogans of whatever corporation to which I might sell out. In the Nike example, for instance, it would obviously be "Just Doo It." The new movie Envy,...

CONTEST #15: If PoopReport Sold Out
Submitted by Dave
April 21, 2004, 28 Comments

The people promoting the movie Envy (starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black, coming April 30 to a theater near you!) have offered to sponsor one of our contests. Don't accuse me of selling out -- aside from a few free cans of Vapoorizer, I'm not getting paid. What's happening instead is that FIVE...

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