The Executive Decision

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m 1+ points - Newb
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It was a typical Tuesday morning at work. Shortly after ten AM, the second cup of coffee had begun to pry at my lower intestinal tract; hence, it was time to grab some reading material and venture to my second office. The restrooms on my floor are somewhat unsanitary, so when Mother Nature calls, I typically venture down to the thirteenth floor.

Ahh, the glorious thirteenth floor, where the urinal cakes smell like potpourri and the toilet seats are short-n-curly free. To my amazement, the entire restroom was completely empty. This is a very rare occurrence when one considers that there is only this single restroom on this male-dominated floor, and I certainly wasn't the only guy to have enjoyed multiple cups of bowel-loosening java this morning.

"Perfect," I thought to myself. "For this mornings session I shall choose The Executive."

The Executive, of course, is the oversized handi-capable stall. The Executive always provides sufficient bowl roll, grab rails, copious legroom, and is situated at the end of the row. This advantageous stall location eliminates one half of the adjacent patrons and provides optimal mirror angle so that hand-washers can't identify the occupant through the door cracks (unless they've memorized your footwear!).

So I assumed the position and happily proceeded to evacuate. Generally, I'm a courteous customer, and I try to remain mindful of other guests, unlike many who violently vomit out of their arses and are apparently oblivious to others around them. But, as I had previously stated, I was the sole participant on this glorious morn, so I felt at ease with cutting loose a bit.

Now, I don't specifically recall what I had eaten the previous day, but it was certainly departing my body in a somewhat light, airy, and forceful manner. Much to my dismay, I was only able to muster a few solid pushes before the restroom door swung open and someone entered. Or did they? I heard no subsequent footsteps. Must have been a Houdini: that person who peeks in only to find that someone else is already utilizing the highly sought Executive, then vanishes only to return ten or fifteen minutes later.

Alone again, I began to seriously focus on the tasks at hand: grunting, no courtesy flushes, no vent control, every orifice involved and working at full capacity. I was destroying the porcelain. Including proper clean-up, the total session lasted about ten minutes.

Like a murderer trying to wipe away incriminating fingerprints, I tried flushing several times in an effort to erase my damage, but to no avail. It looked as if a cannon loaded with fifty melted Snickers bars had been fired into the commode. This was no longer my problem: mission accomplished.

I pulled up the Dockers, fastened the belt, gave a few quick tugs to straighten the shirt, and opened The Executive door primed to take on the rest of the day. What I saw next shall forever scar my soul: there, to my sheer horror, sat a man in a wheelchair, peering at me with a look of hatred and disgust almost as if I had killed his first-born child.

I nearly fainted. Not only was he in there hearing and smelling my endeavors, but he now had no choice but to roll himself into the malodorous abyss and face the hideous carnage.

All I could manage was to get out an apologetic "Hey" and the accompanying head nod.

I raced to the sink, ran water over my hands, and promptly departed. As I exited, I quickly peered over my shoulder and saw the last turn of the wheels and the stall door shut as this poor handicapped man entered my apocalyptic death chamber.

25 Comments on "The Executive Decision"

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

Oh SNAP! I had that happen to me once a few years ago. I was temporarily disabled though so it should have been acceptable that I was using that stall. However, it didn't make me feel any better. I feel for you Red Ryan.

BTW: what does "Red Ryan" stand for?

BTOW: I love the Houdini. Not only has that happened to me before, but I have also been a Houdini
On a few occasions. Primarily when I know that it is going to be an epic event.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Wow poor guy, just hope he dosent get revenge on you.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Screw him. I'm sure there was a handicrapper on every floor and wheelchairs fit in elevators just fine.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Good story, Red. You should have held your head high and said to that miserable fucker, "Good morning, my handicap today has been my ass, you`ll soon see what I mean. Enjoy your crap!"

The voice of sanity

Vincent's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

jajaja what a great story. Poor old guy

Vincent

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

On the New York City subways they have new signs saying that all disabilities are not always visible. So, there's your excuse. Good language in this story "short-and curly"! :)


_______
Piece Out!
Crapola

Piece Out!
Crapola

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Great story. I'm sure he just dropped his melted Baby Ruths on top of your Snickers and left. I used to use the handicrappers at night when I was the only person in the building. They have the necessary width when I need to stretch my arms out with clenched fists while trying to give birth to a brown brick.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

How timely. While this may have happened to you only once, RR, it happens to the handicapped far too often. I never really appreciated the handicrapper until I had a handicapped child and parent that truly require the extra space so that I can assist them. I'm just pulling a figure out of my ass, but about 5% of times, some lame ass is using the handicrapper instead of another available stall. Can you imagine if 1:20 times you have to take a shit but there's not suitable toilet available for you?

The last time this happened, probably 2-3 weeks ago, some chubby pre-teen had wandered into the crapper just seconds before I was able to get my mother into the restroom. Momma, of course, is elderly and moves quite slowly. The little bastard blew right past us as we were headed for the door. We entered the Men's restroom just a few seconds after him. I stuck my head in first to make sure that the coast was clearly, half expecting to find Junior at one of the urinals. No such luck was to be had that day, though. In those few seconds, he had walked past the two empty regular crappers and sat his fat ass down on the handicrapper.

(Note: I would have used the family restroom but this facility, like most, doesn't offer that alternative.)

On this day, I was in no mood to be trifled with. Junior was about to learn a lesson. I guided Momma into the crapper next to Junior's instead of the one next to the urinals. Of course, the stall was so small that I couldn't get in their with her and close the door. I then quite loudly stated "Okay, Momma, I know that we usually use the handicapped stall but it's already occupied. Do you want to pull your pants down or do you want me to help?". I carried on in that vain for a few more seconds until I had her seated and taking care of business.

After about a minute or so, I hear the tell-tale sounds of Junior pulling his pants up -- these were not TP noises, so I guess he didn't have to take a dump -- so I quickly said, "Okay, Momma, you just set here for a minute and let me know when you've finished." I then backpedaled to the counter with the sinks which are directly opposite the stalls, leaving the door open. I situated myself squarely between the two sinks so that Junior couldn't get at either without encountering me. I then leaned back against the counter where I had a great view of Junior as he exited his stall. At this point, Junior flushed and exited the stall, trying quite hard to avoid looking at me.

I really thought that Junior would just beat feet out of there, but either his Mother trained him well or he had pissed all over his hands because as he neared the sinks (maybe a couple of steps away), he looked at me and then at the sinks and then back at me. You could see it in his downcast eyes. He was begging me not to make him say it. I wasn't going to have any of it. If the little fuck wanted to wash his hands, he was going to have to say something. He obliged with a "Um, excuse me..."

So, I obliged him by sliding over to the sink directly in front of the handicrapper so that he had to use the sink directly across from my mother's open stall. Now, above the sink, there's a huge mirror that spans the width of the counter. Junior, at this point, was quite uncomfortable. That much was obvious. But he also was curious. I could see that by the way he was trying to nonchalantly wash his hands while self-conciously snatching glimpses in the mirror at my mother setting on the crapper.

With his hands washed, he moved over to the paper towel dispenser, dried his hands and vacated quickly with nary another look at me.

Quite frankly, I hope that the sight of a balding, pissed off, middle-aged man crapping his elderly, grey-haired mother scarred the little shit for life so the next time he'll pause before he takes the handicrapper.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Wow, Deja. I usually use the handicapper, although I am not handicapped, per se. I shall think about you, and your mother the next time I go into a public restroom.br>_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

SP, that sound kind of kinky....er...in your case, Super Freaky.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

OOOH, so kinky cuz I am a very kinky girl, a super freak. Did you have a happy birthday Bilge? What did you do for your birthday?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I hung from my new inversion table and grew two inches....uh...hmmm...that doesn't sound quite right....
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

(I think Bilge actually got some of those pills where the guy in the commercial is really smiling alot and there's whistling in the back ground and his wife looks really happy...)
_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

You know I always use the Cadillac of the poopin' stools, as Larry the Cable guy puts it. Always. Unless someone is all ready using it. I always figured that the handicapped want to be equals just like the regular-abled peeps, so it was no biggie. Red Ryan and Deja Poo have opened my eyes though. The handicapped don't have alot of stall choices. They only have the one choice and that's the one I'm in. Ok, honestly, I'm still gonna use the handicapped stalls, but I will definitely keep a better eye out for those who may need it more than I.

Yes, and let them have it first....sheesh. Whatd ya think?

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Honestly, Brannie, I figured you'd moon them, and flip them off as you closed the door on them.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

That is another way to go. Yes. I like your way better. Let's add a delicious fart go with it.
_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

And lob wet toilet paper balls over the door at them while they wait.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Man, what a sensitive topic. One of my closet friends is a quadriplegic, and he's about as cool as a person can be. He cannot stand certain disabled people, disabled like him, because of what he refers to as their shitty-assed attitudes. When he talks about it, I listen and try not to say a word. I mean, what can I say?

Well, I can say this... I have never apologized for using the handi-crapper because I've only ever used it when all the stalls are full and there is a line; and when there's a line, well, there's a line. I'm not apologizing for using the only free toilet when I have to pee.

Once at a Ryan's Steakhouse in Kentucky someone in a wheelchair started an argument in the lady's room because we were all in line, and the handicrapper was being used by everyone like the other toilets. I saw no problem with this because the handicrapper is made for those with disabilities, but it can be used by anyone.

On the other hand, once I asked someone in a chair if she wanted to jump ahead of me to use the handi-crapper, and she got mad and said she didn't need special preferences. Whaddya' gonna' do?

Sometimes it's a no-win situation. You treat a disabled person like everyone else and the person gets mad. You treat a disabled person partially, and the person gets mad.

For the future, leave the handi-crapper alone if you've got another choice. My worry would be that he told everyone what you did. No one wants to be known as the Handi-capable, Handi-crapper Nazi.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

My favorite is when you're dealing with a handicapped person who wants to be treated as an equal AND has a shitty attitude toward anyone who treats him as such. It's always a crap-shoot... but I, like Daphne, will only use the handicrapper when there's no other option--and of course provided there's no obviously handicapped ladies in line.
_______
Help for IBS

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

Deja Poo,
Didn't that whole ordeal embaras the hell out of your mother? I mean, if you were going to make a scene of her shitting why even check to see if the bathroom was empty. I feel sorry for her, not because of her disability, but because you humiliated her for some sadistic pleasure.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

If an handicrapped person would be heading for the designated seat then I would use a cramped regular stall. But if its open and no handicrappers are around then I intend to continue to use the spacious handicrapper. As it still goes, first come first served. I'm not depriving myself of the spaciopus comfort of the handicapper if noone is around. I'm just being honest.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

A. Good story.

B. Deja Poo, get over it. Your bitchy righteousness was so important to you that you would rather make your momma take a humiliating and uncomfortable shit than wait two minutes? Or at least go knock on the door and tell the kid to get the hell out, you got a handicapped person who needs the facility.

That's just sick. And then you bragged about it on Poopreport. Frankly, the sight of a balding middle aged man crapping his invalid mother in an open stall - glaring over his folded arms at victim number two - has scarred me for life.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Perhaps a courtesy cough or two would have helped you understand the ongoing situation.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Ok so if no one is in there it's not like you grabbed the wheel chair and shoved them down the stairs laughing maniacally. You just felt you needed the extra room to wrastle that bad boy out. If the handicapped stalls were meant only for handicapped people then there'd be a guard or some shit. I consider the shits to be disability albeit a temporary one. You felt bad now get over it. Maybe karma will have you break your leg and you'll shit yourself because some bastard took the Executive. ahahah

Why didn't Deja take her in the womens restroom instead? I guess things could get a little hairy there, what with a 40 year old balding man in the womens restroom I might go for my pepper spray, but I mean was his mom on the verge of a shitsplosion or some junk? I don't get it.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

U-NO-POO's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

How could you do something like that to your mother? I do not even do that to my handicapped son. Geesh!