Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production Caption Contest: Vote Now!

// // 21 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The challenge:
Prove that the literatti who do cartoon caption contests in The New Yorker have nothing on the shiteratti who frequent this site.

The cartoon:

Art by Dan Meth.

The finalists:

"Astrid, how could you possibly need to use the bathroom?"
-- SmudgePot


"Why didn't you go before we lef-- OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!"
-- Bilgepump


"So THAT's why you never wanted to stay out after midnight."
-- cornleg


"Normally I'd ask you to wear your seatbelt, but that may be a problem if I have to stop suddenly."
-- SmudgePot


"What did you expect, dialing a number found in a washroom?"
-- 50 Scent


"So I said: 'pillar of salt'? Can't you think of something a little more 2009?"
-- Maximus Poopius


"Darling, you look a little flushed..."
-- Bilgepump


Vote now!

/** * the following displays the most recent poll * and assumes you have the poll.module enabled * * Works with Drupal 4.6 * Does not work with Drupal 4.5.x * */ // Set the nid for the poll you want to display $nid = 5660; $poll = node_load(array('nid' => $nid, 'type' => 'poll', 'moderate' => 0, 'status' => 1)); if ($poll->nid) { // poll_view() dumps the output into $poll->body. poll_view($poll, 1, 0, 1); } print $poll->body;


Congratulations to the finalists! Read all the entries here.

21 Comments on "Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production Caption Contest: Vote Now!"

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
This contest got me thinking about the Journal of Ass Production. Volume I was printed in 2003; Volume II was printed in 2006. Doing the math, I realized it's time for a Volume III.

So there will be a Volume III sometime this year. But many of you never got to experience the first two volumes -- especially Volume 1, which featured the greatest essay ever written by the greatest PoopReporter ever. (I'm talking, of course, about The Mastercrapper.)

So I've decided to republish both volumes in a single book. Within the next few weeks, you'll be able to hold a piece of PoopReport history! It will be around 100 pages and will sell for just $9.99. Featuring all the heavy hitters of PoopReport -- me, Daphne, G Ras, Doniker, Ass Phlegm, Pill Pooper, Motherload, The Big Wiper, and more -- this will be the second-greatest poop book ever published.

Help me figure out how many I need to print by preordering your copy now. You can buy the Journal for a special pre-order rate: only $8.99! The preordering period has ended. You can order your copy today for just $9.99 plus $2 S&H! Place your order now!

And thanks!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Just so you know, I clicked twice on purpose. My parents will be getting one awesome stocking stuffer this year.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I wish I knew about this contest I would have entered a caption. :c Oh well Ill have to visit the forums more.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I can't wait to have this sitting in my bathroom for everyone to read. You know Daphne Mother's Day is coming up, you could give it to your mom then.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Uh oh....I'm tied with myself...hope I don't end up kicking my own ass!! Vote for somebody else!!!


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

That's how you sprained your ankle last year, wasn't it?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

That is such a gross cartoon. I love it. There's something endearing about the expression on the pile of shit's face too. It makes me wonder if she knows he's full of shit too.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I think it would only be funnier if she threw up on him.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I keep coming back here to check the voting, hoping for somebody else to make a huge come from behind rush...and forgetting to order the JOAP...that has been remedied, THANKS DAVE!!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Time's up! Congrats to Bilgepump! (How many times have I written that one before? That guy is like the Ken Jennings of PoopReport.)

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Hmmm...I don't recall ever winning anything, but I don't keep track, and I'm old...have my name sewn into my clothing in case I get lost...Anyway, thanks!


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

So, winning my heart meant nothing to you. Fuckhead.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Winning??? Christ, I fought long and hard for that damn thing, still suffer from delayed stress syndrome, battle fatigue, and the ungodly emotional scars. Win? NO, sir, I think "survive" is more like it. And what did I get for my superhuman efforts? A cold, shrivelled black lump of diamond hardness, sharp, cutting, and ugly to behold. Spoils of war, indeed.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

A New Yorker Reader/50 Scent/Eustace Tilley's picture

Congratulations to Bilgepump, I still think my best submissions were omitted from the final selection but all in all a very enjoyable contest.

To Logjam, management is always right, you're just jealous!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bunga! Where the fuck you been?

Logjam

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Plungers plunge deep in the toilets of all Poop Report readers. We congratulate you solidly Bilgepump! Too funny!

mofoingpeasosheetbastage...

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

Graet work Bilge!
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

HA HA...That is to say, GREAT work Bilge! Guess I partied a bit too hard for Moma's day....anyways It was a fun contest and I dig your line...enjoy the fruits my friend! That reminds me, I think we should include a can of corn in the next prize pack...just b'cuz.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I miss Bunga.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous's picture

Ugh, I say number two or make up some other word. True it is that kids are less likely to know what BM stands for, bowel movement, but it just grosses me out.

Of course this is coming from a person who actually heard herself say to her husband (at Borders) the other day, "wait a minute, I have to go tinky," And I am like, what the heck did I just say? And why, why did I say it? Knowing me, he knew I meant I had to pee.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Anonymous, If you had been eating asparagus I bet that your "tinky" was still stinky. When you make up a name for your poo does it smell better? Remember what the Bard of Avon said;

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

I am no bard, although I did win a limerick contest once, and I live in Tennessee rather than on the River Avon. Still I am competent at judging the stench of a pile of poop and can't be thrown off by the simple tactic of changing its name.

"A turd by any other name would reek the same"

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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