Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production Caption Contest

// // 158 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Those of you lucky enough to own Volume II of the Journal of Ass Production might remember the cartoon caption contest on the back page That contest was never properly resolved. Let's revisit it now!


Art by Dan Meth.

CONTEST INTRO (as written in 2006):

If you're a hoity-toity New York intellectual like me, then you pick up The
New Yorker
every week for its perceptive writing, its wry humor, and for the way it makes you look when other people see you reading it. In 2005, the eighty-one-year-old magazine introduced a cartoon caption contest on its back page—a chance for budding Thurbers to earn bragging rights at their next Move-On.org meetup.

What’s good enough for that august publication is good enough for this
one! Submit your idea as to what the driver might be saying. We'll pick three captions, and the best one will receive a copy of my book (or something equally likely to make any reader of The New Yorker feel slightly ill)!

Submit your captions below!

158 Comments on "Revisiting the Journal of Ass Production Caption Contest"

Maximus Poopius's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The guys at "Poopreport" are never gonna believe this story.....


_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I like a bit of anal on the first date.

The voice of sanity

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

You need a stronger deodorant honey.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I"m not going to kiss you until you do something about that breath.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

So...have you had much success with this internet dating thing before?

The voice of sanity

Anonymous Cowherd's picture

I don't have a copy of the Journal of Ass Production. ! Will you be selling it again?

I'll Never Own Up To It's picture

Have I ever told you how much you feel like CEP but smell like Doniker?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Your bog or mine?

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I'll Never Own Up To It's picture

Is that cat fur? You've been seeing Bilgepump again, haven't you?

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

...there was this time that I was crapped out. I mean I was pooped!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Honey, you're the Shit!

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points

Honey, you are so corny.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Another Match.com success story.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Darling, you look a little flushed...


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I love you poopsy.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

A Roll of paper underneath the Bough,
A Jug of Wine, a Loaf of Bread-and Thou
Beside me stinking in the Wilderness-
O, Wilderness were Paradise enow!

With sincere apologies to Omar Khayyam.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

DR T's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Honey, your the BEST poop I've had!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Here, take this box of tic tacs!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Just-in's picture

I love a big shit.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

You are not thinking of dumping me. Are you ?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

"It was at this point that Stephen realized his mistake in answering Stella's personal ad. When she described herself as 'hot shit' she was serious."


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Chief--

Third line--

"And thou beside me stinking in the wilderness"

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

I was thinking along the same lines as daphne. I think the guy behind the wheel is saying "When my buddies said they'd line me up with a shit-hot date, I thought..."
_______
The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Normally I'd ask you to wear your seatbelt, but that may be a problem if I have to stop suddenly.

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh man.. I thought it said "Car Poo Lane"!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Check your shoes, i think one of us stepped in shit.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

MSG said on 4.22.09

"Chief--

Third line--

"And thou beside me stinking in the wilderness"

Thanks MSG, I have edited your word into the comment, it sounds much better that way, I feel sure that Omar would approve.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Poopsy McGee's picture
l 100+ points

"I hope you remembered the wet wipes for the aftermath."

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

"OK, but no tongue, right?"

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Oooh! Did someone leave a dirty diaper in the backseat?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Wow! You look like shit! I-- uh uh, I mean you look great. Is that new perfume you're wearing? It smells like an outhouse.Oh sorry, meant a new house.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

You feel hot, do you have fever?br>_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Now I understand why you don't have a nose.

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"McDonalds again?? Well, you know what they say.. you are what you eat."

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"Astrid, how could you possibly need to use the bathroom?"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Want to drive past the sewage plant and wave at your relatives?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Yes, I'm having my nose operation tomorrow, why do you ask?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

For some reason I want to go to that new German restaurant that features limberger cheese.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Curtiss E. Flush's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hope nobody already used this one:

And at that point he knew, this had to be the shittiest date ever!


_______
Hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

Hung like Einstein and smart as a horse.

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

I'm pregnant.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

is that corn or are you just happy to see me?
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Hey baby, how about some corn on the cob!!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

I don't care if its a boy or a girl just as long as is has my eyes and your corn
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

I vote for cornleg's "is that corn or are you just happy to see me?"
OMG

Breathe Bran Lover, Breathe! I'm verklempt. You all keep discussing....


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Maximus Poopius's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

And that's the last time I kiss a frog princess....

_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Oh, going down is my speciality.

Logjam

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"So tell me dear, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Poop?

A New Yorker Reader's picture

"Not only am I dirty in bed I talk real filth too".

50 scent's picture

"I love it up the ass"

50 Scent's picture

"Let's stop for a few drinks first, I'm dying for some mello yello"

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