Contest #30: Win A Breezyseat!

// // 63 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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This message appeared in my inbox yesterday:


Hello Dave,

My name is Kristine and I am with Toilet Treater, LLC. We manufacture and sell the Breezyseat. Breezyseat is an automatic
deodorizing toilet seat. I would like to offer a Breezyseat to one of your readers
to win on your site. You pick the winner and I will send it out to them. (For shipping purposes, to US residents only.)

Thanks!

-Kristine

According to their website, BreezySeat "makes the ordinary bathroom extraordinary." Which sounds great. Because if you're like me, your bathroom is ordinary, and I don't know about you but I'm sick and tired of pooping in a bathroom that doesn't have flashing lights or a disco ball or dancing girls or, at the very least, a deodorizing toilet seat.

So here's how we're going to do this: if you think YOU deserve this free Breezyseat (a $69.99 value!), you explain WHY. Explain in the comments how miserable it is to poop in your mundane ol' bathroom, how the unfiltered smell of your poop is destroying your marriage and killing your pets, and how much you and you alone are worthy of this free Breezyseat. I will evaluate the sad states of affairs I expect to see printed below and decide which one of you will have excitement and energy and a new reason to live delivered to your bathroom in the form of a deodorizing toilet seat. Get to it!

63 Comments on "Contest #30: Win A Breezyseat!"

CaCa Doodle Doo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Could something as wonderful as the Breezyseat actually work? If so, it could be life changing for our family. TRULY life changing!

You see, my dh's butt STINKS! We've been married since 1995 and here a few examples of his extreme ass:
1. He can defecate, and run the vent. At times, it can be left on for hours if we go to run errands, etc. When you open the door, it will still stink.

2. If he uses the downstairs bathroom, and the air conditioning happens to cycle, the fumes will be drawn into the vents and spread throughout the 2200 square foot, two story home. It is disgusting.

3. He's been known to pass gas in his truck during work (he does physical therapy home health) and have to roll down the windows to flush out the stench. Once he had to leave them open for 30 miles from one fart.

4. He can do the tiniest of "button farts" and the entire house will be filled with stench. I think one could cut it with a knife!

5. Traveling with his ass is the worst! Rarely do we have the opportunity to have separate bathrooms so we have to bring "PooPourri," candles, matches, etc as well as time his toilet time for when we're about to leave our hotel. He uses the toilet and we all run out the door, escaping certain death.

To have a seat that would reduce such annoying and dare I say "life altering" odors would truly be a godsend. I would be happy to give detailed reports on its effectiveness if chosen to receive the complementary seat!

Thank you for this opportunity to share my pain!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I don't deserve a "Breezyseat"...although my bathroom is as morbidly mundane as they come. My wiping cats, however, do deserve this accoutrement since they wait patiently, or not, for me to do my business and put them to work. The mirror tiles on my disco ball have long since fallen off, the strobe and black lights have burned out, and the poor things have nothing to amuse themselves with, unless I unwittingly leave my unit dangling in the wind, so to speak. All the magazines that were in the bathroom have reached their decomposition date, and have been reduced a damp pulp in the corner. Oh, and I stink pretty good too, when I get down to churning out a loaf, one more unpleasantry those poor creatures put up with.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Id might send it to my Dad, he can take some big nasty's and the smell will linger for hours. Im glad he always used the master bedroom bathroom and not the main one. The Gas-B-Gone spray never seemed to work with him either, you could still smell the shit over the apples and cinnamon

the pooping scholar's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Sometimes it smells so bad when I poop that I have to shut the door because I'm afraid the smell might kill the birds we have in the livingroom. I sweat a lot when I do my business as well. I enjoy shitting so much. It's like my yoga but lately...it's been different. I've not really had solid poop in over a year (seriously). I visit the bathroom frequently and I probably have some sort of syndrome. I don't know. I would just like to have something new to my pooping experience. I visit the bathroom so frequently, I don't want to smell like one. That's why I need the "breezy seat".

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I have no need for a device like this as my wife and I have separate bathrooms, however I do have one question. The infomercial says that sophistocated filters take out the smell. What happens to the guy that changes the filter? is he hit in the face with the stench of thousands of poops simultaneously??


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I have no need for this device because my shit smells like rose petals with a hint of lilac and rosemary.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

I deserve to win because my whole house stinks from the pets that my wife and child force me to live with so I should have one room (the bathroom) that smells good.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I have no need for this because if I had something pleasant in my bathroom I'd spend way more time in there and I'd never make it to work in the morning.

I think that's the longest sentence I've ever typed.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Chief, the guy who changes the filter gets a poop allergy and begins to fart and shart like one would sneeze and snot with a dust allergy. I could use one in the house. I wouldn't want to smell guest shit at my dining room table. Pump will you change my filter?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I would suggest, SP, that you contact the Institute and see if they aren't interested in studying these filters, along with skivvies...they may have free pick-up, delivery, and installation. My fees are rather exorbitant.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Doniker lives!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

sittingpretty.....The D/T Institute provides many poop related services, I will check with my associate, Professor Doggin, and see what kind of fee we would need for filter changing. This job would probably be best handled by out junior partner Postman.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Lumberjack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

my poor wife would love this thing. Our house is small (under 900.sf) , the poop closet lacks ventilation. And when one of us shits everyone knows it for the next hour or so. I am curious does this device make comfort noise too? That world be key, as every little nugget can be heard as it hits water from almost anywhere in the house

Feto D Walcott's picture

I would like to say I deserve this but in all honesty I don't because I really don't care how badly I smell or how badly my house reeks from my cigar smoke infused sewer pickles which I let ferment until my bloated hag witch of a wife forces me to flush them.

Management is always wrong, you're just jealous.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

No silly toilet seat is going to change my life. Now, if Kristine will put herself up as a prize, that could be life-changing.

Logjam

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

OK, Mr. Pump. I will contact the institute should I win the breezyseat.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

My reason for deserving the breezy seat?

As some of you may know, my fiancé and I are avid fitness buffs. We go to the gym 4-6 times per weak. The relevant factor here is our diet.
I consume over 200 grams of protein every day (at 175 lbs). My fiancé consumes about half that (at about 95 lbs). Some of this is through supplaments, but most of it is through meat. We also eat tons of fiber (veggies like broccoli, spinach, green beens, beans, etc). The end result is shit that smells like. . . Decaying animal carcas.

So far the problem is kept under controll as we are not yet married and still maintain the illusion that neither one really poops. We will often go for hours holding one in so the other doesn't have to be home when we poop. Once we get married (in just over a month) that illusion and comfort will come to an end.
We are moving to a 800 square foot, one bedroom apartment in the University district of Seattle (she will be getting her PhD there).
There we will be, two newlyweds in our cramped apartment together with foul smelling shits, forced to loose the illusion of purity so soon after marriage. Poop reporters, I beg you to give us the gift of innocense. We deserve the Breezyseat. I can not think of a more appropriate wedding present.

_______
Num ber One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

I have no sense of smell as many of you may all ready know, so I put in for the Breezy Seat on behalf of my family of four. My IBS, high protein diet and something that really did die in there all contribute to the brown noxious ozone layer of gas in our small apartment. The landlords have asked us about the dark cloud around our apartment on three separate occasions. I just keep telling them that I have noooo idea!!

With hubby's new job last year we considerably downsized our house. I don't have to tell you how much more expensive it is going to California from the midwest, do I? Subsequently, the economy lost hubby's job. We did sell the house but lost every penny of 20 years worth of equity. We moved back to the midwest (to be near family) and are in a little apartment and living on unemployment.

I used to be able to light my candles in the basement away from household traffic. It was the fourth bathroom of a big house. Now I can only turn on a measely small-motored fan of a small bathroom with no window that will in no way let even one poor nose hair grow back. I got some free matches from the bar down the street and I light those, but my candles are used up...

Lol. Ok, I do have candles, but they don't help a whole lot in the end. I just want the breeze to remind me of days at the beach - Point Dume in Malibu, California. I will close my eyes while I poop and imagine the dolphins that used to frollic in the ocean in front of me instead of the bowl beneath me.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

kentuckykin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I need the Breezyseat because I am the only female in a household of males, one 50 year old, one 15 year old and one 12 year old. And they all have to use MY bathroom, ignoring my begging and pleading to use their own. Not that my shit doesn't stink, but in all honesty I believe that it does not stink as much as the male version. And nothing is worse than thinking, "hey maybe I'll go tweeze my eyebrow tonight", and getting a faceful of eau de shit when opening the bathroom door. No wonder I sport a unibrow...

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

My cat thinks I should get the breezy seat as I can't get a charcoal filter big enough for my bathroom. My cat gags and vomits when I poop.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Nomad the Bathroom Cat's picture
Dear Dave,


As you can see from my picture, I'm a cat. The bathroom counter in question is that of daphne's guest bathroom. I always thought this was a rather fetching picture, shows off my good side. Don't you agree?

Anyhoo, I would like one of those Breezyseats. daphne's nice and all, but she eats too much goddamned salad. Having to hear her go to the bathroom is one thing, but having to smell it... well, let's just say 'at least she's got a pretty face..'

There have been many a day that I've been run out of my domain due to the fetid stench of wine and hummus shit. It's ridiculous, I tell you. I'm a respectable guy. This is supposed to be a respectable bathroom.

Were you to grace us with the Breezyseat in question, Badger (shown below) and myself would be eternally grateful.

Badger recoils in disgust when she realizes that Mr. daphne has a Sports Illustrated in his hands. It's going to be a long fifteen minutes for this unlucky feline.


Give a cat a break. Give two cats a break. It's either send the Breezyseat or condemn us to seek lodgings in the Bilgepump home; and you know what awaits us there.

Sincerely,

Nomad Shorts
Burmese Shorthair
Washington State, USA
Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Like Bran Lover, my wife has no sense of smell. Therefore when she wrecks the bathroom I have no way to retaliate. I think one of these just may level the playing field.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I have no ass. I was born with a cloaca. Shit, urine, and partially digested food falls out of me like a broken sewer pipe. While this seat may not help the stench, it will be a welcome addition to my extensive collection of used seats. Please consider my submission.

PD,
DTI University

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bathroom Nomad is really cute. But, he doesn't look like he is suffering. Prairie Dog you are just being so gross gross gross.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

If I get the breezyseat, I will keep the bathroom clean!!!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Twelve Inch Log's picture

Nine Inch Log.....I think I could persuade your girlfriend to reconsider her upcoming marriage.

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

Why the hell would I want to tone down the stink? Half the fun is in atching peiople's reaction to the discovery and how they deal with it....hey haveya got one that turns up the stink?....I'll take 2, thanks
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hot and humid air will turn up the stink. Turn on a hot shower, cornleg.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

If the stench factor is your main goal in the bathroom just pinch a loaf in the sink so none of the smell will be dampened by being under water. That will assure you of some kind of reaction from others.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Why bother with the sink. Just drop trou in front of those you want to stink out.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

This morning I woke up to the familar pain of a full bladder. Only, for me, it also could mean a full(ish) rectum. My American Coon mix, long haired, domestic bathroom cat, Thelma Louise(nickname Boola) was resting on her towels, situated on the floor, between the tub and the toilet. That is her place as she is within reach of the hand(getting her head petted), while I'm on the toilet. She sleeps there at night when she wants to get away from the a/c. Well...you would have thought I was princess Chief Thunderbutt, when I thought I was going just for a pee. In the middle of the hand(getting petted), Boola jumped up and walked BRISKLY out of the bathroom. (Her little rear end is so cute when she is running from poo thunder.) Then she suddenly stopped to groom the desecrated body parts as she gives me with those camel eyes. She fussed, complaining of the stinking smell clinging to her coat. I told her about the breezyseat. How it works, and all, and how I'm in a contest, and all. She says she has to have it! She says that she suffers from a broken heart when she can't be close to me when I'm blowing out litter box(poops). She says that she suffers from olefactory nerve pain when she smells my litter box. She says that she is nearly seventeen years old( in people years) and has failing kidneys. She says I force her to eat a nasty renal diet. She says she barely survived Katrina and thought she would never see her mother(sittingpretty) again. She says she still has post traumatic stress disorder attacks from fear of losing her mother(sittingpretty). She says she needs me to win the breezyseat if I want her to have a comfortable, pain free end, to her life. She says that she is angry with me for not having the equipment to put her picture on poopreport. (I told her about how Daphne posted pics of her bathroom cats).
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Dieting pooper's picture

I've moved to a small apartment with only one bathroom. I was put on a course of probiotics and about 30 mins after I take them in the AM, I've got to poop and FAST! The stuff comes out like a geyser- all green and nasty and smelly. You'd think my insides would be totally clean by now but apparently all the fast food I've been consuming for the past 20 years hasn't come out yet.

I have a poor little vent but it doesn't do shit. Three hours later the apt still smells funky. I'm not even going to talk about the farts in the car or why I don't like to drive people places. I had to sleep in my car for a couple of nights while camping and the last day it was almost too bad to drive in. Thank God for open windows.

Please help me and my cat (and soon to be born baby) have a decent smelling life in this apt. I've heard that a preggo woman's poop gets super gross close to delivery time. Fun.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Dieting, the idea is to simply change your perception of poop. Enjoy the strange and wonderful while it lasts, since once you deliver, or shortly thereafter, your turds are likely to return to normal, mundane, uneventful poop. This is your time to shine at Poopreport, Baby!!!


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Nomad the Bathroom Cat's picture

In response to my photo of eased repose, it was taken pre-vegetarian burrito shit. You silly cads... as if I'd allow a bad picture of myself to be leaked to the pooparazzi.

Amateurs.

pooparazzi.'s picture

Pipe down Nomad, we have pics of you licking your ass...don't make us post them!

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

I told my fiancé about this contest and she claimed that it was silly and rediculious because she doesn't poop, and if she did, it would smell like fresh strawberries.

Please, let me maintain bliss and ignorant happiness for at least the first while of our marriage.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Nomad, we have naked pictures of you with one leg up in the air as you lick your ass.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

5dollafootlongbabay's picture

My Dad deserves this "breezy seat". When he farts everyone knows it him because he just has this signature smell. You could identify it from a mile away!Its like rotten eggs and sulfer combined with some moldy cottage cheese.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

5dollafootlongbabay....Sorry but your dads logs qualify as sissy entries....come back and reapply when your pop has upgraded his cheese aroma. Any sissy can blow a fart that smells like moldy cottage cheese. Tell him he needs to upgrade to limberger or a stinky French cheese.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

While pictures of a cute cat would normally do the trick on me, that one blue eye makes me think it's not a cat at all but instead a feline terminator; and everyone knows that terminators don't have a sense of smell. So instead, I am most moved by Kentuckykin, whose loved ones' lack of respect for her bathroom sanctuary make me realize just how close American society is to crumbling entirely. Kentuckykin, I hope that this deodorizing seat does the job; but I also encourage your to go on strike until your family learns to respect the Golden Brown Rule.

Please email me your mailing address so I can pass it on the Kristine.

(One potential problem is that I haven't actually heard any response from Kristine since her initial email... I hope she hasn't reconsidered her offer!)

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Could I get a copy of the Golden Brown Rule?


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Doo unto others...

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Wow! kentuckykin wins the breezyseat with only one comment. Not even daphne's catarac- eyed cat got any sympathy. (When one can't see well, one has a more keen sense of smell.)I will have to let Thelma Louise know we lost AFTER I trim her claws, that we lost the contest.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Congratulations Kentuckykin....I wish you many happy eyebrow plucking moments in your stench free bathroom.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Kristine's picture

Hello Dave! I can not wait to send Kentuckykin
her breezy seat. I believe you made an excellent decision!! I know the pains of children and a husband invading my sanctuary before the breezyseat. The Breezyseat has given me my sancturay back!

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

I will miss the breeze I was hankerin for but I congratulate you Kentuckykin! :D

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I got a "thang" for unibrows, don't do it kin, ahm a hopen yull send us alla picshur.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Nomad won't come out of his trailer now. I hope you're happy.

(congrats Kentuckykin... being here is prize enough)


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

kentuckykin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thanks everyone!! I can't wait to put it on and use it! I have told my family that it is thanks to them that I won, so now I'll never get them out... oh well, at least I can start plucking again.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

kentuckykin.....We will be expecting a report from you after installation and a few dumps!!

Also, with no disrespect intended, my wife and I were driving through southern Kentucky a few days ago taking in the lovely vistas of huge cornfields and tobacco patches when we spied a young country lady who appeared to have a fuzzy caterpillar on her forehead immediately above her eyes. Do you by chance live in Simpson County?


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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