Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff | Vote now! (finally)

// // 73 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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It was way back in December when Iowa's Bob Shoff fell into his septic tank, and it was way back in January when PoopReporters took to immortalizing his plight in verse. For pooems as great as these, we wanted to move beyond standard PoopReport contest protocol by enlisting some celebrity judges. Daphne's attempts to reach Mr. Shoff himself failed, but she was able to connect with the firefighters who rescued him. The one she spoke to seemed very keen to take such an important role in such an important cultural milestone; but when Daphne mailed him the finalists, she got no response. She even called back -- no answer.

In Iowa, I guess, it's more important for firefighters to save lives than to humor PoopReporters. I guess everyone has their priorities.

Which means that this contest was never properly brought to fruition. Better late than never: below are your six finalists along with one honorable mention. Cast your vote for the funniest, wittiest, and most true-to-life description of Shoff's septic slip now!


Finalist one: Prarie Doggin
Tho' the blockage was not caused by him,
Ol' Shoff cleared it out, then fell in,
He was covered in the goo,
From a year's worth of poo,
And a tampon was stuck to his chin.


Finalist two: C. Everett Poop
There once was an Iowan named Rob
He went down to clear out a blob
As he looked in the hole
For what clogged up his bowl
He noticed some corn on the cob


Finalist three: Logjam
'Twas Christmas ol' Shoff made the news
by diving head first in poo ooze.
When asked for a reason,
He said without blinkin',
"Well, no one likes shit on their shoes."


Finalist four: Artful Dodger
There once was a fellow named Bob,
Who ate nothing but corn on the cob.
'Til he clogged up his loo,
With his corn-studded poo,
And got stuck as he finished the job.


Finalist five: RoboCrap13
He hung through the hole upside-down,
Feet flailing and face covered brown.
And trapped by the waist,
he was now forced to taste,
the crap he pushed out by the pound.


Finalist six: Prarie Doggin
Had it been Mrs Shoff, it would've drowned her,
But ol' Bobby was just a little bit "rounder",
His head and shoulders did pass,
But not so his fat ass,
Saved by McDonalds' Quarter-Pounders!


/** * the following displays the most recent poll * and assumes you have the poll.module enabled * * Works with Drupal 4.6 * Does not work with Drupal 4.5.x * */ // Set the nid for the poll you want to display $nid = 5267; $poll = node_load(array('nid' => $nid, 'type' => 'poll', 'moderate' => 0, 'status' => 1)); if ($poll->nid) { // poll_view() dumps the output into $poll->body. poll_view($poll, 1, 0, 1); } print $poll->body;

Honorable mention goes to Daphne. Her poem is ineligible due to its violation of form, but it deserves recognition because it's truly an epic.

The Christmas tree appeared so fair;
The stockings were hung with such care.
But Santa's gaze led
To the backyard instead,
Where two feet were stuck up in the air.

"Hot shit!" he exclaimed. "What's that smell?
"And look where that poor old man fell!
"Of all the bad places
"To stick your poor faces
"About that one I sure wouldn't tell!"

"Then help me out NOW!" shouted Shoff.
He was starting to get real pissed off
At the fat men in red
Who stood there instead
Eating fruitcake as if at a trough.

"Go fuck yourself, Bob!" laughed Saint Nick
Who wasn't that terribly quick
To rescue the guy
With shit in his eye
If the fruitcake he serves tastes this sick.

The foodstuff he held for inspection,
Was filled red and green reflection,
From nasty dried fruit
That would make his butt toot,
And was as hard as a porn king's erection.

"You'll stay there!" Claus roared. "Don't you fight this!
"This crap's started up my colitis!
"I'd thought it was gone,
"But this cake brought it on
"And only one thing could possibly right this!"

"What's that!?" cried Bob Shoff, filled with dread.
"Please come get me out now instead!
"NO way!" shouted Nick,
"You've earned this, you dick.
"And so you'll remain on your head!"

"There will always be those Christmas Eves
"For Santa to give his reprieves
"But bad fruitcake treat
"Most always will meet
"A septic tank as Santa leaves!"

73 Comments on "Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff | Vote now! (finally)"

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

I still vote that we get Mr. Shoff to comment on this!
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points

I think PD's first one was most original. Though the other ones were doubtless pretty funny, I'm going to have to call 'cliche' on the corn bits. *votes*

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Thanks for the compliment, Dave! Actually, since my poem's not in the running, I can really enjoy watching the voting now.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Daphne, it was truely an epic. It took me three er..sittings to get through it.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

These entries are good but they are all disqualified. According to Dave's original instructions, the limerick is to begin with a specific phrase:

This has all the makings of a great limerick. I offer the first line and a challenge to PoopReport's limericists:

"There once was an Iowan named Shoff..."

Go to it!

http://www.poopreport.com/Contests/limericks_about_shoff.html

Sorry. You all lose. Dave, go back and pick the good ones that followed the rules.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I am biased. I always vote for Logjam.

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

Ya know- DungDaddy is right. I'm going to hold out on voting on this one too just to be a stickler for the rules. Call me a prick, but only 2 of them come close to following the original format.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Just for shits and giggles I looked up the word "offer". Some of the definitions included the words "propose", "suggest", "to try to begin", "to make available". The words "must" and "have to" never came up. If his name had been Robert Orange, we'd have all been fucked.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points


Daphne, epic indeed, and worthy of comment despite form.

There was a young lady named Daph'
Who thought sh'ed make a poop gaff.
She wrote out a ditty,
athlough the form was quite shitty,
she didn't half make us all laugh

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

BVC, nice limerick, but that last line should read "half make didn't she all us laugh".

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points


PD, F1-11!! Is that some sort of 'Americanism'? The original reads fine in the UK, (apart from the type-o)_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

To quote another Americanism, I was breaking your balls.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

DungDaddy: normally I'd be just as much a stickler as you. However, if you carefully read the original post, you'll note that *Logjam* was the one who proposed this contest -- and that he is among those who tossed the rules out the window. Since he who makes the rules has the power to negate the rules, I do hereby declare, as is my authority in Section 2 Verse 2 of the PoopReport Constitution, in keeping with the spirit of PoopReport Congressional Resolution TP UP2, that the finalists for this contest shall remain as chosen.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Spoken like a true statesman. I hereby appoint you ambassador of Turdistan.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

OK. I don't agree with you, but you are the man.

I have to say, though that laming me for pointing that the rules had been breached, was pathetic. Wormlike.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points


PD, duh! balls well and truly busted. As a point of 'across the pondage' is it not 'Americanizm', or am I talking crap?

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I have yet to unleash the powers bestowed me by Dave for good or evil, but I would like to unlame DD.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

BVC, s or z are both ok by me. Just don't be running any of those kippers or bangers by my nose.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points


I would quite happily mail you some kippers if you'd like. I eat them at least twice a week, Deeeelish! Also, they appear to have no adverse effect on ones ability to dam bust the porcelain. 'What ho chaps!'

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Have been to the UK, and seen, smelled and tasted kippers. They remind me of something. I can't put my finger on it right now. Save the postage BVC, thanks anyway.

Batter Up.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Actually, I'm glad Dave didn't make us all write limericks with that one sentence to qualify for the contest. There are only so many words that rhyme with Schoff. And if each limerick would have to have 2 words rhyming with Schoff in it, they'd most likely all end up sounding the same, using the same words. This way we got to read more variations.

I still haven't voted yet. Maybe I'll hold out for who lobbies the most.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Daph. You make very good points. Loved your 6 (count 'em) sentences. Hope you know how special we all think you are.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Brown nose.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

We can't all get by on merit alone, dog dick.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Wow. I haven't voted yet either, and I never vote for myself (he says, bent over lips puckered)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

That, PD, sounds like a position designed to earn a vote for CEP.

Logjam

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Poonanza (37) -- 03.23.2008
I think PD's first one was most original. Though the other ones were doubtless pretty funny, I'm going to have to call 'cliche' on the corn bits. *votes*

As a corn bit offender, let me just say that it's 'cliche' because it's almost freaking impossible to rhyme 'peanut' in the context of a limerick.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Last time I checked he was bent over also. It wasn't pretty.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

In Shoff limericks, corn is now so cliché
you’d think it’s in shit everyday.
But look careful, you’ll find that,
it’s the husk of the peanut
that rounds out the toilet soufflé.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I salute you sir (while still bending....bad back). My vote is yours.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Prarie. In 5th grade, I ran for a school office (Grounds Commissioner). I campaigned, made posters, gave a speech... When it came time to mark my ballot, I just couldn't bring myself to vote for me. I voted for a girl I thought was cute. She won. Beat me by one vote. Since then, I've never had a problem voting for myself. (I still usually always lose anyway).

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I guess you're right. #6 limerick is looking quite pathetic. Maybe I'll throw it one.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Throw it four. How do you think CEPs got more than one vote?

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I try to be honest in everything but taxes. Oh, shit I didn't say that.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Corn powered cars, busses and ships,
Corn pudding, corn dogs and even corn chips.
It's found everywhere,
Even in Shoffy's hair.
So whats wrong with corn in our shits.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

"It's cliche!" our Poonanza roared.
"All this talk about corn's got me bored!"
The veggie he sees
Is usually peas,
the one that his colon has stored.

Gack. How many times am I going to have to edit that to get it right.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I just realized to my horror that we can't be stopped. Help.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

PD, welcome to Gilligan's Island.

The limerick was made for this site.
Its cadence brings poopers delight.
So while we all moan and grunt
to drop the next Allen Funt,
give the poet in us the green light.

Logjam

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Where's Ginger?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I've got your Ginger right here.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

In her tent. She'd love to see you. At 70+ she just can't get enough visitors. (Oops, daphne's post beat me. So, yeah, now daphne's got her. Anyway, don't be shy.)

Logjam

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

And Mary Ann was busted for possession.
No wonder her coconut cream pies were popular!

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Oh well how about Mrs. Howell?

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

I'll pass on the geritol martinis. ;)
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

When is the voting going to be over? And can I get a bumper sticker out of this for honorable mention?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

If you do, can I put it on your bumper?

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Dammit, I forgot about this. I need an intern.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I hear Teddy's looking for a job.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bilge has proved he can act on his own initiative. Reward him by giving him more responsibility.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

No thanks.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

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