Colonoscopy: We All Must Open Wide!

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Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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"Colonoscopy"! A word that strikes fear in some, trepidation in others. Face it: nobody looks forward to it! If you are over fifty, you know that you "should" have it done. To alleviate fear, and at the same time try to scare you into doing it, I will become the Katie Couric of PoopReport. Only I'm old, and not cute, and not famous.

First off, I have no symptoms. My bowels are as regular as clockwork. My diet is fair, with the exception of red meat. Love the stuff. Few things are better than a thick New York steak, stuffed with oysters, covered with garlic and blue cheese. I digress -- sorry about that, I'm hungry. My "procedure" was just done a few hours ago, my tummy is still a bit sore, and the "easily digestible" rice and lentils are just not cutting it!

Had to drive fifty miles to the gastroenterology place. (Country boy.) So I checked into a nearby hotel to begin the laxative cleanout ritual. This is really the worst part. Ducolax, wait four hours, then eight glasses of Miralax. The Miralax shit, followed by Miralax chunky, then Miralax diarrhea, Miralax spray, finally Miralax butt pee, until all glasses of the stuff were drunk. Try to get some sleep. Congratulations! The hard part is done.

Appointment at 7:30 AM. Some newly-graduated nurse attempts to start an IV and misses the vein. I have veins the size of soda straws; this does not look good. I inform her that I was not going under, or taking anything, so the needle was unnecessary. She asks why, then looks blankly as the description of "I'm a PoopReport" is given. She fetches the doc, who laughs and says, "I'd be happy to take you on the tour."

This guy was great. Showed all the tools, how they worked, and adjusted the monitor so I could see, lubed the hell out of my ass, did a prostate exam, and then inserted the scope.

The initial three-foot trip was disconcerting and uncomfortable. Odd pressure, and the feeling of a fish swimming upstream. Much like NASCAR, the corners were the worst. All that scraping against the wall.

Once at the destination, he inflated an area, and started the "tour." All very interesting: the camera, the little firehose to wash anything down for a better look, the hole where the appendix is. All was pink and healthy for a while; and then started the polyps. At first they were, as he said, "pre-polyps" -- small swirls that looked like the grain in wood around a knot. Then some bumps. His assistant slapped a grounding strap on my butt, then sent a snare through the scope. This was wrapped around the offending polyp, after which they would coordinate a pull and cauterization, then search for freshly-sliced chunk, and then send it up the vacuum to be bagged and tagged.

This went on for a while, until he found a huge one. It looked like a mushroom. It was sliced like the others, but was too large to go up the vacuum, so he had to clamp onto it and completely withdraw. Starting over... pits!

Surprise number two was an ugly black patch near the liver. Quite a contrast to all the pink. "This might be cancerous, but probably pre-cancer," he calmly said as he switched from the snare to an alligator clip for grabbing about twenty samples.

Bad news was not quite done yet. Spots of diverticulosis here and there. Lab results in two weeks.

Like I said, I'm a healthy guy with no intestinal issues and no symptoms. I was looking for a baseline colonoscopy for future comparison. Instead, it may have been a lifesaver.

A couple of boring statistics from the CDC:

  1. 72,007 men and 69,398 women were diagnosed with colorectal cancer in 2005.


  2. 26,781 men and 27,259 women died from colorectal cancer in 2005.

Colonoscopy: do nor contemplate doing it. DO IT!

48 Comments on "Colonoscopy: We All Must Open Wide!"

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Squat - I wish you the very best of luck with the results.

A harrowing tale and as you say, it could be a lifesaver. We should take note.

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Good luck Squat.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Squat. Had you not been on a press assignment, would you still have undergone the procedure fully conscious? If not, then you deserve some sort of award (in addition to your life, of course).

I'm "looking forward" to my second colonoscopy, and let me join you on the soap box. What prompted the first about 5 years ago (as reported here) was the diagnosis of colon cancer in the young wife of a colleague. She is still alive, but will be fighting cancer, now in her liver and lungs, until it finally takes her down. And all of this could have been prevented.

Logjam

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

All the very best - Good call on having it done.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I, like Squat, was fully conscious for the procedure, the only uncomfortable parts were when the equipment went around the bends in my bowels, that caused a little tooth grinding. I must remember that phrase "the bends of my bowels" and try to fit it into a poem, so alliterative.

Good luck to you on the biopsies Squat. Logjam...my heart goes out to the wife of your colleague, life can seem so unfair at times.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Good luck to you also Squat. I hope your story will persuade others to undergo this needlessly feared procedure. It is a life saver.

Chief, "the tracks of my tears" by Smokey Robinson.
Get to work on it.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Umm, ok. Give me the IV. I was gonna avoid this procedure at all costs. There's no family history of anything colonish, but you've convinced me to go ahead. But for the love of gawd, I wanna be asleep through it!

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Bran Lover.....If you are totally asleep you will miss the adventure of a lifetime. Think of the movie "The Incredible Voyage", and cross it with a canoe trip up a dank, but colorful cavern. Your heart will be in your mouth as you help the doctor look for stalactites and stalagmites, "over there doc., better snip that rascal off for a closer look."

The post procedural farts you will be able to produce will add to your overall joy. I could have stuffed a golf ball up my ass and blown it into orbit.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Ok Chief, I waited long enough for the "bends of my bowels" song parody.

This is for you Squat,

(sung to the Adams Family theme)
It's greasy and it's slimy,
It's shoved right up your hiney,
That fuckin' thing aint tiny.
A colonoscopy

You'll holler and you'll howl,
As it explores your bowel,
You'll wipe off with a towel
A colonoscopy

When all is said and done,
Your violated bu-um
Farts like a gatlin gu-un.
A colonoscopy *snap fingers twice*

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

PD, you are truly a genius!
_______
The Original Grasshopper

The Original Grasshopper

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Shame on you PD....You side tracked me with the "Tracks of My Tears" suggestion while you were laboring on a sure winner. Great song, I feel sure it will make the PR top 10 list.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

There once was a poet named PD,
and crap was a part of his psyche.
He could take any random shit tale,
and working with economies of scale,
craft songs for the PR bourgeoisie.

Logjam

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Dear Squat, Thanks for the sermon. I will have it done but not without IV sedation.

PD, Thanks for bringing a light touch to the somber post.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I might just do it for the post-op farts.

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

Best wishes to you and thanks Squat....My ass was listening to me read your tale/ sermon and went stomping off into its room and slammed the hole. Its hiding under the bed right now screaming at me that it wants to go live at Grandma's house....we're going to have a talk about making big boy choices later.
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Anonymous Coward's picture

It's not a life saver, it's a deferral at best. Cancer will still eat your ass.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

Good luck!!If you do have diverticulitis, no more corn, no more nuts or seeds, and other things. My Mom has it. she can eat creamed corn, but she shouldn't. It sends her to the pot every time.
I hope things go well. I hope divertic. is all you have.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Squat, thanks for sharing this story. I've been afraid to get one, and now that I'm over halfway to eighty I know the time's coming. That you and Bilge were so open about your experiences helps me and others to put it on the to-do list.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Let's try haiku:

Colonoscopy:
What a feeling--up the butt
Comes the long slick tube.

Butt--before that--prep:
Miralax, then lots of poop,
Solid, liquid, gone.

Afterwards--relief!
Tube is now gone from the butt,
Wait for normal poop.

Pray for good results,
Let the polyps be benign,
Go on with your life.

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I just turned 53 and know I should have it done. But the idea of IV sedation terrifies me. I had it when I fell on Halloween and had a traumatic brain injury, and the veins in my hands/arms still look horrible and hurt all the time due to incompetent nurses. I don't think I can wear a tee shirt when spring/summer come!


_______
Piece Out!
Crapola

Piece Out!
Crapola

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Thumbs up for getting a colonoscopy and a high 5 for not receiving sedation. i couldnt do it without anesthesia personally. 8 glaases of miralax wouldnt clean me out i guarantee. Let us know what your biopsy results read. im not an incompetant nurse but after an all night clean out even rope veins that are dehydrated (from the clean out)will be difficult to stick. It is not always the nurse's fault.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Coprophilia's picture

Folks, the worst part of the colonoscopy is the prep--drinking the yucky stuff and living on the commode for a few hours. Drink and poop, drink and poop. I generally drink hot tea between gulps of Colyte to keep from chilling.

There is a high incidence of colon cancer in my family, so I must have one of these every three years. So far, not even any polyps.

Thunderbutt is right in that the video is like a Fantastic Voyage.

A compromise between anaesthesia and being awake is "twilight sleep." It makes you quite drunk and you have to have someone drive you home.

The procedure itself is a walk in the park. And it can save your life.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I personally like drinking more than having something shoved up my butt.

JK, Cop.

I'm glad that you had this procedure done and wish you good pooping health.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture

I too had to have the hose of death at the ripe old age of 39. The prep was absolutely the worst part. Didnt have the miralax but some other foul thing. After drinking 3/4 of the stuff mixed with iced tea (can no longer drink iced tea after that) I puked it all out. Then had to have two enemas. By the time I got to the procedure I felt as if I had been a prisoner of the Japanese forced to build the Burma railroad. Everything was spic and span. Glad I dont have to do that again for another decade. Now if I can only get my 74 year old mother to do it. She chickens out at the last minute every time. Even my begging wont persuade her.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Test results are in. Not cancer. That's always a good thing. Thank you to all who posted concerns, and apologies to those the thought it was a sermon. Reading it now, I agree it is. So in keeping with the sermon theme...

Death! It is fair, equitable, and inevitable, yet how we die is somewhat in our own hands. So go have the doctor shine a light up your ass, and save yourself from a slow, painful, lingering, well, you know. This allows you to have something quicker, like getting shot sneaking out of a wife's bedroom window, or falling to your death, if the window is more than 3 stories up.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Great news!

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

PHEW!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I have an issue with the toilet paper. We open the package and throw that away. After realizing it is partly made of sand paper. This is bad stuff and I want to make sure I never buy this again. I have found that no toilet paper has their name printed on the carboard, I find that strange.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Look for the package that says "Charmin," not the one that says "Black & Decker."

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

relieved, Squat.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Squat, this was a point of confusion for me also! "Kirkland" does not equal "Black &..." I wondered, but did not wonder enough.


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

thepinksock's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

being a teenager ive never needed one i guess that would hurt like hell

N

thepinksock's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

from what ive seen I guess it would feel like a butt seeking worm crawling up ur colon

N

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Can you say anaconda, thepinksock?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Well, I will be doing the colonoscopy wide awake in August 2009. I don't like the sedation?? Freaks me, so I'm going for it wide awake. Yikes! Thank you to the ones that explained doing the colonoscopy experience wide awake.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC....I would personally recommend mild sedation. You don't have to be totally knocked out but I tend to think the procedure would be very uncomfortable with no sedation at all. I was fully aware during the whole procedure but with mild sedation it wasn't that bad. I tend to think that with no sedation at all it would have been very uncomfortable. Whichever way you elect to go I wish you the best of luck.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

AC, if you insist on no sedation, at least wear headphones and play some Michael Bolton music. The pain in your ears should distract you from any discomfort below.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Kenny G or Yani would also do it for me.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points


_Mrs. Dildo is getting one next week, so I had her read the initial description to ease her mind. She feels better about getting it done thanks to all here. Unfortunately, she surfed the site a bit, and like Rickie Ricardo said to Lucy...."Dildo, you got some 'splaining to do!!!"______
Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Ruh roh Rastro!

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

assfixation's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Look up Rick Simpson, on youtube, he knows how to cure cancer with THC, (Hemp Oil) Yes, the kind that makes you loopy :))) But think obout it a second, do you like the excrutiating pain and throwing up that accompanies this horrible disease?
_______
My shit don't stink.

My shit don't stink.

ExplosiveD's picture

Hello, this is my first comment ever (be nice)! Thanks for a great report. I wish you all the best. There are so many comments to read through. Very informative all. My father had Colon Cancer Stage 4 and had surgery. He has supposedly recovered and claims his Dr. said he can "eat whatever he wants...he's cured" but I think he is full of it. Anyway, I am trying to get a colonoscopy but NO Health insurance!

Has anyone read the work of Dr Hiromi Shinya?
He has a book called The Enzyme Factor. Very interesting. he INVENTED the colonoscope and is the father of the colonoscopy. Very interesting. I recommend it highly. Maybe I will write a story on it for the PoopReport if anyone is interested. Thanks again all.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Explosive...asking us to be nice in your first post, in your first sentence, is surely an invitation to be torn apart by the Front Page Hyena Pack. However, with your promise of sharing a story or two, and due to your graciousness, I'll call off the attack.


_______
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Too late Bilge, he is surrounded. Tbox has just gone in to hamstring him and the rest of us are foaming at the mouth.

The rest of the Hyena Pack

Anonymous Coward's picture

Question.... I have a colonoscopy tomorro and a 2 liter of half go litely to drink can I safely substitute Magnesium citrate [the much smaller bottle?]

poopmellon's picture

My doctor gave me a tip on how to only have to take half the prep - eat chicken, white rice and bananas three days before the test. That way you only have soft foods in your intestines, so the prep is not as much like the space shuttle take off. I did that and only had to drink one container of stuff before it ran clear.

Anonymous's picture

I just went through my first at the age of 60, I put it off a long time! My doc said I was perfect, although the report did show some diverticulosis so I'm not sure how he can say perfect?

I was very happy with the outcome. Good luck!

Regards,Pam

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Hi Pam,

Fiverticulosis is uncommon before the age of 40, and increases in incidence after that age. You are at the age now when it is diagnosed often. Many patients with diverticulosis have minimal to no symptoms, and do not require any specific treatment. A high-fiber diet and fiber supplements are advisable to prevent constipation.

Eat lots of fiber, drink lots of water, and you will probably be good for another 60 years.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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