No Poop For You

// // 58 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Sorry for the lack of updates yesterday and today. I have both a bad cough and severe food poisoning, which is either harrowing or convenient depending on where I'm sitting. Will return Monday...

58 Comments on "No Poop For You"

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dave. There you are on the front lines of a poop story in progress and this is all the detail you can give? What kind of PoopReporter are YOU?

Logjam

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dave......here you are with salmonella influenced bowels while I just did a very rare million wiper. Hope you feel better soon.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Does anyone ever think there will be a Million Wiper March?

Hey, I had to liven up this thread somehow!


_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Ill be there with a newspaper in one arm and a roll of TP in the other.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Don't forget the nivea and wet wipes for when your donut hole gets sore. Feel better soon Dave.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Skatole is some weak ass shit. (comparatively) A family of skunks has taken up residence in my shop. Been trapping and relocating. PU!

Sorry about the cough Dave. A lot of that going around, plus it seems to hang on.

Anytime I am concerned about the quality of water or food, I use grapefruit seed extract. It can save you from having the shits, it might even save your life. 4 oz. cost 12 bucks, and will last 6 months or more. Food poisoning... Never fun.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Boy I wish I had known about the grapefruit seed extract. I suffered food poisoning for the first 12 years of marriage.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

PD? What happened next? After 12 years you.... Got divorced? Learned to cook? Hired a cook/housekeeper? Had her arrested for attempted murder? Became anorexic?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

d. Started drinking.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Strong drink is the glue that cements many marriages.

_______________________________________________

The Hillbilly Philosopher
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

A little of that Elmers glue *wink wink* once in a while helps too.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

PLeh. I've got the shits too. There's a bug going around at work. I've been peeing out my butt all day, and some cramping too.
Get better Dave.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Aw Dave, food poisoning is the worst. What did you eat?

When you get better, make sure to give us all the sordid details. We like details.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Dear Dave:

Get better soon. Do not try any peanut butter products.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

It's been a horrible couple of days: fever, sweats, cramps, nausea, and endless squirting. I would eat something and then see it come out 45 minutes later. Nightmares and body aches and shivers and drenched sheets. Last night I was literally scared to fall asleep because I kept on waking up wanting to vomit. And then there was the blood -- a pinkish tinge on the paper the second day, and unmistakable red by day three.

The doctor has called it "severe food poisoning". He gave me antibiotics for cause and some sort of colon-relaxing pill for the pain, both of which seem to have worked wonders. I'm now on hour number six since my last toilet trip; yesterday, I was counting the time between contractions in minutes.

The culprit was either 8-hour-warm yogurt or scotch. (I don't think scotch harbors bacteria, right? Someone please confirm this is impossible because I'm seriously considering pouring it down the sink.)

And, I'm sad to say, for the first time in my adult life, sitting on the couch, squirming to avoid a cramp, trusting my ability to tell the difference between liquid and gas, I joined the ranks of the fallen.

I still have the cough. I'll worry about that next week.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

The acidity of yoghurt (acidophilus means "acid loving") usually creates an unhealthy habitat for nasty microbes. I'm assuming this was homemade. Hard to find good starter. Most factory yoghurts pasteurize all the beneficial bugs out.

The scotch may be bad. Send it to me for testing.

Had some bad pork when I was 12. I remember the dr. coming to the house every 4 hours with morphine. (house calls at midnight? Yes, the good old days) 6 people with the shits and pain, in a 1 bathroom house, and nobody well enough to help anybody. I should write about that.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dave, I hope you get well soon. Don't count out the possibility of a disease; yours sounds a lot like the Norovirus my wife and I both got over Christmas; that was when we learned about Depends, and I lost 11 pounds in one night. Just be very careful.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Dave;
True story- I once bought a bottle of bourbon, I can't remember the brand name, but it had a plastic Uncle Sam hat on the lid. It was kinda cloudy, but I thought that must just be normal for that stuff.
Well, everything you've described above, happened to me, too.
As we say here in Sydney, I was "as crook as Rookwood" (Sydney's largest cemetery).
So, yeah, it may have been the yogurt, but bad booze can do it, too.
Get well soon, bloke.br>_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

DiarrheaDamsel's picture

definitely yogurt. that stuff is made to make you shit..i can only imagine what 8 hours of warmth would do it. geeeez

to poop is to know

to poop is to know

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Hmmm...sounds nasty Dave. From the symptoms and description of the timed contractions it sounds rather suspiciously like salmonella, which I know from experience is one of the most unpleasant forms of food poisoning there is. When I had it years ago I wasn't fully well again for several weeks. Get well soon Mr Poop.

I'd like to blame the yoghurt, but scotch is evil. It's wonderful, but fucks me up completely. The last time I was drunk on it I was arrested (quite an amusing story actually) and had appalling guts (puking, squirting, just getting out the poison any old how)for 2 days after. I imagine that you are made of stronger stuff than me though mate, and it's salmonella you have, rather than an intolorance of scotch.

Sadly there's bugger all you can do about it if that's what you have. Just sweat it out, drink lots of water and wait for your body to recover. Bananas and plain boiled rice helps.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I should have known better at the liquor store. The bottle said "single malt" and had a Scottish-sounding name, but it was only 1000 rupees -- $20. I've never seen imported scotch for less than twice that. The guy told me it was domestic, the label said it as imported... man, I should have known better.

Down the drain!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Dave didn't the label "Clan MacGregor Singh" raise any warning flags?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

WHY AM I AM THE FIRST DRUNK TO SAY SCOTCH PLUS DAIRY EQUALS HELL?

Just kidding, Dave.

My bet's on the yogurt for making you truly sick and then the alcohol making you dehydrated. These two things combined made you really, really high risk sick.

I know this sounds weird, but if you can find some safe apple juice over there, it's a wonderful relief to nausea and sugar depletions. In fact, apple juice has often reduced my nausea in less than fifteen minutes. I'm not saying it will work for you, but I'm saying it's worth trying. All of our best wishes to you.

Get some sleep; and I hope you wake up tomorrow well rested and hungry.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Dave, ginger ale, with added ginger juice (squeezed ginger root) is good for nausea. Also try not to think about greasy pork chops and warm buttermilk. Get better soon.

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

You're going to make Dave vomit again by typing that, PD. It made me...PD=mean
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

prarie doggin's picture
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Leandra, sometimes blowing your lunch can be a good thing.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I'd suggest eating a big ol' steak, but the local gendarmes would probably execute you on the spot. I couldn't live in India...I must eat cows.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bilge, the steak's no problem. In Mumbai, just ask around for Tony "Steaks" Singh. He'll sell you some from the trunk of his car.

Bilge, I smell a Bombay short-flick about Dave's plight. If anyone can do it, it's you.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I don't dare, I've been in hot water with Dave in the not so distant past, I'm trying to regain his adoring love and tolerance. I imagine I could do that if I actually did some front page material again, but I can't seem to turn a phrase to my satisfaction...fucking writer's block, and the Crapola review is good, too, I swear it is...just have to actually submit it.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Poop is Fun's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I just imagined soupy poop.

POOP NAZI!!!

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I can almost hear John Lennon playing the piano. When I hear "Imagine there's no..." Then it hit me! Where is CEP? Dave is posting very sick, CEP must be dead.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

One thing we've never really explored on this site is the miracle of antibiotics. On Friday afternoon, I was crapping watery blood after two days of crapping watery everything else. A few hours after taking antibiotics, my stomach had stopped cramping and the blood had disappeared; 36 hours later, I feel completely fine.

It's amazing to think that 100 years ago, this illness probably would have killed me. And it's terrible to think that for so many people in this country around the world who don't have the 500 rupees to see a good doctor and the 200 rupees to get the medicine, it might have killed them even today.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

World wide there will be 2.2 million child deaths from diarrhea within the next year, 80% of these deaths will be in children less than two years old. That will be 42,000 each week...6,000 every day or 4 each minute. One child dies this horrible death every 14 seconds. Since you started reading this a child has died somewhere, if you are a slow reader perhaps two have died. Most of these deaths occur because of something we all take for granted, a clean source of drinking water.

Another one and one-half million children will die from malaria within the next year. Many of these deaths could be prevented by a $5.00 mosquito net. In many third world countries this amount of money, that seems so trivial to us, is unatainable. A young penpal with whom I have been coresponding for the last four years is going to medical school in the desperately poor country of Rwanda. He is in charge of the outreach program at the University of Rwanda that distributes mosquito nets and teaches basic sanitation to villagers. Recently a premature child in Rwanda died because a $23.00 part was unavailable for an incubator.

We in the western world have been truly blessed and should share a little more than we do. From those who have much, much is expected.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I saw 2 subjects. Dr Fleming's magic mold, and easily preventable death. Death by poverty is enraging and saddening at the same time.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Wow, Chief. I never realized. Seems like clean drinking water should be a given, considering we live in the 21st century.

Maybe someday everybody in the world will have the most basic of neccessities.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I second that guys, especially (as Dave put it) that the difference between life and death in some areas is just pennies.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

I wanted to post something amusing, but this thread has taken a bit of a sombre turn.
Heres me having survived cancer (so far), and the medical bill, which was thousands of dollars, was covered by a combination of my health insurer and Government Medicare, and yet in other parts of the world, people die for want of clean water.
Sorry, but I can't think of an amusing angle on this one...

_______
I don't bite my nails, 'cause I don't like the taste of whats under 'em.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Last year I put an extra ten dollars on my little African kid's monthly rice/whatever/medicine donation. His uncle wrote to me all excited because they got new mosquito nets. I guess the two younger kids got in two years in a row. It was stated in the same fashion as I'd tell you guys that my kids got the flu.

I can't imagine.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

kurrPLUNK's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I dont know how it is in India. I was in China for 6 months and for the first 6 weeks I was ass-pissing every 2 hours. The Chinese don't shit in toilet bowls; they squat. Thank God for baby wipes.
this is what a "squatter" looks like: http://www.banterist.com/archivefiles/images/squat-toilet.jpg

_______
Hey mom, is it supposed to be green?

Hey mom, is it supposed to be green?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Daphne, will you say that again about the part where the two younger ones got in and how its how you would tell us your things got the flu? I didn't hear you. I need more detail, mabe.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hi kerrpunk, do ya have any juicy pooppy stories in your history that you would care to share with us. Can you break down the six months into little individual snippits of poop humor? I was hoping for new poop on poop report, today, as a matter of fact.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Robbie Burns's picture

Ya bought the Glenfartclas or the Lagapoolin dint ya?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I just now stopped a minute and prayed for you, Dave, Now, I will go back up the page and read the thread.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Now that I read the whole thread, I see that Dave is already better. Good for you, Dave. Dave, I have to ask. Uh, may I ask? Why did you wait until you saw blood before you sought help. Dave, you must set an example for those poopreporters who wait too long to go to the doctor. Dave, I'm just saying, for all the anonymous cowards. I was just thinking of how you can work this experience into a poopreport directed toward poopreporters and anonymous cowards in a positive way.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Oookkkaaayy. Now, I just saw that Dave got sick in February. Ha ha. My bad. I can't see anything unless I tap it. If I tap it I get sent to a whole nother page. Fffeeeell, my frustration, as I fart. Excuse me.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Sittingpretty, when I mentioned the two younger kids, I was talking about the younger siblings of this kid we sponsor in Africa. They both got malaria two years ago. When I sent them extra money for mosquito nets, they wrote back saying how nice it was that they wouldn't have to worry about malaria this year.

The family spoke of malaria how I speak of my kids getting the normal old flu. I was making a comparison of how hard other countries' people have to live, and how lucky we are to live where we live.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Thanks, Daphne, I was just curious. That is a nice thing you are doing. When i get out from under the debt Katrina put me in, I plan to sponsor a child in a third world country as well.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Daphne, how can you speak of third world children getting malaria, when my local wine shop just ran out of my favorite Merlot?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah...and I can't find any Ernie Ball Super Slinky strings for my new guitar? WTF?
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bad boys. Bad boys. Whatcha gonna do? Bad boys.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

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