Archived Captain's Logs

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

The Captain's Log has existed since the inception of PoopReport; I've just rarely updated it. Here are all the old entries, in case you want to see how the site's evolved.



You may have noticed that I, Dave, just gained about 2,000 user points. Is my ego that pathetically fragile that I need to validate myself like that? Also, you may have noticed that certain users lost a few points. Am I so lost in my own self-importance that I feel the need to take down any PoopReporter who might even for a moment steal some of the attention I so desperately crave?

Answer: no, as swollen as my head may be, the answer is far less interesting: a points recalculation and a computer glitch.

In other news: my cost in maintaining this site is about to go up 150%. Are you a fan of the site? Perhaps that knowledge will impel you to buy something.


I continue to invest capital in your pooping enjoyment. Today's risky investment: PoopReport t-shirts now come in white! What a great gift idea!


Holy crap! Check out all the big changes!


Join me Wednesday night, June 15, as I return to the Derek and Romaine Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. We'll talk about the upcoming Summer Stoolstice and I may read some classic pooetry. Listen online for free here!


Poop For Peace Day is approaching fast. I'll be on 102.1 The Edge in Toronto on Wednesday morning at 8:15 AM Thursday morning at 8:45 AM (Eastern) to talk about it. You can listen online here!

Plus, I'll be on KBPI, 106.7 in Denver Thursday morning at 10:00 Eastern, 8:00 Mountain. This is a homecoming for me -- I grew up in Denver listening to KBPI. Unfortunately, you can't listen online. Oh, well.


I'm appearing tonight on the Derek and Romaine Show on Sirius Satellite Radio. Hey, if you don't have Sirius, guess what -- you can listen on their site! An in-depth look into both my psyche and the soul of this site will commence at 8:15 EST.


In the last four years, PoopReport hasn't changed its look much. I created this look and feel
in Autumn, 2000. I've added graphics, changed the nav, and added a right column. The logo changed to
look a lot better. But the header graphics on top of each section index have never changed.
They were originally intended to look like poop smears. They didn't. I've always hated them.

I changed them today. I still hate them, but I hate them less. Here's the new:

Here's what it used to look like:

It still sucks, but it sucks much less hard. If any of you artists think you can do better,
email me. I need help.

In other news, since I haven't updated this section in forever: PoopReport The Book is a reality. Look for it in late 2005 (I hope!), published by Feral House.


I haven't written any news in a while. Sorry. For those of you who don't know, I'm back in Brooklyn after six very expensive months in London. It's nice
to be back. I expect some big neat fun things from PoopReport in the near future. Stay tuned!

Gah, you can see why I don't write these news entries too often. I'm gushing like a 14-year-old with his first blog. "Today I hung out at the mall! I saw
Kathy...! OMG LOL"


Yes, those are banner ads. You should feel flattered -- you, as a PoopReporter, are a coveted consumer! People are spending money to get you to pay attention to them! No pop-ups or obnoxious ads, I promise. If you're interested in advertising to the world's greatest group of online readers, email me. A media kit will be posted shortly.


'Tis the season to buy stuff for people!


I'm here. I made it. As many of you know, I've moved -- for the next six months,
PoopReport will be based out of London.

And what an ideal place to be PoopReporting. In 1874, Dr. John Snow traced an outbreak
of cholera in London to a water well contaminated by feces -- thus, for the first time,
establishing the link between dook and disease. This discovery, coupled with a groundbreaking
report by Dr. Edwin Chadwick that added dysentery and typhus to the list, helped kick off the drive to
sequester sewage from our lives -- to create, in other words, the sewage infrastructure that we
PoopReporters abuse every day. London is ground zero for the toilet movement.

So I'm in London. So what, Crappercritic may ask. Well, it means two things. 1) I will
be exploring this city's storied history in more detail, and telling you all about it;
and 2) since I'm five hours ahead of
Brooklyn, the site will be updated five hours earlier than it was before. Except for when I'm traveling,
which will be quite often -- a flight to Stockholm, for instance, costs the equivalent of US$40 round trip.


The only problem with PoopReport is that unless your computer's power cord is long enough, you can't
read it in the bathroom. Until now. Introducing The Journal of Ass Production -- 32 pages of
the greatest poop reports ever written, featuring Mastercrapper, Doniker, G Ras, Ass Phlegm and more. And it's only $4!


Finally, after almost three years, I've created a FAQ. Also, announcing
Teed Off Turd shirts for sale!


A pretty girl wearing a PoopReport t-shirt.


We've introduced the second in what I hope will be a long line of Poopreport t-shirts: the logo-only shirt. And, we're selling bumper stickers. What a great day.


Please note the new sections: Techniques and Comics. Sweet.


A PoopReport t-shirt! Who would have thought this day would come???


This week is Masters Week at PoopReport -- five days of new content from some of the best PoopReporters we know. This is our gift to you. Enjoy it.

Coming soon: the best poop stories of 2002.


Thanks to Jaybowel and Dakota for holding down the fort while I was gone.


PoopReport just had its one millionth hit -- that's one MILLION pages of PoopReport viewed in a little less than two years.

It astounds me to contemplate this. One million pages downloaded... wow.

Even more impressive, however, is that 500,000 of those pages viewed have come since April. Traffic keeps on growing...


It's true, I'm now unemployed. This will be either very good or very bad for PoopReport. Sure, I'll have a lot more free time to work on the site -- but I lose my high-speed connection. And besides that, I usually worked on the site at work as a method of procrastination. Now that I have nothing to procrastinate, will I still get things done?

I used to be a copywriter. Want to hire me?


No, your eyes are not deceiving you... PoopReport now has a third column. It's a new era in poop... a cataclysm, a paradigm shift. The world will never be the same.


PoopReport now has a blog! Introducing The BM News Wire. Thanks to Jaybill for programming it and Hershey Squirts for contributing so many articles. Also, in other news, PoopReport was mentioned in Time Out NY this week...


I'm back from my tour with my band. I did a lot of thinking about the site during my week away, and I have some interesting new usability ideas. For starters, I've redone the navigation. Sections are more clearly dilineated, and it's easier to see everything PoopReport has to offer. And there will be more changes later....


Sorry for the slowness of late... we've had some server issues, due to the fact that
the dude who hosts us,,
has grown so popular that his traffic killed the server. Good for him, bad for us.
But hopefully everything has been resolved and we can all move on with our lives.


PoopReport Year One: 100,000 total visitors, 300,000 total page views. The interesting
thing is, 70% of it has come since September.


As you can see, I've created a new section. Intellectual Crap is where we get deep --
poop art, poop philosophy, that sort of thing. Time for some deep thoughts...


For some reason, the site was down all weekend. The problem has been fixed.
Sorry about that.


Yes, we now have forums! Very cool. Thanks
to Jaybill for setting it up, and thanks for PoopReport's überpoopers for
testing it out.


New contest! Check it out. Also, big news happening soon with forums and cool stuff like that. Stay
tuned, true believers...


Hey, look, we've been honored!
the weird site


On Monday (the 6th) I was interviewed by the BBC for a 6-part, 3-hour
documentary about toilets that they're putting together. Neat.


Look, there in the upper-left corner... beautiful, isn't it? Yes, PoopReport has
a brand new and utterly professional logo, courtesy of Poop Goddess Kat. (Check out the old logo to see exactly how talented she
is.) I'm in
awe... she did an incredible job. Thank you very much, Kat! (Click here and heap Kat with praise.)

In other news, July is going to be a rough month for updates... I'm going to
be out of town a lot. Sorry...


Also, thanks to Trevor for more design ideas.


Wow, we got hit #50,000 today. I'm so proud. Exactly two months ago we got hit
#20,000. It took
four months to get 20,000 hits, and then only two months to get another 30,000.


BIG NEWS!!! PHP wizkid Areth has set up a
script so now you can
add comments to the bottom of every story! Everyone say "Thanks, Areth!"

So PoopReport is no longer a one-way street. Now we have INTERACTIVITY!
Gosh, the Internet is so


The poop-server is running slow today, I don't know why.


One of my friends who recently got laid off was telling me he went through each and
every page on
PoopReport and how it made him happy. I'm glad to know I'm helping to alleviate the
suffering of
others. PoopReport is truly a public service. I wonder if I can write this off of my


Wow, 20,000 hits!


O.K., so the "dot-com" bubble has officially burst. All those companies that were
riding high two or
three years ago are going out of business left and right. With all these layoffs and
you're probably wondering, "Dave? What is the future of PoopReport? In this time of
economic strife,
will I still be able to read stories
about twits who crap
on themselves?"

Well, I'll tell you. In a 2000 report to Congress, Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin
unveiled a 30-year
study on the bathroom habits of American citizens. The conclusion? The Bathroom
Commission found
that regardless of the economic status of the country, people poop. Be it recession,
depression or
growth phase,
people still go to the bathroom.

So rest assured, unless those geniuses responsible for Viagra come up with some
sort of
magical poop suppressant,
PoopReport will be here.


Congratulations to us -- PoopReport just got it's 10,000th hit! Check out our counter if
you want to see
for yourself. In other news -- spies, global warming, crisis in the Mideast, a new
arms race, a
collapsing economy, and mad cow disease. But none of that has to do with


On TV, a loveable huggable
fluffy teddy bear
giggles and bounces on freshly folded linens. Yes, that's an ad for fabric softner,
but that's the
feeling I want when I wipe my butt. But with so many brands to choose from, how does
one know which
will treat one's anus right? Well, once we're finished with The World's Most
Comprehensive Survey of
Toilet Paper Brands, you'll just have to visit PoopReport.

We're compiling data on every brand of toilet paper we can find. And we need your
help. Click here.


PoopReport was down all day
today, for some
strange reason. I have thoroughly investigated the problem, and have punished the
people appropriately. Their skin shall never forget the sting of my Cat O' Nine


Lots of minor cosmetic changes to the HTML and stuff -- removing ugly horizontal bars
here, fixing
inconsistencies in table layout there, that sort of thing. The result is a much more
PoopReport for you!

The quality of submissions lately has been getting better and better... now we need
publicity. Link
to us on your site! The way many search engines work is that they find their content
by seeing what
other people link to (Google
especially). So the
more people that link to PoopReport, the more search engines will index
Special thanks to
Trevor for all his design


OK. We're almost there. It's taken LONGER to get PoopReport completely functional
then it has to
decide this election thing. But we're almost there! I wish we had better header
graphics, but that's
just not my forte. So until we get an actual artist to help us out, this is what we're
I still need contributors and such. Email me!


I apologize
for the lame header graphics. If you can do better, I implore you to do so. Email me!


The new design is almost complete. Just
need graphics. And, of course, CONTENT. I want you to contribute!


Join the listserv! Find
out news about new stories, the new design, the new server, the upcoming new
database-driven format...

My email address:  


New stories from UberContributer Areth!


Welcome to Version 0.5 of
We need your help!
We need a lot of content, and some design. I'll take care of the design (unless one
of you poor
suckers wants to volunteer) - but I need YOU to
handle the content. Everyone has a good poop story - email me

Or check out the whole site. I'm looking for writers, artists,
contributors of every
sort. Nothing looks better on a resume than 10/00-PRESENT: writer/contributor to online entertainment portal. So
if you see
a section to which you want to contribute, or you have a better idea, let me know!


New stories on the story page!

6.1.02000 has a logo!


It's slow going, but will
day be a reality. Right now, I need contributors. Send me a story. Write an article.
You name it.
Email me.

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