Floss

// // 42 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

For as long as I remember, I have suffered from IBS with constipation. I eat a healthy, vegetarian diet loaded with whole grains, fiber, and things that should make my colon quiver with joy. But, alas, I have a lazy colon. While it refuses to recognize when the cannons are loaded, it demands immediate evacuation when maximum capacity has been reached. So basically my rectum is a pack rat, often going for up to a week before making any attempt to part with the turd its been hugging so gingerly. Maybe it's just lonely and wants the company?

Anyway, even though the colon and I have complete polar personalities, we generally live well together. Normally I would spend about fifteen minutes every day on the toilet, coaxing my timid vacuole to come clean, confess all its sins in the form of a lovely poop to be flushed away and forever forgotten. But it is stubborn, and so am I. Usually this stand-off would end with me defeated and the colon seemingly unaware of any attempt at all.

When I was fifteen, I moved in with my father. His house was old, with walls so thin even the slightest fart could permeate to the neighbors' yard in a matter of seconds. There was one bathroom, right in the center of the house, with our rooms on either side. The distance from the bathroom to any other point in the house never exceeded about sixty feet. This house was SMALL. When you shat, someone sitting on the roof would know it.

As misfortune would have it, I am a Shameful Shitter. Not because I spend fifteen minutes every day trying to win my colon's affection, but because when it DOES decide to evacuate, it follows the "go big or don't go at all" mentality. To put it bluntly, I give birth every time I shit.

My colon is an artist. It produces monumental structures that would make Michelangelo's David shake with fear. If a rock at Stonehenge ever crumbled, I could replace it with just one of these logs and no one would know the better. Sometimes they're really long, other times they've got the girth of an ostrich egg. Either way, they're huge. And I would be proud of them, if only they didn't cause so much trouble.

Sometimes, while I'm in mid-shit, the turd is hanging vertically and it touches the bottom of the toilet -- but it's only halfway out. So I have to elevate a few inches so the log isn't being inhibited by the toilet bottom. If I don't, the poop will remain halfway inside of me, just sitting there in suspended animation. There's nothing quite like the feeling of being mid-shit and having the turd just stop, as if it's rethinking its exit from the cozy womb that is my colon.

Once successfully discharged, I encounter a problem. How am I going to flush this mammoth down? The thing itself is probably twice the width of the toilet's plumbing, and smelling like a water buffalo's taint. Not to mention that my heavily-dilated anus is whimpering with pain.

Normally, I would find something to break it up with. A chopstick, pencil, plunger -- really, anything that could dice up the poop to reasonably sized little turdlettes. But once I moved to my father's house, this process was no longer a private ceremony between me and my bowels. The sound alone of my crap dropping into the toilet wasn't a normal splash, but more like a loud thud -- a sound normally heard when one drops a cinderblock onto concrete from the roof. Breaking up the foul beast could be done quietly, but there was always the possibility it wouldn't flush and I would need to plunge. Normally unclogging a toilet is a must every now and then, but how could I, a Shameful Shitter, be heard plunging every time I crapped?

I couldn't blame it on old plumbing, since my dad proudly installed a new commode shortly before I moved in, proudly claiming it could handle anything. The embarrassment of me -- a one-hundred-and-ten pound kid -- out-shitting my father was just too mortifying.

So one night, as he was sitting in the living room, about twenty feet from the bathroom, I was doing something in my bedroom when suddenly I felt a tingling pressure, and the continents started to divide. The beast had been awakened and was starting to depart -- quickly. I took the three strides it takes to get to the bathroom, and plopped down on the throne, content with the relief I would be feeling in a few minutes. But the feeling turned to dread when I realized this wasn't going to be just a normal big shit. This was going to be a goliath, a hulking yeti pumped with steroids.

Then I remembered I had forgotten to grab something to break it up. My heart started pounding. With each beat, the beast threatened ejection. Thinking quickly, I leaned forward and turned the shower on to mask any noises (and also to get it nice and warm so when I was done I could feel both empty and clean). I looked around for tools as my anus started to widen. And then I saw it. The dental floss. This was going to be the most creative and shameful idea I had ever conceived.

What I did next, I'll explain very bluntly, because there's no other way to do it. I spread my legs wide and grabbed about a foot of floss. I took the floss and made a loop, holding an end in each hand. As the turd started to emerge, I positioned the loop around the turd and pulled, cleanly slicing the salami into thin disks. It took all of my physical and mental willpower to keep from pushing, so I could ease the beast out slowly and cut it up evenly.

The whole time I was thinking about an episode on the Discovery Channel, and how marine scientists were removing tumors from sea turtles by looping fishing line around the growth and pulling the line until the tumor fell off. I wondered to myself if I could make a living doing that, since I was clearly highly skilled at such a task.

When I was done, I looked down and admired my evenly sliced crap. I realized I could probably get a job in a deli slicing lunchmeat, if the turtle thing didn't work out.

I wrapped the foul floss in toilet paper and threw it in the wastebasket, and then I flushed. The turd disks whizzed around the bowl in a frenzy, dancing in a big circle before scampering down the hole. And it was all over, just like that.

I jumped in the shower and felt tremendously refreshed. I tried to ignore the fact of what I had just done, tried to deny that I just diced up my crap with dental floss. It sounded like something a psychopath would do -- a psychopath who used to be a highly creative Boy Scout, at least. But it was over, and since then I have never used this method again.

I wouldn't recommend it to anyone -- it's difficult, disgusting, and there's a very likelihood you'll end up shitting on your hands while trying to slice the crap. But when nature calls, only the Shameless -- or creative -- survive!

42 Comments on "Floss"

plop cop's picture
l 100+ points

I've experienced much in, on. and around the throne of porcelain. Sometimes I was not the participator but the witness, thereby expanding my poowareness exponentially to the poopeth power of base number two. You sir, have visited a new one on me and my rectumus maximus winks thrice in salute to your originality and pooserverence in perpetuating your shameful status.

_______
Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Amateur! As every good turd assassin knows, piano wire is the only proper way to garrote a grogan.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Butt Sputter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is the most creative way to handle a tough situation I've ever heard. I applaud you. Hope that thing with the turtles works out, cuz u'd be great at it!


_______
Everyone Poops. There is a book about it, so it must be true.

Everyone Poops. There is a book about it, so it must be true.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

That had to be hilarious to watch. I wish I were a fly on your bathroom wall.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

My mouth waters in disgust. Lol. How can I EVER floss again without thinking of this? Too very, very funny!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Yeah, I will be gagging too the next time I go to floss. Thanks Turtle, good story bad mental image of floss as a butt-raker.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I had to check turtle's profile, and I knew it - turtle is a female. How did I know it? Because this would have been a near impossible feat to complete had the author been trying to lasso crap nuggets around a wang. Can you imagine if the wrong dangling participle was edited?

All these years on Poopreport have honed critical thinking skills that should never, ever, come to the light of day.

Turtle, welcome to Poopreport. I truly enjoyed reading your story. Well done!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I didn't realize thatI was assuming turtle was a girl, although I kind of thought she was a boy. I totally forgot that boys have baggage blocking the poopshooter.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I never thought of using dental floss that way. Good idea. I've always used the toilet brush or another family member's toothbrush to chop up big turds.

turtle's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

thanks everyone for your comments. yeah, i'll admit it, I'm a female. I didn't mention that in the story, I assumed you'd either figure it out, or just live in a world of denial where women don't shit. But we do, and ooohhhhhh it can be epic!

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

..and I thought the Colgate had a new formula! That new tangy flavor has lost its luster somehow.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I was first given a wire from a coat hanger to chop up my brother's rugby ball poop. It didn't do anything but give it the alligator roll in place move. I snuck a kitchen knife in the bathroom. I instructed my brother not to use it as it was for chopping his fat poo. I probably hit him and told him he should be chopping his own poo.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Terrific story, ingenious solution. I hope you find a doctor who can help with your lazy colon. It sounds like you're doing the right things with your diet. The only part you don't mention is water. Do you drink lots of water--say, 64 oz.--every day? That might help. In the meantime, carry some floss with you for times of need.

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

I can picture MacGyver scratching his head and saying "I never would have thought of that!"


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I dunno Robo. I keep picturing MacGyver being chopped up and flushed along with the flurds, never to be seen again. Maybe it's just wishful thinking.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I bet your dad ia wondering why there is shit in the dental floss in the garbage. He won't look at you the same way again.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I like the word flurds.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

I think your technique is brilliant! My grandad used to lop off hanging moles, aka skin tags with fishing line. Same way loop and pull. Chefs cut cinnamon rolls with thread instead of cutting them,lest they be squished. So cleaving turds with floss is an awsome way of thinking outside the bowl. KUDOS to you my female compadre of poop.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Did you play with modeling clay or play-doh a lot as a kid? The play-doh fun factory is what went through my mind as I imagined your masterpiece turd neatly sliced into chips with floss.

That's how I used to cleave play-doh logs when I was a kid.

Berry M. Deep's picture

Oh sweet Jesus!! I myself know all too well the joys and pain of ginormous logs. Pride in the fact that they are all 18in or more and the sweet relief of your o-ring saying thank you, thank you oh merciful Lord. The beaming joy of leaving a "Pot of Black Gold" for co workers to enjoy and ponder who amongst us can possibly hold a load like that who isn't the size of a silver back gorilla. Some of which go undiscovered for days at a time because they are in underused toilets and then become "waterlogged"" and grow to even bigger proportions. These "Beasts of epic proportions" grow with each telling of the tale.

turtle's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

hahah A.C., I was practically raised playing with playdough (and lincoln logs... hehe ironic hu?). The most simple toys are always the best!

turd wrangler's picture

stumbled into this wacko site; and was HOME! I love you all! ...my newest extended family, you'll be hearing from me now regularly....so f'n happy, i could just....
Dead people can't eat jello.

Anal Fissureman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

It's a fantastic technique, and very sanitary (as long as you don't reuse the floss later). I admire your problem-solving ability, as well as your prodigious colon. You go, girl!

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Welcome turd wrangler! Put on your tin foil hat and jump right in!

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

turd wrangler, glad to have you. So how about registering? It is like taking off your cpoat to stay awhile.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Dookietron's picture

I didn't know that they let girls into the boy scouts?

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Dookie, they are called Girl Scouts.

_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

meowpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

this site is what nasty is in computer form! dang!

-- what smells? shit!

meowpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

typo sorry. hehe
_______
-- what smells? shit!

-- what smells? shit!

turdistheword's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ingenious ! If you had a mini version of 1 of those noose things animal control uses,Billy Mays coulda sold a million of 'em for ya. It slices, it dices, look at that...turdmata ?
______________________________________________
And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

assfixation's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I bet your an abidexterrorist.
I think I'm going to buy a Jigsaw just for those special occasions. Jackshit Fartmaster will be proud of me. 5 Apples, Sourkraut made with salt, 80 ounces of water and hot peppers. Wave bye bye to the turdlets.

My shit don't stink.

doakman2007's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

When I was about 4 or 5, our family moved into a partially completed home that my father was building. He had not finished the plumbing in the bathroom, so we had to use a 5-gallon bucket for our toilet. At 4 or 5 years old, I found sitting on the bucket very unpleasant. So much so, that I would hide behind our house (the north side had no windows) cross my legs and hold it with all my might whenever I had to poop. Needless to say, I would get very constipated. Mom would give me laxatives (Feenemint gum) and suppositories to try to get me to go but the turd was so big and hard that it would tear my anus as it tried to exit. This would hurt so badly that I would cry and hold it in even more. Mom finally would have to lube her finger and my anus with Vaseline and go in and break up the turd into smaller pieces and dig them out. I think this is why I enjoy any activity involving pooping (as well as peeing). I don’t remember associating what she did with any sexual feelings but the anal stimulation probably felt good to me, even as a child.

battleshits pooperstar's picture

omg! i found this two hours ago... i have never laughed sooo much in two hours in my whole life.
good shit guys... [pun intended]

Colon Chowder (long forgot my PW)'s picture

Interesting story, but why the hell would you put shitty floss in the trash instead of flushing it? Rookie move there.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

The only things that should ever be flushed down the toilet are toilet paper and what's wiped on it.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Captain Craptastic's picture
l 100+ points

Hmmmmm, Female, Produces HUGE Poops, Calm during a Crisis, Not Squeamish: Sounds like my soulmate! Can I have your phone number? I want to arrange a Pooping Contest. Great story! Thanks for contributing.
----Captain Craptastic!!!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

LOL OMG so funny, making me lol in the loo.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Great story! I have an Uncle who's a dentist and he uses dental floss for all kinds odd crazy repairs, says it's "as handy as duct tape".

Frank Zappa wrote a song about Dental Floss called Montana:

Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a Dental Floss tycoon
(yes I am)
Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a mennil-toss flykune

I think you were spied on bye Zappa (a notorious documentarist) and you sir are the mennil-toss flykune!

Your Royalties await!

ShittyShadow's picture

Piano wire is effective yes... But Stainless-Steel 0.012" Avation Wire is 1337 (elite) and takes up the least room in the equipment packs of the best Stealth-Shitters. Now thats Ninja!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

Great story..great PR name! You threw me off with the Boy Scout comment. Where's Turtle? Where do all you one hit wonders go after the spotlight?

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

That's easy.They go make more stories.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

dailydeuce's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is why I love this website.

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