Preparing For The Summer Stoolstice

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The universe is like a giant Swiss clock. Gravity and other magical forces effortlessly keep the planets and the stars floating around space with the precision and regularity that only someone on all-oatmeal diet can possibly replicate. So exact is the rotation of the Earth around the sun that on every June 21, without fail, there occurs the celestial event known as the Summer Solstice. This is the day when the tilt of the Earth is at its least drastic relative to the sun, and thus occurs, in the Northern Hemisphere, the longest day of the year.

The Summer Solstice has happened every year since the Earth started rotating. June 21st, 2005, however, also marks the third annual celebration of a very important tradition here at PoopReport: the Summer Stoolstice.

Achieving the elusive eighteen-incher is a difficult feat; but if there were one day a year to strive for it, this is it. The trick is two-fold: a regimented two-day diet of hard-to-pass sustenance, followed by a sudden massive influx of cleansing fiber. Starting on June 19, you want to fill up your stomach with a mess of difficult-to-digest bung (PHASE 1), and then bind it and shove it all loose with a tremendous burst of fiber (PHASE 2).

My intuition tells me that Phase 1 should consist of fatty meat, cooked as thoroughly as you can stand it. A little bit of research brought me to Digestive Control by Anne Mears, which gives us these tips:

"The specific food vs. digestion time: Carbohydrates (fruits, cereals) require the least amount of time to digest; proteins (legumes) is second, and last of all, requiring the most time to digest are the lipids (nuts, nut butters). A mixture of two or three (beans and rice) requires even more time to digest."

"Method of food preparation: Fried food or foods containing high amounts of oils or hardened fats, require more time to digest. A cereal cooked very well is easier to digest than one that is partially cooked."

"Too much water or juice taken with the meals will dilute the digestive juices, and slow digestion: 'Food should not be washed down. Taken with meals, water diminishes the flow of saliva; and the colder the water, the greater the injury to the stomach... The more liquid there is taken into the stomach with the meals, the more difficult it is for the food to digest; for the liquid must first be absorbed.'"

Ms. Mears, of course, suggests we should avoid slow digestion. But in Phase 1 of celebrating the Summer Stoolstice, slow digestion is exactly what you want -- you want to retain as much of your food in your stomach as you can. So follow the above guidelines all day the 19th and most of the 20th to ensure record-breaking bulk.

But building up your internal mass is the simple part. That's like packing a barrel full of gunpowder -- easy, but benign without a fuse. So on the evening of the 20th, you bring your preparations to fruition. On the 20th, the last meal you should eat (dinner, if you dine late, or a late-night snack) should be as much fiber as you can possibly handle.

Oatmeal, for instance. At least two bowls.

Oatmeal, bran muffins, fiber-filled cereal, raw green veggies, brown rice, beans, a triple helping of Metamucil for dessert... they don't make the most delectable dinner, I know. But for the Summer Stoolstice, this is the sacrifice that must be made. In order to achieve maximum chunk on the 21st, you need this injection of fiber to bind your churning mound and push it out. Making its way through your system, the fiber should scrape your internal nooks and crannies clean and free of any clinging pockets of stool, clumping your huddled masses together in what you hope to be a celestial event of your own.

Pooping for sport (or ritual, in this case) is not an easy task. No two colons react the same, which means what works for me may not work for you. However, if you follow these guidelines starting on June 19th, June 21st should be a long and memorable day for you indeed. Good luck!

-- Dave

69 Comments on "Preparing For The Summer Stoolstice"

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I have one, but it's okay, you can just keep it.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

SP, maybe you can just borrow one from your UPS guy. They're already brown.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Postman.....Most of your brethren in this area wear those knee high socks in the summer!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I hope I didn't wreck my chances for an 18 incher on Sunday, since I just cranked one out that was about 20 inches.

Oh well, back to the 100% whole wheat bread and raisin bran diet. Maybe I'll have something worthwhile Sunday.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I wont need the tube sock now either posty as i dropped 2 1/4 lb of poop in last 2 days. My pooashead baby must have got delivered in that 2 inch moend last nite. I am glad my abdomen is down cuz i am going to Fla. in the morning. yippee!
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My Saturday evening meal shall consist of a huge serving of turnip greens seasoned with just a little bacon grease and liberally doused with cider vinegar at the table. If everything goes as planned I should be extruding a long, almost black poop to celebrate the stoolstice.
The bacon grease is not only for flavor but I think it will provide enough lubrication to allow the grogan to glide out effortlessly and remain in one piece.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I'm going for chili (heavy on the beans) with raw onions, lots of cheese and habeneros/serranos/jalapenos. Once I've managed to mash most of that down, I'm going to follow it up with a half of a bag (at least) of dried apple rings. The dried apple rings never fail to make my bowel dance and sing.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

This morning I had Shredded Wheat (2) with wheat germ and fruit; this evening we went out and had Chinese with "healthful" brown rice, lots of celery, carrots and water chestnuts. We'll see what happens, though given my recent performance, I'd be surprised at an 18" turd.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

For lunch today, two Wendy's Double Stacks, along with a banana and some carrot and celery sticks. For dinner, fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn. For breakfast tomorrow, raisin bran and coffee.

Meat, carbs, starches, and fiber. The four main food groups.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Crowded Chinese buffet tonight. Lots of tongs clanking, people in and out of bathrooms, non-English speaking staff. To be followed by a night of music and bar drinks, maybe a plate of hot wings. Tomorrow.....dicey.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

PD, if your toilet wasn't bolted to the floor, it would be trying to run and hide right now.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Too much roughage yesterday, I think; my Summer Stoolstice poop was urgent enough and voluminous enough, but too soft, and it just swirled, twirled, whirled, and curled in the bowl. Lots of length, but hard to measure because of the overlappage. Felt good, though.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

My wife is in the bathroom right now dropping her load. I wonder if she'll think I'm odd if I ask her how long it was when she gets out?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I had planned on eating turnip greens last night but they didn't look good when I went to the produce store shopping yesterday, so instead I had a rather large slab of meatloaf, a nice serving of pigeon peas with a fiery sambal and half of a baked yam.

My stoolstice turd came out in unmeasurable chunks but it looked like it would have gone close to 18 inches if I had reassembled it.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I was met with failure...it got hot again, here, and I drink far too much water to create the elusive log...I had more of a Sittingpretty splat...


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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I like that Bilge. A sittingpretty splat. My I use it sometime?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Happy Poostice to everybody. It's June 21, the longest day of the year and, hopefully, the fullest BM as well.

I haven't had my dump yet, but I'm hoping that my nice, long bike ride to work will loosen the bowels so that I can spen all morning long farting in my office, followed by a nice pre- or post-lunch dump.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I was going to attempt taking my daily dump on the exact time of the solstice but my asshole warns me that the levee will be breached shortly and I should be sitting on the commode when it happens. Here I go at 7:21 AM to unleash hurricane Katrina in my bathroom!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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