Bringing Out Baby

// // 568 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was surprised when I came to PoopReport to see that there were no entries about childbirth pooping. Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

So yes, I too pooped during those final hours of labor. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, what happened to me was far more embarrassing than squeezing out a few doo-doo droppings on my OBGYN.

It was my first baby and I opted for the epidural -- the injection that numbs you from the waist down. And as many of you might know, when you are numb from the waist down, that includes ALL of your muscles. As a result of this numbness, I was unable to control any gas that needed to exit, and ended up ripping LOUD (I mean LOUD) farts left and right. They seemed to be coming every three seconds.

Mind you, I have never been a farter or a Shameless pooper. I've never had any trouble with my bowels; I rarely fart, and I NEVER farted in front of other people -- even my own family and my husband of six years. But on that day it all changed.

I eventually told the nurse I didn't want any guests, and to only disturb me when absolutely needed. I was so embarrassed by my out-of-control gas. I desperately wished I had that fart device depicted on SNL once -- the one that plugs up your ass and makes verbal, robot-like conversation every time you break wind. Instead, I ended up wedging a towel in between my cheeks to muffle the sound. It worked. I lay there, numb as can be, farting in blissful silence, and no one could tell.

I implore everyone here to ask your own mothers about their childbirth stories. I'm sure there are some good ones.

-- MommyPoo

568 Comments on "Bringing Out Baby"

poke butt's picture

If women were allowed to give birth in the proper position they wouldn't shit themselves! No other animal in nature shits itself during birth. Believe me, as a vet's assistant I would know! Women, don't give birth laying down! It's not right!!!

Ronzique's picture

My, God!!! I have watched "A Baby's Story" on TLC Cable and have seen some women being told to "bear down as if having a bowel movement." But, I never thought that some women, based on the comments I have seen here, would actually have BM's when in labor. I am so accustomed to seeing water and blood dispell from female bodies when the babies are pushed out, which is due to water and blood vessels being burst from the force of women pushing their babies out. Amazing!!!

Elle's picture

Oh gods, I re-read these posts and all the new ones, and I just about died from so much laughing:

Penelope Poopstain, SudsyWench, Jenners, momoftwo (!!), HR Poop'n'Stuff...

Your stories are priceless and will be shared, I think, for many generations to come (like great, hilarious myths). It's downright pooptastic, I tell you! LMAO.

khawar's picture

show me birth of a baby

10 year old's picture

GEEEEEZZZZZ!!!!This has even more cuss words than the "poop for peace" thing! After reading about all the stitches, cutting/tearing, pooping and pain involved in childbirth, I am NEVER having kids. I'll just marry a doctor and adopt kids when I grow up. And I'm not getting married 'til I'm 20 something.

10 year old's picture

What does "lol" stand for?

quiltedfresh's picture

As a young woman/teen, I haven't acutualy had a chlid yet, but when I am a bit older I plan to, even though it can be painful/humiliating. I havent read all the posts on this page, but about 3 quarters down, and have this to say:

I think I'm a bit biased, but if this is indeed a cleaner sex, it's probably the women. I think we are just generally more concerned with hygeine, that's all. I'm not trying to say that all men are unclean, just some, just as some women are not as hygeinic (spelling?) as others.

Steve/Alex: As other people have said, please try and take the time to press the caps key again to get you text back to normal. It's just to the left of the a. You really disgust me. It's pretty sad that you will actually take the time to defend your sick and twisted rants after you know you've been beaten. Lots of other people have told you all the things you've got wrong, and you probably havent listenes a bit. Don't waste everybody's time. Just go, and stop forcing us to listen to your inane ramblings.

Hu_Flung_Dung's picture

This is such a random site... I'm coming by just to drop in... Maybe take a dump on the way out... Don't get hemmorhoids!

Katrina's picture

Pooping during delivery wasn't half as horrifying for me as it was to do it two days later. Felt like I was giving birth to my eight pound baby through my ass.

Much a Poo About Nothing's picture

I must tell you I have pooped twice with both my former births. The doctors and the staff were very discret and just went about their jobs cleaning and replacing the bed sheets.

I am now pregnant and due anytime with out last child and I doubt the Poop Monster will be any less forgiving. But the joy of holding the baby in those first seconds makes the fear all go away!

Oh well. At least it is not in public and I don't have 50 relatives watching me. That itself would gag me out. There is your Dad, your Mom, Your Father & Mother In Law, Your Grandparents and God knows who else wants to be in that room. I kinda feel like a Birth is for the immediate family to watch...not the whole family tree. Who wants your Father in Law looking at your vagina anyway??????? *YUCK*

Charlie's Gal's picture

oh my god! I am soooo glad I came across this post before I decided to get pregnant! I'm 28 and have always sworn I would never have kids. In recent years though I have been feeling all broody and was considering changing my mind. I figured it couldn't be quite as horrific and humiliating as people made out! But I guess I was wrong! After reading everyone's messages any broodiness I felt before has well and truly gone! I will never ever have kids! And after reading this posts I will probably never ever sleep soundly again! Childbirth sounds absolutely disgusting and I know some women need to have children to maintain the population but I am quite happy for the other ladies out there to get on with it! Good luck to you! You are all extremely brave (and possibly mad!)

Now I just need to get all these disturbing images out of my head!!!

Shit of my life's picture

I was delivering my daughter. Her head crowned and she was stuck (shoulders to big) and she was blue. So the doc had Husband and nurse force my legs over my head. He stuck middle fingers inside me and looped them underneath babies shoulders and ripped her outta me. I ripped all the way into my asshole. I lost so much blood I had to have a blood transfusion. Any way the doc took a few hours to sew me up.

ON TO THE GOOD PART

I spent 4 days in hospital... forgot to take the stool softeners... finally peed on my own on 4th day w/out catheter. Went home... oblivious to the fact that I was supposed to take stool softeners. Well on day 8 after birth about 10:00 pm I went to the bathroom. (STILL HAVEN'T SHIT) Of course I'm still in major pain and taking lots of percacets/vicadins to further constipate me. I can barely handle sitting on the toilet I was so sore. I new I had to shit... but it wouldn't come out!!! I started having major cramping and pressure but still couldn't go no matter how hard I pushed.

OK HERE IS WHERE I GET GROSS AND DESPERATE!!

by 3:00 a.m. I was in the tub trying to poop, had taken every laxative known to man and called mom to get me an enema and sent sister in law for more laxatives. So mom comes over and at first I try to give myself an enema. Well I discovered my stitches keeping my asshole shut. My mom and husband didn't believe me and I was so pissed I actually got on all fours naked and spread my cheeks (oh my god that hurt) and showed them. (SOMETHING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT NOW!!) So they see that I'm right and we agree that mom takes me to ER and husband stays w/ baby.

Well I waited and waited and waited at the ER for my doctor. He comes in around 8:00 a.m. and of course doesn't believe he stitched me closed. So up on the table I go and he unstitches me and apologizes. He tells me I am extremely constipated and gives me this fizzy drink to make me shit. He wants me to leave the ER and go to his office where me and poor mom will be more comfy (right down the street) so we wait around for a little while, do paperwork and finally head out to car to go to Dr.'s office.

DID I MENTION I HADN'T POOPED FOR OVER A WEEK!

well in the car my tummy starts burbelling - sp? I know I'm gonna go. I actually shit in my pants. We hurry up and get in the doctor's office and I get weighed at 173 lbs (shit in pants and all) /bloodpressure/pulse the usual. The burbelling starts again and I get in the bathroom and have explosive shitting. I'm shitting so hard the toilet water is splashing back at me. Mom is horrified at the sound and smell as I didn't have time to shut the door to the bathroom. Nurse leaves the room so I can have privacy. (thank God it was a room with a bathroom) I shit and shit and shit. I stopped for a few minutes and laid down on the table, my belly starts burbelling again and I partially shit my pants again (I had already thrown my undies out) before getting the the bathroom leaning over to explode everywhere - the wall, floor, sink, me.

By the time I left, I was so shitty. sweaty and smelly. but I had to weigh myself. I had lost 11 lbs.. down to 162.

NOW THAT WAS THE SHIT OF MY LIFE

laughing my ass off's picture

OMG...I am laughing so hard right now at the shit of my life...I know I shouldn't, and I know that was a terrible thing to go through...but still. Thank you all for giving me smiles today, and for letting me remember pooping while pushing with my (ex) husband, mother, sister, mother in law, brother in law, sister in law, cousin, and best friend....thanks...yay

fart_juice's picture

Wow, Shit of my life! I've just laughed so hard reading your story that the tears are actually rolling down my cheeks (the cheeks on my face, of course). That's the funniest thing I've read in a LONG time. Damn! It's a darn good thing that our memories of physical pain are rather short, because that really sounds horrible! But it makes for great reading! I commend you for submitting that story with all the details. Thanks for the laughs! Stand-up comedy doesn't get any better than this!

Rebecca aka Mysticolett's picture

Oh my I'm laughing tears over here. I'm only 16 and Gia forbid I have any children. I am now very afraid, taking a dunk in front of people sounds much worse to me than the pain.

Rebecca aka Mysticolett's picture

I know what I'll be dreaming about tonight.......

Sue's picture

According to some pregnancy books (Pregnancy for Dummies) & magazines doing a poop whilst in labour is natural & means that you are pushing correctly

Dung Lover's picture

EWE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THat's so gross!!!!!!!!!

Closet pooper's picture

I loved reading this stuff, so grateful that this site is here. I'm due in 4 weeks so I'll let everyone know how it goes for me when the time comes - no fasting for me, I'll probably have Mexican the night before but I'm having a homebirth so at least I'll have some privacy (I don't view giving birth as a spectator sport - sorry no "guests" allowed).

oohpoo's picture

wow! I'm never havin' another kid! I didn't know all that could happen! I guess i was lucky. I remember the pain being awful, but I didn't have to have an episiotomy,or an enema(they didn't even offer one)and I didn't crap myself. Maybe labor is easier when you're really young? I was 16 at the time...and only now...10 years later do I find out that all that can happen! No more kiddos for me! OUCH...and YUCK! kudos to you gals for living through that!

teresa's picture

im never havin children. pooping amd farting during childbirth? possibility of being cut from my tootle to my butt hole? wow. adoption it is.

oohpoo's picture

TOOTLE!!! hee hee hee hee...oh....God...Tootle...falling out of chair with laughter....hee hee hee hee

haley's picture

Oh my gosh! This webpage is hilarious! All of these comments bring to mind the story my mom always tells of my brother's birth.

It was September of 1988, and my mother was in labor. My father was anticipating being able to watch his second child come into the world (he was not allowed in the delivery room for my birth in '85). Back in the day, he was really into cowboy boots and had just purchased a rather spectacular pair of green Anaconda ones, which he brilliantly wore to the hospital. As was common years ago, my mother had been given an enema to clean her out before all of the pushing. When she was "done" in the bathroom, she came out into her hospital room only to be met with a severe contraction. She braced herself against my father (her back to his stomach) in order to weather the pain. As she was breathing through the contraction, she pooped all over my dad's fancy new Anaconda cowboy boots. What horror for him! As a VERY discreet man, he was mortified not only for her, but angry because his $400 boots were ruined by some runny, escapee shit. Back on the toilet mom went, and back home went dad to fetch alternative footwear for the day. He picked up McDonald's on the way back to the hospital (guess the poop didn't upset his appetite too much).

My father no longer has his poopy snake boots, but my mother always has this tale to tell of her labor woes (not to mention the episiotomy done without an epidural or local antisthetic during this birth).

GotDoody?'s picture

This site practically has me pooping my pants! LOL. I've given birth twice, both were very fast but resulted in 3rd and 4th degree tears not-so-respectively. Reading these posts got me thinking. I would swear to you I did not poop during either delivery. But now I'll have to ask my husband because maybe I did and didn't know it. (thanks to good ole' epidurals) Nobody has ever told me otherwise. My personal joy was trying to take that first crap after childbirth. Accomplishing that in itself is a HUGE victory. (and boy does it feel huge. The pain! LOL) My advice to future child-birthing women, pop the stool softeners like a prescription drug addict! IMO they were much more important than any of the painkillers I had been armed with upon being discharged from the hospital.

Mary Anne's picture

Us ladies have it way harder than guys. The put in their 2 minutes and then we have to carry the kid(s) for 9moths. We not only gotta go through grueling pregnancy, but then childbirth. If you actually care about shitting during birth though-thats insane.If you have to shit, you have to shit. I hope in a next life, guys get to have the babies and see how it feels.

OMG!!! ROFL!!!'s picture

This was soooo hilarious, and painful at the same time. Believe it or not I READ THE ENTIRE THING!!!! I think it took me three hours and I am at work. I have no children yet and I'm 28 female. I am not scared I want a little clone of myself running around. I don't think my Boyfriend will be scared either he has 5 children so he better know whats up. By the way thank you ladies and gentlemen for those stories. I wont forget them!!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Oh my God, Poopface! What a turd brain!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Poopface Sh*ttah's picture

How about not? It was Eve's sin that gave women pain in childbirth.

Marc's picture

I realize that women don't find this gross or think it's natural but I saw that when my wife had our first. I never watched again. It was too sick. I really don't care if it's my fault she was there. I simply cannot separate the fact that there are just some things a guy is NEVER suppossed to see. I'm truly am glad I'm a guy. If most guys are like me, and we gave birth, there'd be no population problem.

plopplopplopplopplop's picture

wow. OK. Now I'm freakin scared. My wife is about 5 months along. Jeeeeeeeeeeeesus. I'm wobbly-kneed.
I think it would be funny, though, if my wife craps in labor. I would probably laugh my ass off and then...then she would get up, half a baby hanging out and all, and destroy me.
I can see the doctors and nurses and god knows who else now, getting angry because I'm laughing like a jackass because my wife made a dookie.
Frickin hilarious. I went through a change of shorts getting through some of these.
My QUESTION: for all the women out there who've gone through it...the cutting or tearing debate...(god, I can barely think of it without getting weak)...what do I tell my wife to do. Oh Jeeeesus they're going to put me away for ever if I see her tear/see them cut. Oh God.
And my wife has the lowest pain tolerance in the world. Looking forward to the baby though. She is going to completely embarass me in delivery. I just know all those things I told her in confidence will come boiling out in wrath while she's in the throes of popping out babies.
I'm screwed. Somebody help. Freaking out.

GotDoody?'s picture

Dear plopplopplopplopplop-
Cutting vs. tearing pretty much depends on the size of the baby, the speed of the delivery, and the doctor. My son was 6lb 6oz but because he came out so fast, which prevented my body from having enough time to stretch, I had a 3rd degree tear with a cut. My daughter was 5lb 13oz and because of the same factors as with my son and because of the scar tissue from him, I had a 4th degree tear. My advice to you, don't laugh at anything during childbirth unless your wife is laughing too. I was quite pleasant for mine. Only once did I sneer and growl at my husband. It was enough for him to get the message before I reached around and strangled him. And all he was doing at the moment was sitting beside the bed on a stool, spinning it back and forth until he hit the bed. Back and forth, back and forth. UGH. I think I'll go smack him now. LOL After reading these messages, I asked my hubby and my mom if I pooped either time. Nope. Actually my husband was quite horrified to hear that women do that. LOL Good luck to you.

Kendra's picture

I have been reading this web site since I got pregnant. I came to the site to get some insite on the issue. At first I was scared like you would not belive but I feel better and have had a ton a laughs since. So thanks to the people that shared there stories. I am in my 28th week now and not caring what happens to me any longer just caring about this baby is great (I am having a boy by the way). However I have to say this with what my X-finance put me through 2 months into the pregnancy and how I am despreate to understand what happened. I hope and prey I shit all over him I hope he passes out from any and all fumes that fly from my body. The only thing I wish is that the doctor is spared because no good person deserves that. Untill next time I'll just keep reading and when he is born I will post my story.

jay's picture

I have just read the above and nearly wet myself (i need to do more pelvic floors)I just have to share my experiance, its my first labour and everythings going as well as it can, I've had a cathater I thought it couldnt get any worse,I've got my aromatherapy oils to help relax(as you do with your first labour won't be using them again they did'nt work), we get to the pushing stage and I had been told that it will feel like you are doing a massive shit, well I did, I was so embarssed, I have a stranger wipeing my arse,looking into the depths of my womb & legs a kimbo, have'nt I taken enough for one day without shitting myself, my partner is watching, he's saying don't worry it does'nt smell, what just because I'm in labour he thinks I lost my sence of smell,(men they say the dumdest things) I'm more worried about the shitting and stench that is now wafting around the room, than my daughter being born, next thing I see is the expensive aromatherapy oils being used like airwick room freshen its on the bed & my nightie, the midwife is shoving tissues covered in the stuff up my nose and telling me to push, the lesson here is if you have'nt had a shit for a couple of days and your offered an enema take it. p.s when you see sieve at the side of the birthing pool you now know what its for.

pooverbs32 girl's picture

To PLOPPPLOPPPLOOP: First let me say i have had 2 all natural births and don't know if i pooed for either one. Those midwifes are very descreat. If you don't want to see your wife cut go to a midwife. Americas epesiotomy rates are way high not because were better but because its easyer and quicker for the doctor. Other countries don't do them nearly like we do, {the same thing for c-sectiones but they give you some pain drugs and dont bother to tell you that it can decrease the babys heart rate and when that happens they say looks loke distress let's cut her open.} Or befor she gives birth, if the doctor allows you, do some prieanal massage. Talk to her doctor ask him if he ever does perinal massage or if he could. probably not because it takes TIME. That is use a large amount of olive oil and gentley rub and streach her puss so it doesnt rip. My first child was almost 9 pounds and i had only 2 small tears they fixed w/ one stich. Also its a very tender area so The midwifes make us get a squirt bottle and while peeing the first few days spray at the same time, and a little after to rinse. POOing normal agaiin does take awhile. Went naturall with my second and he was almost ten pounds . I must say the midwife experiance was a great one. It HURT alot but it a positive pain because you get something at the end of the ordeal. Like five christmas mornings all at one time.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The more I read the less I want children. Pooing yourself. Tearing your pussy. Backaches. Cramps. Food cravings. Morning sickness. Mood swings. Bloating. The conception is gross enough, and after all that work, what do you get? A baby! Wow. What a reward. Changing diapers. Up every two hours. Spit-up. Attitude. I am single and loving it.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

laley's picture

How is conception gross?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Well, Laley, I suppose it depends on who you're concieving with.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I FART all the time! And, I am a Woman.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

TSV, I have three kids and did not crap myself. Cramps, backaches, bloating and food cravings happen whether you're pregnant or not, just depends what time of the month it is. As for tearing, that is a bit of temporary down side. They stitch you back up, but the stitches can be itchy. It's really that last thing you think of when you have a beautiful little baby, though... that and when you're doped up on Lortab for pain (also temporary, of course).

Me's picture

I am now horrified. I think I'll get my tubes tied.

FartyPants's picture

So, what happens if you get an enema before birthing your child and you have to fart or something? Do you fart leftover saline out from the enema???

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Fart Poopie, I think it is the baby I am more afraid of than the actual birth or pooping.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Aliza is a dumb ass's picture

oh my gosh girls i feel so sorry 4 u im not aloud to have kids its in my family

L Wrong Hubbard's picture
l 100+ points

Boy am I glad my wife is chronically constipated...
No. 2 (child that is) Due in Jan!

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
http://ppkindustries.blogspot.com

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Lady Buttpain's picture

I had an epidural, so I really couldn't feel what was going on, and I was exhausted. I rememebr asking "Did I poop?" after hours of pushing and everyone said "No, just keep pushing, you're doing a great job honey". I was relieved, especially since they kept saying "Push like you having a bowel movement" and that's what I did. They lied to me because 2 months later my husband told me I did, in fact, poop when I was pushing. Now I mistrust labor nurses and their lying about pooping.

I also had terrible hemmoroids for months before and after giving birth- the worst thing ever. I felt like one of those red-assed baboons. And guess what- nothing really helps.

I was at war with my ass for most of my pregnancy, and for months after. I can relate to the horrors you men have been through with your ass, but we females have it pretty bad when kid-having is concerned.

Dallas's picture

I'm glad that I'm a male that way I won't have to go through all that stuff. I find it painful whenever I have an abnormally large bowel movement, I can't imagine pooping something the size of a baby. My mom always said that men would not be nearly as eager to have sex if they had to go through being pregnant or having a baby afterwards, and after reading some of these stories I definetly see why. Men may be the physically stronger sex but most women are probably a lot tougher.

Doctor's picture

This is some messed up stories. I think women should be forced to take enemas during labor that way they won't be such an embarassment to themselves and disgust everyone else in the delivery room. Delivering a baby is sick enough, we doctors should not have to deal with nasty poop coming out as well. So what you think your in enough pain or stress or whatever already, well tough luck, take the enemas anyway.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I see, TSV. hehe.
Yeah, children are a lot of work, and they change your life completely, but they're worth it. :)

Doctor, I bet you're not even a real doctor, are you? LOL.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I'll tell you how I feel about it next August.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

TSV, are you making an announcement of an impending event, and if so, which event? The act, or the consequence? If so -- and which ever it is -- let me be the first to offer my hearty congratulations.

Logjam

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.