Bringing Out Baby

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I was surprised when I came to PoopReport to see that there were no entries about childbirth pooping. Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

So yes, I too pooped during those final hours of labor. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, what happened to me was far more embarrassing than squeezing out a few doo-doo droppings on my OBGYN.

It was my first baby and I opted for the epidural -- the injection that numbs you from the waist down. And as many of you might know, when you are numb from the waist down, that includes ALL of your muscles. As a result of this numbness, I was unable to control any gas that needed to exit, and ended up ripping LOUD (I mean LOUD) farts left and right. They seemed to be coming every three seconds.

Mind you, I have never been a farter or a Shameless pooper. I've never had any trouble with my bowels; I rarely fart, and I NEVER farted in front of other people -- even my own family and my husband of six years. But on that day it all changed.

I eventually told the nurse I didn't want any guests, and to only disturb me when absolutely needed. I was so embarrassed by my out-of-control gas. I desperately wished I had that fart device depicted on SNL once -- the one that plugs up your ass and makes verbal, robot-like conversation every time you break wind. Instead, I ended up wedging a towel in between my cheeks to muffle the sound. It worked. I lay there, numb as can be, farting in blissful silence, and no one could tell.

I implore everyone here to ask your own mothers about their childbirth stories. I'm sure there are some good ones.

-- MommyPoo

568 Comments on "Bringing Out Baby"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

My mother never shit when she had me or my sister. However, she did eat Cornish game hens before she had each of us. The doctor told her that he delivers most babies in November right after Thanksgiving, so you might have a point.
Maybe a heavy meal pushes the baby out faster or something. My Mom was in labor with my sister for only four hours and it took her only a few minutes to give birth. She was in labor with me for two and took even less time.
I'm not sure if I subscribe to my sister's friend's theory of not eating before delivery or my mother's theory of pigging out the day before.
However, I do know that if anyone griped about me shitting while I was giving birth I'd kick their royal ass!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Amen Sistah's picture

Thank you, Scat. I, Puhleeze, maintain that men are the nastier sex. There is a natural state that the human body is meant to be in (not to say people shouldn't clean themselves) but when women start shaving themselves bald and scrubbing with Lever 2000 and spraying themselves with Lysol, BECAUSE OF WHAT IGNORANT MEN LIKE THE ONES HERE say, it reeks havoc on their genitals, and their natural PH balance thus causing a downward spiral in feminine hygiene. So if any of you men have come across "smelly" women, chances are it's your own damn fault. :P

And if you men were left intact at birth (not circumcised) then that would be *your* natural state, and you would need to follow the same hygiene maintenance that women do.

Puhleeze's picture

Oh, and I agree that any man who is turned off by vaginas is probably out boinking sheep.

Forest Sprite's picture

:-p

Keeryx's picture

Nothing wrong with boinking sheep, people.
Well, actually, there is. Anyway, I skipped the last 15 or so posts by and about that abnoxious CAPS writer, as I have come to believe that many people are just too dumb to be saved.
Anyway, after reading this funny little thread, I have decided to tell my mother I love her and thank her for putting up with all of this for my sake :)
I unselfishly suggest you all do the same *smile*

nunyabizz's picture

i only read about half of the posts here because there are way too many. but i would like to say i have given birth three times and never once pooped during delivery. also, my first delivery was the easiest and he weighed 9lbs 8oz. i never had an episiotomy or a single stitch and everything went back to normal (size of the opening) with no trouble. guess i have been lucky.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

My mom was the same way nunyabizz, except she had one less child. Anyway, I hope I'm just as lucky as both of you because I stupidly told my sister I would be a surrogate mother if she couldn't have children. She's gotten so serious about being a mother that she just might take me up on it.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Peppermint's picture

Did none of you get that 'Steve' was that dickhead Alex's pseudonym? He knows no one else will support him so he had to bring out the personality disorder to help...hmm.

Puhleezze's picture

Peppermint, I don't do much more than a once over when it's all written in caps.

the dao of poo's picture

My God...seemeth to me that some folks don't get the point that...*ahem*...WE'RE ALL HUMAN!!!
Alex/Steve: shut the fuck up. You are an fool, if not, in reality, Michael Jackson, which denies you the privilege of opening your pie-hole in front of your betters.
MommyPoo: don't take any...umm...you know...about telling the truth about childbirth, no matter what certain cretinaceous cysts say...even if they are female. If they can't deal with the fact that humans make messes, smells, and other alleged impolitenesses, they can sew their labia and sphincters shut and store it for a rainy day for all I care.
They are not Elvis, or his duly appointed avatars.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

And even Elvis died on the crapper.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Dawn's picture

LMAO this place is hillarious! I had a c-sec with my daughter so no poop on the dr, of course if I had no big deal, it's all about having the baby right?

MP's picture

Thank you, dao of poo.

Scat Woman's picture

My best friend told me she was worried and embarrassed with her first that it might happened etc and she told me once she was in the throes of hard labor, and after hours of humiliating prodding and exams and total strangers cramming their hands in there to see how dilated she was, as if it didn't hurt her....she changed her mind...she WANTED to get back at them for all she'd endured, lol, and was sad that she only managed to pee, but would have liked to shit all over the table and watch her tormentors have to clean it up.
My mom had a bit of a horror story about her first birth...labor was on and off, no regular pattern and it was hot in the unairconditioned hospital room so they had this woman in the bed next to her where they took all the women who were just at the contractions stage, well, back then they DID give enemas prior to deliver but seemed to have forgotten the lady next to mom....and when she blew....yikes, the stench was overwhelmingly putrid, she had the runs and mom said you could tell the meal had been beans, my mother gagged in preparation to vomiting from the smell, and her stomach violently lurching did the trick...her labor began again and my sib was born! So she had the somewhat unorthodox 'induced birth' but it was induced by another patient's stinky bean diarrhea explosion....poor mom!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Shit induced labor. Ha ha! It's probably better for you than the hormones they inject to do the same. Anyways, I've always wondered if women PEE during childbirth but I guess you answered that question, scat woman.
The horror stories I've heard about births and potty have involved the babies. First there was may sister, who I mentioned somewhere previously peed all over the doctor. Then there was my cousin who pooped while being born and inhaled it. She was born blue and the doctors had to resusitate (did I spell that right) her on the table.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poopieone's picture

Freakazoid..
I have to say, I think both discussions, "baby poop" and "grosser sex" are valid...I can understand what you're saying about the grosser sex debate being a bit off-topic in regard to the title of this forum, but I don't think it should be written off as 'garbage'. I think both are valid discussions.

freakazoid's picture

I see your point, poopieone. We are talking about poop either way.

Holly's picture

I am very much a female.

wassup's picture

Amen 2 dat!

freakazoid's picture

Yeah, I agree. Alex, Steve, who invited the American Taliban into this discussion. Go hump your sheep and leave us alone.

freakazoid's picture

Hey, Dave. Why don't you just put a seperate discussion on this. Men or Women: Who's the Grosser Sex. I know you've got one similar, but it obviously needs to be brought up again.
Anyway, then they wouldn't clog up our baby poop discussion with this garbage.

alex/steve_is_messed_up's picture

A. to all ya women: childbirth is about THE KID! not pooping. So what if you crap while you are having a baby? It's not like pooping while having a baby is going to turn you into a bad person. IT HAPPENS! GEZ! Don't woory about crapping! focus on getting the kid out and let the nurses clean it up.

B. and about the pain, for all you who are afraid to have a kid cuz of the pain. Pain is unavoidable( belive me! a lost and arm in a accident, and had to wait 3 hours before i got medical attention!! your going to have a lot of it in life! SO BITE THE BULLET AND HAVE A KID! GEZ!
C. their is no nastier sex. some men are sick, some women are sick!

jacqueline's picture

Good lord... I agree with The Shit Volcano... The minute someone sticks their finger up my bum is the day I am arrested for assault and battery. Ewww. I can't even imagine being the person who actually would DO that. What is the thought process in that? If that person is ever eating a food or something that y'know, he or she would lick her fingers for, wouldn't that one moment come back to haunt them.. indefinitely? GROSS. But if that's what they want to do. Just stay away from me.

embarrassed girl's picture

Wow. I am laughing my ever-lovin' butt off. This is a hilarious post. I personally am scared to death of pooping during childbirth...I didn't know it ever happened before I read about it here. And I thought just being on the table with male doctors all around would be humiliating. I even hate pap smears and can't get one done unless the dr. dopes me up w/ a tranquilizer. I'm not kidding! I freak out and have a panic attack or cancel my appointment otherwise. I hate them. Oh and moving on to another topic--Alex and Steve (or should I say, Alex, because I know for a fact they are one and the same), thanks a lot for the great self-esteem boost. I really can't believe how hateful you are. I personally have been conditioned over my lifetime to regard the female anatomy as "disgusting", "shameful", or "dirty".. and so I have this complex where I feel like whenever a guy is interested in me, I panic because I am afraid he will think I am "gross" there...even though I am very clean....so thanks for making all these women here feel like crap about themselves...even the ones like me who fastidiously clean themselves and make sure everything is kept sanitary there. I'll tell you something..I have smelled some nasty-ass guys. When a guy is standing five feet away from you and you can smell his filthy reeking crotch wafting up through two or more layers of fabric, it really makes you wonder who the nastier sex is. I know where my vote lies.

zqwerty's picture

It's been a long time since I saw the birth of my daughter in 1972 but I remember that the nurse who delivered the baby put her thumb up my wife's bum each time she pushed and the result was no shitting. This is so obvious and I cannot believe that no-one has said this before. This happened in the middle of Africa, Zambia, in Luansha mine hospital. Don't tell me the medical care was more knowledgeable there and then than now.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The first person to stick his/her finger up my asshole looses it!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

jake's picture

i think it's sexy when a woman poops. Women are human beings to, and knowing a woman can poop also lets me know she is sexual as well. Having a poop while giving birth is the ultimate sighn of being a sexual human, and I find that eartyness so sexy.

When a women poops during labor with on lookers it is very exciting to watch because she is so vulnerable, yet part of her doest care because of the pain of labor. I wish I had birth videos to watch just for that purpose. Does anybody have any good sources?

MP's picture

Yeah, poopingduringlaborishot.com ;-)

(Some people are so strange.)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Ew! You mean someone actually has a site for this?!? That's so fucking sick it's almost funny!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

MP's picture

winky face = joke. :)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Damn!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Turd Burglar's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is WAY, WAY too long. There's no way I'm reading all this crap. I got to ALEX's rant and some reactions before I couldn't take it anymore. Learn to ease off the CAPS, people.

corkus's picture

wow, i love how this turned from meaningful stories of childbirth poop (or the lack there of), to women bashing, and then to men bashing. funny shit.

Poop Monger's picture

Wow. To poop or not to poop, that is the question. Hey, the key to all this is one universal philosophy, one monumental statement, one ringing phrase that should reverberate throughout the PR family..."When you gotta go, you gotta go!" lol

Poopy Pooperton's picture

*I* love how even women resort to gay baiting when people like ALEX And STEVE open their obviously deranged pie-holes and spew. How *dare* they speak poorly of women? They must be FAGS!

At least some of you have the courtesy to infer sheep-banging instead of denigrating an entire demographic. :)

Can we get back to the gross-out?

Miss Jane's picture

I don't have any children of my own, but my mother tells me stories of when she was in labor with me. She too took a hot, steaming sh#t on the doctor. However, it also got all over me and the doctor started freaking out; he didn't want it to get in my lungs.

Senora Lisa's picture

I got to have many conversations with a very informative RN in the months prior to giving birth and have the following to say.
She did warn me that women often do this during labor. It isn't just because of all the pushing: it is because the birth canal and the rectum are parallel to each other. Given the size of the baby's head, it is perfectly conceivable that it puts pressure on the rectum as it is moving down the birth canal. In short, the kid's big head squeezes down on your rectum, much like a tube of toothpaste. (By the way, have you flossed today?)
Also, I read some comments on episiotomies (sp?) and this is what they are for: should the vaginal opening fail to stretch wide enough to allow the head to pass, it will tear open. There will be a raw, ragged tear between your vagina and rectum that will not only require stitches anyway, but will also take longer to heal and cause you far more pain. If your doctor feels you may be one of these people, she will numb the area and make a small incision to prevent this from happening. It should be closed up with the dissolving kind of stitches, and it will heal much faster than an actual tear. If you're not at risk for tears, the doctor has no reason to snip you. If you are, choose less pain and discomfort over more.
And a last comment: though Alex left awhile ago, I think it's worthy to mention that if a woman becomes too vigorous with her hygiene (wiping the area too hard with toilet paper, using douches/cleansers), she may become afflicted with yeast infections and/or hemmhoroids, things that are sure to offend germophobic types like Alex. Anyone who has a problem with the human body's natural and necessary secretions should be advised not to actively look for sites with names like PoopReport.com.
That is all.

Kasreyn's picture

Quick notes:

First off, to The Shit Volcano, Occam's Razor dictates a much simpler reason for more babies born in November: more fucking going on in march. :-P

Secondly, I'm torn. (ouch... BAD pun -_-;;) I love my girlfriend very much. Should I send her this link to warn her, or would I be hosing my chances at fatherhood? Not that I'm so keen on fatherhood anyway, and I know she's really uninterested in being a mother. This would probably torpedo it for keeps, though. :-P

And to the men bashers and women bashers: men have dick smell and skid marks, women have cunt smell and menstruation "accidents". And both parties' shit stinks. I think mother nature was pretty fair in handing out equal helpings of indignity and humiliation to each gender.

So, oh well. Guess it's the vasectomy for me. (Less invasive/dangerous than hysterectomy, and I am NOT using condoms for my entire life, thank you very much)

-Kasreyn

Anyone who really, REALLY wants to reach me might find me on AIM if you prefix various feudal titles to my name. Feces fetishists and other weirdos will be blocked.

Poo Flinger McGee's picture

I'm glad I reproduce Asexually...

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I think you've got a point, Kasreyn. What else is there to do in March? Everything's snowed in and it's too wet to still be skiing.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Shelly's picture

Sorry, Senora Lisa, but some of that is most definitely misinformation. Not only do most women (about three-quarters) *not* tear in giving birth, but a natural tear will almost always (infections and other variables aside) heal more quickly than an episiotomy. The sad fact of the matter is that hospital staff like to use them to move delivery along as quickly as possible--and hello, labor and delivery are not designed to be quick and easy! Also, episiotomies often *result* in tearing, when a women might normally not have torn at all, and the tearing tends to be much worse, as the cut is a smooth, straight line. Even if a women *does* tear (which she probably won't), a ragged tear does not continue to rip as easily as an episiotomy. Oh, yeah, and unless you're talking about something like a third- or fourth-degree tear, mom doesn't need those stitches, either. Just wanted to clarify a few things. ;-)

Davey's picture

I can't tell you this is true, because i wasn't there, but growing up my best friend's dad delivered babies.

He used to work at the city hospital in Charleston, SC. They did a lot of charity work for people who were too poor to have a doctor.

So, anyway, one young woman came in in labor and she pooped when she was delivering. Only besides pooping out poop, she was infested with worms -- this used to be a huge problem in the low country -- and she pooped out either a big worm, or a bunch of worms. I forget exactly because that was the early 60s and it's been awhile, but whatever it was, it sickened a couple of the nurses, and my friend's dad said he had to leave the delivery room for a moment. He'd never seen that before!

It took me a long time to get over that story.

Paula's picture

Phew. After reading all that lot, I'm glad I had to have caesarians for all my births! HA HA!
(I just hope you don't poo yourself when you're under anaesthetic).

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Aw man, Davey! That was gross! If pooping wasn't bad enough! Ew ew ew ew!!!!! I think I would have had to leave the delivery room too.
I'll have to tell that story to my sister... while she's eating spagetti.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

pooparoo's picture

the poop fairies! ha!

blabbah's picture

To Valerie who said "He told me that he still has horrific memories of watching his mom give birth and pooping and I don't know how I could EVER have him be in the delivery room"

If your boyfriend can't stand to be in the delivery room, I suggest you don't allow him to be present at the conception either.

just me's picture

As far as I know, I have never had anything "slip out" during labor with either of my kids, but once again, it could be that the docs/nurses were just discreet. I'm due for #3 in May and hubby and I have already discussed this. He is not to tell me if I do. I would rather remain blissfully ignorant. I'm hoping for a quick easy delivery. My first took 20 hours, but my second only took 7 from first contraction to birth. Hoping for a similar reduction in labor time... : )

A chick's picture

I am 15 and had my first kid at 14 she is 4 months now and the cutest thing i have ever seen! anyway...when i gave birth i started laughing cause i started shitting through all the pain i still laugh soo hard about shitting....funny funny stuff....even though i was 14 i dont regret any minute of it cause i have full custody and it is soo awesome...

Morticia's picture

When I was in the hospital having my daughter it ended up being an emergency c-section.
You are all, of course, familiar with the operation. That's where they cut the mom-to-be open from hipbone to hipbone WHILE SHE IS AWAKE(!) and set aside the innards to RIP the babysack out and SLICE it open to get the baby out.
Being as I grunted for 18 hours straight to no avail, I was extremely happy at the time that I didn't have to pass THAT thing through the birth canal, let me tell you.
So anyway, it is major stomach surgery and you can't leave the hospital till you can take a dump first and actually SHOW it to a nurse to prove you did it. I didn't eat for 5 days afterward and hadn't shat during that whole time and what with the painkillers with CODEINE in them I was stopped up tighter than Noah's Ark at high tide.
I BEGGED the other mothers in my room to SELL me 'their' shit, to no avail as they thought I was KIDDING~ the bitches ~so I had no evidence to show the nurses and was stuck at the hospital till my asshole was forthcoming. Finally at 5:am one morning, I went into the bathroom for a pee when I came up with a Brilliant Plan. I came out and proceeded to loudly proclaim to everyone in
my room that I had shat and to get over here as my witnesses. As I suspeced, nobody would get out of their comfy beds at that hour so I just 'flushed' the imaginary shit away and used and abused them for witnesses anyway, and I was set free.
A day later, I am at home in the bathroom clutching a pillow so that I won

catastrophe waitress's picture

not having birthed no babies i can't say i've shat during childbirth, but my mum was just telling me the other day about one of the other midwives going to buy sieves from the pound shop -- to fish out turds that women pushed into their birthing pool and stop them from circling round! manky, anyway after i saw this i quizzed her about it and she said not that many women do it, she said about twenty percent or something like that. i asked her if she had, and she said no, but she pushed out a whole bunch of piles, which is lovely...

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