Bringing Out Baby

// // 568 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I was surprised when I came to PoopReport to see that there were no entries about childbirth pooping. Every mom knows that when you push that hard for that long, your bowels will empty in front of your husband, your mother, your doctor, your nurses, etc. If you're not comfortable pooping in front of someone, don't invite them to your birth.

So yes, I too pooped during those final hours of labor. But that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, what happened to me was far more embarrassing than squeezing out a few doo-doo droppings on my OBGYN.

It was my first baby and I opted for the epidural -- the injection that numbs you from the waist down. And as many of you might know, when you are numb from the waist down, that includes ALL of your muscles. As a result of this numbness, I was unable to control any gas that needed to exit, and ended up ripping LOUD (I mean LOUD) farts left and right. They seemed to be coming every three seconds.

Mind you, I have never been a farter or a Shameless pooper. I've never had any trouble with my bowels; I rarely fart, and I NEVER farted in front of other people -- even my own family and my husband of six years. But on that day it all changed.

I eventually told the nurse I didn't want any guests, and to only disturb me when absolutely needed. I was so embarrassed by my out-of-control gas. I desperately wished I had that fart device depicted on SNL once -- the one that plugs up your ass and makes verbal, robot-like conversation every time you break wind. Instead, I ended up wedging a towel in between my cheeks to muffle the sound. It worked. I lay there, numb as can be, farting in blissful silence, and no one could tell.

I implore everyone here to ask your own mothers about their childbirth stories. I'm sure there are some good ones.

-- MommyPoo

568 Comments on "Bringing Out Baby"

Forest sprite's picture

Okay, now i know I'm DEFINATELY not having any kids. To much pain and humiliation.

eww's picture

WHY WAS MY COMMENT ABOUT FARTING AT THE GYNO DELETED

blind eel's picture

This is the funniest thing Ive ever read. I think I shat on myself when I read the Blatz beer, cashew nuts and a cigarette comment. If anyone has young kids who have a story to share regarding enemas, I would sure appreciate hearing them. Just so I know Im not alone in the battle of "CONTROL" with a 4 year old boy.

good stuff's picture

too much to read!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

forest sprite's picture

I don't know ,anonymous But i'd loveto hear that story. :)

no one's picture

Probably cause all caps is considered shouting.

daisy's picture

I have to say for as many of you who have "slipped" on the delivery table there are just as many of us who haven't. I have had 2 deliveries and no poop and am hoping that my third will go the same. My first sons heart rate crashed and he had to be vacuum extracted out, the last thing on my mind was worrying if I was going to poop or not. It is a natural act and labor basically feels like you are taking a 10 pound poo any ways. To those of you who have be proud you have a beautiful baby and that your not one of the people that thinks they may never have a child because it might hurt or someone might see a "secret" part of them. Besides in the end its just poop!

Forest Sprite's picture

You know why some women poop on the operatingtable? becuse A. they haven't ahd an enema B. they probably ate alot before going into labor.

geez's picture

good job, forest sprite, you are very quick witted arent you? Some of us have already picked up that info by reading what others have to say. Duh!

Babs_Elliott's picture

This makes me understand why men used to not be allowed in the delivery room when women are in labor. It saves women a lot of humiliation! I'm glad I know about this horrible phenomenon so that if I have a baby my husband will be nowhere in sight!

Forest Sprite's picture

:p

Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

That is so funny.

Forest Sprite's picture

mabye to you guys, who are SO lucky that you don't have to go through all that emotionally and physically and not to mention humiliating (duhhh!) painfull expierience. . . .what the fuck are we talking about now? Pooping on the op[erating table, or how fucking retarted I am? ROFL

Valerie's picture

So.... scared.... My boyfriend and I want to have a baby eventually once we're married and all, and we've actually talked about this. He told me that he still has horrific memories of watching his mom give birth and pooping and I don't know how I could EVER have him be in the delivery room watching me poop. This is so dissapointing to me... I can't imagine having people you don't know watching poop come out of you. Does anyone have any actual statistics on this?? HOW MORTIFYING.

Forest Sprite's picture

You know, as mortifiying it might be, you should remember that all the humiliating and pain you might go through in labor will be worht it once you have your babys smiles at your for the first time.
and if it isn't then, well.... I don't know. LMAO!!

nevaehrae's picture

when i was in labor, and pushing, at that time i really didnt care what happened! I wanted the pain to go away. I cant say i had the fart problem though...(thank god), but yeah with the stitches....thank god for enema's! I dont think i would have gone with out one!

Thankful Male's picture

I'm not going to tell my girlfriend about the stuff I've just read. All this just confirms my belief that women are indeed millions times stronger than males - I personally would be asking to be put into a coma when it comes to labour and recovery.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

If you think of great leaders through history and think they're so high and mighty, just imagine them taking a shit.
Anyway, if you don't shit or piss on the table the baby will fill in for you. Immediately after my sister was born she peed on the doctor.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Forest Sprite's picture

Piss, shit and vomit are jsut oe of the reason why id idn't choose being a docotor or nurse as a profession, but then ... I can't. My ADHD disables me from t hat type of work, but then again, my ADHD'S why i don't have a job and broke. lmao

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

ADHD. You're talking to a dyslexic with a tiny attention span. Become a film maker. That's what I did. Anyway, then you can film all the piss, shit, and vomit and make some other poor sap clean it up. Just say, "Hey, this is an expensive piece of equipment. I don't want to get it dirty."

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Forest Sprite's picture

You know what I made up this movie poster, called "I Have To Poop" It was based on a fake movie I made up, where all these famous celebrities just say that they have to poop. :p If anyone wants to see it, send me an email.

Kristi's picture

With my first child, I pooped alot. I was so embarrassed because I saw the nurse taking paper towels and picking up the turds. Plus it stunk bad..lol. With my second child, there was no poop. Thank goodness!!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

My sister's best friend didn't eat anything for three days before her first child's due date because she was afraid of pooping.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Jen's picture

i have two kids. pooped right before labor started with both of them. with #1, i had no drugs but i did have iv fluids. so i was peeing everytime i pushed. but i didnt care. as long as that baby came out healthy. with #2 i had a c-section so i had a spinal. i farted a few times but there was no poop. and i had a catheter so my pee went right in a bag. instead of thinking about this, how about the nurses who clean women after birth....all the blood and clots coming out...that was embarrassing. when you are in the throws of childbirth you dont think about who you are pissing and shitting on. but after when the baby is born and you are alone with your baby in a nice quiet room....you are a normal modest person again. and in comes this nurse to spread your legs and wipe away all the blood pouring out of you, check stitiches, incision site.....that was worse than anything else.

Puhleeze's picture

Um Alex...you couldn't be more wrong. Men are by far the nastier sex -- we know that from the stories here. My sympathies go out to your future wife. If you ever get one.

Holly's picture

I think it is called "biology" that the female "genetalia" (Thank you, Puhleeze, for pointing out his sad spelling skills, on top of of Neanderthal mentality) opening is larger than the male GENITALIA opening. I suppose that if the female genitalia opening were smaller (and less stinky) than the male genitalia opening, then Alex, and all men, would have to find solace in poking the old arse.

Forest Sprite's picture

OMG You two are SOOO ignorant of the women's anatomy! lo;l Pop coems out of atheir anusses liek men do or any other licing creature does! Where the hell did you heart that shit from??

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, and it sticks around for eighteen years!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Forest Sprite's picture

I agree with that. Ok here's a question: Why can't men fully wipe their asses until their asses are clean? RThat way there wouldn't be any damn skid marks on they're underwear! I mean I've been knwon to leave a few skidmarks in my undies back i nthe days, but come on, i was a kid then! Men that are fully grown should hve enough common sense to fully wipe themselves.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Haven't gotten any for a while, have you Alex?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Puhleeze's picture

Maybe you need to take Sex Ed again, Alex? Maybe nasty skanks are all you can get, but the "unclean" female factor is mostly a myth --something contrived in order to get women to buy douche and FDS spray.

OTOH, I've heard guys talk about "cheesy balls" and "ass-hair-dingleberries." Who is the grosser sex again?

P.S. Learn how to spell. And the caps button is to your left.

Have a nice day.

Dirt Star's picture

Great stories! After all that I think I will definately be having a C-Section!

Censor's picture

Censorship sucks.

Scat Woman's picture

Yes Alex...you large festering boil on the bum of society. For your information, ignoramus, how individual people smell is dependent on how rigorous a hygiene they practice on all their body parts. Also, unless you didn't know, part of the human arousal process is through the medium of scent - certain natural scents, not stinks, like the scent of genitals for example, is actually part of the arousal mechanism. Although you clear hatred of women tells what it is that you actually probably poke (hint, it goes baaaa), when you can yank your crusty skidmarked boxers down. If it weren't for the "blob week" you would not be here would you, or if some much to be pitied lady didn't graciously squeeze your creepy little alien self out of her, oh no permit me to quote your lovely poetic passage, I coudn't do it justice with my poor prose: AFTER A BIRTH OR START AN AFFAIR ITS BAD ENOUGH HAVING TO SUFFER A GIRL WITH A VERY SMELLY VAGINA LET ALONE BREATHING IN THE FUMES OF HER URINE FROM HER STAINED KNICKERS AND FISHY SMELLING FLAPS LET ALONE SEEING CRAP COME OUT OF HER ASS AND HAVING TO SNIFF HER CABBAGE MEATY SMELLING FARTS LIKE GONE OFF EGGS A CLEAN GIRL IS EVERY MANS DESIRE NOT SOME SLOB PUSHING AND PUSHING UNTILL BROWN POO POO COMES OUT OF HER ASSHOLE" well there was more to your distempered rant but that suffices. I'm not sure if in this case you we're correct though, the case of your own birth, perhaps that is what gave rise to wonderful odorless perfect hominid that you are, a tide of 'BROWN POO POO'. Put this thought in your little mind and sleep on it - I have smelled enough urine scented mens undies and the reeky members that emerged from them to form an accurate picture of just how clean and fresh most of you men probably are - and these were all clean cut upper class men - and I am not saying they are gross dirty as you would, it is merely what happens after a day in the same undergarment and several trips to the loo - go ahead, pull your own undies down at the end of the day and check, I dare you. Also, "Einstein", did you never learn that human urine is sterile when it leaves the body? In case you don't understand the term "sterile", in this sense it means "free of germs". So why don't you crawl back in your cave and reflect on how you owe your existence to the fact that women have the courage to endure men and their smelly appendages, which frankly, aren't all that pleasing and make disgusting smelly messes when they erupt, and to become pregnant, suffer all manner of discomforts, risks to their health etc and also have the tremendous courage to face not only the risks and dangers of childbirth (women still do die in childbirth for your information) but to endure the countless humiliations and disgusting things which must happen during the process, because it cannot be helped. And all you useless men do (those of you who make a big 'brave' show) of showing up for the birth, is hold the hand and do that stupid coaching with the breathing and massaging and other assorted things, none of which alleviate the terrible pain nor help with the embarrassing things like not being able to prevent oneself from loosing bowels in full view of an audience. Try to imagine how humiliating that would feel, you self absorbed creep. People, both men and women, who love each other and who have the courage to unite their body parts and start life (yes, those things you have so viciously and nastily described)and see it through to it's very trying and sometimes traumatic end deserve respect and admiration, not your exceedingly immature badly formulated verbal diarrhea.

Steve's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

WELL JUST SEE WHAT PULEEZE AND FOREST SPRITE SAID ABOUT MEN BEING THE NASTIER SEX WHEN IT COMES TO PERSONAL HYGENE WELL BULLSHIT I AM AFFRAID MEN HAVE A LESSER AREA TO BE KEPT CLEAN WHEN A MAN LIKE ME TAKES A SQUIRT I USE TISSUE TO WIPE MYSELF CLEAN YOU PULL THE SKIN BACK A LITTLE A WIPE OK FAIR ENOUGH
BUT GIRLS HAVE A FAIRLY LARGE AREA CREATING MORE RESPONSIBILITY TO MAINTAIN HYGENE AND AT LEAST WE HAVE A BALLBAG TO SEPARATE OUR ASSES FROM OUR PENISES ALL ENCLOSED BY SKIN YOU WOMEN HAVE ABOUT AN INCH FROM ONE ORIFICE TO ANOTHER BOTH OF WHICH ARE FAIRLY OPEN SO WHEN A GIRL TAKES A SQUIRT SHE HAS TO MOP UP A MUCH LARGER AREA CONSIDERING HER URINATING FACILITY IS NEXT TO THE CLITORUS AND A COUPLE OF INCHES DOWN IS HER ANUS SO OK ALEX YOU WAS A BIT TO THE POINT BUT I CAN CLEARLY SEE YR POINT YOU WAS MAKING BUT IT IS THE SAME OLD THING THAT A LARGE VOLUME OF FEMALES DO THINK THAT THEIR SHIT DONT STINK BUT SORRY GIRLS IT DOES!!!! AND AS FOR THE SKIDMARK THING WOMEN DO!! WEAR THEIR PANTIES SO CLOSE TO THEIR ASSES AND YES WOMEN DO HAVE ASS HAIRS AND YES THEY DO SHIT=SKIDMARKS SORRY GIRLS JUST OWN UP TO THE FACT THEN! YOU WILL NOT GET RIDICULED GIRLS WILL DEFEND THIS FEMALE HYGENE HONOUR BECAUSE ALL WOMEN LIKE TO BE FANCIED BY MEN BUT THE THOUGH OF A SMELLY FINGER AS ALEX PUTS IT THAT CAN BE A TRUE TO THE FACT THING I THINK IT IS CALLED AND SPELT OESTROGEN THIS DOES IN MEDICAL TERMS SMELL JUST LIKE FISH BUT IF A WOMEN DOES NOT WIPE HARD ENOUGH THE SMELL OF URINE CAN ALSO SMELL THE SAME!!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, Fred was right. Shit does come out the vagina. Or at least it did once, and it was named Alex.
Why don't you just admit you like boys and stop wasting your energy ranting here. We are all very amused at your insane babbling but it is time to move on.
And if boys don't work, try your hand. It's always there for a date, as I'm sure you well know. Most 13-year-olds do.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

By the way Steve. You and Alex should get together sometime. At least you'd have something to poke.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Mrs. Clean's picture

You guys crack me up! To Alex, the obvious genius of the crowd, COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!!!!!!!! It is clear why you like to read poop stories. Just take it in the pooper and relax. Everybody's doing it!!! Us woman have no room for all the anal obsessed men, so be true to your kind and become the pooper-scooper you are longing to be!!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Alex is just upset because the doctor botched his circumcision.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Andy's picture

I feel for what you women go through. Someone has to do it and I doubt if any of us guys was up to the job. However if I did have I child I would say the less people in the room with me the better.
As for Alex and Steve, exactly what grade are you in. If bodily odor bothers you this much, take your damn foreplay into the shower. That is how a REAL man would handle the situation. Not run and hide with my tail between my legs.
Let me add that more mature couples don't always rush into the house, rip off our clothes, and jump into bed. We like to take it slow, maybe even spruce up before "the big bang". If cold, mechanical sex is all you want from a relationship then so be it. But I pity you both, Steve and Alex. May you find happiness (and maturity) someday.

ANDY's picture

My futher addition to this total nonsence is yes those to morons are immature about these facts. However i too do disagree about the previuos comments about men being the nastier sex. Although i am not completely on Alex and Steves side. But some of you girls do show not a lot of respect for yrselves either, you do intend to show a lack of respect for yrselves ,which in return fires the likes of Steve and Alex up for their past comments. And as for the shit volcano what a waste of human life that person is. however i do intend to hold my views back from that character as their name quite clearly stands out for their characteristics. Esp the comment about 13 yr olds makes the mind baffle a bit, to a point of under-handedness.

MICK's picture

Oh by the way folks HOLLY is not a female nor is FOREST SPRITE so before you guys start or get cussing here on this website REMEMBER THIS OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

freakazoid's picture

To everyone in this discussion. Who gives a damn?!?

Autumn's picture

This is pretty funny talking about poop and all that kinda crap. I just have one thing to say...i think we should start a poop discussion about going to a doctor for weight issues, and you had diarrhea before. It happened to me once and i lost a total of 2 pounds from that.

What a load of crap!!!!

Scat Woman's picture

Shit Volcano...i like your posts esp the ones from the 18th. And you're right - you have your clean people and not so clean people, and only a less than nice person would not have the consideration to freshen up prior to any amorous activities and make it more enjoyable for both parties.
One last comment for "Steve-I-can't-figure-out-how-to-release-the-caps-lock-key" - the word is spelled CLITORIS, in case I can help you get a better mark in a school paper or something...and I'll share a girly secret with you, okay? Our mommies teach us to wipe towards the back, not front, when wiping the anus, okay? Not sure which direction you nice men wipe in, do you leave a trail on your hairy sack or?
And for you "Alex" (same caps lock key issue) - the 'name' Scat Woman is a witticism, a pun on the term Cat Woman - something the educated amongst us might choose to call a 'nom de plume' - you will need to consult a dictionary, mon petit tas de merde. Ca se trouve a www.dictionary.com Ciao and do give those dear sheep and goats a break...hmmmmmm

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

The conversation continues freakazoid. Since Dave deleted my comment before you could read it he must be more interested than you. So the war continues.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

By the way Andy. Touchee. Someone is actually reading this drivel. By the way, about the thirteen-year-olds, it takes a deep thinker to figure it out which is hard when you, yourself, are in junior high like the rest of the ball-groping knuckle-draggers above.
Keep em coming! This is fun!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Forest Sprite's picture

Ok, I;d like to know why all the men suddenly think that I think i'ms so holly, jsut because i stated MY opinion., What ever happened to free speech? Does that also have to go down the toilet on poopreport.,com? It's bad enough that politics won't give us free speech but on Poopreport, COME ON!!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

If guys can talk about their poop experiences then so can women. It just so happens that some of those experiences involve giving birth at the same time. I don't hear any girls complaining about the guys on this site who shit their pants.
Don't fret, Forest Sprite. These few guys listed above just can't take SOMEONE ELSE'S opinion. Tough shit, guys! If you can't take the heat then get off this site!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

LET SHIT HAPPEN's picture

DO NOT SCALE BACK ON THE EATS PRIOR TO LABOR, JUST BECAUSE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO "GO WITH THE FLOW" DURING DELIVERY..I HAVE HAD 5 SUSCCESSFUL DELIVERIES AND FOR EVERYONE, THE BEST LABOUR INDUCTION WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE EACH ONE, MY HUSBAND AND I ATE OUT AT ONE OF THOSE SMORSGABORG(sorry bout spellin)RESTRAUNTS.. I ATE WHATEVER HIT THE SPOT, AND BY THE FOLLOWING MORNING WAS THE FIRST OF THE NIGHT BEFORE HITTING THE POT, THEN IT WAS OFF TO THE HOSPITAL TO AS THE HUGE BM WOULD TRIGGER THE LABOUR.. THE REST OF THE BM WOULD BE BACKED UP BEHIND THE KID AND THE RESULTING MOTIONS OF THE BM SHOVING ON THROUGH , I BELIEVE MADE FOR A FASTER DELIVERY.. INTO EVERY LIFE A LITTLE SHIT MUST FALL.. LET IT WORK FOR YOU..I WOULD BE WILLING TO BET THAT MANY A LOOOONNNNNGGGG DELIVERY COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED IF THE MOMS WOULD HAVE JUST "LET LOOSE, AND LET SHIT HAPPEN"

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