The Drought-Emergency Responsibilities Of The Valiant PoopReporter

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

There's a drought here in New York City and most of the Northeast. Thanks for the
global warming, Johnny S.U.V.

Mayor Bloomberg is urging all New Yorkers to cut their water consumption. Restaurants,
for instance, are no longer allowed to serve water unless the patron asks. Decorative
fountains across the city have been turned off. And any building fire has to have
consumed at least three sweatshops before the Fire Department is allowed to use water
to put it out.

What Central Park will look like in August.

Although the government has cut water consumption in the public sector, one of the
biggest sources of water waste comes in one of the few places the government can't
control us (unless John Ashcroft gets his way): the bathroom.

NYC Dept. of Environmental Protection statistics show that people use an average of 45
gallons a day in the bathroom. Facing the specter of debilitating drought, such
bathroom use borders on catastrophic.

It is in times of crisis when greatness is made. PoopReporters, this is our moment.
We must accept that our hallowed sanctuary is contributing to the ills of the world...
and we must be brave enough to change our habits. This is our time to stand up, hold
our heads high, and lead the charge in tackling this crisis.

PoopReporters, our responsibility is clear: during this emergency, it is the duty of
each and every one of us to set the proper example and curtail bathroom water use. No
longer can we crap with impunity, wipe with narcissistic indifference, or flush with
lackadaisical disregard. We must act as models of responsibility during this time.

We are the shiterati -- the world is looking to us.


For the duration of the drought, all superfluous bathroom water use is out. No
flushing of bugs or goldfish or used Kleenex... and, to our collective chagrin, no use of
the buttsink.

For me, this is the most difficult sacrifice. The buttsink is one of PoopReport's most
important causes
. According to official PoopReport canon, nothing punctuates a good
crap like a glorious blast of warm water right up your still-quivering anus.

But our buttsink habits are wasteful -- a gallon per use, at least. Society can't
afford that. Unless you hold a cup under your buttwater and save your assrunoff for
use in your garden or to soak your pots and pans, your buttsink is out.

Friends, no one said it would be easy.


We are still undecided as to whether the courtesy flush is even useful. Some argue
that it is the quintessence of civility -- by flushing in the middle of a shit, you are
preventing noxious odor from permeating the bathroom and beyond. Others argue that it's
completely futile -- bathroom odor is gas that comes out during the shit, and the
presence of the shit itself is ancillary to the smell.

Regardless of its efficacy, the courtesy flush is out. It is more important to save
water than to worry about the noses of the people around you.

CAVEAT: On a particularly large, smelly shit, the courtesy flush might still be
necessary. Older toilets and low-flow toilets don't handle large loads very well, and
will clog or require multiple flushings to fully evacuate. Use your discretion,
PoopReporters -- if you fear a clogging from your astonishing ass-aptitude, use the
courtesy flush to prevent any blockage that may require excess flushing.


This one is easy and non-controversial. Fill a plastic soda bottle with water (or
weight it down somehow) and stick it in your tank. It will make it so you need less
water to fill up your tank, and thus use less water every time you flush. However,
just like reducing your courtesy flushing, this technique comes with the danger that extra-copious amounts of crap may require extra flushing. Again, use your discretion.


Effective water conservation is about balancing your wants against society's needs. I
want a long hot shower. I want to wash my bike. I want to participate in that wet
t-shirt contest. But will the sight of my glistening, masculine chest benefit society
more than the gallons of water used in the process? (Certainly yes... but the sight of my
Herculean pecs will cause so many girls to pee their pants that the water needed to
wash the floor will far exceed the societal benefit of my services.)

A similar balancing act must be made between the needs of society and the needs of your
household. I have a rule: "If You Can't See The Pee, Let It Be." It's a terrible
rhyme, but it underscores my point: if my urine doesn't turn the water yellow, I'm not
flushing. No one knows but me, and 1.5 GPF is saved.


There is no reason to flush high-traffic public urinals. As long as you're confident
that someone else will be peeing in the urinal some point soon after you do, you can
leave it unflushed. The next person will flush yours and theirs, and water will be

It must be pointed out that the goals of Directives 4 and 5 are not to abandon flushing
completely, but simply to piggyback on someone else's flush. Do not interpret this
article as advice to forego the flush, for that will lead to two terrible calamities:
disease, and dishonor.

Human waste is a public health menace. Waste is a major carrier of disease, and our
public sewage system is designed to ensure sanitary waste disposal. By not flushing --
solid waste especially --you are creating a potentially dangerous condition.

But much, much more important than public health is the very sanctity of the bathroom.
To a PoopReporter, the bathroom is more than a place to go to the bathroom -- it is a
place of contemplation and solitude, a place to take enjoyment and pleasure from the
human body. No one can take a good crap in a nasty, unflushed bathroom. A good
PoopReporter always leaves the bathroom as clean as he or she found it -- so the next
user gets as much out of it as the previous one did.


Tenets 1 through 5 are techniques for the individual to reduce bathroom water
consumption. However, a collective of like-minded PoopReporters can accomplish more in
terms of water-savings than an individual could ever hope.

From doubling up on flushes ("Hey guys, I'm about to flush, anyone want to get in on
this?") to alternating flushing responsibilities during the morning bathroom rush-hour,
the potential for water savings is enormous. I implore every PoopReporter to gather
their household and come up with strategies. Please share them with us when you do --
the more creative ideas we all come up with, the more society will benefit.

PoopReporters, these are the times that will define us. If we don't take the lead in
advocating responsible bathroom habits, we will all suffer. Never before has the
burden of the PoopReporter been so great -- and the responsibility of the PoopReporter
been so clear.

-- Dave

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!

29 Comments on "The Drought-Emergency Responsibilities Of The Valiant PoopReporter"

Skiddy Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I've been hearing about the water problem in NY for quite a while. Glad to hear city fountains have been turned off (for now). I think that this piece exemplifies what we could be doing everywhere. I never heard of the tank water displacement technique and I think I will try that.

I find the pictures of children playing with fire hydrants in the streets of NYC to be such a mark of the NY culture. Too bad I won't see it this year. There will be many more opportunities in the future.

Mike Martin's picture


Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

anyway It's a great site and I love visiting. And by the way if the globe was warming the Ice caps would melt and NY would be underwater. .. not in a drought.

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I'd be glad to share some of the rain we've been getting in the midwest with NYC. It's rained off and on (mostly on) here for almost two straight weeks.

Trashcanman's picture
l 100+ points

in Phoenix, they're is a saying that the water dept passes around. "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." Here in SE Florida all droughts are solved by the big thing called the "ocean" to supply water for things like fountains, fires, etc.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

I live in PA, which is also affected by the drought, so I am as concerned as Dave, but one thing I have to oppose is not flushing after pissing. If there's a line, I agree that only the last person really needs to flush. But if one person pisses, leaves it sit for hours, and makes a habit out of that, the acid in the piss will crystallize in the pipes and cause a horrendous blockage. I didn't put much stock in that myself until I lost plumbing in my house for a week partially due to that. Man it sucks having to piss in a bucket and holding in shit until I got to work and the nearest public restroom being a 10 minute drive. Maybe I'm selfish and not eco-friendly for this, but I care more about the comfort of my ass than the well-being of society.

Pooper's picture

Actually Mike, I do know the correct saying, but I am in the middle of law school finals and have not slept well for weeks, so my writing is not so great. It's affecting more than just my writing ability, as my pooping is off schedule and I have to wipe a lot more than usual, due to all the coffee and late night fast food. Stress makes your poop smell worse, too, I have found. The worst part is the unpredictability, I will be studying at the coffee house and all of a sudden be hit with the sudden demanding urge to poop NOW. In any case, we've got excess water in eastern Iowa, so if you need some feel free to visit.

new guy's picture

as far as not flushing clear pee goes, here's a suggestion for the men out there (and the women who have one of those funnel thingies): i had a roommate in college who started a compost heap in the back yard. he would pee into gallon jugs and then pour the contents onto the heap. he claimed all the acidy goodness would "really get the compost going", or something like that. well, even without a compost heap, you could fill the jug even HALF full, then dump and flush. that saves a huge amount of water and more importantly, it's FUN!

the downside to this can be awful, though. after a while, the smell becomes unbearable. the displacement of the gas in the jug goes straight up into your face while you're peeing and the loss of concentration cause you to dribble or even pass out.

anyway, just a suggestion.

Pooper's picture

I would think that you'd be OK to let clear pee stand. And the old trick of adding a brick or a pop bottle to the toilet tank works great, you can save a pint of water with each flush without hurting the toilet's effectiveness. If worst comes to worst, come visit us in Iowa, we have all the rain you need to flush every time, and since the state has a budget crisis, we'll gladly take your money, too! Maybe we should just set up a bunch of pay toilets at all the airports so people from the drought-affected states can flush their crap.

Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The saying is "if WORSE comes to WORST" How can worst come to worst? Oh. . . . .I see . ae from Iowa.

IOWA SUCKS's picture

You know what they say about Iowa...

IOWA = I Owe the World an Apology

wait, even better....

IOWA = Idiots Out Walking Around

Pooper's picture

Now, let's play nice. This is a website about poop, which brings us together! Who cares what State it comes from? (you are right though...I'm not from here and will leave once school is done!)

Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Sorry Pooper. . .I'm an english major . . . misplaces cliche' really gets my otter . . ..I MEAN GOAT!

Mike's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Russell's picture

I've got another novel water-saving idea: Hold it. Instead of going to the bathroom, say, four times a day on average, hold everything in your bowels until the last possible moment, then go. If you do that, you probably won't need to go more than twice--thrice, tops--per day. Sure, you might experience a bit of discomfort, but isn't it worth it to save the world's fresh water supply?

carolyn g's picture

i remember back in highschool my girlfriens's dad used to keep this sign he made over all of their toilets "if it is brown flush it down, if it's yellow let it mellow" the trauma of walking in and seeing countless wads of toilet paper swirling in 10 people's piss will stay with me forever. sorry, dave i flush. and sometimes i curtisy flush too.

pooplopper's picture

If I had know about your prob sooner I could have shipped you the 2000 gal or so of water I had standing all over my lawn.

brown streak's picture

I think they put in the air dryers because they potentially save money since they don't have to buy paper towels and pick up the towels littering the floor. That seems to be why they are always found in places like McDonalds. I can't ever remember seeing them at a place like the lobby washrooms in an expensive hotel.

Che Guanovara's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

If it's yellow, be a good fellow (and don't flush)

If it's brown or red, go ahead (and flush)

Jessica's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm going to try this stuff, now that they are genetically modifying our food, who knows what we are really eating!!!!

me big cheese's picture

If the Icecap melts,you won't drown.Frozen Water(Ice)expands,so when it melts the Volume decreases,got it??

If this Moron Humanity would quit breeding like Rats,we'd have all the Water we need!!

slim jim junkie's picture

As I say sometimes If its yellow let it mellow, if its brown, flush it down

Duan Sanderson's picture

My father Dilworth Sanderson has invented a toilet to solve all these problems it is an engineering feat because it can flush as little as 1 quart of water as opposed to the 1.6 gallons that we are flushing now. But it also flushes 1/2 gallon, 3/4 gallon and 1 gallon per flush. It is a fractional flush toilet. Imagine the savings on your water bill. SO NOW YOU CAN BE A CONSERVING FELLOW AND STILL FLUSH IT WHEN IT'S YELLOW. HELP YOUR FELLOW POOPER SMILE AWAY HIS FROWN AND COURTESY FLUSH ON EACH AND EVERY BROWN. This is a real toilet not a joke so keep your eyes open for it soon.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

In those news conferences in the seventies they came up with the term: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." I would have loved to have been there during one of those conferences. You know I would have been the wise ass who asked, "What if it's green?"

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Scatilla the Hun's picture

Of course we had our own droll little rhyme- "if it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down; if it's clear then too much beer; if it's green-an amazing thing, then leave it so it can be seen! We in our prepubertal naivete didn't consider the red possibility...

Someone else...'s picture

not enough water? Come and visit england. its been raining for about 2 days on and off so for about 24 hours in total in Cambridge

youtheotube2's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Am I the only one here who thinks it's disgusting to wash your anus off in the shower in place of wiping?

snowballingblood's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I couldn't see myself willingly doing that - same goes for the sink. Once there was a girl I kind of liked, and we we went to some punk show in Queens. I was freshly unemployed and broke and her + her goilfriend bought me malt liquor and drove me around - good deal. I thought the pot would be sweetened even more perhaps as the night aged, but the one girl outta the two who I thought was in my scopes came out of the disgusting bathroom in this grungy joint exclaiming how she had to shit "real bad," and there wasn't any TP so she "pulled an India" and proceeded to hold up her hand to my face as if I wanted a fresh sniff. I balked away as that trashy drunken desire to get laid just turned into a desire to drink more and hopefully have one of these dames bless me with the money for the LIRR ride home. Perhaps this makes me a wuss. I should've upp'd the punx and made out with Vagina McShithands or maybe I played my cards correctly. She might read this site and find this comment, lol. That would be great.

No matter how hard you try to poop, a penguin can do it harder.

Anonymous's picture

Didn't work out so good in the dark ages, did it? (plague) I'm sure they measure the splupy side, rather than actual flow out the toilet. The implication in the article is that all water will be taxed at a high rate.

The thing about Australia, and I speak from personal experience as I went there for a 3 week stint some time ago, is they are always in a drought condition, especially around Perth. I wondered why they don't build desalination plants. I got my answer down under - the environmentalists are dead set against it. Why? They think Australia is already overpopulated and ruining the environment. Leave aside that very little of Australia is inhabited, these environitwits are all over the place down there talking about human overpopulation. Thus, no desalination plants for humans...

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