Delivery in Thirty Minutes

Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Editor's Note: I don't often publish stories this short, but the point this one makes is well worth your consideration.

I have some knowledge of the inner workings of my digestive tract, so I read some of these poop reports with a grain of salt. You know the ones I'm talking about: "I ate mass quantities and twenty minutes later, oh my God!!" If I remember my biology correctly, I have about forty feet of intestine for food to go through after it has spent roughly an hour in my stomach. So I would have called these authors liars, except -- dum da dum dum! -- it happened to me.

It's hot here in Lake Havasu City, and in this heat eating becomes a chore. Now, I love to eat, and I have a good steady metabolism, but I had gone about a day and a half without eating much more than a bologna sandwich. I ended my pseudo-fast with my wife, who had prepared a delicious spinach chef's salad. I scarfed two plates' full and sat back to watch wrestling this particular Monday night. All was well and The Undertaker was kicking butt when, suddenly, so was the spinach.

There was no time to contemplate whether a squeeze would hold off this vegetative onslaught -- I was cramping, bad. My face flushed and my wife said something like, "Are you all---" I didn't stick around to hear the rest. I have never covered the thirty feet to the biffy so fast. My shorts hit the floor and I was about to rest my posterior on the throne when all hell broke loose.

Any of you familiar with the old "Polish cannon"? A simple device made to launch potatoes or tennis balls long distances, built using a length of pipe and some gas. I couldn't help but think of that veggie tosser as I tossed mine out the back door.

After twenty minutes of "grin and bear it" I stood to see what had done this to me at this odd hour. (I am clockwork, 8:00 AM, everyday.) There -- looking much like it had on my plate -- was my salad, each spinach leaf basically intact. (I don't chew so much as inhale.) I was astounded!!!

Had it not happened to me, I would have said it takes at LEAST twelve hours for food to get all the way through you; but I swear, and my wife will back it up -- I had to show her, just as I show her most of my odd, or momentous, poops -- it was only twenty to thirty minutes. Perhaps the Poonurse can explain this?

-- Bilgepump

85 Comments on "Delivery in Thirty Minutes"

ThreePly's picture

So did the Undertaker win?

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

I, too, have always been quite skeptical about those claims. But they've repeated too often to be coincidence. And now you confirm them. It seems pretty incredible, but I guess the body is capable of incredible things.

hope it never happens to me. That's just too weird.

turd turdgutson's picture

I can totally back this dude up. I eat breakfast at 6:50 every morning. By 7:00 AM, I then have to go to the commode, where I unleash a massive quantity of very liquid diarrhea. There's no undigested food in it, but the color varies between gold and super dark green. This happens EVERY MORNING, within 10 minutes of eating. What's wrong with me?

C Everett Poop's picture

You should have rinsed it off and eaten it again. Give the old digestive system a second chance.

Count Logula's picture

Hey T. Turdgutson, sounds like you have advanced AIDS. Get your affairs in order and go to the hospice to check out.

Glutgut's picture

Been nice knowin ya turdgutson.

Andy Steinberg's picture

I've experienced these "kablams" as I call them, goes against everything I learned in school about digestion taking a minimum of several hours between mouth and anus. Sometimes a kablam can take place 10 minutes after eating!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Oh, man! I had this happen with blueberries the other day, though it wasn't a half-hour time. It was an hour. Those things were just as blue coming out as they were going in. My turd looked like something a circus freak would honk out.

In the opposite direction, I once shat out a corn kernel after not eating corn for over a month.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

PooperGal's picture

Pill Pooper,
Pork on a bagel? That's what did it... mixing pork with Jewish baked goods. You had a culture clash in your gut.

paintchips's picture

I have a couple similar experiences:
1. I was sick with the flu and had been for a few hours so I was empty. I took an asprin to knock down the fever and in about 20 minutes cramped up. It was one of the tiny craps you have after having made many trips. It kinda makes you wonder what all the pain was for. Anyway, there in the middle like a pearl was the pill I had just taken.
2. Twice now i've had to fast for 24 hours before going to the doctor. Once for a look at the old kidneys and once for a look at the spline. Both times I've gone out to eat on the way home and barely made to a crapper afterwards. And both times I saw very distint food pieces.

So perhaps this is a side effect of an empty stomach? Thats kinda what I always thought.

Dr.Assman's picture

Generally fodd stays within your stomach for 2-6 hours b4 it makes its way to the intestinal tract.but this is under normal conditions and is only an average,different people have different body chemistry. Now bilgepump,this psuedo fast was definitly a factor in screwing your tract that day. this may not always the case, but u mentioned it in your account becase you thought that too. Next the spinach salad , spinach is mostly insoluble fiber knon as "natures broom" it travles quickly thru ur gi tract tacking all with it. eating high fiber on an empty stomach is almost always asking 4 trouble. In adition some herbs and leafy produce may contain mold and fungi spores that can make u ill. a good vinegar bath kills most but not all spores particularly if u eat organic produce in wich case u should soak produce in a solution of one drop bleach to one gallon cool water. 8-15 seconds not much longer or the veg will start to soak up bleach. now rinse thoroughly.Also if you are unacustomed to eating high fiber one good dose can create the reported effect.Finally bilgepump, chew your food, of course whole spinageleafs will scour your insides like a brillo. On a sidenote do not take antidiarreal medecines unless it it an emergency as diareah is your bodys way of removing infection . immodium and such will hold toxins and bacteria in your body giving them a chance to take hold and could make you really ill even die. Now TurdTurdison It sounds to me like its your your liver its producing excess bile(wich is green or yellow)when stimulated by digestion. THis could be nothing or it could be pretty serious, get it checked out. it could just be stress as stress causes excess bile production, class or work has caused it in the past for me.Stress or ill health can also produce extra mucus wich may also appear green or yellow. if it burns like a bitch its probably bile but it may still be bile even if it doesnt, either way GO TO A DOCTOR.

Bile Clinton's picture

You toothless moron. Get your facts straight. AIDS doesn't cause diarrhea.

Bile Clinton's picture

Nice. They edited my post. I guess the term I used in reference to Count Logula was too vile even for this site.

Short N. Sweet's picture

"After twenty minutes of "grin and bear it" I stood to see what had done this to me at this odd hour."

You mean to tell me that you are so vile as to spew nasty glumps of loose, green bilge for twenty full minutes without so much as a courtesy flush? Vile man!

Hot Carl's picture

Reminds me of a classic joke.

What do you call a vegetarian with the shits?
A salad shooter.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Certain types of produce that are not properly washed can do a number on you. With the proper 'bug' in your stomach, time is not of the essence. You're in for it.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Gaseous G's picture

Count Logula,

Imagine if it were you. You taunt god to really fuck with you when you make comments like that.

You should apologize. And if you don't, how will you feel when it is you?


Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points

Kind of ironic that this story was posted today. I had a pork roll and cheese on a bagel (pork roll for those of you not in the northeast is similar to Canadian bacon only WAY better. Next time your in NJ, GET SOME!) Anyway... I digress. I hammered this down and within 20 minutes I had to take a shit. I think it's the grease in the pork roll that does it... So this is indeed true and can happen. It happens to me extremely often. I think it's IBS.

-Pill Pooper

count Logula's picture


I'm sorry for my cruel remarks. It's just that...I was born with a penis so small that I am unable to please women or even small animals with it. Because of this, I spend my days trying to make others feel the pain I feel deep inside.

Again, I'm sorry.

Fart Poopie's picture

I, too, can vouch for this phenomenon. Happens to me when I eat guacamole or anything with avocado. The poop I expel (usually about 30 minutes later) is green and smells like avocados.

shitass's picture

I've have a somewhat opposite experience from Bilgepump's every day!. I eat and ten minutes later I take an enormous shit. I look at my creation and am able to identify very specific food items, carrots, tomato skins, rice, lettuce, peanuts, m&m's, bologna, grits, wheat thins, frog legs, salami, bread, eggs, catsup, jello, chocolate, hamburgers, lamb chops, cheezits, mushrooms, gum drops, raccoons, turnips, yams, ice cubes, beans... And I never eat any of that stuff!!!!

(Obviously I'm kidding. I really do eat gum drops.)

Poonies from Heaven's picture

Yep, happens all the time. You were empty, you filled up, and it fell right straight through. Probably better than a deep colonic IMHO. First time it happened to me, I was scared, well shitless. Between the cramps, the explosion. and seeing chunks of red in the bowl, I swore I was dying from intestinal delamination. Turns out it was just the tomatoes in the salad...

Kumar's picture

This happens to me whenever I go to White Castle.

kate's picture

I have an intolerence to a number of foods (dairy, wheat etc.) and when I eat them, within 30 minutes, they exit rapidly in the form of a foul smelling liquid. Before I found out this, I had to make many emergency trips to the toilet or into woods behind trees to avoid a disaster. Now I just like crapping outdoors and seeing how big a turd I can produce!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

This has been the best discussion in a while. Funny too. Personally I find it hard to believe that food can move through you so fast without your FEELING in work its way down every step of the way.

Dr. Dentz's picture

Ladies and gentlemen, this phenomenon is a disorder I like to call "digestus insufficientitus accelleritus maximus," or, in laymens' terms, ultra-rapid travel through your colon without adequate digestion. I had a patient once that crapped out sliced carrots in exactly the same condition they had been eaten in, and it hadn't been more than 10 minutes.

By the way, the movement was extremely explosive, with much farting and diarrhea sprayed all over the inside of the bowl and on the seat.

Dr. Dentz's picture

Oh yes, one more thing - Count Logula IS, in fact, a toothless moron, with a hilariously tiny penis.

Chuck's picture

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

Salad shooter.

Turd77's picture

Dearest DungDaddy
You have just cursed yourself. You will remember this conversation very soon. Within 2 days you will have a stinging bunghole and need to clean a toilet as you're about to BELIEVE. Soon, very soon............

TurtleHead's picture

Both my stories relate to moving stuff through the gut in less than 3 hours. Solids usually take longer, but with proper liquid/gas lub and back pressure, you can clear a colon in minutes.

Whopadilly Flipflop's picture

That was a lovely poo-related story. I do hope there are more to come!

fartass's picture

i usually poop right after eating, but i assume it is previous poops, signaled to exit by a new commer.

Ben's picture

Cayenne pepper does it for me everytime, usually within an hour.

ike04's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

to turd turdgutson, count is an idiot. You are likely lactose intolerant, cut out all dairy for a week (including milk or cream in your coffee) try a soy product instead, once you get used to the slightly differnt taste it is fine.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Ike04 may be on to something, turd.
What do you eat for breakfast every morning? Try cutting something out until you figure out what's causing the diarrhea.

Anonymous Cowardd's picture

i am a man of science, and have always discounted the myths of the 15 minute poo, but it happened to me as well...
it was after a sushi dinner. i had avocado and cucumber rolls. no fish, if i remember correctly. this type of dinner is not very alien to me, so i was quite surprised at my feeling in the car on the way home. maybe i used too much wasabi and soy sauce, i don't know what caused it, but i do know that it happened.
i couldn't get home quick enough. as soon as i parked my car and ran into my bathroom, my abdomen exploded. it was possibly one of the fastest and most violent poos i have experienced. i wouldn't have believed it was from the meal i had just eaten if it weren't for the dead-giveaway nori (seaweed sushi wrapper) which could be seen.
i wonder if i was hungry again afterwards.

Flying Poop's picture

This too has happened to me. I ate really spicy Thai food, and an hour later I felt a rumble. I ignored it for about five minutes. It came back with a vengeance. I ran to the bathroom and proceeded to drop a load that burned as much as when I ate it. I've heard the term "Fire in the hole!" before, but this gave it a whole new meaning. Not to mention that I wished I had eaten ice cream for desert just to cool things down afterwards.

browneyes's picture

To Shit Volcano:

Just the Kernel?!!! I saw a dog shit out a whole corn cob once on a camping trip. We saw him EAT the cob the evening before - next morning it came out the other end and we all watched in amazement as the dog -- not very happy at all, wining as he worked it on out.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Pill, I was just traveling thru NJ on my way home and I had the pork roll just before we left (i wanted to see if I could eat n' shit in 10 mins. I was careful to drive by place w/ clean restrooms for 15 mins., and when nothing happened, I got back on the NJ Turnpike. 5 mins later i was flooring it to get to the service area 14 goddamn miles away. Thank god there was an accident behind me or I woulda had 80 cops on me. Then the crapper was this terrible shit-covered, cigerette burned, pissed-on seat that i had to let fly on.

Note to all people; Never drive the NJ Turnpike- it SUCKS and it's expensive.

The next rest stop I passed had just been renovated and the bathrooms were nice, clean, and nw my wife said. Damn I missed it.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

woknblues's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I can vouch for real fast processing. Once, I had made a toaster oven pizza and put lots of fresh basil on it. 15 minutes after eating, I felt the urge to release. I went to the commode and unleashed a smallish sticky green log. I ran out of the room gagging, and nearly threw up. After a few minutes, I returned to wipe (I didnt have time, it was that bad) and infact vomited into my mouth as I tried to spray and open windows. My brother, who lived with me at the time was asking me "What the hell is wrong in there?" I came out to the living room and told him to go in there if he wanted to know. He didn't apparently see the wicked expression on my face, because he opened my bathroom door and gagged on the putrid stench. It was as if the smell of fresh basil had multiplied by 10,000 and had mixed in an unholy way with the crap.

Poop Sculptures's picture

I believe it. I insta-poop if I eat anything with canola oil (lots of salad dressings contain it, and lots of restaurants fry with it). And it doesn't just trigger the exit of stuff that's already in there, it causes everything to move through in about 15 minutes or so (as ascertained by the contents).

I really should chew more thoroughly, though.

And people, PLEASE don't let dogs chew on corn cobs. They cause intestinal *blockages* and kill an awful lot of dogs.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

I ate a caesar salad here at home the other day, and within 30 minutes it was all in the commode, only slightly discolored. I got a big laugh out of C. Everett's suggestion above about rinsing it off and eating it again. I wasn't quite THAT hungry, though!

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points

Its crazy. Your muscles must work double time to shove it thru that fast.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Booker's picture

This has happened to me a few times. I thought I was the only person in the world! The salad comes out with brown liquid, but it is clearly the salad I just ate (you know when you haven't had a morsel of fiber in days)-bits of wilted lettuce (but even still green!), pieces of tomato, carrot, cabbage and onion all together. I wondered if I just didn't chew well enough and my intestines were letting me know. I have never considered that it was not washing it well enough-I will try that since I never wash it!
Interestingly, I have also had liquid poop 30 minutes after eating a "meaty" meal with no fiber. However, there are not usually chunks of anything recognizable, but the smell is unmistakably similar to what I had just eaten. I always like the sesame seeds from a mcdonalds hamburger bun to let me know 30 minutes later, the big mac I just ate cleared right through. At least I dont have to worry about the calories from that meal!

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

Speaking of salads and veggies... The other day I produced a log that looked exactly like a big brown carrot. I almost took a picture of it.

Funny part was I hadn't eaten carrots in a month!

Amazingly studying the essence of poop!

Poop Shooter!

Ben's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The only way I can make a thirty minutes' is by

1) an enema-less than 5 mins
2) a suppository-less than 30 mins

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

Poop Shooter,

Maybe your slendiferous study in poo was your body's way of telling you to eat more carrots. Very zen if you think about it.

keeping the whack in tally-ho...

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Bunghole, Poop Shooter, you guys crack me up.

Poop Shooter, if you had been constipated would that mean you got a carrot stuck?


I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Fermeida Poupon's picture

I woke up one night to the most awful sound. I thought a werewolf had attacked the neighbors dog. I looked out the window and by the moonlight I could see the neighbors dog hunched up in the poop launching position and howling something fierce. In the morning I went to mow the lawn and found what the dog had left. Believe it or not an Irish Setter is capable of passing a T-Bone. Not the meat, just the T shaped bone. Ouch. No wonder he was howling.

Scottish Admirer's picture

Excellent site, fills a much-needed gap in the marketplace. I mean my friends and I often compare notes on our bowel movements but I had no idea that a site such as this existed. I haven't stopped laughing for the last 2 hours - and I need to study for my finals at university in 2 weeks!!

Keep it up guys, this is brilliant!!

p.s. ever thought of a compilation book of the best and rest of stories on here? I know for a fact that you'd make a bomb

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