The Shit Of My Career

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PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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"I just took the shit of my career!"

I was a senior in college the first time I heard that phrase. A dorm buddy of mine had just walked into my suite to watch a little television (I was one of the few guys that had a portable in my room that semester) and, as we were watching some mindless show, he turned and ran that expression past me. He then proceeded to describe the monstrous turd he had just unleashed in his own suite bathroom down the hall. (I have a theory that Shameless types tend to attract similar minds; or, perhaps it's that the Shameful cling together for courage against the annoying dingleberries of their pooping lives.)

At any rate, my friend's utterance resonated with me then, and still does now. For me, it perfectly summed up that one memorable poop that I will never forget no matter how long I live. It took place when I was a third-grader -- just your average frenetic flash of freckles and red hair, absorbed in running around the schoolyard to burn off the energy of boyhood.

The "shit of my career" came upon me with all the attention-getting power of an audit notice from the IRS. I remember the feeling as if it had happened yesterday -- and I can't recall any sensation approaching it since. I was struck by a sudden heaviness in my bowels, which caused me to come to an immediate stop. This was no attack of diarrhea -- I could tell that nothing was going to detonate. No barrage of lit firecrackers, this. This excremental time bomb had a long, slow fuse.

I literally had trouble walking to the boys' bathroom. This turtlehead was of the snapping variety -- poking in and out with more authority than most -- and I remember it had me waddling the last few feet to one of the stalls. As I poop-reported in my early stories last year, I used open stalls without a problem from the fourth grade through high school, but my elementary school bathroom had doors. No locks -- but the stalls would close. So it was not at all unusual, therefore, to be walked in on by another classmate during the greater or lesser shits of one's novice career.

In this particular case, no one actually witnessed my feat. I will never forget the feeling of relief when my ordeal was over, nor my surprise at the size of the product in the bowl. For a third-grader, it was quite impressive -- both in width and length -- and surely would have rivaled a grown man's prodigy. I can't even begin to recall what I had eaten the day before (or days before, if this was the product of postponed pooping), but I can vouch for the fact that never since can I remember being so satisfied with my system.

From every imaginable angle, this was indeed the shit of my career. A solid, ass-stretching yet not terribly odiferous or strain-inducing experience. Once I had planted my little bottom on the bowl, the peristalsis became platonic. During that respite from the rigors of recess, I was indeed The Wizard of Ahhs.

I would dearly love to recapture that perfect pooping sensation; but though I generally operate with all systems go these days, and have produced some masterpieces of merde over the years, I may have to face the fact that I have already achieved my magnum opus.

So, fellow poopers, how many of you can zero in precisely on your water-loo?

-- The Big Wiper

252 Comments on "The Shit Of My Career"

Rena's picture

Maybe Shannon is an honor student and was stressed by her finals, but she made several serious errors in judgement, and from what I can glean from her posting, isn't fully aware of the possible danger she put herself in.

First, an all-night truck stop or service station would have been a better choice than the wide-open Interstate rest area.

Secondly, if you had put toilet paper down or attempted to, you would have found that there wasn't any much earlier and before you needed to clean yourself. I was taught to at least wipe the seat off first and that GUARANTEES you will not be in the situation you placed yourself in. You mention the boys peed all over the seats and didn't wash their hands (so as to spare you the embarrassment. Think, chick, how many skanks sat on that seat before you or peed on it. Men aren't ask clean about such things as women, but enough said!

Third: with no stall doors as a young woman you left yourself very vulnerable to three guys who could have robbed or taken advantage of you in so many other ways.

Fourth, you continued to use largely unsecured Interstate bathrooms for the remainder of your trip rather than the more well lite and supervised restrooms at truck stops and gas stations which are invariably safer and cleaner because they cater to a very discriminating clientele, professional travelers.

It would be amusing, Shannon, if your parents read your posting. What would they say?

Trev's picture

Rena brings up some good points but uses a seriously erroroneous stereotype that a toilet in the mens room is bound to be dirtier than one in the womens room. Where's the proof, Rena? Simple logic says that since most men stand to pee at a urinal, there's less traffic using the available toilets. The mens seat is going to be cleaner because the number of "contacts" on it in a given day is way less than the toilets in the womens bathroom. Also, if a woman uses a public bathroom several times a day, what she picks up and is exposed to can be carried from toilet to toilet, whereas most of us men will sit down only once a day, if at that. Rena, however, does overlook one important thing that Shannon potentially subjected herself to in using an open stall, mens restroom. In recent years I've seen a few men use an open stall situation to expose themselves, and in one case at our public library, actually masterbate while I was using the stool immediately across from another row of stalls. Although I was 18, it still grossed me out and made me want to find other alternatives as to where to take my Saturday morning shit. I agree that Shannon used really bad judgment in several respects. At a minimum, she should have covered the toilet seat as I always do. Dried human urine, although not something that spreads disease, is something I don't want touching my skin. What's wrong with Shannon???

Torrie's picture

I think I can see where Shannon was coming from. You want to break up a long drive by stopping every couple of hours. The reststops are well-lit, fast and obviously convenient. You have to pee, the women's room is closed off, so you make the best of it and use the men's room. Cold, open stalls but when you gotta go, you gotta go. I don't mind sitting down on a seat in those circumstances because educated people know you can't pick up any diseases and besides, that's why most of us bathe and shower daily. By going into another stall for toilet paper she added to the time she was vulnerable--she probably should have just taken the stain in her panties. The excitement and exercise of hopping over to another stall for toilet paper helped ready her shit (for which all of us fighting constipation can be thankful) and her "successful" experience was followed later by another large dump. It all seems natural and logical to me! I've taken craps in the mens rooms at service stations when I've had to go bad and couldn't wait on another occupant leaving or when the ladies stool was stopped up. Let's give her a break and herald the "shit of her young career".

Anonymous Coward's picture

Even if Shannon was to bathe or shower daily, I find it gross to sit on a public toilet, especially in a highly public place, such as a highway rest stop. Honor student or not,it's stupid. And I believe the mens rooms are probably dirtier than the womens because so many men of all ages pee without lifting up the seat first. Sometimes when we're on a date and my boyfriend needs to shit, he'll go to a couple of bathrooms before he finds one that he feels good enough about to sit down on the toilet. Once, that meant stopping at a bowling alley for his shit rather than at a concert at our civic center. Maybe shopping around adds to the thrill of a "career shit"...I don't know. But for me, when I gotta go, I'm down at the first stop because a pee or shit is more important to me than any neurotic notions of whom may have warmed the stall for me.

Sweaty Poop's picture

The Poop of my Career! It's finally happened! I've been reading this forum for months but felt lost and sad coz i didn't have a story to tell.. Until now that is. Was only yesterday that my butt tearing, eye watering experience happened. After pooing at least twice a day, i hadn't managed a poo for a while so decided to take a little help, oh, how my bum still burns.......

Tails from a Crypt's picture

I think the post by "armondo" from 01.18.2005 might be the funniest thing I've ever read on this site. One paragraph long, and I actually did laugh out loud. Hilarious. I swear I'm going to bookmark this page, just to come back and read that once every few months for inspiration.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

7:22am Jan 3, 07.

I have topped the shit of my career!!! :-)

This one had all of the characteristics of my January 2000 poop, (read my 9/10 post).

The only difference with this one was that it after it came out, my rear end felt sooo good. Dispite being of a nearly identical size as my January 2000 poop, it was no match for the new toilet, which sucked it away in less than two seconds flat.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

wow's picture

My 'poopreport' extends for an entire semester at college. It was freshman year and for weeks no one has taken a smelly dump, boys bathroom smelled strangely fresh. My shit smells like roses, but my roses stink. I held it in for 4 weeks, and I thought the weight gain was part of the freshman15. Then I couldn't do it any more. As I landed my behind on the toilet it went away again, but I was determined to kick those bastards out. I pushed and squeezed and groaned and flexed and finally them suckers came. There were 3 about 10" each and as thick as 3". Masterpieces!!! Of course they wouldn't flush so I just wiped and walked out. That same day our bathroom became a gallery, the rest of the floor was cheering and laughing "who the f*** did that?" I finally confessed and that night it was party in my name. Might I add I lost the 13lbs that instant and my boxers didn't leave mark on my stomach anymore. For its gloriousness I was convinced that I had to do that till the end of the semester and get $500 for it. That money did NOT go towards my tuition

a random hero's picture

I am now 25 years old and I still tell this story like it happened yesterday. Though it happened in the hayday of my youth at a mere 17 years of age. I was in high school, at the end of my junior year. All of the students and faculty were convened in the gymnasium for the student speeched to decide the upcoming student body government.

As we sit appropriately on the hard wooden bleechers of the gym, where I sat center surrounded by all my friends, the principal came on the mic and requested that everyone quiet down for the speeches were about to begin.
After all the worthless speeches from the treasurer and VP had spoke the nominees for president began to speak. The first one of which happen to be a friend of mine. I started feeling a horrible feeling in my stomach. I new what was happening; The shit Gods were sending me their holy quest.
With pretense of humorous timing, I waited and waited, for the perfect time, and pressure.
At just the right moment, my colleague gave a dramatic pause. Right then I let loose with the the most force I could conjure, and let this anal scream like this world had ever heard. The entire school erupted with laughter and hysteria. It was truly a thunderous roar. Somewhat like the machines on War of the Worlds sounded like. Even the faculty and disciplinarian were sick with laughter. The speaker looks up, as if he knew before it had happened, directly at me and said..."Thank you for that Chris."

In the process of my strain and dedication for the moment, and had let just a bit more that a fart loose. Twenty minutes later after the attention was off me, I quietly moved down the steps of the bleaches with a wobble in my swagger, to the bathroom for a thorough cleanup, when I realized that round two was just beginning. I knew, from what I ate earlier, that this was going to be a meat shit. You know the type. The night before I had been to the steakhouse and ordered the 42 ounce cowboy rib eye. This inhuman creature moved out of me slowly and slimely, like toothpaste out of a tube, but solid. And this released a horrible brown smell, the deep, vibrant, meaty aroma. I was almost unbearable even to me. And usually everyone likes their own brand. However my friends, this was not the case. I was offended by the smell of my own mess; this has never happened before. So like most people, after I am complete, after the screaming, and sweating, and groaning, I got up to have a look at my work;. It was a horrid object, dark green in color. And I still sear to this day...most say I'm daft to even think it. But I swear that it had hairs growing out of it. Hairs of its own, not mine. It was truly the greatest defecation of my career.
When I was performing, I had no idea how great this could have been had I have a witness. I could have become a legend, famous the world over, if anyone had seen my work or perhaps had a picture. Alas, it was not meant to be then. I am still waiting, pondering, when it will happen to me again. For I am destined for greatness.

I plan on sharing this memory with everyone, including my grand children, and great grand children in hopes that someone will carry on my legacy long after I am gone.

Now that I found this website, I hope I can let everyone know and possibly make a difference. Even if it is a small difference it will mean the world to me.
I feel like the old lady in titanic...

Book due out in Feb-08

Suitably Impressed's picture

This tale comes from a former boyfriend of my sister in law. He was a musician and upon becoming successful he had started touring different countries to perform.

Growing up in Europe and spending most of his life in Canada, he had never been to Mexico, where he performed and then was invited to dine with his hosts. The food all seemed exotic to him having been raised on perogi and bread - all very bland. But this food was a revelation to him. Such new intense favours. He ate a typical Mexican meal, but focussed on one dish which consisted of tortilla chips with a creamy dip that was deceptively laden with very hot chilis. Most at the table ate small portions, but having not had a chance to eat since his arrival, our friend probably ate far more than he should have.

An hour or two on, the dilutive effects of the creamy dip were gone and all that remained were these burning embers of chili. He was in terrible pain and as his bowels turned to liquid he was suddenly motivated to pass this glowing mass. But as you may have guessed, if it didn't burn going in, it sure as hell did coming back out.

He found himself an hour later, sitting disrobed from the waist down in his hotel room's kitchenette, ass immersed in a sink full of ice and water.

And I believe this is still the metric by which I will always measure "aaaah".

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points

Although it was not the shit of my career, this week was awesome. I ate lots of salad, Grape Nuts trail mix cereal, yogurt. I drank Gatorade and had the best week of solid, large, satisfying dumps.

poopiehead92862's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My boyfriend takes the largest shits I have ever seen. I ca prove it! Log on to www.smellypoop.com and click on the poop pictures link and the the user submitted link. I have posted numerous photos of his turds. They are the ones in blue toilet bowls and on plates or in bowls.

The Turdmenator's picture

I remember fondly the turd of my career. I was probably about 12 and it was a true log. I stared into the toilet for a silent 15 minutes trying to figure out how something so large had exited my body. But it was a true no-wiper and I felt the buzzings that could only be compared to a light orgasm after I was finished. The afterglow must have lasted for a full half hour. I will never forget it. Sigh.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

After pondering this topic for awhile, I decided the Shit Of My Career took place on New Years Eve morning 2005. While getting ready for work, I felt an unusually heavy feeling in my lower gut. I headed to the john to take care of business. It was a two parter, first a long, snake like turd, followed a few minutes later by another solid log. After wiping, I looked into the bowl and saw a long brown snake coming up out of the water. On top of that was a long, straight turd laying across it, stretching from one side of the bowl to the other. I estimate it was about 2 and a half feet of shit released in one sitting. I was never so proud in my life. I even took a picture of it with my cell phone. Sadly, before I got a chance to show anybody, I dropped that phone and broke it.

Shelby's picture

The shit of my career came in August 1995 when I started middle school. I thought my middle school was huge (more than 1,000 students from a dozen grade schools in all parts of our city). Each of the bathrooms at my elementary school had no more than three stalls; now I would walk into a large room with two rows of stalls (about 15), although not all worked or had dry seats!

My best friend Beth was astounded when I told her that in seven years of public education, I had never pooped at school or in another large public bathroom. Peeing was no problem and I would sit down at least once a day, sometimes twice if my mom or Beth's mom was late from work in picking up from work. I moved my bowels in the early morning right after I woke up or in the evening after dinner. Never a problem, or so I thought!

The problem started when Beth & I made our city's 100-some member middle school youth orchestra and we had a weekly practice at our huge, 10,000-seat civic center arena. We would have a 90-minute practice each afternoon after school and would be brought back to our respective schools by school bus. I was careful to remember to pee before boarding the bus for practice, but on the second or third practice evening, I began feeling a bowel movement coming on and we needed to be seated and ready for our conductor in five minutes. I hurried down the ramp to the restrooms that I remembered we had passed in coming in. The womens room was huge...easily double or triple the number of stalls at school and I couldn't find a light switch. As I ran past the sinks to the stalls, the lights came on suddenly (my first experience with sensors!)and I selected the first stall I sighted, latched the door, pulled down my pants and sat down. As I tried to spread my legs a little and better position myself as I did at home for a large poop (to use one of mom's terms I think I was "backed up" by about four or five days), I could feel it coming and despite pushing and pushing and sweating like on a hot, humid summer day, I couldn't get it out. I reluctantly pulled up my pants and exited, running to the main floor where I was the last player to take my place.

After practice and about 90 minutes of having that very full, churning sensation in your gut, I made a return run to the bathroom, this time the bathroom closest to the main entrance from which my bus was going to depart. There were several buses out there and drivers standing in the doorway and I knew I would have five minutes, at best, to complete the needed task. I dropped my instrument case (it actually slide a couple stalls down) and I opened a stall door, dropped the seat (I didn't even stop to think then how strange it was to see that in a public place)and put myself down. Again, the clock was ticking and despite my pushing (and now some groaning because I was hurting myself)what I could feel and smell I couldn't quite get out. Again, I was forced to pull up my pants, grab my instrument, and hustle to the already waiting bus without being able to produce.

It was a lengthy bus ride in rush hour Interstate traffic, but I couldn't wait to get back to school where I could more comfortably sit and with less pressure, dislodge my demon. I was literally ready to explode by the time the bus reached the school. I knew I wouldn't need the anticipated longer time on the stool...just a couple of seconds and I would be fully extracating my load. For whatever reason, however, the driver took us to the back end of the school and the loading dock door was open for us to use. Some students were bitching about that and having to go to the other side of the building to their lockers, etc. but I didn't care. I had just one thing on my mind. Although I would have liked the opportunity to have used the rear door of the bus (I would have been faster off!) I was one of the last two to depart.

I basically ran and scanned all sides of the hall for evidence of restrooms (my hopes were elevated when I saw drinking fountains--but damnit, no restrooms!). Finally, just outside of where a steel gate locked off the hall I spotted a "boys" sign and I knew I had to be close to what I wanted. However, the "girls" sign was on the other side of the locked gate! I knew I had only a few seconds to make a decision that would spare myself of one huge mess--not only from my rear but I was also feeling nauseated. I decided it would have to be the boys bathroom. Luckily, there was no noise or evidence of occupancy, but it was gross passing a long line of smelly urinals, and then spotting three open-stalled toilets--each with a various load level of unflushed shit. I chose the farthest, put my instrument case down, flushed and sat down so fast that I got quite a spray from the flush in progress but I didn't care. I don't think the flush was complete when I dumped one huge load. It was so long that it stretched all the way up to the front of the bowl and I knew it was much too wide to flush. Besides, I remember thinking that even two flushes in a two-minute period of a toilet in a boys room would be quite traumatic for it.

I wiped with the small pre-cut toilet paper squares that were in the dispenser (us girls would gag if we had to use those regularly!) and got myself moderately clean. As I was taking one final look at what I had produced, I concluded that it was my record--the career shit I can look back on now 12 years later and remember. While I was lucky that a boy, teacher or custodian had not walked in on me, I had completed my task! My thoughts were interrupted by a custodian paging me to the office. Beth's mom had arrived to drive us home and swore that she had searched the building for me. That night on the phone I sure had a story to tell Beth. However, a camera phone, then, like I carry today, would have been nice for documentation.

everyday crapper's picture

My shit of my career just occured i had not had the urge to go for 2 days (i am 14) and i had the feeling like i needed to drop a load. For the whole day so that night it hit me. So i sat down for my shit and came out without a push was a 1 foot and 2 inch monster. It was followed by somemore goodsized crap and the whole pile was over the top of the waterline i had to look to see my masterpiece. It took 2 flushes to get it down. That is the crap of my career.

Poop-De-Ville's picture

Sometimes I shit so hard in the mens' room, it clogs the ladies' urinals!

shanus the anus's picture

hi i have had quite a few memorable poop's in my career, but yesterday's seismic event totally blew all previous claims for this honour straight out of the bowl. it dropped in stages it took a good half hour to unload the lot, and it blocked the toilet when i say blocked it was actually crammed in there tight and no matter what i tried to do it just would not budge. so i ended up pulling on the rubber gloves and digging deep into my poop, its a shame i had to break it up but there was so much i had to get a bucket to put the poop into before i could flush it in stages, either that or pay for a maintenance man to fix it, i swear when i eventually emptied it into the bucket i could not believe that much poop came out of me, it must have weighed three pounds and looked like a giant pile of chocolate covered profiteroles. i was so impressed i just had to tell people that understand where im coming from, most of my mates turn there noses up if talk turns to the biggest poop's we have had i find it amusing. i admit i was constipated before i let rip this monster and this contributed to the size, it will stay with me forever well unless something bigger drops one day in the future.

ichabod's picture

one day as i gathered my daily biking items i felt an interesting yet familiar wave of "the boogyman" but i had to continue packing as my friend was going to europe the next day and i wouldnt miss out on this biking trip. we had hit the trails and not but half an hour in the "roller coaster" of sorts dropped to my anus in what i would call a free-fall....at this i dropped my bike in mid ride and flew to a rock where i dropped trou' and let the beast escape,for five minutes i could feel my intestines empty as if it were a caffitira line and they were serving chocolate cake that day,or in this case a sort of honey mustard and apple mixture of sludge. i looked around when my rectum finally ceased to pulsate, however there were only thornbushes around,i thought of using my socks but i picked that day to wear a quite expensive pain,my shirt,no,that was a gift from a friend,my only choice was to hope to avoid some nasty cuts, to this day,i still havent healed from those,what i now know as poisonous bushes,moral of the story,always bring a piece of clothing you can live without

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

ichabod, were they Thorlo socks?

I, too, would keep the Thorlo socks. In fact, I'd rather have 8 dollar socks than a bottle of wine that cost 8 bucks. But, that's also because I'm an expensive wino.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Modern_drunkard's picture

Last year went out drinking on a friday night. I had to be at work at 0500 on saturday, so of course i crawled out the bar at 0415.

On the way to work i decided that the best thing to wake me up would be a Special Mexican burger from Lugz in Durban.

This burger is made of two meat patties, with chillies ground in, topped with raw green chilli paste and garnished with more chilli paste. Normally i cant stand more than a bite.

Because i had been drink Tequila/Stroh Rum/RedBull shots, I managed to put down two of these burgers without any real effort.

I get to work, and make a royal mess of the stuff i had to do, fell asleep, and woke up aroud ten.

Because of all the alcohol in my system, i was severely dehydrated BEFORE i ate. The two burgers were dry lumps in my intestines, and were heading for the exit.

I got to the toilet and waited... and waited.

The sonofabitch had made a hard mushroom head just at the prison gates. I pushed, and pushed, and screamed and cried. Finally, i got so desperate that i had to stick a finger up my asshole and break the mushroom head. Everytime i pushed my finger up, my asshole shifted the load backwards, like a game of fecal cat-and-mouse. With nothing left to lose i rammed my middle finger up and with a "come here" hand motion i broke a quarter of the mushroom head.

Semi digested meat fell into my palm, hard as nuggets. Some of them were sharp ended and tore the inner lining of my rectum and anus. With almost academic interest, i watched my blood spot the semi-shit that had now fallen into the well. With the head broken, the log surged through. A solid 9 inch brown turd, spotted with green chilli paste and blood.

It just lay there, staring at me, accusingly.

I saluted, and flushed him goodbye.
Caught in the onslught of water, he turned twice on his axis,dipped his mushroom head, and sailed gracefully into the pipe.

I watched him go, blood dripping out my ass, and wept.

That was the Most Memorable Shit of my career.

Poopy Pants's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The crap of my career happened after the birth of my baby. I had torn something fierce during the delivery, and had many layers of fresh stitches holding my business together. Five days after the delivery I was home again and need to do my first postpartum dookie. I knew the turd, like the baby had been, was in there, and there was only one way for it to get out. I couldn't turn back, and delaying it would only make it bigger. So with tears in my eyes I crapped a crap that rendered me incapable of doing anything but getting in a warm tub and curling up into the fetal position, which, in hindsight, was rather ironic.

Do NOT go in there!

pooprincess's picture

I'd have to say the poo of my life was when I was about 11. I had been having the overpowering urge for 2 or 3 days, and still nothing. One day, it hit me stronger than it had before, so I rushed to bathroom, with day dreams of finally unleashing this beast from it's prison. I sat on the toilet, and waited. I never push, it seems to slow the process down some. I waited a good 20 minutes, and still nothing. I tried different methods of pushing, rearranging my cheeks on the camode, turning all the spigots in the bathroom on, drinking what felt like gallons of water, braught to me by my little sis, (as the oldest sister, I was queen,so my little sisters had to do my bidding), and still nothing. I was crying by this point, because Mama had told me that if I didn't go by today, she'd have to take me to the doc and have them rinse it out of me with a hose. I soooooo did not want that. Just when I was about to give up, and go face my doom, (Mom was getting her keys), I felt something move. Oh sweet baby Jesus, it was moving!! If I hadn't been stuck on the toilet, I would have danced for joy. The Beast was definatly about to be born, but it wasn't going to be kind. I strained and pushed, and bit my lip through the pain when needed, and after nearly an hour of just the head of the Beast sticking out, it finally made a leap for the U-bend. But it had grown so monstrous that it wouldn't fit. After the final sliding sensation, signalng the ordeal as over, and getting a clean wipe, I turned to face my enemy. Sitting there, trapped and leering, was the Beast, face to face at last. It was lumpy all over, much like you would picture a warty troll, and was about a ft long, and about 2in too wide to slide down the pipe. Strangely enough it had hardly any smell. I called for mom and my sisters to come see my conquered enemy, and marched royally out of the bathroom, leaving it to mother as to figure out how to dispose of the Beast. Never since have I had the misfortune of meeting any other poo trolls like that one. I will never forget that formidable foe as long as I live.

Brooke Pape's picture

I love those nice firm, big ones that create a mushroom shaped cloud variety of splash which in turn has a bidet affect on the "over-stimulated" butt-hole. Brooke Pape

turdfan's picture
l 100+ points

My career shit happened one day at work. Back then I was chronically plugged up, and lived on Ex Lax. Anyway, I knew I had a monster turd nearing the launch pad, so I entered the stall not knowing exactly what to expect. Unfortunately, it felt even larger than I first thought, and also felt like it wasn't going anywhere. After a few minutes of intense straining, I finally got it about 3 inches out, and it got stuck again. I even tried pulling it back in, and that didn't work. So, I sat there desperately trying to figure out what my options were. In a few more minutes, I got this uncontrollable contraction, and I knew my friend was headed to his watery grave. The huge turd hit the bowl and splashed water all over my butt. Also, that was the first time I've ever had to wait quite a while for my butt-hole to close up so I could wipe. What an experience!!!

SugarLoaf's picture

I routinely take massive, toilet-destroying dumps. I'm the guy who panics when he enters an alien bathroom and doesn't see a plunger. I'm the guy who asks questions about flush power. In short, I know the power of my anus, yet it still impresses me sometimes.

I get an unbelievable urge to shit when I'm browsing in a music or book store. That shit feeling is amplified 10-fold when I'm browsing a porn video store. Nowadays I do it online, but this happened about 10 years back.

I was at the old Video Barn with my roommate and we were browsing the latest new releases from Elegant Angel. My stomach began its usual churning as I slowly paced the aisles lined with the smut du jour. I tried to vent - releasing my windy ass-miasma at carefully timed intervals.

Anon, the pain became too much and panic set in. I told my roommate it was his choice and I set out to find sweet relief.

When I need to shit badly, I become borderline psychotic. My shit rage turns me into a reptilian creature who hunts toilet with primal instincts. I throw caution to the wind for the feeling of sweet relief.

It's this bad judgement that landed me at the Hess Mart bathroom. I waddled in, panic radiating from eyes like a thousand suns. I secured the keys and ran around back; my turtle's head gaining confidence and emerging.

To my horror, the bathroom had been previously ravaged. There were shit-marks on the floor, the seat and some on the walls. The odor smacked you in the face at first smell. The bowl contained a frothy mixture of diarhhea and weeks-old toilet paper. And, of course, it wouldn't flush.

It was upon this base that I built my masterpiece. I quickly threw off my pants and boxers, hung them from the door handle, put my feet on the seat and assumed the monkey style.

I shit out what could best be described as a baby telephone pole. It pierced the diarrhetic base and drove deeper to find porcelain. When I stood erect, the pole mimiced me, the toxic sludge in the toilet held it perfectly straight.

It was easily 3-4 inches in diameter and between 14-19 inches long. The aroma was so pungent that it cancelled out the previous diarhhea's aroma rendering the bathroom almost odorless.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

I just now finished taking an awesome dump that may have been the shit of my career. I was sitting at the computer, drinking coffee, when the urge to poop hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to the toilet, pulled down my shorts, sat down, farted a couple times, then gave a slight push. The log came sliding out easily, and after about 10 seconds was still coming. When it finally slid out, I wiped and stood up to admire it. The entire bottom of the bowl was covered by this brown, coiled up snake.

It was not only a thing of beauty, but I felt about 10 pounds lighter, too.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

In my story Dave entitled 'the London "Aiiiee"!', I described one of the shits of my career - another that sticks in the memory was when I was on holiday with friends at the age of 11. My shits at that age came every three or four days, but on this occasion, away from home and my usual diet, I had not pooped in over a week.

My pal and I went down to the beach early one morning, and were playing football before it got crowded. I can still remember the sudden feeling in my gut as the monster started to move. I knew without doubt that it was going to demand to be released very soon. I told my friend, and started to make my way back to our caravan site.

As I started the walk, the pressure quickly increased. I realised that I was only moments from a serious butt-clenching situation. The walk to the site was five to ten minutes, and meant passing the sand dunes and bank around the beach. An idea formed in my mind, and I diverted to the top of the bank, out of sight of the beach. As I looked round to check whether I was in view, I was overwhelmed by a butt-clenching spasm of a force as strong as I'd ever experienced.

Satisfied that I was out of sight, I lowered my shorts and crouched down. Despite my desparation to shit, I still had to push to get the turd out. It was huge, and the feeling of relief was amazing. Obviously, I couldn't measure it, but it was a single solid turd of at least a foot long by probably three inches at its widest. The sight of it lying there was so impressive that I later told my pal, who later came to pay his respects!

Anonymous Coward's picture

You lot are just sick

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

AC's comment from 09.14.2007 wins....pure poetic genius, rhyme and tempo were perfect, on topic, beautiful literary styling....you, sir, or madam, give me wood.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Unko-chan's picture

I call mine the Yellowstone National Poop. I was driving across country from Detroit to San Francisco, camping along the way with a friend from college. Now I normally don't fret if I go a day or three between spawnings of the rare Rocky Mountain stink eel, but it takes five days to reach Yellowstone, and I had five days' job waiting for me. Turns out the place where the moose in my pants started grunting was a lookout where you're supposed to see lots of bears.

No, this story isn't going there. I didn't fight off a grizzly attack with a four-foot bat of poo. Wish I did, now that I think about it.

Anyway, the line was long, so by the time I got in there I was good and ready. Poor little kid who got the stall next. I was in there a good 20 minutes.

And during that time, my pooping life completely flashed before my eyes. The hard, scratchy stuff. The thick, round stuff. The goopy, smelly stuff. The stink eels. Perhaps I should have called it the Kilauea Crapper National Poop by the way it looked as I flushed it down.

How that volume of stuff was managed by the Yellowstone National Park sewer system is amazing. I suppose they're more used to elk and buffalo going in there to take a crap.

In any case, next time you're visiting one of America's lovely national parks, be sure to thank a forest ranger for my massive career poop.

Three Times Frustrated's picture

Shelby's story is fantastic. I soooo feel for her. Many of us who grew up in smaller communities and who get use to regular schedules are thrown off by activities and trips to much larger cities and venues. I would have been in tears holding a full load, having to use a big city auditorium restroom (what an adjustment from the 15 stall facility at her middle school to three times that number of stalls at the auditorium), and at first, not being able to find the light and then sitting down with a load to eject and not being able to produce. Then after practice going through the same thing again! That poor girl must have been terrified getting back on the bus and knowing that she could have an accident at any time. Then having the girls bathroom gated off at her school: I would have lost it there. I would think the open-stall boys bathroom would be the utlimate in humiliation. Thank God she was able to release that demon. And over a good number of years in school, I thought that sitting on a cold seat in a smoke-filled bathroom was bad. Shelby's posting has convinced me that I had comparably nothing to complain about!

shit4brains's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is harrowing tale. Just as david triumphed over Goliath, your tale is poignant and bittersweet, your prodigious effort is an inspiration to me. Hats off to you
_______
my bum is on the rail

thunderbirds are go

pincher of loafs's picture

I can vividly remember what will probably become my crowning fecal achievement, as it happened less than 2 years ago. I was at summer camp, and had been backed up for a few days. Then one day, while I was doing nothing in particular, the urge struck. My chest ached so badly, and felt so full, that I felt like I was about to go into labor. I knew that I couldn't hold it in; I had a time bomb in my gut. I immediately got up and began the laborious journey to the bathroom, which suddenly seemed unbearably far away, due to the excruciating pain I felt every time I took a step. When I finally arrived, I instinctively pulled down my pants, sat on the toilet, and unlocked the hatch in a matter of seconds. It felt like there was a fountain in my bunghole, and I felt extremely relieved and soothed as I felt the turds rushing out, and heard the loud, satisfying plop of any good dump. But, as quickly as it had come, it was over. It had only taken about three seconds to completely vacate my bowels, but they were three of the best seconds of my life. Then I looked in the bowl. This really was the ultimate crap. There were brown specks splattered all over the bowl, but at the bottom I saw what had been tormenting my bowels. It was a huge mound that hovered on a neutral ground between liquid and solid. It looked like it had about the consistency of very runny mashed potatoes, and it was concentrated in a stunningly enormous lumpy mound that pierced the water. White,grey, and even a few green specks dotted the dookie. Except it wasn't really dookie. It was as explosive as any diarrhea I've had, but not nearly as watery. And, unlike diarrhea, it wasn't composed of numerous small particles. After these mind-blowing observations, the first thought that came to mind was: "Damnit. Now I have to wipe." So I took some toilet paper and began the long, grueling process. I had found that there is an inverse relationship between how long it takes the poop to come out, and how long you must wipe. Miraculously, the first wipe I used came out pristine. I had thought that this absolutely perfect poop would be ruined by a long period of wiping, but not so! I probably spent less than 20 seconds in the bathroom, but when I came out, I felt renewed, and much, much, lighter.

flubber's picture

The shit of my career came when I was about 16. I sat on the toilet and crapped for about 5 or 6 minutes. I could feel each one pop out of my anus.
When I had finished i looked in to the toilet. The turds were all lined up in the bowl diagonally floating on the top. I have never done that since.
I was very proud of that one!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I remember one awesome poop that I had. Although I'm only 18, I am sure that there are many more to come. Anyways:

I hadn't pooped for days, so I was beginning to become very built up. When the time came, my poop was so long that it went down the hole in one very long piece. When I was done, the section that I could see was approximately 20" long, with atleast 5-10" in the whole. Good times.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Many people new to this site have not yet contributed to this thread. Reach back into your memories and pull out your most outstanding bowel exploit. I still think back with awe to my own: at a long meeting, I felt the urge getting fairly strong, but I just wanted to get home, so when the meeting was finally over, I didn't go at the meeting site but got into the car and drove. The urge got stronger in spite of numerous powerful farts. The drive home was about 25 minutes--a long time in the circumstances. When I got home, I went straight to the bathroom and, pushing hard, unloaded possibly my most massive turd ever--just one, at least 18" long (likely more, couldn't see all of it) and 1.5" thick, about a 2 on the Bristol Stool Scale. What a relief! Not even much to wipe. I just sat there afterwards and relaxed for a bit.

Anonymous Coward's picture

After having just talked to my brother on the phone and him telling me about his biggest career shit, I stumbled on this thread. He had been to Paris for a week and ate a lot of that white bread they eat there. He hadn't relieved himself for over a week when he came home but didn't think about it, until he felt some movements in the basement, so to speak. He went to the toilet but soon realised he was severly constipated. The load was so big it just couldn't get out. He blacked out several times, threw up, and spent 6.5 hours in the bathroom. His wife called medics for advice who tried to convince my brother he needed an ambulance and a quick transport to hospital before something serious happened. He refused and his wife went to the pharmacy for some laxatives. In the meantime my brother placed himself in the bathtub, still throwing up and blacking out as the giant turd tried to make its way out. Laxatives arrived but the turd was blocking the entrance to his intestines and it sure wouldn't retreat to where it came from either. After a while the laxatives started to take effect and slowly, the turd started to make its way out of my brother, who once again fainted because of the pain. Finally, the whole turd was out and my brother measured it to the length of his arm with a diameter of his wrist. It was all black and hard as rock, and it stunk the whole house out like nothing he had ever smelled before. Don't eat that white bread.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Your sister-in-law was right in calling the EMT's. When your brother blacked out, she should have called them back. Wow.

I have a feeling it wasn't just the bread. It most likely was a combination of the breakfast pastries he probably gorged himself on and not eating enough fiber while he was there.

So, what did you guys do with it? I doubt it flushed.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anonymous Coward's picture

Daphne,

I will check with my brother. The turd was in the bathtub so I guess they had to get it out of there somehow. The whole thing sounded scary, I have to admit.

My brother has a great history of shits gone wrong (or right if a good story is preferred). At one time he left a big load on the lid of a toilet on a restaurant. He didn't wanna sit down on the thing and the lid fell down as he was in the process. At another time he had the ship crew on one of the ferrys between France and England close off the whole toilet after he had spray painted the walls brown after an accident. I'm gonna recommend this site to him.

Loaddropper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My largest poop was also my longest. The most vivid portion of the entire memory was the fact that halfway through the log I could feel it creep toward the top of the bowl and break in half. To make matters worse, the play-doh pumper was still pumping and the back half of the snake fell forward and rubbed against my sac, leaving a skidmark on it.
Not only did I have to wipe my ass, I also had to swipe my ballsack. I am a standing wiper and I was transfixed by the beauty of the toilet trout that had been left. This dump was in the days before cell phone cameras, otherwise I would have a record of that to prove to everyone the record-breaking capabilities of my system.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Wendy's + Lots of St Patrick's day beer = disgusting green poop

skyblue442's picture

whenever i poo i see some blood coming out of my penis,though its not much just some little drop no pain no symtoms its just like that for some months now and makes me scared.please i need advice from anyone out there.

gentle

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Sky: First, this thread is not the place for this post.

Second: The answer may be bladder stones. See a urologist NOW. No, they don't hurt; but they don't go away, either, just get bigger. I may be wrong; but I've had these things, and my first clue was pink pee. They are no joke. Please GO TO THE DOCTOR.

Anonymous Coward's picture

The poop of my career had to be this past summer. We have ten hour days at band camp and lunch is eaten there. There was no running water this year due to a break in the pipe, but there were porter potties. After three days of suppressing the urge, I just lost it. By the fifth day, I couldn't even pee I had to poop so bad. Finally, it was a weekend. I went home, turned the shower and the fan on so no one would hear. I grunted and pushed for nearly ten minutes, nothing but pain. I felt like I ate razorblades sometime that week. I stuck my finger in there to investigate and found a hard rocky substance. I wound up crying while praying to God to help me out with this shit. Eventually it came out, didn't look nearly as large as it felt. I flushed, not once but twice. I jumped in the shower and nearly plummeted to my death my legs were so wobbly after that. But the relief of finally having gone was phenomenal.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Gotta say the best of my "career" came after the holidays. I had eaten more turkey, stuffing, pies, and whatever else for about a week straight. Little did I know I had created a recipe for disaster. I did not name the monster at the time, but Shaq comes to mind, or maybe "the Fridge Perry". This bowl destroyer did not come out easily. Red in the face and nearly weaping, I was finally able to push this creature of the deep, which held on like a singed koala looking for an all night burn center, out of my anus. A quick check of the toilet contents immediately sent me looking for a plunger. This overgrown caterpillar had all the qualities. Great size, texture, smell, color, and I am assuming weight, since I actually went down a notch in the belt afterwards. It was as black as Tobie's ass and rivaleled a 3 lb package of hamburger in size. What didn't make it into the water held a nice sheen suggesting proper lubrication. My delight and relief was further aided by the majestic "van Goh" this anal terrorist left painted on the toilet bowl when flushed. Simply perfect

The Secret Pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

WOW

_______
The poop lies...... A LOT

The poop lies...... A LOT

shitonthefly's picture

This story is a two folder. So about a month and a half ago I had just gotten home from a 4 day trip (I fly for a living) and this trip placed me on two overnights in the Carrb. So I am home watching the Mets game when suddenly I get this intense feeling in my back as if someone is stabbing me with a screwdriver. So I get up in intense pain and go to try and shit. Well about four quarter sized nuggets of gold followed by some pukeing ensue. Here all along I am thinking to myself that I must have the worst rectal wrecker that has ever graced my body on the way. I spend the whole night in utter pain. I tried everything from trying to tease it with a gloved finger to sitting in the hot tub and letting the warm jets blast me in my netherlands. At this point I have vomited also several times and begin to think perhaps it might be food poison from one of those lovely jerk shacks along the road to the airport in Mo. Bay from the layover hotel. Finally at 7 AM I call my girlfriend who lives about two blocks over from me and explain my issue. Up untill this point it had never dawned on me that my problem was in fact my kidney. So she drags me to the hospital kicking and screaming the whole way. (I hate Dr.'s) Upon examination they discover a kidney stone has caused my pain . So they decide to keep me for a few hours and place me in one of those euphoric Hydromorphine highs. After about 7 hours I am sent home with nausia meds and vicadin. For about 4 days the vicadin is working okay and I am holding food down again. I even take the time to enjoy a cheeseburger on my new grill. Well another day goes by and I notice that I have not shit in now going on a week. I think nothing of it caulking it up to the meds. So the next night the pain gets very severe again. We go back to the hospital and this time they admit me and decide that if in 24 hours I have not forced this little pebble of hell through the jaws of my trouser snack they are going to go in looking for it. So sure enough with my luck I never do pass it and at 10 PM the next night I am put in for surgery. They go up my wang with a small camera and this little bucket device while I am out cold thank god and remove the stone. About two hours later I gustimate I wake up in recovery and feel this intense urge to piss. Long story short I discover I am on a cathoder tube. So 6 hours rolls by and they decide to yank the worm from my snake finally. Well afterwords I decide that I should go try to take a piss. I get up and go into the bathroom and force and force and force bareing down on my bladder with my ab muscles as if I were trying to pass a child or somthing. Suddenly the magic sound that would normally alert me to a impending mud baby sounds. Only it is coming from the wrong side of my body. Yes that is right I farted through Mr. Peter Pipe-her himself. Fast forward now 3 more days I am fully recovered and able to return to work. So it is the second leg of the day for me having already completed a 2.5 hour run from Boston to Orlando. We are prepareing to push back from the gate now for yet another lovely evening in the islands when my stomach suddenly gets that gurgleing feeling in it as if someone has been stewing gumbo in my lower intestines. I figure to myself this is going to be a bad one but I think I can hold this one till we at least get south of the Bahamas. I continue to do my flows etc and than it strikes me like a bolt of lightning going right up my asshole. It is like the worst firey hell of a fart one could ever imagine. This fart was of the relatively dry but VERY warm variety. So warm in fact that my rim tingled with anticipation of what was yet to come. Instantly after this I can feel what might as well have been a traffic jam on the Van Wyck in NY forming right behind my clutched tailpipe. As I sit there kind of shuffleing from ass cheek to ass cheek trying to hold this 20 megaton war head in I look at my watch. Exactly 9 minutes to scheduled departure time which means we are already in our pushback window by 1 minute. I am going to have to hold it. So we finally push back and at this point I can feel everything through my bowls. As I push the throttles up ever so slightly to get us moving down the taxiway the low frequency vibrations of those normally magnificent V2500 engines suddenly become he bain of my existance making this holding pattern in my ass feel like firey jello. Finally we make it into the air and as we coast out just south of Miami I finally cannot hold it anymore. I call for a third crew member and as soon as she is present I blow through the door into the forward lav. I litteraly undo my belt and pull my pants down 3/4 into the squat when it begins to slide out. Every last bump and corn kernel in it from almost 2 weeks gone by burns as if someone is prodding segments of my rim with a hot poker. It just continues to slide out. I can feel it solid in the middle with a slightly mushy texture towrds the surface. Finally the flight of the mustard rocket stops and is followed by a few flops of methane and liquid that were stuck to the rear. Suddenly I realize that my legs are shaking my body is cold but I am drenched in sweat. None the less I feel amazing. My teeth chattering and I a sit there taking it in for a moment.Finally I get up to return to my duties and turn to look. This turd was of the same color as Guldens mustard the width of one of the polan spring squeeze bottles and about a foot or so in length. The way the vaccume toilets work on the Airbus 320 though tell me that trying to flush this one is going to me a messy undertaking. I carefully position myself with one hand on the door handle in the unlocked position and a foot on the flush button. I kick the buttoon and leap out of the door and return to the flight deck. Upon return to the flight deck and taking my seat hair soaked from sweating to see my first officer and the flight attendant that was standing in the flight deck to maintain the two in the flight deck rule with the crew o2 masks on. The reason for this is because on the Airbus the forward lac vents under the first officers seat. Finally I only discovered after the trip that this was the work of vicadin that caused my log jam. Next time I need to take an epic one vicadin will be the instigator of choice of course after eating some spicy forign food to taint the stew.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

One should never give up hope of taking a better dump in the future. Be optimistic and know the best is yet to come !

Lindy's picture

Just like Shannon Rae's (10/10/2006) posting, I too have had to crap bad enough in public to take the mens room over the alternative: an accident in my pants. However, I didn't luck out like Shannon. Last month I took a crap in the mens room at the park because the door to the ladies room was locked. I'm 14. I was sitting and dropping in an embarrassingly doorless stall when three young boys about half my age came running in. When they glanced in on me I just said "Hi--I'll be done in a couple of minutes" and that was the end of it. They waited down by the sinks (this was a one-stall bathroom) until I finished, flushed and then rode off on my bike. They were very respectful.

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