The Shit Of My Career

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

"I just took the shit of my career!"

I was a senior in college the first time I heard that phrase. A dorm buddy of mine had just walked into my suite to watch a little television (I was one of the few guys that had a portable in my room that semester) and, as we were watching some mindless show, he turned and ran that expression past me. He then proceeded to describe the monstrous turd he had just unleashed in his own suite bathroom down the hall. (I have a theory that Shameless types tend to attract similar minds; or, perhaps it's that the Shameful cling together for courage against the annoying dingleberries of their pooping lives.)

At any rate, my friend's utterance resonated with me then, and still does now. For me, it perfectly summed up that one memorable poop that I will never forget no matter how long I live. It took place when I was a third-grader -- just your average frenetic flash of freckles and red hair, absorbed in running around the schoolyard to burn off the energy of boyhood.

The "shit of my career" came upon me with all the attention-getting power of an audit notice from the IRS. I remember the feeling as if it had happened yesterday -- and I can't recall any sensation approaching it since. I was struck by a sudden heaviness in my bowels, which caused me to come to an immediate stop. This was no attack of diarrhea -- I could tell that nothing was going to detonate. No barrage of lit firecrackers, this. This excremental time bomb had a long, slow fuse.

I literally had trouble walking to the boys' bathroom. This turtlehead was of the snapping variety -- poking in and out with more authority than most -- and I remember it had me waddling the last few feet to one of the stalls. As I poop-reported in my early stories last year, I used open stalls without a problem from the fourth grade through high school, but my elementary school bathroom had doors. No locks -- but the stalls would close. So it was not at all unusual, therefore, to be walked in on by another classmate during the greater or lesser shits of one's novice career.

In this particular case, no one actually witnessed my feat. I will never forget the feeling of relief when my ordeal was over, nor my surprise at the size of the product in the bowl. For a third-grader, it was quite impressive -- both in width and length -- and surely would have rivaled a grown man's prodigy. I can't even begin to recall what I had eaten the day before (or days before, if this was the product of postponed pooping), but I can vouch for the fact that never since can I remember being so satisfied with my system.

From every imaginable angle, this was indeed the shit of my career. A solid, ass-stretching yet not terribly odiferous or strain-inducing experience. Once I had planted my little bottom on the bowl, the peristalsis became platonic. During that respite from the rigors of recess, I was indeed The Wizard of Ahhs.

I would dearly love to recapture that perfect pooping sensation; but though I generally operate with all systems go these days, and have produced some masterpieces of merde over the years, I may have to face the fact that I have already achieved my magnum opus.

So, fellow poopers, how many of you can zero in precisely on your water-loo?

-- The Big Wiper

252 Comments on "The Shit Of My Career"

Farted, Diarrheacameout's picture

I remember this one time...........I was having this INCREDIBLE dream that I was lying in bed, sandwiched in between Carmen Electra and Ashley Judd, when suddenly, I was abruptly jolted from my peaceful slumber with a searing, gut-wrenching, repetitive stabbing-type of pain in my lower abdomen region. It felt as if the "El Chupacabra" had taken up residence, and wanted to claw its way out---RIGHT NOW! As I staggered towards the toilet at 3 a.m., one eye opened, half-comatose, I was gripping my entrails thinking I was going to die from the pain. As I sat down, this incredible explosion ensued (kindla like in dumb and dumber). U know the kind that covers the SIDES of the toilet with diarrhea? As I sat there sweaty, pale-faced, and cold to touch, I thought I was seriously fck'd up and was going to faint from something I had eaten at this indian restaurant my "friends" INSISTED on going to earlier in the day. Now, I was paying the penalty---BIG TIME! After about 30 min. of writhing on the floor in pain I pulled myself together enough to examine what had ailed me. To my shock and amazement, this yellow, curry-colored poop/diarrhea remained. And OMG, don't even ask me about the smell! :( The smell was so repulsive, that if a rotting corpse happened to be in the room, it would've hopped up and ran out the house. As for the clean up, I made the biggest bee-hive roll of t.p. to wipe I think I've ever made, to clean my rear (which had been splashed to the hilt from the initial rebound-toilet-water blast). In fact, I actually had to shower to get the smell off (I sleep commando). I don't know if this was the worst episode I ever had, but its sure the hell up there. Don't get the sh_t in the stuff. What? :0

Bowl Bud's picture

I've had many memorable turds but this was my favorite. It came out in one quick whoosh. It wasn't a grunter or a thick log, but it was slick, firm and very long. However, the reason I like it the best was because it perfectly bisected the bowl. The bottom of this anaconda disappeared into the white thrones dark netherworld and the visible tail-end actually rose above the rim and fish hooked back on itself. Maybe four or five inches were above the rather high waterline. It was perfectly balanced and had great symmetry throughout its length and was gently tapered at the tail. It was a monument! My only regrets are that I didn't get to take a picture of this sculpture before it went to shit heaven and that my wife refused my call to "witness the greatest turd of all time". What a masterpiece.

holy shit!'s picture

i was at school with my mums friend(shes a teacher) doingmy homework, my mums friend went to photocopy something, and then it hit me, i waited as long as i could so i went to the toilets, "shit!" i thought. the cleaner was in (another 5 minutes) he came out and i prety much waddled and ran at the same time i went in, did a few turdlets and then something very wide wanted to come out , i pushed , i grunted, and i gave birth to poopsie, the shit of my career, it was huge!

steamyshitter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i have had two shits of my career to talk about. i live in Sydney and was going north to Toronto, about three hours from Sydney to my cousin 21st birthday. After being there for a few hours in the local hall, drinking plenty of beer, i felt the urge to have a good shit. I went to the mens and it was a small toilet with only two cubicles. I got on the throne and dropped a shit that would bring tears to your glass eye, it was killing me and i was the owner and i was sitting there and looking at the wallpaper peeling off. After i finished, i went to my cousin and told him not to go the toilet for a while as it needed a few hours air time. Just as i said that, a big bloke with red hair went into the toilet and we both looked at each other and laughed and within 2 minutes, the bloke ran out holding his breath and looking around to see if he knew the last person that went in, we pissed ourselves laughing for the rest of the night. The other one was when i broke my leg and was in plaster for six months, and it is not easy having a shit with hip to toe plaster on. Anyway, i was taking strong painkillers and they blocked the system and i would go three to four days without a shit. It came after four days and the cable i laid could have been used on powerpoles. It was about 16 inches long and thick as a tennis raquet handle and it hurt like hell, i actually thought my arsehole dropped out, i told my girlfriend and she came in to have a look at it and she could not believe the size of it. She still will not let me look at her turds after she has had a shit

Courier's picture

This weekend was witness to a remarkable turd. Sunday morning after a night of beer drinking and cajun food I awoke and mounted the throne for my ritual morning dump. This turd hissed on its way out. Not the rapid fire, malfunctioning natural gas valve sputter, but akin to a snake's sound. This was a special turd as there was not a break or splash sequence. After the Olympic diver-like splashless entry into the water, I surveyed the log. Smooth, more oval than round with at least seven inches at the 90 degree bend, and another seven inches above that. The end was tapered with little renegade fecal shrapnel. The north end stuck out of the water about three inches. Apparently the large diver did not judge the water depth.

Later the same day, after two cups of coffee and an afternoon of automotive repair, two butt gravy blasts smeared the toilet and seat underside. I must have lost four pounds in the bathroom Sunday.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Let's have some good post-holiday turd stories.

Asscandy's picture

This is a sad but true story. After doing battle for half an hour I wanted to see the fruits of my labor. In fact it was the most grandious thing my butt had ever produced. she was 13 and one quarter inches long and about two and a fourth inches wide. Truly a blessing. And as I was about to to flush I just went aginst every moral fiber in my body so I gathered her up, wrapped her in a blanket, and kissed her forehead. "mama's here. it's alright."
but I was young and I couldn't afford to take care of this shit. so I put it in a shoebox and left it on my neighbors doorstep.
I still think about what if?

Ass Bandito's picture

The Log of my Career
It was one September morning, about 10:30. Everyone was still in bed as we're students and its the weekend, i'd been out the night before consuming lager and alcopops to the usual excess of around 10 pints and unknown quantity of bottles. Now, usually in this situation i'd wake up in the morning, run to the shitter, plonk and spray, pebbledash and streaks! But i'd been ill for a while so i'd not been out, i'd been eating bran, fruit n fibre and all kinda of healthy fibrous munches.. Dangerous combination.. I think the thing that did it was the pizza i had the night before, called the Explosivo (I'm not jokin) which was aptly named, hotter than satans bollox! I consumed the entire 12" pizza which combined itself with the beer and sugar in my belly, due to the drunken state i was in i passed out, allowing enough time for the reaction to take place and nuclear fusion to commence. When i made it to the shitter i could feel the pressure so i crouched, holding back the brown demon, i opened the gates and allowed the pressure to build.. nothing was happening except dangerous pressure build ups and the threat of a nuclear disaster.. After 23 minutes she came, i gave birth to the most monstrous brown submarine ever!! She came all at once, none stop high pressure fast moving extrusion for about 15 seconds, tearing the flesh from my ring as she went! I cleaned up the blood and stood back in awe, for what i'd given birth to was no ordinary log, she was a prehistoric monster reborn into the modern world, she refused to flush!!! I left her there for all to admire!! However.. i'd still like to thank whoever sank the log, at around 10 inches by 2 thick it can't have been easy.. That was the only time i've ever experienced the ring of fire, and i salute that log, she was an experience.

L Wrong Hubbard's picture
l 100+ points

Mine was definitely the "Thrilla in Manila." I am waiting for it to make its appearnce in Stories About Poop.

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points

Asscandy may be mentally ill... I like it.

Crack kills

Eight Ball's picture

For me, they're 2 contenders who truly could claim to be The Ultimate Poop:
1) Mountain of Crap: I had that kind of shit that is Semi-liquid, Semi-Solid , like a half melted chocolate ice cream. I hadn't went to the throne in 3 days, so I accumulated a nice pile of caca. The worst part is that the toilet wasn't the classic one, wich is like a pool, but the old one, wich is like a roof, a planice. I spent an hour, and in the end the top of the mountain surprass the line of the hole of the toilet (fascinated for the poop I was having, I didn't flush in the middle of the work, but I decided to see how much I could keep going).
2) The Eight Ball:It was a normal day, with a normal crap calling, or I thought that. I reached that point when you know a little push will finish the work, so I pushed. Nothing happen. Tryed again. My sensitive sphyncter told me that this was no normal crap, but Ultimate Crap. It was harder and wider than anything he feels before (and I hope, after). I fought for at least 20 min with him. When the turd's maximum radius hit the O Ring, my eyes went blank. It staid in that position like 2 min, but for me was easy 2 hour. I normally don't like to cut a turd in 2 but this was an excpetion, so I tryed. I couldn't cut it, because IT was harder than diamonds. I tryed to go back, I couldn't neither. He trapped me. I was crying. I don't remember the struggle that went on, but finally he fell. I look down. He wasn't large, in fact, he was spherical. The Eight Ball image come instantly to my mind. Before I flushed, I couldn't help to feel sorry about him: he has been an outstanding rival, and even if he make my annus dilatate like I never thought he could, I respected and admire him. Like Leo Di Caprio's father and the bad guy of Gangs of New York. Eight Ball, wherever you are right now, I salute you.

Sorry about my crappy english. Im not sajon, but the language of poop can be understand for all who has an annus.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Allright this may sound weird, but i swear to god i had a poop, or more like a series of poops that came out with a green (turquoise) gel... the only explanation ive been thinkn about is that i snuck up in the middle of the night and downed a entire thing of Handsoap, because thaats just what it looks like...

Even in the "aftermath" its like handsoap on the pooppaper.

Sadly, i must say that i havent taken the "Browns" to the superbowl in about 2 weeks

Anonymous Coward's picture

After a late night of binge drinking of draft beer and Jager it will leave you with the most appealing farts and most awkward poopoo cramps. The first fart of the morning crept out of my office. It traveled down the hall and took out the next 4 offices. The offices ranged from about 8x8 to about 10 x 15 so these were some decent sized rooms. This cloud of traveling toxic gas took a long vacation to all of my neighbors. It made people gag and curse my name for years. When it came down to letting out this daemon living inside of my colon, it was no walk in the park. After lining the toilet seat in the office bathroom with cheap toilet paper, I sat down and let hell loose. The pungent smell and tiny slimy beer shits hit the porcelain with a weighty force. The force was so great that the flying conglomerate of shit must have been chipped the porcelain or at least stained it permanently. After wiping this shitty slime from my ass and going back to my office, I had a new nick-name it was "Fart Boy."

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture

What Happens In Reno, Stays in Reno

A career crap actually happening on a daytrip, you say? YES! Picture this: 1999 on a chartered bus traveling from the Bay Area to Reno. A bus filled to the gills with blue-haired prolific pooers (one, unfortunately in his pants, poor dude). The others, geriatric gambling nickel-slot stuffers were using the one, the only, small cramped stall in the behemothic shitmobile. Trust me, these seniors had definitely taken their metamucil that fateful day. Me, scrunched in the seat next to the window (which unfortunately for me wouldn't open).

Priding myself on being in total control of my sphincter muscles, I'd opted not to use the restaurant's facilities when we stopped for breakfast just two hours shy of our destination. Needless to say I'm trapped inside a shitatorium on wheels and not enjoying the experience. I could hardly wait to get off the bus, not because I had to use more sanitary facilities which awaited in Reno, but because the stench which enveloped me was so horrific I could scarcely breathe!!!

The bus pulls up to the casino and while the blue hairs are eagerly pulling their complementary coupons for a free this or that from their purses and wallets, I'm making a mad dash to get out from underneath the poo fog which now is so bad my eyes are watering.

Whew! The fresh scent of diesel fuel, combined with cheap perfume and greasy diner smells were a welcome whiff of relief. Now, I'm not crazy about the smoke filled casinos but if one is selective there are ionized dens of inequity in which to spill ones golden tokens.

I promptly headed for the front-right side of the casino having heard rumors that, in this particular casino, the slots are looser than the slipping o-rings of my traveling companions.

I plopped those golden tokens into the welcoming slot of the one-armed bandit and pulled the release. Much to my amazement and thrill, I hit the jackpot!! Whaa $750 what a jackpot! Second pull--a few more tokens plop into my welcoming bucket already overflowing with tokens. I can't lose. With every pull more satisfying plops in the overflowing bucket! So engrossed in my winning glee and my happy dance, I completely ignore the rumble in the nether regions of my jungle. The loud casino atmosphere was the perfect cover for the wet pooter smelly noxious fumes emanating from my bunghole.

Then it happened, the leprechaun in my intestine does his happy dance. 'Oh, I'm a Leprechaun with my spiky little Leprechaun Shoes and I'm tap-dancing in yer tummy...' Damn Leprechaun!

Me, a madwoman with furtive darting eyes trying desperately to locate the closest womens room. Those blue-haired vultures, already poo-spent, behind me greedily eyeing my full bucket of tokens. It was now with monumental olympean effort that I managed to scoop up those glistening tokens and run for the closest toilet, not caring about the trail of golden tokens which fell behind me. Plopping the bucket o' tokens on the purse-holder in the privacy of the stall, I had the presence of mind to delicately lay a seat protector down before the onslaught I wrought on that innocent toilet. Shaking and sweating I log-laid a steady stream for a good 10 minutes before I thoroughly wiped with the six super-handy handi-wipes I'd had the presence of mind to stash in my pocket at breakfast time. I proudly gazed at my "baby" which must have measured a good 23 inches long and weighed a good 3 pounds. Ahhhhh. I couldn't share my feat with my coworkers. After all, 'What happens in Reno, stays in Reno!'

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

B in the J-- You could have submitted that as a full story!

P.S. to some of the posts above: My mom was an RN, and told me once that people CAN puke up poop, when things go very, very wrong.

Marx's picture

My best was at 12 years old. I was on vacation in Florida, in some dinky little sovinear shop.
It was 7:00PM. the store closed in 30 minutes, no problem. Then it hit me. I tugged my dad's sleeve, and told him I had to go. I remeber the store mamager laughing his headed of as I run like I had a corn cob up it. I went in there, and (I squat) It wouldn't come out. I sat there, for exactly 49 minutes, straining. Then the maneger walks in and starts yelling at me to hurry up. I got mad, started shaking and
It hit the toliet. I will never forget this poo, mainly because it flooded the bathroom. (When i tried to flush) and that when it hit it made a huge splash, thorughly soking everything in the vincity. Including the maneger. I went back 3 weeks later, not havong to poop, but to pee. They had a new toilet.

gabe turnman's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

my shit of the career was at a gas station.4ft.long turds aah felt good.


Princess Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I personally am a fan of those nice firm, big ones that create a mushroom shaped cloud variety of splash which in turn has a bidet affect on the "over-stimulated" butt-hole.

However, speaking of careers, my immediate superior at my current place of employ is of Baltic heritage and insists upon eating odd pickled or fermented fish and pork dishes which result in some fairly impressive bodily functions. We are currently at war. I have taken to eating beans and Mexican foods in general during my lunch break and keeping prunes in my desk drawer.

My biggest problem at present is my nemesis' silent yet deadly stealth approach to our skirmishes, while my own tactics remain shy of guerrilla warfare due to my somewhat more ostentatious efforts.

Does anyone have any good advice?

Hiroshita ( French, sorry )'s picture

One day I weight myself naked before and after the poop. It was far more than I expected. I had a five pounds dump.

This is true...

Shrektum's picture

Mine was about 4 years ago. I recall that I was working alot of strange shifts and overtime so I was mostly eating out of vending machines.
I remember feeling very bunged for about 4 or 5 days and seeing that there was something definately sitting in my colon awaiting release.
When it finally decided to drop, it came out about the size and shape of a small football, and it looked like a combo of a beehive and a birds nest. I remember the pain of tearing ass when this puppy was pushing on through. I think it must've been like childbirth.
Afterwards, when I attempted to flush this monstrosity, it would not go down. It was too big for the hole, and too solid to smoosh, and too heavy for the water to move it.
I attempted to break it up using a metal ruler... didn't work... I decided to sacrifice a butter knife and chop the bugger in half... no dice...
In the end, I had to put on a pair of elbow length welding gloves and retrieve the bastard by hand. It was hard, and felt like it must've tipped the scales at about 7 pounds.
To this day, the girl I was dating at the time, remembers that poo.
It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen come out of an anus, and I am in the medical field so I see ALOT of things stuck in people's asses.

Hiroshita's picture

Wow man, seven pounds ! My five pounds dump was so huge, I just can`t imagine yours....

Do you still make noise when you fart ?

Flatus Ignition's picture

I actually was 9 pounds heavy at birth. And I was a big baby, your 7 pounds dumps was, ideed, a childbirth

Loggerhead's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

MY most memorable dump was deposited in the San Diego McD's after spending nearly a month in Mexico. Not only did it make my sphinky burn, cause my eyes to sting, nose to run, completely fill the toilet breaking well above waterline, and of course refuse to be flushed. It's delivery also caused an unusually long line up for the mens room, which I proudly walked past exclaiming "Man, if I were you - I would NOT go in there"...
The most amazing witnessed: While living in a school dorm my friend and neighbor came running into our room early one Saturday morning saying "Get up and come see this - you'll never believe it". So my roomie and I went into the mens room to the middle stall to witness the largest dump ever seen. With all the laughter, and repeated flushing, soon most of the floor was in the mens room amazed by the impossible turd (TIT).
TIT was the size of a junior league football, and so dense that when flushed it remained intact, while making fast bowl laps powered by the power flusher. All weekend long TIT provided entertainment for many as they came to witness, and watch it do laps when flushed.
TIT lived until Monday morning when the unsuspecting janitor made her rounds to be greeted by a small group of onlookers as she chopped TIT up with a garden trowel to reach it's final resting place. Nobody laid claim to TIT, yet logic placed the guilt on a guy that weighed well over 300#, as TIT would've gutted the insides from anyone else.

If not witnessed never would've been believed.

The Stable One's picture

The shit of my career happened when I was 15 getting ready to go out on my first "date". I had been out with my mother the entire morning shopping which naturally I was complaining the whole time, but being 15 and not being able to (legally) drive, I had no other way of getting to the mall to get the new game I wanted. About 10 that morning the pressure began and I remember thinking to myself, "I have time to make it home instead of having to use a public shitter"

So after staying at the mall for 4 hours the pressure was almost unbarable, I thought it was going to come out at anytime, and I was getting picked up by my girlfriend just a few minutes after I would be arriving home. Still holding on I got home, bolted for the door, ran up the stairs (even in dire situations, I like my crapper > all) and bolted in the bathroom.

What I did after getting in my bathroom alone is worth the title of "The Shit of my Career" before I even hit the pot. With my shoes thrown off right before I got in the bathroom I slid on one foot while turning 180 degrees to land in the right position, grabbed my balls with one hand to keep them from being crushed, grabbed the towel rack with the other to slow myself down enough not to hurt anything, and then the moment I landed my ass just if on queue. Oddly enough after the initial explosion if was a long solid poo that lasted for almost 15 minutes and coiled around almost perfectly. After I was done all I could do was just stare in admiration until I heard a knock on my door. I think I almost cried watching that one be flushed down.

Anonymous Coward's picture

well my shit of my carrier happened when I was about probably in the third grade I hadent crapped in about over a month because my shits would hurt so badly so one day I couldnt hold it in I went into the boys bathroom crapped a hard 16 inch dump and I was almost crying one of my friends walked in and looked in the cracks on the stall he tried to start a conversation that probably only lated about two seconds because of the grunting he still tried to talk and I just told him to shut up he said you must be contipated in thier I said yeah pretty much than other people came in and pretty much everyone looks in the cracks to see if someone was in thier and said hi because I was a new student and then the bathroom started stinking and things got bad then people left and I was finnaly able to finish with a lot of grunting than the other guy finished and just left it was horrible and it barely needed any wiping

The Big Shitter's picture

My career poo came when I was bed ridden for four months after an accident and I had to use a bed pan. My husband gagged so much and I laughed so hard. He got so mad at me for laughing but I couldn't help it. I didn't have nothing else to laugh at.

It was huge and squashed all in the bottom of the bed pan. Had this brick red color with a peak at the top. You could even see where my butt cheeks tried to shut on it. It was molded to the shape of my butt and it was sticky. So it really missed up the bed pan. I'm laughing now just thinking about it! God help my poor husband but I needed the entertainment!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

oh man... my biggest moment was probably the time when i was overseas in a 3rd world country... my cousins' house that i was staying in had a toilet that was missing a toilet seat, AND no TP... This being the case, i held taking a shit for as long as i could... i literally only took a shit twice that week. I had to hold it in until i got back to the city where it didnt cost money per sheet of TP... the second i got to my other cousins' place, i sat down and released... surprisingly enough, it wasnt as much as i expected to have after 4 days without doing it -shrug- i assume it got compacted and that those logs were dense as a mother... but yeah... that's my piece

craperjack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I remember taking the shit of my career at a hospital visiting my grandmotherit was a very hard dump and felt like trying to get a boulder out of my ass it stunk up the whole bathroom and one person came in and said damn it felt good afterwards

PooperTim's picture

It was Christmas Eve, last year. We were playing a game of cards with the family. All of the sudden i felt the urge to deficate...and excused myself. I figured it to be a normal trip seeing as how i had dribbles earlier. But my presumption was wrong.

The dribbles were a decoy. They had bipassed "Lil' Tim" as i like to call it. I was locked up in the bathroom for 45 mins. Not sure what to do. It was peaking out, hurt like hell, and i couldn't pinch it off or force it out. My abdominal muscles then began random acts of thrusts to try and help the situation. But it would just hurt more. My dad finally came and I told him the situation. I had never felt pain in my ass like this before.

Finally, after the 45 minute detour, a HUGE, quick thrust, with my dad on the other side of the door worried and cheering me on...Lil' Tim was born. He was about 1'3" long and 4" wide and i had to break it up with a hanger to get it to flush. (the hanger is gone btw...) Before I departed with good ol Lil Tim I snapped some pictures on my phone to always rememeber the greatest dump of my life.

The relief after this dump lasted 10 felt great to get him out.

craperjack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I remebered another time when I was at home and I pooped a very hard dump that was very long and hurt like crap the front prt on the poop was the hardest but my toilet took evrything down I still have the ahh feeling after evry good dump.

craperjack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Another time I remebered was when I was in the second grade and went to the bathroom I crapped a very huge log that that alomst went down so I gave it a push.

craperjack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I remeber a time when i was at home and my older brother was mad at me for breaking one of his video games and was looking for revenge against me well one day when i was constipated for a long time and i had to crap my parents were out and i was left at home with him when i went to drop my load it was the biggest and hardest thing i remeber ever crappedwhile just beginning to evacuate this monster my older brother came in and said does it hurt and lauphed he then he came closer to me and i said please not now wait until i am finished but he said no and came over and punced me in the fave and threw wet paper towels at me and then i started crying not only because his hits hurt but because my huge log was hurting coming out it finnally came ou and i wiped when i left the bathroom my brother was waiting for me and and beat me up i was pretty defenless because he was much taller and and stronger and my ass was hurting from crapping and he finnally stopped after my mouth and nose started bleading.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Craperjack, that is the longest sentence in the world. ;)

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Eaglenation's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I need to take a dump right now, after reading that.

Crappo Marx's picture

Not a job, but an adventure...
Years ago I was a young airline pilot flying between the US and Europe. I had a serious stomach ache after eating what I term "experimental food" the night before. After I arrived at the airport, a terrible pain escalated to unbelievable proportions. I became frightened, excused myself from the crew and proceeded to the nearest washroom.

The stalls were all pay toilets, and since I had no local coins, I didn't know what to do!
I felt like I was going to explode!

After three attempts, I finally broke down the stall door, (those in Switerland are very strong). Sadly, I destroyed the coin lock, but I had no choice.

After entering the stall, I found that only one door hinge was still attached. In terrible angony, in a frenzy, I unhooked my belt, dropped my trousers and underwear.
I didn't make it exactly. Before I was able to sit down...

Unmentionable material exited my body like a geyer virtually painting the back wall of the stall, the floor and the formerly white porcelain commode. What a disgusting mess! That wasn't the end of it however.

Still somewhat standing, a large chunk of waste departed from my mortal body and fell directly into my uniform pants. The underwear was ruined and the stuff looked like it had gotten into my socks. My flight was to leave in 20 minutes. What to do? I had to improvise.

Thankfully, right outside the stall was my wheeled suitcase. Since this washroom wasn't in a public area, I didn't worry about visitors.

After removing my waste laden pants, I took off my shoes, socks and underwear. My shoes were okay, so I reached into my bag to get a change of clothing. I stuffed all the soiled clothing into a trash recepticle. After I cleaned myself, I discovered the back of my shirt was stained from the blowback of the backside explosion. I took off the shirt, removing my wings, nameplate and shoulder boards. I tore out the tag in the shirt with my name on it tossing that too into the pile of ruined clothing now in the trash.

I took a few minutes to throughly clean myself with available soap and water plus a disinfectant spray I carry for hygenie while travelling.

I put myself right by donning a new clean shirt, underwear, pants and socks. I was luckly that I left my jacket and hat on the hook on the wall since I didn't have extras of those with me.

I replaced all my regalia, washed my face, combed my hair and got ready to leave the washroom to fly home.

I will never forget the sight of that ruined commode stall! There was waste everywhere obviously left by a man in despiration. A fireman's hose would be necessary to clean the washroom plus a lot of bleach and elbow grease.
Condeming it would have been a good idea!

Just as I was leaving, a policeman entered the washroom. The odor almost knocked him over. He noticed immediately the broken door of the stall hanging on by one hinge. His eyes could not accept what he saw, his mouth flew open in amazement. Looking at me in my smart and clean new uniform, he asked me, Who did that? I replied, I don't know. It must have been an Indian Airlines pilot. Peering into the rubbish bin I remarked...Hey look, he left his uniform in here!

The officer looked at me and asked how could a person do such a thing? I said, just look around for a pilot with no pants and then you will find the culprit. He replied he didn't care, after all, he didn't have to clean up the mess.

When I returned to the same place a week later, the washroom had been repaired minus the coin locks for the stalls. Apparently someone had enough sense to consider that in case of emergency, locks would not keep out distessed patrons.

Bottom line: Always carry a spare set of clothing wherever you go!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Crappo. Please consider writing this episode up in more detail and submitting it to Dave as a story. With all your years of experience, you must be a treasure trove of stories of things gone awry in the Fecal Skies. Please consider writing them up for poopsterity. But in any case, thanks for this.


The Hot Karler's picture

I don't know where i should post my story.. I am a new member but I guess the tale of The Hot Karler will go here. I was at my house one night drinking with my buddies when all of a sudden I realized how much a a douche rag one of my roomates is... For purposes of this story i will refer to him as domeshot. Anyways Domeshot plays computer games all day in fact I can't tell you the last time i saw him but i can always hear him talking to his internet girlfriends. Well Domeshot had passed out in his room one night after me and my other roomate had just polished off a liter of cuervo. My friends and I have always talked about giving someone a hot karl.. which has many definitions.. but we derfine it as pooping in a tubesock and hitting someone in the face with it. Anyhow I snuck up the stairs with my friend who had his camera phone.. I busted into domeshot's room and repeatedly pummeled him with poop sock in the face. I repeated this 3 different times throughout the night befor he realized what had happened. About 5 am rolls around and i'm passed out in bed with my girlfriend.. all of a sudden i hear domeshots knocking on my door telling me he wants to talk to me. I told him to get the fuck away and that i was sleeping. Then I hear the police in my hallway asking me to come speak with them. What the fuck? how gay can domeshots be? he actually called the police for getting hit in the face with a poop sock. Hahaha anyways the police were actually more pissed at him for calling them at 5 am for a hot karling on clinton st. I've never heard or seen any pictures of someone actually getting a hot karl. If there is anyone else out there who has joined this elite club of Hot Karlers please contact me.

The Hot Karler

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Isn't a hot carl when you take a dump on someone's chest? If so, then this probably isn't the site for that. It's not a fetish site.

But I do hope you find other karlers out there. Good luck and all.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Mr Intolerance's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

No Daph, thats called a Cleveland Steamer where I come from, usually done on a crisp fall evening so the steam rises above the chest.
I love ice cream and cheese, but they don't love me back.

Honest honey, I took my pills...

Xaolin shitter's picture

I was in my mid teens when my ca-REAR movement happened. I'd had boiled dinner (lotsa cabbage), baked beans, brussel sprouts, and an enormous milkshake for dinner. When I got home, I had a spam sandwich, and drank a glass of milk that had been sitting out for a couple hours. In the morning I ate nearly all of a box of BooBerry cereal, 1/2 lb of bacon, more spam, and all the leftover Easter candy I had saved. Around noon I felt the approach of the Turd Train, and went to the boy's room. I passed a behemoth the size of a soda can in diameter and nearly two feet long. It was a color you never see in your box of 64 crayola crayons, and smelled like nothing I've ever smelt since. I used all the paper in the dispenser to clean up with, and still its ugly brownish-blue-green head rose nearly to the top of the bowl. I didn't flush it, because I knew that others would be in awe of such a megalith of merde. Fortunately I didn't own up to it either. Later some poor slob tried to flush it, and it slithered over the top of the bowl, and gross grayish colored water covered the floor and ran out the door. The principal was NOT happy. Neither were the janitors. Today it would have rated an EPA cleanup, but in the 60s they just mopped, and mopped, and mopped...

The fecal bandit's picture

For about 6 1/2 years I have devolved into a heroin crazed junky. As you may know ornot Heroin supresses the speed and efficiancy of the digestive track. So,times I would go weeks on end without taking a single rabbit turd sized dropping. However, nature will always find a way no matter how painfull. About one hour after eating some spicy indian food for lunch, I could feel my bowels rumble, this time it was no drill. I expcained to my boss not to expect me back for at tleat one hour. I left the srore for fear that mt crush SAndy , mu cooworker might make a large dea out of this situation,, SO I went accross the street to the Mc.Donalds latrine. It felt like all eyez were on me as I clenched my buttocks in some weak attempt to hold back the inevitable brown baby boy I was about to concieve.It was nothing like you would have expected, my sphincter could not dialate to the size thid dump requred,it felt like a midevil spiked club forcing its way throughmy colon, the pain so unbearable I blackout at least 3 time.I finally hadthe culptrete half way out when It feltas if it appeared to rotate the other direction ripping my anus worse tha, when Papa Bear and his crew gave me a train filled with anacondas each more robust and mre petfified than the las, I suddenly prayed to god that this skiped club would be as satisfying as the anacondas (at least they cuddled and held me after word) My O rings already ruptured from the damage caused by p bear and his crew as I sqeeeezed so hardthe club finally ripped itself ot and plunked spashing toilet water back up. This was an olive colored demon, who se confirmed dimenstionsions were easily the diameter of a saguaro cactus and length of a Mlb regulation B-Ball bat. Needless to say it did not flush, I hid my trophy with an out if order sign ,hoping it would soon disintigrate into poop stew, a steamy liquid which would eventually submit to the flush, it stayed rock solid and evenen grew bigger absorbing some of the water. I was left with only two options to avoid the ridiclue that would comi if anyone discovered this mutant turd. One if the guiness book of World records had a record and possible prize money for sucha bohemoth swelling rirge of feces ( my weight before the turd was approx 178 I know eughed a meager 171, a 7 pounder, that had to be record in weight if not idametr and legth, The editors at guiness were repulsed at such a horribe travesty and in no way did it reccomend the record books image of whole some fun records, Papa bear could't even get his massive back phalus published fpr the same reason, they treated legal action for the pictures of jy turd whcih I I now named the sunken barge. My next choice was to snaek some devices from kitchen duty, ruturn to the infanmous throne and begin slowly sawng the barge into smaller more flushable peices due to it's massive and solid girth, required a more suitible chopping blade, which I fasioned out of my tooth bruch melted toa sarp trianglular piece of broken glass. After several hours of back breaking labor the snaller peices finally began to flush. However I willl never forge4t such a biblical sized solid mass of compacted waste, I could could even spot some corn kennals even though it had been about 8 monthes sice I consumed corn. While I hope this will be thr most agonizing object to challenge my rearend, those who have heard the tale have been inspired, while I do thi not condone these action two young men fro arizona named Brianaw and Brain Katz are conctatly challenging the
so called record, Katz is curenlty undergoing a variety or painfull sugeries to try and remove the thwo thorned pineapples from their rectum, while LAw is more interested holding back natures urges so hee will one day become the unnofficial winner of largest heaviest longest poop. GFood luck to them both, but take care.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

I am truly humbled by the shit of this post. I fear that I have yet to have such a memorable movement. In keeping with the current trend of proclaiming one's victimhood over all offenses (both real and imagined) I hereby proclaim myself to be fecalohistorically impaired. I've never passed a poop worthy of being a career shit. Surely there must be a gov't sponsored program to assist me!

Anonymous Coward's picture

i just had my carear shit. that bastard i work for docked me for time out of the building when i went to pick up his fuckin lunch for him. the bastard. i went to the mall after work and saw his b-fuckin-mw in the last row. it was still there when i went out agian. so i took a shit in his back seat. that'll teach the asshole.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Wow. Props for actually COMBINING shit and career! I can't believe you'd not be on the clock to get the boss' lunch; that sucks! While I can't condone your turd terrorism, I understand it.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

Anonymous Coward, you really believe in putting the BM in BMW.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

The most memorable shit of my career came in late January 2000. I got up, did my moring routine (breakfast, coffee, news, then get ready for work). While getting ready to go to work, I suddenly had a very strong / distinct urge to drop a duce. I went in sat down, the thing slid out like butter. It took less than 20 seconds,and I was done. This turd required no toilet paper. I raised my PJ's then admired my masterpiece. I laid a 9 inch long, by 2 inch thick, corncob. It was almost perfectly smooth, and a rich golden brown. I looked at it for about 30 seconds, before sending it to it's death. I flushed, the water raced in around it, but this monster was not going down without a fight. As the water swirled straight down at it, it finally slipped out of sight.... only to get stuck in the trap. So, out came my very unique turd chopper, a flexible three foot long, hardened piece of steel. I ran the flexible chopper up the trap to fish my giant turd back down to the bowl to be broken up. I must have moved it just so, all the built up pressure in the bowl pulled my giant log through the trap. With one giant thump, the shit of my career went into the record books. Since then, I have almost matched it many times, but just almost.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture

In the summer of 2001 I was a roofer. That is untill I fell 22 feet off of the roof. I had crushed my right hip and shoulder and was laid up in the hospital for three weeks. Anyone who has been in that condition can tell you that some pain killers(believe me they kept me in the clouds) will cause you to get plugged up. After three weeks in the hospital(and no dump) I was sent to a rehabilitation facility. My first two days there I practically lived on the john as it was really painful to get up. Pushing and forcing it out was out of the question becouse any use of muscle at that time would literally cause me to pass out from pain. My gut was so full I felt pregnant and miserable. I finally told one of the nurses at the facility and she smiled at me and said"I have just the thing for that" She came back with a small plastic cup with a white gooey liqiud and said "Drink up".So I did. Things were just the same untill right before dinner. My gut started to make a boiling sound and I knew I had better make my way to the john. This was happening way to quick. Picture this bandaged,half baked,guy in a wheelchair doing 90 up the hall almost running over several senior citizenz in the process. For a guy with only one side of his body functional at the time,I was out of that chair and on the john setting some kind of gimp record for speed. There was no pushing involved,More like an explosion. I actually had to flush twice. The coolest thing though,and something I have never felt since was when I was finished I actually felt "High" and couldnt quit smiling and laughing the rest of the night.

fartin martin's picture

I was sick all last week with a stomack bug. I puked at least 40 times from Monday to Wensday. Thursday the shits hit hard. I had just dragged my sorry ass out of bed when I felt a terrible cramping starting. I just made it to the crapper when this gross grayish liquid shit just started drizzling out. It stopped, I wiped, and the cramps hit agin. Shit just sprayed out like a broke fire hidrant. This went on till noon. My ass was so damn sore I felt like I'd wiped with steel wool. I took a couple Immoddium and went back to bed. I woke up a while later with shit running out on the bed. I took two more immoddium. I got the bed cleaned up and had to shit agin. I made it to the can this time, and had the drizzling shits under high pressure agin. I took some more immoddium, bout 4 this time. An hour later I was shitting agin. I took 2 more immoddium. That was the end of my shits. Nothing more happened til Saturday. I got up, felt allmost human. I had to shit so I went to the can. I could feel it turtleing out, but only so far before it slid in agin. Finally I pushed as hard as I could. It thought my asshole was going to fall out. I sware it ripped. The log was a good 18 inchs long. It was as big as the biggest part of my forarm. And I have big arms. It felt like I was giving birth to a cinderblock. My ass still is sore. I am never taking so much immoddium agin.
(sorry bout the speeling - I couldnt spell shit with a mouthful.)_

Shannon Rae's picture

The "shit of my career" came during my two day drive home for the holidays from college. I don't know what it is, but although I was an honors student, final papers and exams worried me--especially in my freshman year. I had gone five days without going and two hours after my last exam I packed up my small Chevy for my lengthy drive from Denver to Chicago on I-80.

I would stop every couple of hours at a rest stop to pee; because it was December the seats were cold in many cases and as much as possible I tried not to spend too much time on the toilet. At one rest stop in central Nebraska at 1 a.m. the womens side as closed due to a plumbing problem, but I had to pee so bad I couldn't wait for another 30 miles so I went into the mens. There were no doors on the stalls so I choose the farthest one and took one very satisfying pee. When I went ot wipe, there was not toilet paper so I walked my jeans three stalls down in order to find some. At that point, three high school-age boys came noisily in, cussing one another out and doing the rough-housing that I had come to know from my two brothers. I WAS PETRIFIED THAT THEY WERE GOING TO SEE ME AS THEY HAD TO PASS MY STALL IN ORDER TO USE THE SINKS.
I pulled my jeans up but remained on the stools. Like many guys, they peed in/actually over the toilets and left without washing their hands! How lucky was I. The excitement caused me to feel some bowel activity coming and within two minutes I passed one very large bowel movement--so large in fact that it stopped up the stool and caused the toilet to splash air bubbles when I tried to flush it.
An hour later I felt another one coming on. It was the middle of the night and I debated whether to use the mens or ladies side. This time I used a doored stall and passed some more. Do men's bathrooms bring me good luck or not?

Anonymous Coward's picture

I agree with Shannon, there is a fear or fright factor. As a college student, I worked in a large hotel gift shop and would have to put a "Back in 5 minutes" sign up when I needed to go to the other side of the floor and relieve myself. My boss was a female hating ####### who would make snide comments about how long I would be gone. "Thought you might have fallen in!", etc. After some experience, however, I KNEW I had to produce since I was so uncomfortable holding it. When I finally got to a stall (sometimes I had to wait because none were open) I knew I had to pull my skirt down fast, drop my panties and blast away. Once, I had been constipated and took two shits in a 90 minute period, plus another trip to pee. I knew he was keeping tabs on me when I went in about 45 minutes before the end of my shift. I hit the seat a little hard--actually it hurt somewhat--but the movement of the seat (which was already loose) and the automatic flusher that sensed too much movement startled me to the extent that I had one very satisfying pee. All was accomplished in probably 90 seconds or less. Like Shannon, I believe that determination and fear can bring out--actually force out--the best of our bladder or anal systems.

Dookie Howser, MD's picture

Can somebody explain the psychology behind pooping? Why do so many people seem to get so much pleasure both out of pooping and then bragging about the size of their poop and retelling their poop stories as if it were Beowulf or something? I find this more fascinating than the poop itself.

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