The Shit Of My Career

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"I just took the shit of my career!"

I was a senior in college the first time I heard that phrase. A dorm buddy of mine had just walked into my suite to watch a little television (I was one of the few guys that had a portable in my room that semester) and, as we were watching some mindless show, he turned and ran that expression past me. He then proceeded to describe the monstrous turd he had just unleashed in his own suite bathroom down the hall. (I have a theory that Shameless types tend to attract similar minds; or, perhaps it's that the Shameful cling together for courage against the annoying dingleberries of their pooping lives.)

At any rate, my friend's utterance resonated with me then, and still does now. For me, it perfectly summed up that one memorable poop that I will never forget no matter how long I live. It took place when I was a third-grader -- just your average frenetic flash of freckles and red hair, absorbed in running around the schoolyard to burn off the energy of boyhood.

The "shit of my career" came upon me with all the attention-getting power of an audit notice from the IRS. I remember the feeling as if it had happened yesterday -- and I can't recall any sensation approaching it since. I was struck by a sudden heaviness in my bowels, which caused me to come to an immediate stop. This was no attack of diarrhea -- I could tell that nothing was going to detonate. No barrage of lit firecrackers, this. This excremental time bomb had a long, slow fuse.

I literally had trouble walking to the boys' bathroom. This turtlehead was of the snapping variety -- poking in and out with more authority than most -- and I remember it had me waddling the last few feet to one of the stalls. As I poop-reported in my early stories last year, I used open stalls without a problem from the fourth grade through high school, but my elementary school bathroom had doors. No locks -- but the stalls would close. So it was not at all unusual, therefore, to be walked in on by another classmate during the greater or lesser shits of one's novice career.

In this particular case, no one actually witnessed my feat. I will never forget the feeling of relief when my ordeal was over, nor my surprise at the size of the product in the bowl. For a third-grader, it was quite impressive -- both in width and length -- and surely would have rivaled a grown man's prodigy. I can't even begin to recall what I had eaten the day before (or days before, if this was the product of postponed pooping), but I can vouch for the fact that never since can I remember being so satisfied with my system.

From every imaginable angle, this was indeed the shit of my career. A solid, ass-stretching yet not terribly odiferous or strain-inducing experience. Once I had planted my little bottom on the bowl, the peristalsis became platonic. During that respite from the rigors of recess, I was indeed The Wizard of Ahhs.

I would dearly love to recapture that perfect pooping sensation; but though I generally operate with all systems go these days, and have produced some masterpieces of merde over the years, I may have to face the fact that I have already achieved my magnum opus.

So, fellow poopers, how many of you can zero in precisely on your water-loo?

-- The Big Wiper

252 Comments on "The Shit Of My Career"

Chocolate Log's picture

It all started when I hurt my back and I was laid up in bed for a week or so. The doctor came out to me and prescribed some very strong pain killers. The wife fetched them and told me the chemist had warned her about the constipation side effects. Still, the pain was severe so I chomped down 2 of those suckers every 8 hours. Because I could hardly move I was eating stuff that I normally would not bother with, like soup, broth or mashed boiled eggs, anything that could be put in a mug and either supped or spooned. After about 3 days I realized I had not launched a brown bomber recently but thought nothing of it as I did not get the urge to open the bomb bay doors. After 5 days I was feeling most uncomfortable and I was releasing some foul smelling mouth farts. On day six I struggled to the target zone and sat down ready to fire the annul equivalent of a scud missile. Must of been a dud for no matter how I tried it would not even enter the firing tube. After about 30 minutes of straining to load I gave up. The next day the burps where so disgusting I felt sick with the constant pungent taste in my now rasping mouth I was determined to let lose the stored up cannon ball in my guts.
I drank plenty of strong coffee and got the wife to knead my stomach until she had to stop because of gagging on the fumes of my oral stink pit. Another trip to the launch site, but this time with a plan. I would strain and relax in cycles, hoping the back flap would expand little by little. Eventual I felt movement, slow and struggling but movement. I increased the strain involuntary, I could not stop, all control was gone. Suddenly there was a gynormous thunderclap of a fart that probably echoed all the way back to the sewage works, and out she slid, black as night, steaming in her foulness, cursing my ring with an acid hot oil lubricant that oozed from her dense solid stinking body. Despite my back pain I shot up clutching my raging burning arse and coated it with a bottle of hair conditioner that was handy just to try and cool the sizzling scar tissue. However that giant slug of dung must have been just the plug, as a spray of obnoxious liquid ejected from my sticky asshole in a powerful thrust that I had no hope of directing to the bowl. It seemed to dry on contact with the wall, floor and the hopelessly out gunned turd vase. And the gas that came with it, the very devil himself could not have brought forth such a throat stripping fog.
Never the less, my ahhs and oohs were well deserved, once my dirt box had cooled down I slept a deep satisfying sleep.
I give that dump my career shit award on the amount of tonnage, volume, colour, stench and ring pain

rump pump's picture

It wasn't the poop of my career. About 12 years ago, I was in living in a college dorm. About three doors down from me was a basketball player that was 7 feet 2 inches. We had no way of proving it was him though.

All I remember is my roomate came running in the room, holding his gut, and laughing his ass off. He insisted that I go look at the size of this floater in the toilet. I went and this was, to this day, the biggest log I've ever seen. I estimate it at 12 inches, with a hefty diameter. The only rational explanation for a turd that size was that it had to be the basketball player. I've laid some big ones in my days, but nothing matched that.

The Amazing Anus's picture

The poop of my career happend when I was like 7, I was at my Granny's when I wen't for a shit, it didn't even feel like I had, but...there it was, it was a giant spiral around the ring of the bowl, the best part was I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WIPE!!! thats never happend befor, anyway, that was, with no doubt my best shit.

Doug Smiley's picture

I just took it, 30 minutes ago. Still got that "ahh" feeling. It was so amazing I had to look up Poop Websites. It was the equivlent of 2 - 3 of my usual turds put together. It was curled up in the bowl, covering the bottom and the hole. It wouldn't flush.

It seems I've always had the same size poop, at least since i was 4 or 5. Thank god my hole has grown since then! I dreaded pooping then, because of the searing pain and straining needed to drop one. My mum had to give me laxatives (not the mouth kind!) several times. I had poops that would have been respectable for a 300 pound man. Coming out of my little hole, well you can imagine. I still take very large shits, but I thank god that my hole is bigger!

Goatse Man's picture

For me, life keeps getting better. The more I make my anus expand, the fatter a shit I get. The fatter a shit I get, the more I have to rewrite my records.

Now my next goal is to have a turd that is fatter than it is long.

Sean's picture

I took a dump so big about a month ago, My pants actually fit better after it was over...This dump was also a double-flusher

Hans's picture

At work I am know as the "Drydocker", I turn off the water to the toilet, pre-flush twice, then stuff a mop in to get the last bit of water out. When the bowl is reasonably dry, I leave one of the biggest, foulest dumps possible. I then deposit the toilet paper in a plastic bag and take it somewhere where it won't impact the "visual". It's a hoot to watch the first person walk into the crapper after that.

Jorge's picture

The biggest dump of my career occured to me after my pals took me out to an all-you-can eat buffet, and put laxatives in my vanilla milkshake. Yeah...We were leaving, and it was about 6 PM when the urge came over me. I had to dump. I got in the car, and tried to hold it in, but i couldnt. It seeped out. I was prairie doggin it. I told the driver to stop for gods sake and ran across the street to this hardware store and took the dump of my life on a demo toilet.

Bill's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I feel like i need to share this story with you enthusiasts...
Warning...If you have a weak stomach, then this is not for you...
It started on the day the i went to Ensenada, Mexico, for a trip by myself. I was, at that time, a journalist for Outdoors Magazine. I saw many great sights there, like La Bufadora (The Blowhole), and the Swapmeet. However, Down in Ensenada, their "bathroom policies" are different. I walked up to this food vendor who was selling taquitos, and bought a few. That was a mistake. As i was making notes about the beautiful landscape, i felt my stomach growling, which was unusual. Then i passed gas pretty loudly, and boy, did it ever smell. I felt like i sharted or something. You see, i have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and that is a syndrome where you are overcome with urges of having to poop. What i didnt know was the Mexico woldnt accomodate to my needs. A motel down by the Swap Meet was hosting open restrooms, so i decided to go to the restroom to wipe myself off. As i got to the door, there was a lady sitting behind a desk with a piece of paper and a pin, and she said,(*This is actual dialogue from my notes)
"You need to use bathroom?"
"Yes"
"You need to buy toilet paper here"
"Buy it?"
"Yes, we dont allow stealing toilet paper"
"Who would do that"
"Is $1 quarter roll"
I sharted again.
"Look, lady, i have got to wipe myself off OK?"
"$1"
"Fine"
I paid the measly $1 for the toilet paper and went into the restroom to wipe myself off. Then, the IBS overcame me. I tore off my pants and prepared to sit down on the seat when my eye caught sight of this behemoth sitting in the bowl, and skid marks on the seat. I panicked, and all the stalls were full. DEsperate, i ran over to a urinal and pushed. A bunch of diahhreic liquid came out and splattered all over the bowl. Finally one of the stalls was empty, and i ran in there and pushed like a woman in labor. Meanwhile, the desk lady had come in to do a "ckeck" and noticed the urinal.
"Dios Mio! Fernand!"
"Que"
"Mira!"
"Ay! Dios Mio!"
Even though i had no clue what they were saying i continued to push. But then my worst fears came true. I had run out of toilet paper.
"Excuse me! Lady! I need more toilet paper!"
"Dios Mio!"
I had no choice but to use the seat protecters that were in a box behind me. I stood up to look at my waste, and it was a horrific sight. Never before had i ever seen a disgusting piece of yucky junk before. Then, i threw up all over the stalls just by looking at it. The lady came back in and hapened to see the puke all over.
"Dios Mio!"
"Lady! Toilet Paper!"
"Ay! Fernand!"
All of a sudden, i let out a series of farts, and turds came pouring out of my rear. I could literally feel the splashing. Then, it was all OVER. OVER. Thank god. But there was still more to come. I sat back, relaxed. I could hear Fernand talking and the lady yelling.
"Fernand"
"Si?"
"Do these toilets have POWER FLUSHERS?"
"No, No"
"Too bad"
I pushed the stall open and took in a breath of fresh air. I then turned around to flush the toilet. It wouldnt go. So i just left it there. And that, my friends, was the true poop of my career.

armondo's picture

I tooka shit and oh my god it comes out like a giant log. but it still keeps coming out and now the toiletis full. I'm shitting and crapping and shidding and i have to stand up because shitis above the toilet water. nowits above the toilet line. now i'm shitting piles and piles and then it's overflowing the bowl. i'm trying to flush inbetween shitts but i turn around and of course i shitted all over the floor, and the toilets stuck. so i'm pushing the shitts down the toilet with my hands and shitting at the same time. so then i get some sdown the toilet and i turn around and there's a big pile on the floor. I'm picking it up and putting it in the toilet. Shittin gthe whole time, and now its shooting out like chocholate from a garden hose and eventually i give up and just died of shitting. i can't even believe it. also it wa in mexico too.

The Shit Machine's picture

I never have a single miracle turd. Every time I unload one of those lincoln logs, I fear that I must cut it in half with the toilet brush so that it will fit down. I usually have to flush and plunge for all of my turds.

sister swampass's picture

Do we only post about solid poops? What about Poopee. AKA flu poop.The kind you cant get rid of no matter how much you wipe. I talking Rhea so bad it splashes up your back on impact. I have shit and thrown up at the same time, and this my friends was my most memerable moment on the can/bathtub.

grunting tiger ass dragun's picture

the career grizzunt of doom was when i was 22 years of age.my wow hole was plugged up with a demonic turtle head of mexican food descent.three large classic nachos from fastaco extra cheese and peppers oooweeee.the jumbo grunto was 14 inches long 2and a half inches around and believe it or not icleared out a 4 bedroom house with the fragrance of eau de colon. i shared this brown baby boy with my wife and she still wont come near the bowl after ive been a bombin.

captain colin's picture

I remember my greatest shit after a weekend fishing trip at a local paylake.Everyone who goesa fishin nos all you need is bait and good ol ail 8 the best ginger ail ever.Well onto the shit the ride home that sunday seemed normal until i felt a small rumble that grew like an earthquake.I felt like i was makin the car shake you no when you get that rumble and hope noone heard it well my father did and he asked if i wanted to stop.I said ill be fine worst mistake of my life my stomache hurt so bad i had to release some presure i let one rip it was like cs gas we rolled down the windows and kept on truckin all i could think about was that porcelin throne because there your the king.about a half hour later we arrived my grandmas house i new i could make it i hoped i could make it i had to getting out of the car was a slow process then the porch i new i was seconds away from fate the door was locked my dad droped the key a another uncontrolable fart slipped out my dad said are you ok and I yelled open the f*ckin door it opened and i ran and jumoed up on that throne of many proud kings and shit so hard i almost went unconsios with pleasure thats the best feeling when you get that shit out and after an amazing machine gun fart power sprayer shit i thought back to yhe moment before the door opend and thought oh shit what did i say to my dad that was the longest wipe session ever then a pond at the door it was my father his exact words were hurry the f*ck up i cant hold it no more I jumped up buttoned my britches ran past him and out the front door to my friends house i felt like i was 20 pounds and 9 ail 8s lighter well thanks for readin hope you thought my shit was exciting

Daily Constitutional's picture

Sister-yea unto thee for bringing up two of my favorite pootopics! Only of of my friends will ever admit to diaree so bad it's like peeing out of your butthole.
To date, the shit of my career was a poopin' and pukin'. It happened once due to a particularly noxious flu and I was amazed. (Look , I can multi-task!) However, it was gross, messy, and left me a wrung out, sweaty mess. The only other time this happened was the morning after a blackout Valentine's Day bender. I'm allergic to alcohol, but for some reason I was compelled to drink to the point that, as I was told the next day, I snuck behind the bar at a local dive to guzzle vodka. Needless to say, my gastrointestinal track was displeased. I wasn't even sure what to do first, which end to unload? As it turned out, my body made the choice for me, and it was an incredible experience. I groaned as I felt my bung opening to the porcelian god, and as the groan came out so did a stream of vomit. I turned my head to the sink, and I actually made the shot! But the chunder kept coming. With each heave of my stomach, my buns pumped out a medium-soft, continuous turd and the sink began to fill up with used cocktails. When the fun stopped and the cramps abated, I felt a catrillion times better. Although I have had bigger, longer, smellier, and more satisfying dumps in my career, this experience sticks out in my mind for the sheer amount of output that came from both ends.

Stuart Differ's picture

i totally wrecked my family by taking a huge dump on the kitchen floor. in my country thats a sign that the family is breaking down.

Ben's picture

Happened when I was 26. Just finished breakfast and did the regular rountine, but this one was huge, though not painful. It just kept on gliding out. When that stopped, others followed. When I was done, I felt so emptied out. Never had the same feeling ever again.

Ed's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

this one time i had to take a big dump so i went in my basement and took a crap.the thing is...........when i was done i found a puppy in the middle of it.we dont have dogs so this was pretty akward sittuation.now i had to flush.but how.there was a golden retreaver in my toilet.this couldnt be no ordinary plunger i had to use......the thing is i only have ordinary plungers.im still sitting here with my pants down trying to find out what im going to do.if u have any suggestions please send them.cause its been 4 days.please reply with this message on the email so i know what the emails about thanks.on the heading of it say 'I love poop'.

My bowels do great things's picture

I'd have to say last week. I was truley impressed. I had taken a chinese herbal laxative and hadn't gone in 2 days. I swear my soul left my body. It was longer than my forearm...and it smiled at me. Now it's swimming gleefully in a Texas sized sea of urine and waste. Bless you magic terd.

mgb's picture

It was 2004, I was at my grandmas house eatin cheeto's. I had the sudden urge to crap, I much pain for a 12 incher, the rest were cheeto terd's.

B.O.B.'s picture

Porky I beleive you I have unfortunatly witnessed this before at the emergency room in a hospital in Andrews Tx I thought I had seen it all! If I had only known... There are many things in this world I could have done without seeing!!!

Carrot Tip's picture

The weekend started off normal. I visited my uncle and aunts, filled my gut with a nice assortment of poop ingredients, and went on my happy way. Well something wasn't cooked right in that food, because the next day I wasn't feeling right. This blossomed out into the worst case of food poisoning I've ever had. I threw up the entire night, nothing would stay down. I was dipping and weaving in and out of the bathroom like a sick Spiderman, vomiting mid-air between buildings. I became pretty dehydrated. The pipes had been cleaned previously, and there was nothing left, I was a fresh canvas. I called the hospital in a panic but had nobody to drive me and was so delusional I didn't think to call an ambulance. Even water wasn't safe from becoming a mouth diarrhea. Eventually as the night pressed on, I was able to down a carrot. And then more. Nothing else would stay down, so I went with nothing but carrots and a little water. I fell asleep grasping one of the little guys that night. The next morning after I recovered, I felt a happy urge. Something had been cooking in the chute and was ready for presentation! I happily crawled onto my porcelain enemy and out came the most delicious of shits ever. A carrot sized, completely orange shit. I could have pushed this puppy back into the bag of carrots and sold it in the supermarket. It remains to this day, the shit of my career.

Eric B's picture

The poop of my career came in 2nd or 3rd grade. I had been constipated for about a week, and my doctor had me trying various treatments (the only one I remember is drinking maple syrup... that stuff goes straight through me). The doctor's final suggestion was to sit down in a bathtub full of very warm, maybe even hot, water and try to relax. Well, that did the trick, and after about a minute of pushing, I gave birth to (what seemed at the time) a two foot long "Little Eric". Looking back, I wish I had thought to actually measure it. But I suppose it is enough to know that mom had to have two fistfuls of TP to pick it up and break it into smaller pieces for flushing.

Linda's picture

The shit of my career occurred about 3 or 4 years ago. I had been constipated for a few days - I usually took 2 dumps per day so I found it unusual when I went one day (Tuesday) without shitting at all. The next day was the same but I thought I would probably get the urge to go the day after. I was wrong. Thursday came around and I still hadn't pooped. I didn't even feel the urge to go. Friday came and went and still no poop. So far I had been constipated for 4 days. I tried sitting on the toilet for a while but all I could manage was a few farts. Finally I starting getting the urge to go the next day (Saturday). Actually it was Saturday night when I was watching TV and I could feel a huge mass of shit moving down towards my anus. The urge lasted for about half an hour but I held on because there was a good movie on. Unfortunately, by the time I was ready to drop my load, the urge had disappeared completely. I went to the toilet anyway, pulled down my pants and sat down. At first there was nothing, not one fart. It took about 20 minutes for the big load to work its way down and then I started farting. I felt my anus crackling as the head of a giant turd slowly inched its way down. This turd was massive and I tried to relax as it moved down bit by bit and stretched my anus apart. For about 10 minutes it felt as if the log was stuck and no amount of pushing would make it budge. Then the real marathon began. I had to push harder than I have ever pushed before while squeezing out a load. This log felt as if it had glass sticking out of it and it hurt my anus more than any other log I had ever done before. A few times I had to push so hard that I couldn't hear anything and I thought my eardrums might burst. I had to have a rest a few times because all the pushing and straining was really taking it out of me. Sweat was pouring off me and I was in agony. One last push and I was able to squeeze the monster out. I did a wee at the same time. It fell into the toilet with a loud splash. After this, I pushed a bit more (not as hard as before) and several smaller turds shot out of my butt. I did another wee and wiped my arse. I had a look at my job afterwards and it was the biggest load I had ever done in my life!!! It must have been more than 30 centremetres long and as wide as my arm. It was dark brown and it looked rock solid. It took 2 flushes to get it all down the drain. I felt SO satisfied after that and I was so tired that I went to bed!!

pooper 3000's picture

I was at school one day lunch had finished and every one was going back to class and i told my teacher that i needed a few more minutes to go to the restroom so then i took the largest dump in the world i had to stand up to finish it but luckily no one came into the bathroom when i looked at it it reached out of the toilet so then i left but then later when everyone had another bathroom break no one knew it was me and joked at the massive and said that whoever did that there butt must be hurting but i thout every one would geuess it was me becase i walked funny and my ass was hurting a lot

pooper 3000's picture

another time i can remember is when i was in school the doors did not have doors or line wall sepurating them so then my friend took a dump and sat next to me he started talking then i did but he stoped because my poo was big and i kept grunting.

Turd Herder's picture

This particular movement wasn't mine, but it still stains my memory.

During football two-a-days (three weeks of intense twice daily football practice) one of my friends was squirming with a water turd that was fighting to escape. He knew better than to ask the coach to be excused. After all, who could live with the humiliation of asking a cruel, sadistic coach for permission to go potty. Well his attempt to avoid embarassment backfired.

We always ended practice by taking a knee while coach ranted about our lack of effort. My buddy sat there squirming but was comforted to know that he could soon head to the toilet for sweet release. However, the coach sensed his urgency and decided to push things a little.

Instead of breaking for the locker room, he ordered us to line up for wind sprints. My friend went white with discomfort and panic. The coach called him first and had him hold a three point stance and wait for the whistle to sprint. By now the whole team was trying to contain our laughter at his squirming. The coach had him hold his stance while he lectured us on showing respect.

Then my pal split the air with a disgusting water fart. Sensing the time was right, the coach blew his whistle. I'd never seen my team mate run so fast, but not as fast as his explosive liquid turds. Each step released a torential spurt of toxic sludge. After 15 yards, he was actually leaving a trail. However he continue down field for the full hundred yards, then turned and kept running straight for the locker rooms. The whole team was practically falling over with laughter. The coach cancelled the remaining wind sprints and warned us to watch our step on the way to the lockers.

Adam's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I know of a really good POOP book. It's called the truth about poop and it's really cool

Fecal Freak's picture

14 yrs old, at a frieds house. I dropped a deuce so large and hard it just spun in circles and refused to exit. My friends dad was so shocked and discusted by it he handed my a newspaper and told me to get rid of it. I had to fish it out with a folded newspaper carry it through their house and toss it in the woods. I went back to "the dump site" now 15 years later; Grass still doesn't grow where that turd finally laid to rest. Apparently, even Mother Nature feels the need to pay homage to the 'Fecal Freak'.

Scooby Doo's picture

The grass doesn't grow? what the hell do you eat? eep!

Thom Nolan's picture

Shit

Seafood Hater's picture

The shit of my career, if you will, occurred about 5 years ago upon my return home from Florida. Now, I never eat seafood, EVER, but while I was on holiday down in Clearwater, I decided to try 1 (UNO) Singular Shrimp Cocktail and a few pieces of Calamari (SQUID). I should have known better, I HATE SEAFOOD! About an hour after eating, I felt as though an alien had landed in my bowels and took up residence. SOMETHING FELT EERIE DOWN BELOW! Enough of the backup for my poopie story.. I got home on a Monday and still was feeling vaguely spacey.. that night I spewed my guts out and then the fun began. I couldn't even hold down broth for an entire week! If I even thought about solid foods I would shit myself and puke all at the same time. So, Saturday evening roles around and a "FRIEND" came over and brought pizza. Well, after 1 piece of pizza I was blowing this poor man out of my one room studio apartment with the most ghastly of odors that had ever came out of me! After he left, I sat down on the throne to do my duty, as I could do nothing else but double over in pain. I pushed and pushed and nothing happened, but wait, was that a gurgle? Was that a damn breaking loose? Why YES YES IT WAS!!!!!! I shit for at least 25 minutes STRAIGHT! And, when I stood up (on wobbley legs) I looked down into a green sea of disease and pestulance like none I had ever seen before. The beast was gone! I had shit him out! I had WON the battle! (BOY WHAT A STINK!!!!) It smelled like something had crawled up inside of me and died!
SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL NEVER EAT SEAFOOD AGAIN!

disc jockey's picture

I've relished a good shit for years. In fact I've named the types I have:
Keilbasa shit -- lengthy continuous terd, at least a foot long like a good polish sausage.
Fists of poop -- smaller, solid terds, about the size of your fist. Lends itself to a fabulous product called "Uncle Louie's Fists of Poop. Fresh from his rectum to you!"
Curds of terd -- Little poopettes, sometimes you just have small ones.

I had a monster floater the other day, the result of medication finally leaving my system after an unexpected overnight in the hospital for a gall stone attack.

And I shamelessly refer to the city's wastewater treatment facility as the "poop plant." Drive by on a warm summer night and you'll know why!
Thanks!

time bomb's picture

i once had to crapso bad it felt like a porcupine was up my ass. i ran for the crapper an sat down after 10 minutes of straining: KA-BLAMMO! the gas flattened a turd the thickness of a can of baked beans and the length of my forearm on the bottom of the bowl!

Pooper's picture

I once was going walking down the woods behind my house, as i was walking down, I had a urge to poop, but i was enjoying my time walking in the nice woods, after, the urge got a bit bigger, and then it got worse, by this time the pressure near my butt was pretty bad, so I turned around to go back home, as I was walking I was ready to release it, I started waddleing, and then I just ran up to the tree, and pulled my pants and underwear down, and squatted, I farted and a LONG smooth log was going down! Followed by some similer logs, and then more farts and about 4 little peices of soft poop! after I was sitting there with a DIRTY bum, I had nothing to wipe with, not even the leaves where working, so I just pulled up my pants and panties and left it like that!

Jeff B's picture
l 100+ points

The year was 2005. It was a bright, sunny day in Pennsylvania. I had been drinking this wheatgrass stuff for about a week. Then it happened. I got the urge to take the dump, and it was like most others, very uneventful. I like to say it was "the calm before the storm." I entered the bathroom, sat down and proceeded to deface the toilet in a way that left it unrecognizable. When I finally rose up to admire my achievement, I couldn't believe my eyes. My only regret is that a camera wasn't available. Ladies and gentlemen, this dump left no room for toilet water. The sheer volume of poop had overcome the bowl. The dump of '05 will live forever in my mind.

The Extruder's picture

BEST AS CHILD:
I'm 44 years old and have been poopin' just as long. One thing I see in common with other men is how our best effort happened at 11 or 12. Same with me. I was coming home from school when I got the worse cramps of my life. I thought I was gonna die. I made it to the crapper and sat down. Oh the pain, my young mud valve had not been stretched that much before. I thought I was going to be split in two. Finally when it came out I was absolutely amazed at the size. It was about three inches in diameter. Some went down the hole but the other end almost exceeded teh rim of the toilet. I ran to show my brother and he accused me of sticking two turds together and smothing it over in the join.

The Extruder's picture

BEST AS ADULT:
This was in 1988 and I went out to get a burger at Skats in Dunn, N.C. I was a couple of miles away when the tell tale cramps hit me. I thanked the Lord when I finally got there. I ran bent over to the men's room. When I opened the door I was agast to see piss all over the toilet rim. I decided to use the ladies room because they don't pee much on their rims. I cracked open the door and said "Maintenance, anyone in here. I was in luck for I was prarie doggin' it bad. I sat down and had one of the most satisfying and copious dumps of my life. The vacuum from releasing this behemouth made my tongue recede two inches back in my throat. I was able to tighten my belt two nothces afterward. I looked in the bowl afterwards and say a massive, coiled snake. Laying on top of that was a small cigar like turd. My bowels must have completly emptied. The stench was much worse this time, I could barely stand it. I had the devil in me and decided not to flush. Sure enough when I wiped my ass there was no sludge on the paper and I threw away the toilet paper in the wastebasket as not to ruin the presentation.
I hurredly got my order and sat in my car to wait for the first woman to enter (I could see the restroom door from the parking lot). My patience paid off when a middle aged woman who looked like Mrs. Howell entered the womans bathroom. She was in only ten seconds when she rushed out of the restroom with her hand over her mouth. She ran into the parking lot and projectile vomitted. I laughed so hard I sprained a muscle in my ribcage.

poo's picture

i was constipated for about 3 weeks when i let out a monter well aculerly 4 monters the first come out perfectly round then come the runs then come a poopie that took 5 mineuts but then come the real monster i swear it was about the size of a water melam i diddent think i would make it alive it streached me butt to the xtsream!!!! when i finaly finshed were talking about an hour of pushing!! a massive monser just sat there staring at me
it cloged up our tolit for a week!!

Capt._Jansen's picture

i remember the shit of my carrer very vivdvly... it was yesterday while i was at the mall with my wife, i told i was going to take a big-ass-shit and that i would meet her in the tech section so i strolled of to the bathrooms. i was then met withe 1 of the five stalls open so i shut the door that wasnt filled and sat down... after a min of pushing that mondo load i started on my first log. it was good size in girth and quite long, sfter that passed i ripped a huge fart that rocked the bathroom and a barage of medium sized logs that required almost no pushing... the another fart and i passed a HUGE loag that i swear was 3.5 inches wide and 10 inches long, that required strength to push and got me bit winded, after thtat i farted again and my second wave of mudium logs came.. then i was finnaly done. it took only 1 wad of toiletpaper and went down with 3 flushes.

Don't Use Opiates's picture

I had the same experience as Chocolate Log
After a serious back surgery I was in the hospital bed for 28 days before I took a dump. I was on a air mattress type bed and trying to do a reverse crab position was so painful I almost passed out.
I filled up of those plastic bedpans with a dump
larger than a new born baby.
The assistant nurse looked at it, and me, and said I was probably the happiest person in the world. (She was right!)
She was barely able to carry it herself, and went to flush it.
Even though I was on the 6th floor, I knew there was no way it was going down the pipe.
It not only got stuck but ruined the plumbing for
most of the next day.
The best part was; as she was trying to chop it up, she found a hundred dollar bill(Long story).
She took it in her gloved hand and went running to the nurses station on the floor.
The next ting I know, the head nurse is yelling,
"WHO IS POOPING HUNDRED DOLLAR BILLS ON MY FLOOR!"
She came in and started asking me how often I "did" hundreds, if I could do fiftys and so on.
I lied, and she asked if I would marry her.
I never, EVER, want to have that pain again.
Not even at a hundred bucks a poop!

(even before she gets to my room)

Don't Use Opiates's picture

Sorry....
A month before I was hospitalized, I took a hard twelve-inch dump(normal for what I was using)
followed up by a soft three and a half foot soft
snake like poop.
I was so scared, I wouldn't let my wife in the bathroom till I had filled the waste basket, by hand, with all the "stuff".I covered it with toilet paper and when I finally left the room,
(I had been yelling and crying) I told her I had
just caught my "willie" between the lid and the bowl.
I don't know if this has ever happened to anyone
who still is alive, (as far as volume), but have been able to live up to my name for 2 years now.
Sorry for commenting twice.
-A Clean Noob

Chris's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I believe I took the shit of my career less than a half-hour ago. At age 27, mine came rather late in life. Still, I had to use a toilet brush just to get it down...it was extremely firm and of good color, with much more girth than I've ever seen. This is the proudest day of my week.

butt poo's picture

I just honked out a cabbage.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I had my gall bladder out a month ago. The first week following my hospital release I went first to see my doctor, then it being lunch time I went to lunch, thinking I'd graze the deli next door's very complete salad bar. Bad choice. I discovered that I wasn't at full digestive capability and an hour later I not only bombed a sewer gas laden special, I had the accompanying liquid cleanse. I never had green and red pepper, crutons and lettuce pieces exit like that before. Truly one for the books for me. And no, I don't think I'll be having the salad bar anytime soon.

the builder's picture

The shit of my career was a wet sand pyramid. It was taller than the water. Its not the sphinx but it was close. End of story. You're welcome.

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

Most definitely it would be the time I shit a perfect and I mean perfect question mark complete with the bottom dot in the right place. So remarkable in fact I had my best friends wife (a surgeon) look at it and verify it for my friend.

L Wrong Hubbard's picture
l 100+ points

NAZ-TEE!!

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
http://ppkindustries.blogspot.com

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Anonymous Coward's picture

The shit of my career? It happened about a month after abdominal surgery. As is normal following any major surgery, it takes a while for things to get back to normal, and my digestive tract was taking its own sweet time. The hydrocodone I was on following surgery certainly didn't help either. My doctor had reccomended a high fiber diet to help get things moving along, but even with all the fiber, I was only taking a weak little shit every day.

I had taken a nap, and woke up to a wrenching pain in my gut. Along with the pain, was the build up of some serious pressure in my bowels.

I got out of bed and made it to the bathroom and experienced the shit of my career. It was not a solid shit, but rather the soft serve consistency I like to call "butt-sludge". The end product of a very high fiber diet. The consistency of bran muffin batter. After the initial release of pressure I expected to wrap things up fairly quickly and be back in bed to continue my nap.

Oh but no... I kept shitting, and shitting, and shitting, and shitting. I was no longer in control of the shit-flow. My ass had a mind of its own and the butt sludge flowed for at least five minutes straight without so much as a push or grunt on my behalf.

Now, five minutes of constant butt-sludge flow makes for a LOT of shit. I had filled the bowl to the bottom of the rim and it took four flushes to clear the bowl.

And yes, I did experience the career shit afterglow. I felt twenty pounds lighter, and walked with a bounce in my step the rest of the day.

After the great bowl of butt-sludge career-shit, it was back to bathroom business as normal.

Princess Poopie's picture

Either I have had the "Shit of my Career" today, or have simply had a very interesting thing happen to my poo today.

After days of eating the obligatory I-have-to-buy-books-for-college-and-pay-rent-instead-of-spend-money-on-food popcorn diet, I did a big poo. I have heard about the effects of corn on poop, but I did not realize that the same said effects could result from popcorn kernels. Interesting. They came out whole, and made my poo-poo have polka dots.

My butt felt somewhat uncomfortable for a few hours later. An itchy, burning sensation persisted even after I seemingly had a satisfactory wipe. I decided that I needed to shower to get the offending problem taken care of. While really "getting in there" with the washcloth and soap in the shower, I felt something quite odd. Foreign. Hard. Sharp. Could it be? A popcorn kernel? On the outside of my bunghole? Indeed, it was. I was horrified, shocked, and impressed all at the same time. I knew that this was a milestone in my pooping career. I had pilfered an elusive poopey token from between the dark confines of my butt cheeks. I must savor this bowel movement. It was like no other. Goodbye and God bless, Kernel Poop.

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