I was hungover. I had tried to sleep for a couple hours but sleep wouldn't come. I was in that wretched, maudlin phase of a hangover -- feeling too lousy and beat to hell to do anything worthwhile, but not able to just sleep it off.
It was the late afternoon and I had a party to attend that evening. With an hour's drive to get there, I knew I had to get moving. I rolled out of bed and put some coffee on. My back was stiff. Everything was stiff. I banged into counter-tops and got mad at them. I took a coffee mug from the cabinet and as it clinked off another the sound was piercing and annoying. I wanted to tell the world to turn the volume down.
Slowly the cobwebs started to clear, and I emerged from the shower slightly refreshed. I poured a generous cup of rich, black coffee and after a few sips felt life pouring back into me. I wasn't a hundred percent but I was good enough. Ready to go, I popped a multi-vitamin and swallowed it down with the rest of my coffee, then drove off.
About five minutes into my drive, I felt the unmistakable bubble of a rather large fart traveling the internal length of my waste machinery. It now stood at my locked man-vagina, requesting its birth, its life in this world. I awaited until it had fully collected in my rifle barrel for maximum back-pressure, spread my legs in the car seat and then sent it soaring into the universe like a space eagle. It erupted from me with a grand GLOP-GOP-GOP-THA-ROPP!
"I am here!" it said.
"Yes you are!" I said, as I cracked the window and let it free to roam the universe. "And just as I am, you, too, are made of stars!"
I settled back against driver's seat and realized my undies were now slightly moist. A wet one. Not surprising after the previous night's drinking binge. The usual ass smell was tinted with a digested booze sweetness and a heady coffee aroma that conjured visions of Juan Valdez' swarthy, sweat-drenched balls as he toils in the mountains of Columbia for the sake of my delicious java.
Juan Valdez stared at me with his easy smile, his donkey behind him blinking in the Columbian sun, and said "You have to take a shit now."
I snapped back to reality, my holy vision quest complete, and yes, Juan Valdez was right: I would have to take a shit. Could I hold it until I got to the party? I knew it would mean desecration of their temple. "Hi, thanks for the party invite. Can I go absolutely destroy your bathroom now?" Before I could play the scenario out in my head and get to the part where hapless party-goers ran screaming from the house, the decision was made for me. It was no space eagle that flew from my ass, but a shit-bird herald of destruction. An army of shit was amassing and they brought a battering ram. BOOM it slammed against my castle door.
As far as public toilets, I was in uncharted territory, yet only a few minutes from home. I made the foolish decision to turn around.
At my exit, the light was of course red and stayed that way, grinning at me evilly, as what seemed like a gallon of shit pressed against my screaming asshole. It just stayed red. And stayed. And stayed. Red. I wrung the steering wheel with my hands, covered in sweat waiting for it. My insides churned as shit juice filled every crack and crevice of my being.
Mountains sank into the sea during that interminable period of waiting. Civilizations grew, prospered, and declined. Jesus Christ came and went six times, and even did a short stint on Broadway. All while I was waiting for that fucking light.
Finally it turned green. I raced the rest of the way home. I was going to make it. I leaped from the car and scooted down the walk when the ancient evil made one last desperate attempt. I had to stop dead in my tracks and just stand there for a moment, not twenty feet from the toilet, focusing all my energy to beat it back. It finally shrank, but I knew it would only be moments before it regrouped.
There, gleaming brighter than I had ever seen was my porcelain salvation. I went ass-to-seat. No pushing or provocation was required--it exploded out of me with a thunderous crash. The water's disruption was like bikini atoll. Heavy elements were formed in all that violence. Somewhere, millions of years from now, the explosion would register on alien scanners and they would guess at its cause: hypernova? Two super-massive black holes colliding? They would never know the truth: that it was my desperate post strong-coffee-hangover shit that, a minute longer delayed, would have filled my shoes.
At the conclusion of my incredible release, my asshole felt stuck open and gaping. My butt cheeks felt as if they'd been shifted an inch further apart. My ass, balls, and taint had been spattered with shit and toilet water. I would need to take a shower.
Yet now that the danger was over, I was in great spirits. "Christ, that was a close one!" I said to myself, with relief and triumph in my voice. If I'd had an audience, they would be on their feet in rapt applause. Now I was excited to see what my weapon of ass destruction had done to the bowl.
Impressive. Shit water had sloshed over the lip of the toilet rim below the seat--evidence of the violent displacement, like a meteor crashing into the ocean. The water was filled with gray-brown liquid and half-digested leafery; I'd eaten a large salad that morning. But the real surprise came when I flushed.
As the murky water drained it revealed a large slab of doo that was stuck to the side of the bowl. And no ordinary one, either. It was very gray in color, yet be-speckled with greens and oranges. It was about the size of a large boneless chicken breast. I flushed again and it simply laughed off the water's erosive powers. It took much prodding from some disposable chopsticks to dislodge it.
I stood there staring at it, as it floated in the muck, defeated. Outside, it was dark and raining heavily. We contemplated one another for a moment.
"I've... pooed things you people couldn't imagine. Stealth poos in the Girl's bathroom. I made a man vomit in the neighboring stall. I once pooed in a senator's private toilet in the capital building without him knowing. All these moments will be lost, like tears in rain. Time... to flush..."