A Pressurized Cat Fart

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I have sleep apnea, a condition that forces me to sleep with a CPAP machine. For the benefit of you uninitiated in medical argot, CPAP stands for "Constant Positive Air Pressure." The machine, through a snug-fitting mask, keeps positive pressure on the soft tissues of my breathing passages and prevents them from closing while I'm asleep. Apnea can be deadly; if you're very tired when your breathing stops you might just expire in your sleep. Modern medical specialists opine that in the days before CPAP machines came into use, many of those who died of natural causes in their sleep died because of apnea.

A few days, ago I was suffering from lower back pain that seemed to be worse when I lay down, so I decided to sleep sitting on the sofa. It is really much more comfortable than it sounds. I brought my CPAP machine into the living room and placed it in a chair next to the sofa. At bed time, I slipped on my mask and was soon in Lala Land. One of my cats decided I looked lonely and decided to keep me company by climbing onto the sofa arm between me and my machine.

It was only a short time until the sound of someone's gagging awakened me. Who could be making such sounds in the wee hours of the morning? In very short order I discovered that the sounds were coming from me and were in answer to a stench that smelled like it had emanated in the very bowels of the Prince of Darkness. "Yes," I decided, "this is what Satan's asshole must smell like."

I tore the mask from my face so I could gasp for fresh air. A soft purring sound on the sofa arm reminded me of the presence of Abby the sweet tabby cat, but wait! The purring sound is coming from the wrong end of the cat! The stench that has almost overwhelmed me was a condensed and compressed cat fart!

There is a definite correlation between what we eat and the aroma of our gaseous output. If you ever took a really good sniff of cat food you would not be in the least surprised by the unequaled stench of a cat fart. Even my Vet, who I assume has had a whiff of the flatulence of many species, says there is nothing stinkier that a cat fart.

I consider myself lucky to have lived through this horrifying experience. Sweet Abby Tabby's farts could easily be used as a cheap source of gas to use in executions.

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6 Comments on "A Pressurized Cat Fart"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

They say a burned child fears the fire but I just disproved that theory by allowing the cat another chance to fill my lungs with feline fart fumes. There had been a recent murder in the neighborhood, the mutilated corpse of Alvin the Chipmunk had been discovered on my front stoop, and the cat in question was a possible suspect. I tore the mask from my face before I detected any fermented ground squirrel fumes so I will never know.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

So, let's see if I understand how this works. Cat sleeps with ass end point towards intake manifold on CPAP device. CPAP device sucks in cat fart. CPAP compresses and pressurizes cat fart. CPAP sends condensed cat fart into your nose. Compressed cat fart then travels along sinuses and palate (over tongue) until it reaches bronchial sacs. Compressed cat fart is then absorbed into blood stream. Cat fart then travels to heart. Heart pumps cat fart through out body.

So, Chief, effectively, you are just one big, walking cat fart. Maybe death by apnea is not such a bad thing.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Excellent points Deja Poo. I don't know how I missed this last year. We cat farts are not renowned for our quick thinking although the last time I toppled off a bar stool I did land on my feet.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Tuba Cheeks's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorm 1+ points - Newb

Serves you right for all the times you've tortured your poor, long suffering wife with your deadly ass cannon.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

My dear wife in inured to stench after all these years with me. She could possibly qualify for a job with the coroner's office and help perform autopsies on maggot infested carcasses.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

Hello everyone, do you have a personal relationship with our Lord and SavioJesJesis Christ? The Son of God. For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten So, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. - John 3:16

Moderators Comment;

Sorry but not knowing who SavioJesJesis Christ is I have struck up a relationship with God's cousin Julio Christ. We take communion with tacos and Dos Equis.

Chief Thunderbutt

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