A Pressurized Cat Fart
I have sleep apnea, a condition that forces me to sleep with a CPAP machine. For the benefit of you uninitiated in medical argot, CPAP stands for "Constant Positive Air Pressure." The machine, through a snug-fitting mask, keeps positive pressure on the soft tissues of my breathing passages and prevents them from closing while I'm asleep. Apnea can be deadly; if you're very tired when your breathing stops you might just expire in your sleep. Modern medical specialists opine that in the days before CPAP machines came into use, many of those who died of natural causes in their sleep died because of apnea.
A few days, ago I was suffering from lower back pain that seemed to be worse when I lay down, so I decided to sleep sitting on the sofa. It is really much more comfortable than it sounds. I brought my CPAP machine into the living room and placed it in a chair next to the sofa. At bed time, I slipped on my mask and was soon in Lala Land. One of my cats decided I looked lonely and decided to keep me company by climbing onto the sofa arm between me and my machine.
It was only a short time until the sound of someone's gagging awakened me. Who could be making such sounds in the wee hours of the morning? In very short order I discovered that the sounds were coming from me and were in answer to a stench that smelled like it had emanated in the very bowels of the Prince of Darkness. "Yes," I decided, "this is what Satan's asshole must smell like."
I tore the mask from my face so I could gasp for fresh air. A soft purring sound on the sofa arm reminded me of the presence of Abby the sweet tabby cat, but wait! The purring sound is coming from the wrong end of the cat! The stench that has almost overwhelmed me was a condensed and compressed cat fart!
There is a definite correlation between what we eat and the aroma of our gaseous output. If you ever took a really good sniff of cat food you would not be in the least surprised by the unequaled stench of a cat fart. Even my Vet, who I assume has had a whiff of the flatulence of many species, says there is nothing stinkier that a cat fart.
I consider myself lucky to have lived through this horrifying experience. Sweet Abby Tabby's farts could easily be used as a cheap source of gas to use in executions.