I Dare You To Poop

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Editor's Note: This story was submitted anonymously. What do you think -- real or fake?

This story goes back to when I was in high school, when I got my first job at the young age of sixteen. One of my high school buddies also worked at the same location, which was a drive-in movie theater. We both worked in the afternoon after school, performing building maintenance, such as painting, changing light bulbs, pulling weeds, etc. We would get quite bored and spent more time goofing off rather than working. The drive-in was also the location for a weekend flea market, for which the owners sold beer, and we just happened to have the keys to the portable beer machine, something we discovered by chance.

So one afternoon, after six beers and a few hot dogs, my buddy said, "Hey, I dare you to take a poop on the stairs to the back entrance to the Men's bathroom." To set up this scenario, picture that there was a back entrance that was always open, and then there was an interior entrance that was only open during business hours ( at nights and on the weekends when the flea market took place). We knew that folks used that back entrance, and we had every intention of leaving it there for some unlucky chap,. The chances were, though, that one of the employees who worked at night would discover it and clean it up -- or report it.

I told my buddy to play look out, and I dropped my pants and shorts and squatted on the short landing of steps (there were four leading into the bathroom from the outside). I dropped this beautiful, substantial load, one that looked like a nice pile of Fosters Freeze less the bowl. I wiped myself clean, pulled my pants back up went back up the stairs, avoiding this bundle of joy. Then I told my buddy to come inspect my handy work.

He about had a heart attack he was laughing so hard. He couldn't believe that the enormous pile of poop came from me and said it looked like a huge German Shepard took a dump on the stairs; there was no that this was a human pile of poop, he told me.

Little did we know that the someone would find it, a nemesis of sorts, was the night security guard -- a man who thought he was super guard and had an attitude. A real wanna-be cop. He was always dressed sharply, all the way down to his shoes. They had a military-type shine in appearance. Well, they didn't after this night. He had apparently walked proudly down the steps, chest out, only to step on this pile of poop that, at this point, had been festering for three to four hours. The smell was pungent, hitting you before you discovered where it was coming from; being that the Men's restroom was right there as well, no one paid it any attention, as the restrooms were poorly maintained. The guard's attitude changed after this. We heard he was pretty pissed, although we didn't see him. We had been hanging around in the snack bar, waiting to see what would happen. After the guard reported it to the manager, the manager ordered a kid who had been there only a couple of months to clean the remains. The mess was by then spread all over one of the steps, thanks to the guard discovering it.

The manager's idea of cleaning the mess was to rinse the stairs with a series of five-gallon pales of hot water, because he believed the hot water would sterilize it, so to speak. This kid was sort of nerdy, and after the second trip back to fill up his pale, his face was red. He was sweating profusely, and this made us start to laugh because we couldn't help ourselves. A hot cashier saw us laughing and became mad at us. By the third and fourth pale of water the kid was in tears. I don't know if it was the shock of the experience or the smell, but it was hilarious, and the cashier got so pissed at us she never talked to us again.

The poop was the talk of the theater. Management was assuming, as was everyone else who had seen the turd and the aftermath, that it was surely to have been a stray dog, or dogs, that were responsible for this mess. We did everything possible to bite our tongues from spilling about the prank, because the scenarios being thrown around were just out there. I think one person even suggested calling Animal Control to try and trap these rogue dogs that no one had even seen, as there was only the speculation that "it had to be a dog." No one ever figured out who the responsible parties were.

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7 Comments on "I Dare You To Poop"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

May I remind all of you that PoopReport neither condones or encourages the act of turd terrorism. This story was posted purely for discussion as to its veracity.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

pullmyfunnybone's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Turd terrorism...I just spit out my coffee!!

The pooping on command does seem quite suspect. I also wonder, if this monumental mess was as grand as proposed, how one would not notice both it's appearance and odor and therefore step in it.

Originally I deemed it false because he stated the guard stepped in it after it sat there for several hours and I assumed they did not do poop surveillance. But he covered his tracks stating that he and his friends hung out at the snack bar. Hmmm...

www.pullmyfunnybone.com

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Fake. Actually, if the author had said he'd had 12 beers vs. only 6, I may have actually believed it. But after only 6 beers, I don't think he would've thought this was a great idea.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I believe it but you might want to check into there being two ways to spell "pale".

Anonymous's picture

I love this story and don't care whether or not it's fake. I'm going to assume it really happened, just because it's more fun that way. I would love to have a personal anecdote this monumental to be able to retell on those cold winter nights at the bar, getting drunk with old friends from high school, over winter break.

Awesome Story! It's way too good to make up.

Anonymous's picture

He uses the word 'Chap', a word used in Europe to describe a male person, friend or buddy but the rest of the language (grammar) is American. I have to say it's false.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

I have to say the story was boring, false or otherwise.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

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