Bird Attack At The Piggly-Wiggly

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There was a bloodcurdling scream from the vicinity of the produce aisle. The employees grabbed their weapons and responded as fast as possible but alas, it was too late. The prone corpse of a diminutive old lady was on the floor, being stripped of the last morsel of its flesh by hundreds of carrion crows and vultures. Our response, rapid as it was, had come too late. Our meat cleavers, air rifles, and baseball bats would help this victim not one iota. Rest in peace--or should that be pieces--Miss Daisy.

That is a bit of an exaggeration, actually; rather than a scream, it had been a curse and was powered by the lungs of the store owner in response to the bird that had just shit on his balding head. The store had been infiltrated by a sparrow several days earlier, while a truck was being unloaded at the back dock. The birds can find the smallest opening by which to make their entry into verboten territory, but you could use a wrecking ball to knock out a complete wall, to aid their escape back into the free air, and they would pretend they couldn't see it. On second thought, maybe that's not it at all.

Perhaps they are just living so well they have no desire to go back into an outside world fraught with dangers, such as prowling cats and dive-bombing hawks. A cornucopia of delightful fruits spread the length of the produce counter just awaiting the caress of their hungry little nibs is a strong enticement to forget the outside world. One bite from each variety of fruit should assuage their little appetites. I'm sure they think no one will notice the small holes they leave in the apples and grapes.

If they crave something a little more substantial, they can always make a trip to the meat counter and feast on a bit of suet. Just pecking a hole through the plastic wrap on a beef roast for a few bites of suet is so easy do do that they usually do it to all of the roasts in the counter once the trick is mastered. After all, the meat cutter has nothing better to do than trim and re-wrap the contents of the counter several times each day. They also probably think, "Well, hell, might as well shit on this pack of pork chops while I'm here! No one should be eating this cholesterol-laden crap anyway,"

It would surprise you as to just how long a bird can evade capture or death by flitting about in all those girders up under the ceiling. I was actually pulling for this bird, but he fell to the air rifle of the owner after about three days.

When I worked at Sam's Club, we were invaded by three starlings that held out for almost a month before they were finally driven back out into the cruel world. Next time you're in a big box store, keep your eyes peeled for birds in the rafters or shit spots on the floors. Trucks are docked in such a way now that bird entry is kept to a minimum, but occasionally one or two will slip by security. Just be sure to check your Sunday dinner for peck marks and shit splotches.

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3 Comments on "Bird Attack At The Piggly-Wiggly"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I would like to know if it is legal for corporations to put out glue traps that trap songbirds. When I worked wildlife rehab in Kentucky, I learned that it was illegal to kill state-protected birds, such as robins or blue jays. Here, our Wal-Mart uses traps to catch birds. Well, it uses the traps to catch rats, because the Wal-Mart here has lots and lots of rats. Birds get caught in these traps.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Birds crapping on customers and employees? I thought that's what they made shotguns for.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I knew a Sam's Club Meat Department Manager who stayed in the store one night with a shotgun. He never got a clear shot at one of the birds.
I wondered at the time what damage would have been done to the ceiling if he had fired a round or two and what the reaction of corporate management would have been when they were presented with a bill for damages from gunfire.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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