Ass Exam 102: Chief Endures A Butt Scope

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I was in a somewhat grumpy mood as I walked groggily into the living room on Thursday morning. I hadn't eaten for a few days, sheer torture for a fat man who is something of a gourmand. My wife had fed the cats. They all had their fuzzy little heads thrust into bowls of some kind of kitty kibbles and were making satisfied crunching sounds. "I am much larger than they are," I mused, "and could easily overpower them and eat their breakfast." The only thing that prevented me from taking that course of action was the knowledge that, if I did, I would have to repeat the horror of the colon cleanse required of me before a colonoscopy. I would just have to man up and hope I didn't fall out from the ravages of starvation.

It had all started on a Monday. I had risen from my comfortable bed and breakfasted on sausage, eggs, toast, and jam. This was to be my last solid food until I underwent the garden hose up the tuchus on Wednesday morning. The rest of Monday and all day Tuesday I was to get my sustenance from an all-liquid diet. For those of you who have never been on a liquid diet, the heartiest thing you are allowed to eat is consomme, which is something like water but with less flavor. For dessert you can have Jello, but it can't be red. Apple juice is permitted, but orange juice isn't. My stomach was pretty empty Tuesday evening when it was finally time to purge the old gastrointestinal tract of any residual food.

Dutifully, I got the jug of GoLYTELY out of the fridge. It contained approximately 100 gallons and I was supposed to drink half to two-thirds of it. I poured ten-ounce portions into a glass, tried to imagine I was drinking draft at the New Tokyo Beer Hall, and started gagging it down. Actually, the taste wasn't that bad and reminded me of the sulfur water well I had used for several years when I lived in rural Tennessee. I was told that I would start having watery bowel movements about an hour afterward. This was an understatement.

I made several trips to the toilet, and if my commode had been equipped with a seat belt I would have buckled up, as I was almost lifted into the air several times from the force of the blasts coming from my anus. Finally, I felt purged enough to retire for the evening with the fervent prayer that I not be rudely awakened by liquid squirting from my butt-hole.

Wednesday morning I was up early, as I had been instructed to drink the remaining 30 or so gallons of GoLYTELY between the hours of 5 a.m. and 7 a.m. Once again my bathroom was transformed into Squirt City. I was at the Veterans Hospital at 10:30 a.m. and ready for my procedure, which was scheduled for 11:00. Unfortunately, I was told that two techs had called in that day, leaving the crew running two hours behind schedule.

I sat in the waiting room for several hours and was finally ushered into an exam room at about 2:30 p.m.. My stomach was still a little gurgly, and I couldn't help but wonder what the odds were of spraying something out my ass when it and the colonscope were introduced. Much to my horror, when the doctor showed up, she was young and attractive ... and did I say she was a she? Spraying shit on someone who looked like Ernest Borgnine was one thing, but squirting Heather Locklear was a horse of a different color. What would the correct protocol be in such a situation? Would a sincere apology be sufficient, or would I need to buy her a box of chocolates or some flowers? I quickly ruled out the chocolates, for they would probably only remind her of the incident.

I was soon prepped and sedated slightly. I suffer from sleep apnea so the sedation was very light; the butt crew didn't want me to stop breathing during the procedure. (I echoed this sentiment and said I also preferred to continue breathing.) The colonscope was greased and stuffed up my ass, and a horrid discovery was made: the GoLYTELY had not done its work, and there was still poo in my poop chute. It seems that diabetics have a slower rate of peristalsis than others, so I was given another jug of GoLYTELY, sent home with instructions to drink it all that evening, and told to return the next day. I was to endure another day without noms.

The only thing I ingested on Wednesday that resembled food in any way was a ten-ounce glass of apple juice ... the juice and another tanker truck of GoLYTELY; however,I felt confident that my insides would be pristine for Thursday's hosepipe invasion.

I was disappointed that Heather Locklear was not the physician performing the procedure on Thursday. At the risk of sounding like a pervert, having things stuck up my butt by Heather is a more pleasant experience--or at least a less unpleasant experience--than having the procedure done by a man.

My Thursday doctor looked like Jonathan Winters and the procedure was slightly uncomfortable, thanks to the light level of sedation used. But no polyps were found, and my shitter is not scheduled for another invasion for five more years. I can hardly wait.

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12 Comments on "Ass Exam 102: Chief Endures A Butt Scope"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Unfortunately I have since been informed that I have an excessively long colon and even though the colonscope was rammed approximately one hundred feet up my keister the doctor was unable to check for polyps all the way to the small intestines and an x-ray will be necessary to complete the job. I am sure that this means I will have to undergo another cleansing session with some Golitely like medication.

I checked my online link to the VA pharmacy and found that they are sending me an I.V.P. prep. kit. I'm sure, pretty sure anyway, that I'm not going to be given an I.V.P. since that is a kidney test, one for which an empty colon is required.

I hope the x-ray procedure is one that doesn't require me to be stuffed into any confined spaces because that will make my participation impossible. I have very few phobias, I laugh at both spiders and snakes. Friday the thirteenth is just another day for me. I have a slight amount of acrophobia because as I have matured I have realized that when dropped from a height a plump old man splatters like a ripe tomato. My only full blown phobia is claustrophobia.

I was once placed in an MRI machine and was only able to endure the confinement for about thirty seconds before I had to be removed. I don't even want to be in an enclosed space after I am dead. That's why I have opted for cremation rather than burial in a cramped coffin (shudder).

I will post on this thread later to keep you all current on the happenings up Chief's asshole, a saga for our times.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Chief, just last week Mrs. Schitt attempted to have an MRI and went into a full on panic attack within seconds. However, this past Thursday, after heavy sedation, and a bigger machine she was able to complete the test. I have never had an issue with claustrophobia personally. Garfield could box me up and mail me to Abu Dhabi along with Odie as long as he remembered to pack the rum along with me.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Thanks for the info Jack. I may be able to endure an MRI if the tube is really really huge. I had to have a scan of my thyroid a couple of years ago which wasn't even in a closed tube but the scanning device was right over my throat and blocked most of my view of the room. I was only able to endure half of the procedure before I had the urge to scream and the tech, at my request, stopped the procedure. Luckily the two scans that were performed before I freaked out provided the endocrinologist with enough information.

Heavy sedation is risky with me because I suffer from sleep apnea and there is a possibility of my stopping breathing while sedated. Breathing is one of my favorite things to do and I hope to continue doing it for a few more years.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

See, stories like this make me dread getting older. I have to start getting those goddamn colonoscopies at age 40 because my grandma and mom have diverticulosis. I'm doing everything in my power to prevent any colon problems and that means eating lots of fiber, drinking lots of water, and not living on a diet of white bread and hot dogs like my grandma did. I don't think the actual procedure will be so bad, but I am most certainly not looking forward to the prep. Also, I wonder how many times they insert the scope into people and get squirted in the process.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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There is one more unpleasant procedure that I will have to undergo soon. It's called a Cystoscopy. A urologist that I used to see, who was something of a comedian, called it the "Coat hanger up the wanger" procedure. A fiber-optic device will be rammed up my weenie and the good doctor will have a look around in my bladder to see what might be causing my frequent urinary tract infections. I have had this done a few times in the past and find it to be somewhat less than enjoyable.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Yegads, Chief. I'm celebrating my 16th birthday for the 38th time next week. I know that I'm overdue, but I just haven't gotten up the nerve to do it.

On the other hand, if Rachel Ray were to stuff the garden hose up my butt, I might be able to endure. That is, as long as that garden hose isn't actually a Strap-On Tool. Ummm, Yummo!

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I feel sure that doctor Rachel would slather your ring piece well with olive oil before the hose invasion. Thinking about this causes another thought to rise to the surface of my cerebellum. What exactly is extra virgin olive oil? Is this olive oil that's never even thought about sex?

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

flushette's picture
l 100+ points

ON the upside, I can't help but think of toilet seat-belts as a wonderful new idea for an entrepreneur!

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

Dr Scully's picture
l 100+ points

I'd prefer Paula Deen stuffing me with the scope. I imagine she would do it properly and lube it up nice with good old fashioned butter, y'all.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Maybe Rachael Ray with a squirt of olive oil would also be acceptable as our good friend deja poo pointed out. Just don't let anyone from the companies that make Sriracha or Tabasco near my ass.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Who the hell decided to call it GoLightly? ShitLikeAFirehose is more like it.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Who the hell decided to call it GoLightly? ShitLikeAFirehose is more like it.

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