On Being Conshitterate
Perhaps it is the glint of steel in my eye, the almost imperceptible swagger in my walk, or merely the droves of nubile girls that follow me. Whatever the case may be, it is clear to many that I am a breed apart. A man willing to risk all in the name of that which I hold dear.
There are those who would denigrate my kind, who consider us second-class citizens. Yet we are the sober yin to the raging yang that threatens the moral balance of this noble planet. They would call us "Shameless Shitters." But we would not have it so. We are our own people, with a proud and noble tradition, too long neglected. Too long ridiculed!
But no more. This is the first step in reconciliation -- the first move towards a brighter, browner future. The the time for Shameless Shitters and Conshitterates to unite towards the common goals. Towards a utopia!
We see so often the negative side of being Conshitterate: portrayed as cowards, wallflowers, and lunatics! Yet we embrace a more Zen-like philosophy: to be one with the shit. To connect and separate. To do all this in our own, inimitable fashion.
Through meditation and calm, we can achieve this. No blustery announcements of "giving birth to a lawyer" or of "laying cable." We never "drop turds," "pinch loaves", or even "put one's thought down on paper." We simply enhance our mystique and excuse ourselves.
For years people could only guess at what we were doing. "What's he up to? Where does he go for twenty minutes every day? Why does he look so happy afterwards?" These were the questions that the uninitiated would ask, uncertain -- nay, UNAWARE -- of what they were missing.
And thus, my dear compatriots, let us cast off the shackles of the petty turdgeoisie and unite. It is in this spirit of brotherly and sisterly union that I offer these insights -- so that you may know what makes the Conshitterate tick.
1. The Quest for Porcelain Perfection
This drives us all; of that there can be no doubt. Show me he who will gladly use a K-Mart toilet over that of a five-star hotel simply because "it's closer, you weirdo," and I'll show you a man with nothing left to live for.
I was first hooked upon the joys of bowl-spotting in my formative university years. The Library Lavatories, the Blue Room Bogs -- a Conshitterate cares not for these. I was an explorer, searching out those blind alleys and hidden paths, trekking through miles of university corridors, sampling little-known toilets of every vintage. From the gleaming modern receptacle in Block F7B, with their orange feature walls, infrared taps, and ultra-silent flush action, to the simpler pleasures of E6B, next to the Biology Museum. Step in and experience a bygone era, with large roomy cubicles and a massive window four meters above eye level that ensured an atmosphere as sweet as the freshest mountain breeze. Westwards toward the humanities, and the fascinating cubicle on the sixth floor in the east corridor of W6C: tiny, intimate, and lit by possibly the world's only surviving three-watt bulb. I learned in that space the joys of sound, in that sensory deprivation tank so laughably called a public restroom.
You see, my friends, to be a true student of the ultimate restroom, you need to have a measure of patience, or grit and determination. And for all their commendable actions, a Shameless Shitter will seek only the nearest toilet, looking for an audience; and seeking recognition sadly robs them of so many great experiences.
And for myself, I found the best toilet in the world. Gleaming and clean, yet not impersonal, cozy yet well-ventilated, with a low turnover yet within a minute's walk of my lectures. And if you think I'd tell anyone where it is, you must be crazy.
2. Humility and Modesty
Put simply: we all strive towards the fecal equivalent of Nirvana. What some call in the parlance of our times "the career shit." This is, naturally, all semantics aside, a noble and worthy quest for all, from the richest aristocrat to the humblest Iranian goat herder. But we Conshitterates are of a different philosophy to our Shameless brethren. Where they, at the slightest notion of anal flaring, splashback, or discomfort, immediately run for a friend, a digital camera, and a parish priest to verify the veracity of their latest achievement, Conshitterates take a more moderate approach. After all, who would claim perfection -- or even greatness -- too hastily? What price to nuance and value, if every anal eructation is to be treated as the Next Coming?
A true Conshitterate can read in the subtle body language much of a fellow's last encounter with the Armitage Shanks. Strain-to-gain ratio, girth and gauge, the lingering odor quotient -- all these are writ clearly to the sensitive and attuned observer. And ever quietly, ever quietly, the quest for the ultimate extrusion continues, towards a greater good. Towards a true leader in these troubled times.
3. The Development of Spirit
Finally, Conshitterates embrace difference and tolerance. We know that not everyone dances to the same tune, or flushes to the same overflow. To live in a Shameless-only world would be akin to the commercialization of this great global pastime. Competition is certainly a healthy exercise, and drives new standards in the field, but must be moderated to include the concept of the "personal best." There are many members of society who, for reasons of class, character and diet, cannot compete openly. For them, the personal and unannounced achievement is paramount to their continued healthy development. No quotas or bragging. No federal legislation or timed visits. Individual expression is key here, inasmuch as we do not impinge or denigrate anyone's ability to drop a seriously rock-solid turd.
In conclusion, I must reiterate (or possibly re-shiterate) that it is not my intention to be divisive or derogatory to the many wonderful Shameless Shitters that contribute to our society.
What I am calling for is a new era: one in which all can shit together in harmony, striving towards common goals in an atmosphere of common good, bringing about the right to shit and tell, or not, in any way we please.