On Being Conshitterate

m 1+ points - Newb

Perhaps it is the glint of steel in my eye, the almost imperceptible swagger in my walk, or merely the droves of nubile girls that follow me. Whatever the case may be, it is clear to many that I am a breed apart. A man willing to risk all in the name of that which I hold dear.

There are those who would denigrate my kind, who consider us second-class citizens. Yet we are the sober yin to the raging yang that threatens the moral balance of this noble planet. They would call us "Shameless Shitters." But we would not have it so. We are our own people, with a proud and noble tradition, too long neglected. Too long ridiculed!

But no more. This is the first step in reconciliation -- the first move towards a brighter, browner future. The the time for Shameless Shitters and Conshitterates to unite towards the common goals. Towards a utopia!

Basic Conshitteration

We see so often the negative side of being Conshitterate: portrayed as cowards, wallflowers, and lunatics! Yet we embrace a more Zen-like philosophy: to be one with the shit. To connect and separate. To do all this in our own, inimitable fashion.

Through meditation and calm, we can achieve this. No blustery announcements of "giving birth to a lawyer" or of "laying cable." We never "drop turds," "pinch loaves", or even "put one's thought down on paper." We simply enhance our mystique and excuse ourselves.

For years people could only guess at what we were doing. "What's he up to? Where does he go for twenty minutes every day? Why does he look so happy afterwards?" These were the questions that the uninitiated would ask, uncertain -- nay, UNAWARE -- of what they were missing.

And thus, my dear compatriots, let us cast off the shackles of the petty turdgeoisie and unite. It is in this spirit of brotherly and sisterly union that I offer these insights -- so that you may know what makes the Conshitterate tick.

1. The Quest for Porcelain Perfection

This drives us all; of that there can be no doubt. Show me he who will gladly use a K-Mart toilet over that of a five-star hotel simply because "it's closer, you weirdo," and I'll show you a man with nothing left to live for.

I was first hooked upon the joys of bowl-spotting in my formative university years. The Library Lavatories, the Blue Room Bogs -- a Conshitterate cares not for these. I was an explorer, searching out those blind alleys and hidden paths, trekking through miles of university corridors, sampling little-known toilets of every vintage. From the gleaming modern receptacle in Block F7B, with their orange feature walls, infrared taps, and ultra-silent flush action, to the simpler pleasures of E6B, next to the Biology Museum. Step in and experience a bygone era, with large roomy cubicles and a massive window four meters above eye level that ensured an atmosphere as sweet as the freshest mountain breeze. Westwards toward the humanities, and the fascinating cubicle on the sixth floor in the east corridor of W6C: tiny, intimate, and lit by possibly the world's only surviving three-watt bulb. I learned in that space the joys of sound, in that sensory deprivation tank so laughably called a public restroom.

You see, my friends, to be a true student of the ultimate restroom, you need to have a measure of patience, or grit and determination. And for all their commendable actions, a Shameless Shitter will seek only the nearest toilet, looking for an audience; and seeking recognition sadly robs them of so many great experiences.

And for myself, I found the best toilet in the world. Gleaming and clean, yet not impersonal, cozy yet well-ventilated, with a low turnover yet within a minute's walk of my lectures. And if you think I'd tell anyone where it is, you must be crazy.

2. Humility and Modesty

Put simply: we all strive towards the fecal equivalent of Nirvana. What some call in the parlance of our times "the career shit." This is, naturally, all semantics aside, a noble and worthy quest for all, from the richest aristocrat to the humblest Iranian goat herder. But we Conshitterates are of a different philosophy to our Shameless brethren. Where they, at the slightest notion of anal flaring, splashback, or discomfort, immediately run for a friend, a digital camera, and a parish priest to verify the veracity of their latest achievement, Conshitterates take a more moderate approach. After all, who would claim perfection -- or even greatness -- too hastily? What price to nuance and value, if every anal eructation is to be treated as the Next Coming?

A true Conshitterate can read in the subtle body language much of a fellow's last encounter with the Armitage Shanks. Strain-to-gain ratio, girth and gauge, the lingering odor quotient -- all these are writ clearly to the sensitive and attuned observer. And ever quietly, ever quietly, the quest for the ultimate extrusion continues, towards a greater good. Towards a true leader in these troubled times.

3. The Development of Spirit

Finally, Conshitterates embrace difference and tolerance. We know that not everyone dances to the same tune, or flushes to the same overflow. To live in a Shameless-only world would be akin to the commercialization of this great global pastime. Competition is certainly a healthy exercise, and drives new standards in the field, but must be moderated to include the concept of the "personal best." There are many members of society who, for reasons of class, character and diet, cannot compete openly. For them, the personal and unannounced achievement is paramount to their continued healthy development. No quotas or bragging. No federal legislation or timed visits. Individual expression is key here, inasmuch as we do not impinge or denigrate anyone's ability to drop a seriously rock-solid turd.


In conclusion, I must reiterate (or possibly re-shiterate) that it is not my intention to be divisive or derogatory to the many wonderful Shameless Shitters that contribute to our society.

What I am calling for is a new era: one in which all can shit together in harmony, striving towards common goals in an atmosphere of common good, bringing about the right to shit and tell, or not, in any way we please.

10 Comments on "On Being Conshitterate"

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Interesting outlook A & A: a bit like a Knightly quest for the Holy Grail of toilets; a lifelong search for the Xanadu in shitting experiences.

It may start as embracing difference and toleration, but would eventually lead to a Masonic Brethren of Shitters, however - a private club with dodgy handshakes, rolled up trouser legs, strange regalia and initiation ceremonies.

The voice of sanity

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

And I thought I had given a lot of thought to poop...

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

Sorry A & A, but your report reminded my too much of a college essay.

I had a flashback midreport to my university years. All I could do after that was crawl into the fetal position under my desk and whimper to myself.

On the brighter side, I did find a Cheeto on the floor.

What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I think the biggest part of conshitterateness is knowing when to brag or put on a show and knowing when NOT to. I think there is a fine line between the shameful and the shameless and to be conshitterate of that line is to be a true shitting champion regardless of whether you would like to LEASE Yankee Stadium in the Bronx and have the masses watch you OR you just want to find that one toilet off the beaten path to pinch a loaf in peace. Respect is a must in both cases and bravado should be held to a minimum for both parties to be truly conshitterate. I liked this commentary A&A and hope to hear more from you.
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

I'm sorry A&A, but I don't agree that we Shameless Shitters will just head for the nearest toilet. I use toilets that I think are clean, have TP, locks on doors, have acceptable smell levels, etc, etc .. And yes, I have favourite ones I'll use. Being shameless means only that having decided to use a particular toilet, I'll go and use it when I want - irrespective of who sees me, hears me - smells me, if you like!

And it isn't about claiming perfection either - sometimes we have magnificent satisfying shits - others are, frankly disappointing. You pay your money and take your chance, so to speak.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I get the idea that you may hold your pinky up when wiping. And that's OK.

To each his own.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Poopy Pants's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I liked it. It brought me back to my college years, when I was working at the hospital and found a single-seat restroom with (joy!) a lock on the door down a seldom-used hallway. The privacy was exquisite.
Do NOT go in there!

Do NOT go in there!

Frank2401's picture
l 100+ points

__I liked this too. Like Poopy Pants, it brought me back similar memories... Anyway, AA, I don't think a new era in "pooping in harmony" is possible. Some people can't talk about it at all, others will start laughing hysterically if you bring up anything about a toilette, then you can't present your point. _____
L'art de plaire.. consiste simplement en deux choses: ne point parler de soi aux autres et leur parler toujours d'eux-memes.

pooman's picture

I feel its ok to let loose the old butt any where any time. I do prefer a clean toilet over a dirty smelly one. I am a shameless shitter, man do I do get my kicks out of loud flushing toilets. makes me feel like its MY WAY of saying to the world that I have pride in my poo sessions.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Please, next time, write in a blue book following APA standards.

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