Shaming The Shameful

PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I made a trek on over to J.C. Penney the other day. Not my usual place to hang out, but the girlfriend had bared her fangs and said that we we're going. I don't argue with a woman on a mission. For those of you who have accompanied a significant other on their shopping sprees, I don't have to tell you what a boring and painful experience it is. I'd rather have my fingernails pried off with a butter knife. What I won't endure to get me some!

Anyways, after about an hour of looking at the exquisite fall fashions and overpriced housewares, I was about to jam a fork in my ass, 'cuz I was done! That's when I was saved by my truest of friends: my bowels. Yep, I had to drop a mean load -- which meant I could get away, for at least a little while, from the excitement of a whites sale.

"Honey, I have to drop a parcel. I'll be back," I said to my disinterested girlfriend. I ventured through the layaway department, found my sanctuary, quickly went in and identified my throne of choice. Thankfully, the facilities were somewhat clean and pleasant. I dropped trou and let loose my vengeance on the cursed department store.

It was a sloppy departure, requiring lots of grunts and groans to push the ass mud out. That's when I noticed I had a comrade in the stall next to me. Being the Shameless Shitter that I am, I decided to ham it up and let out my battle cries and other sounds of excruciating pain -- just for my audience's amusement.

I heard a muffled cough from the other stall. Obviously a Shameful Shitter. Great! My mission was to liberate this poor bastard from his Shameful shackles, or just make him feel extremely uncomfortable.

After I had finished with my symphony of bowl destruction, I heard my neighbor start to unravel some TP. I did likewise. He heard me and stopped, so I stopped. He started, I started; he stopped, I stopped. This went on for about five minutes. He obviously did not want us to leave the stalls at the same time -- typical behavior for a Shameful Shitter.

My ass was growing numb as a thumb whacked with a sledgehammer, so I decided to finish up. I flushed, exited the stall and proceeded to wash my hands.

Total silence.

Well, since I was bored and wanted to have some fun, I decided to toy around with Mr. Shameful.

"How's it going in there?" I said out loud. No reply.

"You almost done in there, slick?" I said with an expression of glee.

"Uh... yeah." he said. Finally! A reply! I had him now.

"You should have seen the gruesome display I just unleashed! I'm barely alive!" I said, snickering.

No reply.

"Don't spend too long in there, or you might flame up your 'roids," I said.

"Um... OK," was the response.

It was time to let the poor bastard finish his duty. I left, saying, "Ok, I'll see ya," as I exited the bathroom.

When I got into the layaway section (right outside of the crapper) I decided I needed to see whom I had been sharing a brown moment with. I sat on the bench and waited. After about a minute or so, he emerged.

I said to him, "Everything come out OK?" He said, "that was you?!" in a surprised tone. "Yep. Why? You expecting Dom Deluise?"

"I thought you were my boss!" he shrieked. Obviously, we had a fine young JC Penney's employee on our hands. "I thought I was getting busted on for spending too much time in the can," he said, relieved.

"Well, rest easy, it was just me. And by the way, any boss that grumbles over long bathroom visits should be shot."

"Yeah," he said. "They're really cracking down on that here."

After our exchange of words we had a good laugh over the situation, and he was pretty cool about it. I explained that I was bored waiting for my girlfriend. I told him to never put his bowels in jeopardy over some overbearing superior -- it's just not right. He told me I was a little loopy.

I found my girlfriend and demanded (well, more like asked politely) to leave. But at least the trip wasn't a total loss.

So there you have it. I, Ass Phlegm, have taken a step in the Liberation of the Shameful. I encourage all of you to do the same. Did I mention that I stuck a PoopReort bumper sticker on the inside of the stall? Hopefully, others will be liberated and thus drawn to our fine site! (Yes, I am such a loser that I carry around PoopReport bumper stickers.)

-- Ass Phlegm

Editor's Note: I think those stickers make Ass Phlegm cool.

27 Comments on "Shaming The Shameful"

Toiletreader's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

As always your story and choice of words "bared her fangs" is great, Ass Phlegm. Keep on shitting and writing!

All malls should have "luxury" bathrooms for men hostaged by crazy shopping women. They could include nice toilets with reading material, beverages, an internet connection and television. Oh yeah, if the trip to the mall is over two hours then a complimentary blowjob or handjob is included!

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

this is like when WTO people protest by burning mcdonalds. While I agree with their aims, they're hurting innocent people to make their point. Same here -- does it really help this guy to humiliate him? Can't your point be made without being a jerk?

Mad Shittah's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh yeah, if the trip to the mall is over two hours then a complimentary blowjob or handjob is included!

Yeah well you get two and bring one back for me.

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Thanks TR.

Ty, first of all, I believe everyone can become a shameless shitter. It does require extreme measures to get the point across, though. This person did not view me as a "jerk" and had a good laugh about it. Which part of the story am I acting like a jerk? Please explain.

I believe that once people realize that there is no reason to be ashamed of their bodily functions that they will feel released from their silly worries.

And be the way, I don't feel that I had humiliated him. If anything, I humiliated myself (but I don't see it that way.)


doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

Ass Phlegm, I like you and this story. but I do not like how you are out to liberate and torment shameful shitters.

sure everything turned out OK with this incident and maybe he wasn't a shameful shitter but just really a JCPenney deadbeat employee.

Bottom shameful shitters will do it our way to become shameless, don't bug us in the stall. Being in a public stall as it is, is a big step forward for a shameful shitter, don't fuck with us. ya man.

Carlos's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

AP is down for the cause! Outstanding stuff.

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Doniker, point taken. Thanks for your insight on behalf of the shameful.

Thats why I love reading the comments. I like to hear everybodys views on an issue/story.

As a shameless shitter, I also do things my own way. Sometimes it involves the unwilling participation of a shameful shitter. I guess I feel strongly about this and maybe someday I'll get the living shit beat out of me for doing so! Ah well.

crappercritic's picture

i think its funny to hear a person who says he is shameful say, "dont fuck with us." its like saying, " we are pussies, dont fuck with us"..... arent pussies meant for fucking?

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

yes pussies are meant for fucking, crappercritic.

you want to fuck me?

Name the place and time and I will be there. too bad you will be too scared to show up. You pussy.

Kung Poo's picture
l 100+ points

teaching someone to be shameless is like learning how to swim, or perform surgery. You just jump in and do it. Nice work AP.

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Well, that's his fucking problem. Whacking off in public comes with consequences. If anything he would have gotten off on the fact that someone was talking to him as he polished the pole.

Disturbed him?! I beleive a public bathroom is intended for shitting and pissing. How would I be disturbing him!

You are disturbed.

crappercritic's picture

sorry doniker. please dont beat me up. a young and healthy boxer like myself is very afraid of a two legged burrito like yourself. i know you would win in a fight with me. all the time i have spent training would be proven wasted if push came to shove between us. cant we be friends??? i love mexican food. you pussy.

Rodney King's picture

Can't we all just get along?

Pooperscooper's picture

Guys, I can offer some perspective. Intellectually I am a shameless shitter--thats why I love so much. But, while my mind is shamelessly scatological, my guts are shameful. Just as quite a few men have 'shy bladders' making it difficult to impossibe for them to urinate in a shared urinal, I have a 'shy bowel'-- even when I WANT TO SHIT I can only do so at home.

I agree that we need to liberate shameridden bowels, but that wont happen if we make our fellow shitters nervous.

BTW a lot of asshole supervisors are cracking down on long bathroom sessions because they're scared people are doing drugs in the john.

A co-worker of mine worked as a temp at a sleazy credit card company. One day he had to do a pee test and found that he was unable to piss in the jar.

'Ever try to pee in a G-D jar when you're in a room with a security camera pointed at your crotch?'

He was only able to produce a sample after he drank a quart of water.

"I spent the rest of the day running to the bathroom. My supervisor demanded to know why, so I told her. She was relieved.

"Oh, that's OK. I thought maybe you were doing crack.'

Pooperscooper's picture

I'm a female, but agree with you about the shopping. I shop like a guy. I only go to the store when I already know what I want and that's it. I go in, get what's on the list, then I'm out.

Wierdly enough, my dad adored shopping. He loved firearms, sailboats, did some boxing when he was young, but was also a professional musician and got a kick helping Mom pick out dresses. In the 1940s and 50s that freaked a lot salespeople out.

the_brown_word's picture

Hey now, I am PROUD to display a poopreport sticker on my rear window (its higher up for more viewing pleasure) and I dont feel a damn bit ashamed. In fact, the other day I drove past a truck with a bed full o toilets - I honked at him, pulled up along side him, gave him the thumbs up, and passed. It was a lovely brown moment. I hoped he would see my sticker.

CyberPoop's picture

Excellent adventure, but I think perhaps that actually speaking to the shameful individual may have been pushing a little too much. Personally, when I enter a stall in a public place and realize I am next to someone, I start to mutter things to myself (at a higher volume than a normal mutter), usually phrases taken from the late night salvation station like "Give yourself to him and he will guide you" or "Serve the lord, serve him!" - no religious offense intended but it is my way of announcing to the person next to me that I am shitting and don't care.

turdmonger's picture

Speaking of sex what if the poor dude was trying to whack off and you disturbed him?

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

hey crappercritic, you are starting to reveal things about your life (that you are young and a boxer). I guess I am starting to get to you, sucker.

Too bad you can't fight your way out of a wet paper bag...only your pencil sized arms, limp wrists and white little fingers can fight with a keyboard, your so gay.

crappercritic's picture

i love that you think you are starting to get to me doniker. it is you who are always asking why i am so mean to you. i believe that it is i that get to you..

"Name the place and time and I will be there. too bad you will be too scared to show up. You pussy"

that sounds more like the sweaty skidmark i love to annoy. as far as me being so gay...

"yes pussies are meant for fucking, crappercritic.

you want to fuck me?"

so are we to understand that you are gay, AND attracted to young boxers??

i love the little emails you send me as well.... very scary stuff.

i have to go to the store now. i will think about you as i pass the free electric wheelchair cart, you morbidly obese hangnail.

Silencer's picture

I think the issue here is respect. Respect for ones privacy. I'm what you Shameless bastards would call a shameful shitter except I dont go into a public bathroom with feelings of guilt or inadequacy or paranoia. I just go in make chocolate milk soup or the pickles in a jar special and big deal. Interaction should be strictly forbidden, and with shameless shitters like Ass Phlem running around trying to "liberate" others there should be signs on the walls forbidding any interaction between stalls and perhaps even bathroom attendants to fine and ban "shit talking" offenders. Its not about being "free" to shit with one another, its about not wanting to partake in "nasty smelling shit parties" that you shameless bastards obviously enjoy. I suggest if you feel so obliged to communicate in a bathroom stall then bring a pen and write something on the wall. I worked in a cannerie in Alaska this past summer and they had this perfect idea for you shameless shitters. Each public stall had small kid-sized chalk boards and chalk so that each shitter of the day could draw or write whatever was on his mind at the time. I think they need to put chalk boards everywhere and give people that feel the need to talk in stalls something better to do. Plus the sound of someone writing with chalk solves the dilemma of having to make that sometimes embarassing "I'm in this stall" cough to warn oncomers. Either that or louder music in bathrooms

poopyhead's picture

AP what you did was funny! , you should make a movie. after reading all your stories, this one finally made me laugh out loud.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

This is definately a laugh out loud tale!

I, too, hate, hate, HATE shopping. I know, it's rare for a girl, but shopping sucks herpes infested ass! When I was a child, or when I have visited my psycho sister, I always found more amusing things to do:

Like hide in the middle of one of those round clothes racks and make some old lady think the polyester dresses were talking to her.

Or perhaps sticking gross things in the pockets, like Kleenex containing peanut butter or that hand soap that looks like snot.

Or if I happened to catch a guy shopping, throw a sexy dress into his cart when he's not looking. Especially if he's one of those huge jocks and he's about to go up to the counter.

Never thought of bathroom pranks, though.


I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

stuck's picture

im just sitting here reading through this sight and finding what im reading a little crude but also amusing too!!! i cant help feeling extremely envious tho as,. i suffer from an oposite effect to all of yeeee gang,.. its called "parcopresis" its a kind of phobia condition that causes your bowels to freeze/lock when faced with the situation of using a public toilet or anywhere where there might be other people.usually the only way to "perform" is in your own private loo,..where your bowels unlock and become relaxed...i can imagine what yee must be thinking!: "jez this girl is an bloody alien!!!".. but its a serious condition, having me consider suicide on occasion because, lets face it, life is f*!*,.and ive juzt been diagnosed with bowel cancer(prob a result of all f!*!ing constipation ive had to endure for th last 15 years),it started at 15,..thats right im only 30yrs old,.not even an oldy yet!,...i hope th chemo will be successful,.. id love if any of yee cud help all of us on the other side of the fence and maybe giv us a lil advice(i dunno? whetever yee think might help?)most of us hav prob tried pretty much everything at this stage,. we hang out in th "parcopresis message board",(juz google it*)..hey y'know u guys and us hav a lot in common, its simple: ye can, we cant!!: ...will ye help us??,..its prob too late 4 me but theres lots v us out there, ill sign out now and just wanna say that next time you lot are having a "poooooh" just think of how lucky ya'll are that ye havent been cursed by the same crap as me (xcuse th pun!)thanks 4 taking th time to read this if ye made it to the end!! ****bye bye alll yee green light pooers from a sad red light pooer straining in envy across the way :( !!!!****,.. goodnite* :)

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I felt bad for the guy, but this is an awesome story!
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

Best shopping prank was played by a College roomie of mine.
He could peel the foil "security strip" off a box without destroying it. He would then drop it into the bag of an unsuspecting victim (or friend) and watch them set off the system!
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I've done that, with a variation.It's really easy to get the tags off clothes, take a bunch of thouse off, drop them in ppl's bags, and watch pandemoniom ensue!
I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

The Original Grasshopper

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