A Day In The Life Of A Shameful Shitter

PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

As I sat in Boston Market this afternoon, the age-old question of defecation came to mind.

"Why think about crapping when you're eating?" you say. Well, as stated earlier in my previous poop report, I am a Shameful Shitter. This being the case, I am ALWAYS thinking about shitting. I have to plan my day out as to when I will arrive home to take the ominous dump that has been brewing all day.

I have to be very careful what I eat when not within forty minutes of my own commode. The options have to be weighed out ever so carefully. Should I eat at Applebee's? Thirty-five minutes to evacuation. Should I eat at the diner down the street? Twenty minutes to evacuation. It's a tough job being a Shameful Shitter! You Shameless bastards have no idea!

I digress. I was looking down at my pile of meatloaf -- quite symbolic, actually -- and I had the thought that every Shameful Shitter has: "Will I make it home before I have to back out a deuce?" This is a common thought -- usually not much of a big deal. But today was Friday.

Friday is a pretty long day for me. It starts at 7:00 AM, when I rise, and it ends when I return home, usually past midnight. No stopping at my house in between -- we're talking seventeen hours without taking a dump. That's a long-ass time to not empty the chamber. But like I've said before, I'm a pro. I've gone 48+ hours without liberating the troops before, so seventeen hours without my own can should be a walk in the park. So I really didn't pay it too much thought.

I made it through the day, until about 5:00. At that time the Boston Market (quite ironic that their initials are B.M.) decided it needed to exit the premises. Being the pro butt clencher that I am, I coaxed the grogan back into the cave and continued my workday. I left work at six as usual and headed to pick up my buddy for our hockey game. I got him at 7:00 and headed to the rink.

The B.M. was beginning to back up on me. I was in some considerable pain -- but I'm a trooper, so I just dealt with it. My buddy, a self-proclaimed Shameless Shitter (I've seen this guy drop his pants on the side of the road and wave to passers-by as he crapped over the guard rail) knew I was in some pain, and began to poke at my belly, making off-color shit jokes the whole time. He's a heartless bastard and he'll get his just doo (haha) one day. But that's another story.

We arrived at the rink fifteen minutes before our 8:00 game. Plenty of time to take a crap... that is, if I could crap in the dirty, stank-filled locker room, which I can't. Plus, a few turd terrorists had apparently accosted the locker room after the game before ours. A stinky little brown turdlet was sitting on the floor and someone's initials had been written IN SHIT on the bathroom walls. Quite nice work, considering it was written with the nastiest brown crayon you can imagine. So, as if it ever was an option, taking a dump at the rink was totally out of the question. A locker room smells rank enough with a load of rotten hockey equipment in it -- it doesn't need to be compounded by the smell of a beached turdlet.

In all my years, all twenty-six of them, I don't think I've come across anything smelling worse then a piece of dookie out of water. It is an unmistakable smell that you can pinpoint from forty yards. The minute we entered the locker room, a good hundred feet from the murder scene, my buddy said, "Yeah, I smell shit." He's not the brightest of fellers -- and he looks like Kevin Bacon to boot -- but nonetheless, he nailed that turd at about thirty-five yards.

We played a fairly bad game, ending up with a 5-5 tie after a short overtime. I know you're all waiting for me to say I took a mighty hip check from a four hundred and fifty pound former Russian hockey player and he literally knocked the shit outta me. Well, that didn't happen. I didn't crap my pants, although I was in some serious pain from the cramps during most of the game. Crap cramps are something along the lines of getting your stomach stuck in a wine press, without the nice smell of Pinot Grigio. They ain't fun.

The game ended, we undressed, and I took Kevin Bacon Jr. home. We sat around his place for a few and wasted some time discussing politics and the nonexistent NHL season. (Only good thing about there being no season is that the Rangers can't suck this year.) I finally walked in my house at around 11:30.

The human body is an amazing piece of machinery -- especially the dirt hole. The moment I made the turn down my street, my ass knew it and started to make its presence known. The minute I pulled in my driveway, the bung began to pucker and twitch with anticipation. I did the duck walk into the house and ran up the stairs to the only crapper in my house that I use.

I have the run-with-your-pants-half-unbuttoned-and-half-around-your-ankles thing down to a science. I can do it with one hand on my pants and one hand on the railing of my staircase -- safety first, of course. As my body began to convulse and collapse amidst the doom that was about to befall it, I slapped my ass down and let loose a flurry of gastric proportion. And then it's over. All returns to normal.

So why do I torture myself? Why can't I just take a shit anywhere like all of you Shameless Shitters? That's my question.

I think it's all Freudian. Freud's psychosexual theory states that some of us get stuck in the anal phase of development. We need to hold on to everything that our body makes. And I think this is pretty damn accurate. I'm extremely anal retentive -- to the point that my fork and knife at the restaurant have to be exactly lined up. If they aren't, I'll fix them, EVERY TIME they are out of place. So I'm a lunatic, I might possibly have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and I can't shit in public. I'm doomed.

-- Pill Pooper

52 Comments on "A Day In The Life Of A Shameful Shitter"

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

"B.M. Boston Market" hee hee! Loved that story!

Piece Out!

Turd Hugegrunt's picture

Pill Pooper:

Man! You're a case, dude. Great writing though. Too bad you don't crunch out a turd as readily as you crank out a good tale.

By the way, weren't there any public toilets at the hockey rink. I would understand the janitors ignoring a locker room john considering the probable low mental and hygienical level at which most hockey players operate. Why bother.

But I would expect the housekeeping crew to pay better attention to the general public's facilities. Why didn't you run upstairs for a dump before the game.

Oh yeah, as you said later in the story, you only shit in the upstairs pottie at home!?! Dude. You gotta get some help. Lessee. Maybe after the game you should go out with your Neanderthal buddy and his pals, get drunk, eat a bunch of poorly refrigerated, undercooked, cross-contaminated tavern munchies, and then go out and shit over a guardrail like your hockey buds.

Start this at night when you will be exposed the least. Then work up to a grand, rush-hour event where you drop trau, hang your bare ass out over a bridge rail, and unload a monster dookie into one of your community's pristine waterways. Chummin' for carp, as we in the Midwest call it.

Best news is your age, P.P. You still have plenty of time to turn this shamefullness of yours into full blown shameless shitting! I think your excellent tale of woe related above is a great start toward your goal. Keep up the good writing, and keep taking little baby steps farther and farther from that upstairs pottie. Okay?

Public shitting is befitting! TH.

C Everett Poop's picture

I don't get it. Everybody shits. What is there to be ashamed of? Is the person who doesn't shit going to hear or smell you..............? I say let em rip wherever the urge strikes. Unless it is a dirty crapper. That's understandable.

poopymon!'s picture

u speak for shameful shitters everywhere! :D

the shit reaper's picture

C Everett, it's more complicated than that, man

fullofsht's picture

What a pathetic tale. How can we expect to defeat the terrorists when we have too many Americans who are afraid to take a simple dump, let alone fight al-Queda? It all makes me think that we've become too soft and need to reinstitute the draft, where those rows of open military crappers will end this shamefulness.

the shit reaper's picture

Interesting new explanation of the shameful shitter syndrome. good story

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

They do have public crappers at this rink and they are nice. But it's regardless. I can't crap in public, believe me.. I've tried. Like I've said in my last poop report, I'm not sure on the reasoning. But I'm working on it. I made teh HUGE step os dumping in my downstairs bathroom the other day, but I did it when no one was home.....

-Pill Pooper

Tank Girl's picture

How on earth do you play hockey when you have a crap on deck? I can't concentrate on anything fully when I feel like I have to take a dump! I would never be able to play hockey with needing to take a dump on the brain, I can barely walk, the obsessive thoughts of pooping just make concentrating on anything else impossible!

C Everett Poop's picture

This is my final comment for a few months. I'm in the Navy and heading out to sea again. Internet is slow on the carrier, sharing bandwidth with 5000 other guys (and girls) so I don't want to waste it on poop stories. I'll hit the archives when I get home. Good luck and happy crapping to you all.

The Holy Shitter's picture
l 100+ points

Wow. I am glad to be shedding shamefulness these last several months. I hate to even be associated with people who would call themselves shameful shitters. This scene, so perfectly described by Pill Pooper makes me want to take a loud, wet shit in front of a throng.

the feces flinger's picture

the reason why you can't shit in public is because your ass hair is too long. When turds come out they get tangled in your butt afro and become dingleberries.

a young friend's picture

Man...your poor toilet never gets a break from you. Can you imagine if it were human, the fear it would have each night when it heard you rush in the house, knowing what torture and abuse you were about to give it? Does it bother you to take a dump at your house if your buddies are there with you? I am sure they have no problem of taking a crap in your toilet.

bookworm's picture

Good luck, C Everett! I'll pray for your safe return and some great stories when you get back too!

Crapper John M.D.'s picture

If you can't shit in a public crapper then you are using the wrong fixture. Try the sink instead of a nasty toilet next time. The turds will fly out easier and you'll have a great story. Unbelieveable!!

will's picture

As long as you're that shameful, you sure have a good "anal retentive" program there!!

I would suggest you try to get over it , though. That way you won't be in such suppressed agony at an event like a game, etc. Makes your life much simpler too!!!

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Hey C. Everett Poop. Way to go out on an exciting post.

Poopula's picture

OK story but pretty boring. Nothing exciting happened.

Poopoopeedoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I wonder if the game would have been won if you simply POOPED!

Di Rea's picture

The best way to overcome this fear is to walk into a public facility as though you own the place, enter a cubicle, drop your pants and let nature take over.

Glutgut's picture

Boston Market sucks.

Poopula's picture

I don't understand shameful shitters. I live in a suite in a college dorm, which means that my room mate and I share a bathroom with two girls next door. Either one of them or both of them are shameful shitters. Whenever they poop, the turn on the sink water and let it run forever, or turn on the shower and let it run, and we hear the toilet flush several minutes later, which makes it even more obvious. Why get in the shower and back out to flush the commode, why wash your hands before taking a piss/shit?? what else doesnt make sense is that they leave shit streaks in the bottom of the toilet and shitty toilet paper floating at the top of trash can for anyone to see.

werewolf pooping on trees's picture

HEYHEYHEY!!! I'm shameful too! Sometimes even at home, if anyone else besides my dad is home. I have a good reason, though, because my sister "needs" the bathroom every five seconds and my mom asks what I'm doing if I spend more than a minute.
It's these experiences that make people shameful. They scar them for life.

Poopula's picture

OMG i came back to my room to find the toilet in our bathroom full of poop streaks, and even a streak (YUCK) on the seat! argh!

Ouch's picture

You think your a trooper for holding off for 48 hours?
During wrestling season (where i basically go on an anerexic/protein diet to cut weight) i go a good week and half without doin the duty, on a regular basis. Squeezing out them half dozen marbles is the most agonizing torture I've been through and that's after OVERDOSING (im talking about downing 10 pills) on Fibercon.To make it worse, the damn things weigh next to nothing so you can't eat anything afterwards.

recoveringshamefullshitter's picture

I used to be a shameful shitter, but one day I just got so mad about it that I took a shit in the Burger King where I worked. You can see right into the stall through the door hinge because the gap is so big. Some freak customer came in and started staring at me through the mirror but I had to go so bad that I didn't care. Ever since then I've been a shameless shitter.

Eric's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This may not be shameful, but is interesting.
I don't know the details like the above, but here is another story. I am here in California wine country. During grape harvest, many temp workers are hired. There is a guy out here that does this temp thing that brags about dropping his load into wine tanks during the harvest. This is done from catwalks high off the ground above the tanks.
He favors red wine.

Paul_Looter's picture

My ONLY comment is that if you really have to shit, and I mean REALLY HAVE TO, that sucker's coming and ANY toilet, bush, open car door or whatever will be paradise. Believe me.

P. Diddy's picture

That's kind of funny. My criminal justice professor told us that a drawback for police on long-shift patrols have a problem with hemoroids because they all hold in their shits. Police are shameful too!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Damn, shamefull shitters! Just dump. If anyone makes fun of you, write your name on them. IN SHIT!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Brett's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"the bung began to pucker and twitch with anticipation" What a GREAT, GREAT line!!

juli's picture

hey!i prefer doing it at home,but if i really cant wait,i find a quiet wc with not many people around so i can concentrate,and then feel free.

Kat's picture

I'm slightly shameful, but I have a good reason. If you had ever been anywhere in the near, oh, ten feet of the toilet I had used, you would understand.

HOWEVER, you've gotta do what you've gotta do, and I prefer to let it out than have a roto-rooter procedure to have everything cleaned out if it gets backed up.

L Wrong Hubbard's picture
l 100+ points

It can be cured. I used to get stage fright at the urinal and hold my poop in till I got home (back in high school). But that was a long time ago. I have embraced my shamelessness, and learned that toilet seats really aren't that dirty and , in fact, I enjoy a good public toilet shit. Educate yourself and freedom is a intestinal convulsion away.
Best wishes

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

CorproPhagic's picture

This sure sounds like a lotta SHIT to me.

to poop or not to poop's picture

Hey Guys:
I am a poop problem guy as well. I have had panick in the past and in return have had feelings of loosing control. That is in the most embarrassing way as possible. That is, to crappo the pantso. Take the most embarrassing poop story possible and then run it in your head for a while. Result, always looking for that toilet just in case. Yet, Iam a wierdo, I have no problem dumping in private or public toilets when the time comes, only thoughts of embarassment follow me from time to time. Well came across this site, found it well interesting. No OCD, only social anxiety stuff.

Brinda's picture

Hello All fellow Craps! TAking a shit is a wonderful and exciting adventure that we are pleased with having everyday! dont let that use go to waste lol! use the force! crap everywhere! where i'm from we crap in are pants! thats right! the way you dress and the stall selection are very important! practicing these skills and u can to be a highly-skilled gentleman or woman crapper!

the log of hazzard's picture
l 100+ points

Ah, another shameful shitting story. So let me get this straight: If, say, you were on a public crapper and your girlfriend knocks at the door asking if your taking a shit, your emotions just completly shut down? Hmm...

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

steamy pooper's picture

one day, i decided to go to a spa and i went into the steam room. all i had was a towel around my body. i sat around for a while and all was fine. i felt a fart coming on but with all the steam around, i didn't think anyone would notice. there were 10 other girls inside. i let it rip and all of a sudden, i realized i had pooed in my towel. i tried to get up and walk out but the poop plopped onto the ground and everyone was laughing. i ran out with poop on the sides of my legs and i haven't been back since.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

As an ex-shamefull, I know what it is like.

It is a big barrier for some people to overcome. I overcame my shamefullness by going in public restrooms when nobody was around, and worked my way up from there. Now I am getting so I'll go whenever and wherever the urge hits me.
Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Young and Regretful's picture

OMG. WOW. I've actually held my stuff in for 5 days. not kidding and it has seriously backfired on me. I wish I could go back to relief now I suffer. 1 hour and a half spread over 3 hours. NOT FUN AT ALL. I was regular. dumping one every night. now its every morning if 1 hour and a half spread over 3 hours. I still have school but I just will not use the RR there it is always crowded. plus.... nvm. suffering

AlienPoop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

well I guess I might consider myself right about halfway in between a shameless shitter and a shameful one , if there be such a thing, got any advice for me??? AlienPoop.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

I will never understand how the shameful "can't" poop outside their homes. Does your duecemachine go on strike?
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Simone I think I can shed a little light on this. In HIS case he has absolutely NO pristine road toilets available to him. I would LOVE to take a baseball bat to those people who think that using shit to decorate bathroom walls is funny. I have news for you IT ISNT SO KNOCK IT OFF. Again I think its just a matter of him finding toilets that have better quality in out of the way places. I am sure that if PP used the ol noggin he could find toilets in out of the way places in which to relieve himself. An out of the way toilet usually takes a little more time to find but when you do find it MOST of the time it is clean because not many slobs use it and it has a better chance of not being desecrated. Where would these be ya ask? Well for starters what do you do for a living? If you work in a big building then you should be able to find a nice out of the way pot to relieve yourself on. Restaurant crappers even if clean are too intimidating because a lot of people use them. But what about that nice library accross the street or down the road? Or that hotel with a meeting room floor on it. Most of the time meetings arent going on but there are usually crappers there and noone bothers you. There are hotels a plenty in major cities and MOST have a full time EVS crew that clean them. So I think if PP really applies himself he can still maintain his shameful status AND be able to poop in peace without embarassment!
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

MSS - effectively, yes. In this story PP talks of 'the moment he walks into (his) street (his) ass knows it and starts to make its presence known.' I was very shameful, and I still get this syndrome sometimes. I can walk around all day with my ass full - just feeling uncomfortable - then, when I get nearly home, the urge hits - and I mean HITS! It just doesn't move during the day - something to do with not being relaxed - I don't know. Sometimes however, I get the urge anywhere - so I'm just unpredictable now!!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I cannot shit in a public restroom as they are way to dirty for me. I like my own germs only. Maybe nuts but I will hold it all day and risk an "accident" but usually make it to the ole' crapper on time.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I started out as a shameful shitter. In the entire course of my elementary school education I don't think I ever took a shit at school. There were no doors in the stalls and I was embarrassed to get semi-nude in front of others. I had three sisters and no brothers. If I had had a brother and shared a room I wonder if I would have felt differently about this?

When I was in high school I was a member of the concert band and the marching band both and was excused from PE. I never had to get naked in front of a group of guys. If I felt a poop coming on I would suppress the urge until school was over. I walked two miles each way to and from school, a portion of which was through a wooded area. Many were the times that I would squat behind a tree and leave a loaf for natures little turd munchers. I took a shit at school perhaps 4 or 5 times in the entire duration of my education.

I decided to join the Air Force at the tender age of 18. The recruiter sent the buddy with whom I was joining and me to the VA hospital for our physicals. I was about to kiss shamefulness goodbye forever. At the VA about 20 guys were taking physicals. We were told to strip completely and leave our clothes in little cubicles that looked like mail boxes at the post office. We were given bags with drawstrings that we placed or valuables in
and wore around our necks. The bags looked like giant "Bull Durham" tobacco

I was totally horrified when we were given the command "follow me" and marched out into the hallway by the sadist who was escorting us through our physical. There were nurses everywhere!
I was terrified that I perhaps didn't measure up in the penis category and soon would be surrounded by tittering, pointing women totally unimpressed by my miniscule weenie.

There was a gym in the hospital and we were lined up along the side with our toes on the boundary line. The first order was,
"skin them back and turn them over."
What a sight we were, twenty guys standing there with serious twists in our love muscles. After a doctor with a clipboard walked the length of our formation admiring our slongs we were told, "bend over and spread your cheeks."
Up to this point this was probably the most humiliating situation I had ever been in.

After surviving the pre-induction physical it was rather easy to adjust to shitting with your knees touching a buddy on each side in the row of potties with no dividers that were all that was available in basic training. I learned to shit joyfully in the company of my fellow man and have been absolutely shameless ever since.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

hayley's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Everyone poops. I have to poop every morning when I am at work. I just go in the bathroom and poop with the rest of them. No way can I hold that in all day. Gets too uncomfortable for me and gives me gas. Usually when I go into the bathroom someone else is already pooping. Then while I am pooping someone else comes in and starts pooping. Just poop!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

There is nothing wrong with being selective about where you will go. however, there is a limit and i think the Meatloaf express was the first clue that it was time to fine the "CAT" (cleanest available toilet). Generally, the nicer the part of town, the better your chances are of finding such a relief station.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Been there, had to do that, could not.

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