Shameless Shitting and Cell-Phone Crappers

m 1+ points - Newb

I was visiting my
dad's office one day and went to the bathroom, which is shared by all of the offices on
the floor, to wash my hands.

That's all. I'm not afraid of using public restrooms, I
just didn't have to go. I swear. OK, it's true, I'm not as flamboyant about pooping
as some of the people who write in to this site.
I will always avoid pooping with an
audience if possible. Can you blame me? I guess you can, but let's get real here.

walked into the bathroom and the stench of fresh poop hit me right away. I stopped in
front of the sinks and assessed the situation. There were two stalls side-by-side and
a urinal. One of the stalls was occupied by a particularly loud and sloppy crapper.
Either he didn't hear me come in or he didn't care. I think it must be the latter,
based on what happened next.

I quickly decided that I would "hold it," wash my hands,
which did need washing, and get out of there before I passed out. As I turned on the
water, I distinctly heard a voice issue from the occupied stall, but it was hard to
tell what was said as it coincided with a huge gaseous and fecal release.

I told
myself that I was hearing things. I didn't know anyone in this building except my dad,
and he was safe at his desk. This man was obviously cavalier in his bathroom behavior,
but he couldn't be so bold as to strike up a conversation with a total stranger while
he was so clearly pooping... could he?

I was drying my hands when it happened again.
This man was talking, and there was no one else in the bathroom. I was about to run
out of there before he said anything else, but as his one-sided conversation
continued, I quickly realized that he was not talking to me. He was talking on his
cell phone.

My horror turned to amusement as he conducted a business call with a
client while he had horrendous diarrhea. Nearly every sentence was punctuated by
splattering or farting of some kind. I have seen some pretty obsessed cell phone
users, but this was ridiculous.

Do you really need the phone in the bathroom? If you
do bring it with you, have the common sense to realize that nobody wants to listen to
you crap over the phone. This is a perfect situation for voice mail.

Maybe it was one
of those kinky sex lines and the person on the other end was paying $5 a minute to
listen to this. I can't explain his behavior, but I wanted to share it.

-- Justin

70 Comments on "Shameless Shitting and Cell-Phone Crappers"

thales's picture

thats quit unique! hehe.

who care's's picture

Come on guy, we all talk on cell phones while shitting, what's wrong with a little multi-tasking?

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

I think it's infringing on the rights of others. Many of us want solitude when we shit... we don't want to have to listen to some jerk babble to some other jerk. But the bigger question: as supporters of the shameless shitting doctrine, we support being able to shit at the office with impugnity, and to not be scared what others are thinking of you. However, it was always implied that those "others" are in the bathroom along with you. How is shameless shitting affected when you're sharing your shitting with people on the phone?

Justin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I just felt bad for the other half of the cell phone conversation. I mean, when you walk into a bathroom, you're ready for anything - you've prepared yourself mentally for what goes on in there. When you pick up the phone, the last thing you expect to hear is shitting. I would imagine that it gets even worse when you have to talk to the person who is bringing the ruckus. You can't ignore them like in a normal bathroom situation.

Chad "Stickymess" Power's picture


Scheisse's picture

I used to have a female friend who would often call and launch into these neverending phonecalls (though I'm a female too I find yapping on the phone boring but could never find the heart to cut her off) Anyhow, I was appalled the first time I heard these odd noises while she was talking, various echoing sounds & odd acoustics, and she was grunting a bit and breathless while talking away continuously, and then there was this whooshing/roaring sort of noise and then the unmistakable gurgling of a toilet being flushed! So I said to her, hey, where you taking a shit while talking to me?!! And she says, Yeah, so, I had to go. I was so grossed out at this image of her on the toilet straining away and shitting and talking to me. But after the first time, got used to the interesting array of noises and gurgles as she apparently would always be overcome with an irresistible urge to shit as soon as she got on the phone to me...

glu's picture

lol...same thing happens when my sisters get on the phone. one of them immediately has to go and they claim it's not planned. so now, when one of them is "backed up" and desperate, she makes the call. with a good long distance plan, it's cheaper than laxatives!

woogie's picture


my coment is this website is crazy funny. I think i will tell all my friends about it

Yours truely


wanda's picture

I emptied my dokie shute

asif's picture

ahh, shit. Everyone does it. I would prefer if people woould do it on their own time and not mine. Once I was talking to a person (term used loosely)on the phone and she asked me to hang on a minute. So I do an I here sounds I don't need to hear, so I hung up. The person (term again used loosely) called me back to see what happened to me. I explained and she said "I just had to wipe". No! No thank you. Bye

Turdchunker's picture

Talkin' bout multitasking...I'd be kinda cool to have a toilet in the shower and take a shit while showering..

dude's picture


I had a NYC apartment with the toilet in the shower stall for 2 years. There was no sink in the bathroom. Shit/shower/shave simultaneous was a part of life.

I almost miss it sometimes...

Kierzan's picture

I've had the reverse happen. I was at the ballpark, settling down to a nice and relaxing shit (it's the nachos and halapenos, don't you know...) when I hear the person in the next stall answer his cell phone. He's trying to play it off, saying he's in the car heading somewhere, so I decide to give him some "music" to talk to. juicy farts and unmistakable turd splashes....

slim jim junkie's picture

I don't have a problem with someone shitting and using the phone at the same time IF they dont call me

Dude's picture

using the phone whilst pooping is great and all, but for the ultimate multitask ... I'm typing this whilst filling the shitter! Long live shameless shitting!

Hooters's picture

that was just nasty. i hate it when people call me and they're on the shitter. why call ME? do i make it easier to shit or something? honsestly. i don't care if they pee, but shit? especially if they have the hershey squirts and you can hear all the liquid and solid chunks of poop hit the sides of the porcelin god. its just kinda gross.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I heard on "Jobs that suck" that airline people have to take calls all the time like this. Somebody said "I head grunts, splashes, dribbles, and stuff I prefer not to talk about"

Doug Soderstrom, Ph.D.'s picture

I have developed a term for a phenomenon that I refer to as "Whemying." This phenomenon refers to "the holding in of feces for a few minutes (from two to three minutes up to perhaps as long as a half hour or so) in order to experience the good feelings associated with fecal matter (usually referred to as "a turd") as it stimulates the nerves of the rectum and, perhaps as well, places pressure upon (in the case of males) the prostate gland." The "whemying feeling" comes and goes every few minutes as the fecal matter stimulates the nerves and leads to some really good feelings "something akin to an orgasm."

I would like to know if any of you out there ever engage in such a phenomenon, or perhaps know of someone who does such a thing. If so, please let me know.

My feeling is that children, as well as some adults, do such a thing, but never talk about it (the fact of their whemying), because it would be such a horribly embarrassing thing to admit to!

As a psychologist, I have had a really tough time getting people to take me seriously about investigating the phenomenon "whemying." No doubt, this is the case, since it is such an embarrassing topic. But as we all know, at least according to Sigmund Freud, the anus is an errogenous zone, and quite a few people find it sexually exciting to engage in the giving or receiving of anal stimulation---------------So why couldn't (or wouldn't) "whemying" be capable of bringing a reasonable degree of pleasure to some folks?

I really do want to find out if people do such a thing as "whemying," so if you have any information about this, please do let me know.

Thank you very much.

Doug Soderstrom, Ph.D.


Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Doug Soderstrom! I whemy for five minutes, not for pleasure, but because it reduces the effort and it makes the BM more complete.

The Other David's picture
l 100+ points

Well, I must say, that if someone had a handy in the WC and was using it, and I heard him fart, or whatever, on the other end (no pun intended) I think that I would just bust a gut laughing!

C'mon you closeted shameless shitters, COME OUT OF THE (water) CLOSET! Let's stop pretending that you are shameful! In hte GLBT world, it is said that the most vocal homophobe who gay bashes, is most likely one himself -- but closeted! Same holds true to those so-called 'shameful shitters' as they ARE the creme de la creme of the shameLESS! LIBERATE YOURSELVES NOW!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

There are a few places I can't stand people talking on the cell phone.
1. The restaurant.
2. The car. (Unless they have a headset.)
3. The public toilet.
Usually when someone is on the toilet talking business on the phone while I'm trying to relax I make as many rude noises as possible until they hang up. Hey! It's a bathroom. Take a break from your yuppie tight-ass work for at least ONE minute out of every day. And if you can't, leave me out of it! Inconsiderate PC assholes!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Inconsiderate Bastard's picture

You forgot the other most horrible places to talk on your cell phone! In the class room, in a movie theatre, or during a meeting.

ME's picture

That was quite a bold move, fone shit 35 dollars a fart

Proud Pooper's picture

I just got back from droping a few turds. Well, That Man on the cell phone sounded sorta annoying. But anyway it's a funny story.

poop's picture

go to Russia if you want that kind of toilet. My dad went over there 2 years ago and he said that the hotels have a shower/toilet

Shaun's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

OK. Although I'm a shameless shitter and proud of it, I think it's ridiculous to be talking on the phone while on the crapper. It's just wrong. Just plain wrong. I have this friend who talks to me on the phone while crapping, so I just tell him I'll call him back later. It's repulsive and vomit-inducing, so don't even bother trying.

Crappen_Geocacher's picture

I have done this before, but I make sure that not a sound comes from below while on the phone, and this being on my own potty at home.

Rick's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I agree with The Shit Volcano. I think its rude, arrogant, and totally unnecessary. I was in a hotel restroom and it was on a break so there weas lots of activity. All stalls and urinals occupied, sounds of shit, farts, piss and flushes. In the last stall--the handicappedone no less--some asshole was on a conference call with a man and a woman. The woman was understandably uncomfortable which I could tell by her voice. How shameless is THAT? I would have loved to barge in, grab the phone and drop it between his legs just to make a point.

Peepeepoopoop's picture

I think its rude to talk on a cell phone while taking a shit because you never know, you might make a fart that echoes while shitting. I do not do that myself.

the bricklayer's picture

whemying? ok whatever... I sometimes hold back when I need to take a shit. I love those contractions that start off gently enough and dont interfere with whatever I happen to be doing at the time but gradually become more persistant and I gotta go to the toilet. I can stand enjoying the feeling of a weighty turd slowly forcing its way out and clenching the muscles in my arse and stopping the thinh in its tracks brings on some amazing sensations. I saw my face in the bathroom mirror as I was standing there gripping the sink, and boy what an expression! my eyes were kinda glazed my mouth open a little bit and the weird thing was my face looked really pale - like id lost all colour... the tricky bit is to hold on cos once the shithead makes an appearance things can happen pretty quick, so using a good technique I can hold that mother in for a time. When it gets to the point when I'm shaking and shuddering and appreciative vocal sounds are escaping from between my lips ( and im not talking about farting) I gotta drop my jeans and ease over to the pan - this is a 'will I or wont I' senario - but once there I muster up and heave out in one almighty movement whatever beauty has been begging for release. This is a totally indulgent self satisfying anal treat - its just the buisness.

Wee Jock Poo-Pong McPlop's picture

I've recently discovered the thrill of pooping in public loos - its fun, its daring. But settling a business deal by cell phone whilst shitting? Nah, thats just wrong, you have to draw the line somewhere. Whats more, these "turd talkers" obviously don't have an ounce of respect for anyone else in other cubicles. Personally when I'm launching a log, I don't want to hear some dude discussing stocks and shares - I want to have a clear mind.

I gotta agree with you fellow whemyers. I get such a thrill out of holding it in, and it just gets better and better the longer you leave it. What a sensation!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I love a good shit, I really do. I want to open my bowels for the lot of you and share the delights of my tunnel!

mott the poople's picture
l 100+ points

Personally, I get off the phone. Butt...I don't mind someone else on the phone. I try extra hard to be anally verbose if someone is talking in the stall next to me. Hopefully trying to close a deal. I "try" for a power dump, soup with chunks and gas is the best. A few grunts, maybe even say "shit, I'm not eating at that fuc**n place anymore". I enjoy the silence after. Occasionally, there is muted laughter. Its nice to be appreciated. (!)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

jamie's picture

this is a funny web site its so cool

its not SHIT LOL

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

The feeling of shamefullness always comes across me when I'm talking to someone and suddenly hear a "flush" in the background. I totally loose any recolection of the previous conversation. I on the otherhand frequently shit while on the phone. I do udually save the flush till after I hang up. Hey, if ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Poop Shooter!

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

This article was funny, strange and really provided a variety of responses. I giggled as I read some of them.

Here's my question if you're male in the john who is shitting and experiencing "whemying" that Dr. Soderstrom describes above while simultaneously receiving oral stimulation in the form of fallatio and you're talking on your cell phone, would this be the elusive triple-play?

1) Whemy
2) Whammy
3) "Why Me?" (guy on the other end of the conversation)...

keeping the whack in tally-ho...

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

There is a much funnier story and comment thread on this same subject under "This Is Not A Phone Booth."

I am another who detests self-important yuppie types who need to feel that they, and their time, are more important than anyone or anything else.

Hey--my use of the word "yuppie" sorta dates me, doesn't it? All the yuppies are getting old now. What do you call today's equivalent?

"Say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose Volcano?"

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Justin's line:

"...nobody wants to listen to you crap over the phone..."

This gave me an entirely different visual than he intended. Ewww.

Mike Nomad's picture

Awhile back, I visited a auto wrecking yard to get parts for my classic car. All the junk cars were lined up rank and file forming walkways between the cars. As I turned to walk down between the cars there were two guys,one standing and his buddy squatting. The 'Squatter' was in a quasi sitting postion with his back against the car with his pants down taking a shit. His standing friend appeared to be a lookout but clearly was daydreaming since I crept up on them so easily.When I turned the corner,all three of us were taken aback. The squatter was so embarrased,that he turned his head in the direction away from me,covering his face with his hands. His standing friend was so flustered,that the only thing he could do was emit a nervous laugh,his face a bright red. His stacatto laugh was a forced, he,he,he,he. What else could he say?I caught them dead to right. When the standing guy went into his third group of he,he, I turned and briskly walked away,trying not to laugh. Awhile later, I carefully returned to the site and not surprisingly, the two guys were gone. They only left their pile of shit.

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

MN, not to get off topic, but what kind of classic car do you have?

When it comes to talking while defecating I must mention my brother. Even when my wife and I are at their house visiting and my bro needs to drop off the kids at the pool, he'll sit there with the door open (its just off the living room) and shit up a storm while conversing. Its funny in a rather disturbing way to hear him break off in mid sentence, grunt and groan, hear a splash, and have him resume speaking right where he left off. It bugs the hell out of my sister-in-law, grosses out the wife and I, and God knows what effect it has on his kids.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Anomalous, I'm surprised you didn't say all that in rhyme. ;-)

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Public toilet phone conversations is where I draw the line. That and in people talking on a cell phone while they are driving in the car (at 30mph in a 65mph zone) grrrrr.

But bathroom conversations are rude.(JOE) Hey Mac, where are you? (MAC) Taking a dump plunk plunk plunk. (JOE) so I hear. (MAC) hang on while I wipe my ass, oh no a million wiper, hang on. (JOE hangs on) (TOILET) woshhhhhhh, chugalugalug. Now is that a good conversation? Poor old Joe forgot what he had to say to Mac.
It's not nice to fool mother nature.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

What really drives me nuts is when some jackass uses one of those walkie-talkie phones while she is on the crapper. Fortunately, those are going out of style with the yuppy set.

I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

I would have started singing really loudly. Or grunting. Something obvious to piss the guy off.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Occasionally, I forget to turn off my work walkie when I go into the bathroom.

I clip it onto the hook on the back of the door, but if I forget and leave it live, of course I can hear the calls back and forth.

If someone's in the other stall, they have to hear it, too, but at least I don't TALK into it. Maybe it gives the other occupant some diversion.

One of these times, someone is going to call, "GGG what's your location?". Should I answer it, or let them wonder?

I better hope TSV isn't in the next stall!

sharp shitter's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have held many a conversation while on the crapper. However, I must admit never while experiencing the BIG D. That's a bit much. And while I share this crap-and-chat philosophy, I would never partake of it in public.

Too funny!

Sharp Shitter-Signing off

Sharp Shitter-Signing off

Anonymous Coward's picture

I am all for people enjoying the natural functions of their body in a healthy manner. It's just that I don't necessarily want to participate in your enjoyment. So consequently I do not answer calls nor carry them on while on the toilet, and I would get rather offended if someone else did.

I will, however, talk for hours while in the bathtub. But that's different.

John Q's picture

I was a bit suprised to find this story about me but I can explain myself.

I was setting up a big contract with a company located in Kazakhstan. In Kazakhstan it is customary to close a big deal whilst unloading a big deal.

This is a symbolic ceremony in their country and I am not one to disrespect another persons culture.

As for the noise, damn them enchiladas.

The Deuce of Hazzard's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm a Shameful, so if I'm in the feared position of using a work or public stall, I'm too worried about getting the job done to make or take phone calls. Even if I'm at home, throne time is personal time. I am not to be disturbed. If my wife is to ever bother me while on the porcelain lazyboy, I'll have to assume that the house is on fire.

Rae's picture

It's all about texting in the john. Especially when at work - I used to wait tables - sometimes I would take a poop break just to text my fiance. If it's a longer and you get a response back, all the better!

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