The Numi Toilet: They've Forgotten It's Still Where You Poop
They think they've raised the bar.
If you happen to have $6,390 lying around, and you like to poop, then maybe you’d like to purchase Kohler’s top of the line, the Numi.
This toilet is ridiculous. As you and your trembling bung approach the Numi a sensor plays music for your ears, and water noises tinkle to alert your bladder that it’s time to get busy. The model comes with a heated seat, a night light, and – this is my favorite – a warm air vent that blows over your feet, in case your toes are cold. (When I’m reading the Silmarillion on the pot downstairs my feet always get kind of cold; I wish I had a warm air vent on my toilet.) There is an outlet for your iPod. Then, when you’re finished? The Numi has a bidet – one that oscillates, pulses, or sprays in waves. and it finishes you off with an air dryer and… an antibacterial UV light.
And when it’s time to flush, the toilet takes into consideration how long you’ve been sitting when dispersing water into the bowl. If you sit long enough, the Numi decides that you’ve taken a big old dump, and it doubles the amount of water flow from 0.6 to 1.2 gallons. This is no ordinary flush, either; the Numi has a jet pump. That’s right, a jet pump, one that pushes your possible logjam toward an electromechanical valve for a reliable flush every time. Yet…
…we’re disappointed in you, Kohler. You think you thought of everything – including a remote control that controls the butt spray and the handy-dandy flush capacitor – but you struck out on producing a realistic ad:
We here at Poopreport.com decided to see how others would handle the advertising. According to Prarie Doggin, he thinks Billy Mays would have been a better front man than the polished, faceless pretty boy in the video. When asked how Billy's commercial might have gone, Prarie gave us his rendition:
”GOT $6400 IN CHUMP CHANGE FROM YOUR LAST DRUG DEAL?
”FANTASIZING ABOUT A CHUNKY SPORTS CASTER BABE STOPPING BY TO AIR HER BIG CANS AND MAYBE TAKE A DUMP?
”WANT TO IMPRESS YOUR COUNTRY CLUB FRIENDS WHEN YOU DROP A LOAD?
”HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE NUMI TOILET
”SHIT SHIVERS GIVING YOU COLD FEET?... IT'S GOT A FOOT WARMER. GOT A COLD ASS FROM WATCHING THE CURLING FINALS?... IT'S GOT A SEAT WARMER. GOT MORE DINGLEBERRIES THAN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH HAS PEDOPHILES?... IT'S A BIDET. YOU CAN EVEN LISTEN TO BEETHOVEN WHILE PROVIDING YOUR OWN BRASS SECTION.
”AND BEST OF ALL, IT'S A KOHLER, YOU FUCKING HOLY ROLLER. HERE'S HOW TO ORDER!”
”JESUS H. CHRIST ON A CROSS, WHERE THE HELL IS MY DRINK? DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE? CAN'T SOMEONE GET SULLY RUN OVER BY A BUS OR SOMETHING AND GET HIS ASS UP HERE?”
Our Hillybilly Gourmet, Chief Thunderbutt, considered another approach to toilets altogether. When he’s not peeling roadkill for chili Thursday off the asphalt on Rte. 66, the stretch of highway that runs by his moonshine still, he likes to spend his spare time endorsing his family's special brand of country products. Chief feels that we don’t need no stinkin’ Numis:
”My cousin Noah Thunderbutt the wooden boat builder is on hard times with his boat business, so he has branched out into the outhouse construction business. For the piddling sum of $390 he will build on site the outhouse of your dreams.
”Noah's outhouse comes with a genuine French bidet for only a small additional charge, although the charge is ongoing. My cousin Thibodeaux Thunderbutt, of the Cajun Thunderbutt Clan, recently moved here from New Orleans and is looking for work. He says for only $50 per month he will spend an hour a day in the outhouse in a specially constructed chair under the hole in the seat. He will be equipped with a garden hose and a scrub brush and will perform cleaning services on all hineys he sees each morning during his shift.
”Thibodeaux is easy to recognize; he is a short little man with a heavily freckled face. He says he got the inspiration for this type work when he was a child and saw his father Boubreaux toss a dollar bill down into the toilet pit of their outhouse.
"’What for you do ‘dat, Papa?’ he asked.
"’Well Thibodeaux, I didn't have ‘de heart to send you down ‘dere ‘jes for the quarter I dropped.’"
Maybe the Kohler Company should consider our take on toilets and pooping into consideration when pushing six grand worth of porcelain, pipes, and valves. We're just not impressed with some smarmy video that shows two of the beautiful crowd standing next to an expensive porcelain cube in the middle of a glass-enclosed $10,000 a month apartment. What's the point, Kohler? We know as well as you do that regardless of how expensive her clothes are or how much money she makes that the woman in that video is going to look just as ridiculous as the rest of us depositing the remains of last night's sashimi. No matter how shiny the buttons or how technologically advanced the plumbing, the Numi is still a toilet. You poop in it. Kohler can streamline it, improve it, and even patent it, but we know that at the end of the day the Numi is meant to do the same job our Bundy-approved, trusty, water-guzzling Fergusons do, which is flush our poo.
Give us a break.