A Very Merry PR Christmas

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Editor's note: I received this fantastic pooem a few weeks ago from Mrs. Mad Crapper. She and Prarie Doggin combined forces to bring us a truly twisted version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas'. I hope you enjoy.

Merry Christmas, Poopreporters!


T'was the night before Christmas; one more trip to be made.

Sants' was drinking and lookin' to get laid.

Lots of gifts for Poop Reporters but trouble foreboded.

It seems that the sleigh wasn't the only thing loaded.

In Washington state, and what’s the first house?

Why it's PR's dear Daphne, my favorite souse.

She's due for a new BanHammer, some critters, and wine.

Yes I think that will be all; yes, that's just fine.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear?

Holy shit, it's Gator - he's eating one of my deer!

Away to the window I flew like a flash.

Screaming like a girl as I make my mad dash.

"Where's Comet?" the other deer call as I run.

"GO!" I scream, "The dog’s eating him! Let's leave 'fore he's done!"

Next let's visit Wonderpance, PR's roller derby queen.

She's been nice this year; she'd never be mean.

For her I bring a new set of skates, some padding, but what's this? Oh, how dorky.

She's got a big present here that reads ‘from Daphne to Morky’.

I give it a shake. Oh, it's a way to deal with those spammers.

It's the glorious, magnificent, awesome BanHammer.

Next stop is sunny Lake Havasu City,

What the fuck's this dude want with all of these kitties?

Now just ease the team down under this ugly ass bridge.

Aw shit! I miscalculated the height just a smidge.

Too bad, old Donder, you jive ass turkey.

By noon time tomorrow he'll be venison jerky.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's house is the next stop.

Down the chimney I go with my big fat ass… Plop!

I reach the bottom, but what have we here?!

A torture chamber; and she's snagged one of my deer!

She's got poor Rudolf strapped to a rack,
With a car battery hooked up to his sack.

I hear her exclaim as I run for my life.

Merry Christmas, you red nosed bastard. Now, beg for your life!

A quick stop is ahead, just outside of Indy.

Cross I-85, damn, it's snowing and windy.

Can't see a thing as I approach Dodger's abode,

So I'll just follow low along this big ass dark road.

Straight at me a black Pete doing at least seventy-five.

Try to swerve and I pray I'll make it alive.

Then that stupid fucking Dasher comes to a complete halt.

Staring at the headlights like a complete friggin' dolt!

With a squishy thud, he is gone as I brake to slow down.

A gift for little Dodge, then it's outta’ this town.

Next stop is the woods of the hillbilly state.

Looks like we got here not a minute too late.

No chimney to see on this double-wide,

I'll just jimmy the lock and see what's inside.

Just peek in the fridge for something to eat.

Mmmm - kimchee, chittlins, and pickled pigs’ feet.

Oh good, look-ee here, a drink someone was fixin’...

HOLY FUCK! Who’s that fat guy field dressing Vixen!

Done visiting the rednecks, off to Jersey we go.

I can't breathe with this festering stink rising up from below.

But P. Dogg is resting all snug in his bed,

While visions of gold teef and bitches dance in his head.

I leave the presents and hurry back to my team.

On the way out I hear another deer scream.

It seems Cupid has caught a local pimp's eye,

He'll hook him out on a street corner ‘til the right John comes by.

Losing all these reindeer has made this trip slow.

Oh well, to the next stop - to Leandra's we go!

For her I bring gifts of Twilight galore,

Some posters, dvds, and a life sized Carlisle to adore.

She's been a good girl all year so I must insist,

To let her know from the PR gang just how much that she's missed.

"It's time to go home!" Santa shouted to what was left of his team,

"This fat bastard’s tired, and I need some Jim Beam!"

Home at last, poor Santa just can't take too much more.

He collapsed as he wondered what it all would be for.

No one appreciates the shit I go through

To bring Christmas presents to that damn PR crew!

When out stepped Mrs. Claus in her black lace-up boots.

All dolled up in a skin-tight leather playsuit.

She had on fishnets, and boy were they tight!

And through her top he could see her giant floodlights.

She did a quick spin like she was going to strip,

But then Santa saw clutched in her hand was a whip.

From her cleavage she pulled out a festive gag ball

"On the floor, slave!" she yelled. “Fat man, crawl!"

Away to the bedroom he crawled in a flash!

Mrs. Claus pounced on his back with a crash.

”I know that your night’s been rough, dear, what with that PR bunch.

”So tonight I have a surprise for you that involves a donkey punch.”

"Oh baby!" exclaimed Santa, "You're the one I adore!"

And so that night Mrs. Claus gave up the back door.

So Santa's now happy what with Mrs. Claus and her rear.

He's even got over the loss of so many reindeer.

But Santa exclaimed as he banged through the night,

"Merry Christmas to all! Damn, this shit's tight!"

22 Comments on "A Very Merry PR Christmas"

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Merry Christmas everyone!
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Hope Doniker pops in to read this, he'll have beat off material for another year. Great job MMC and PD!!!!
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Great poem guys, I could almost taste Vixen, luckily my son-in-law has killed four deer already this year so there is no shortage of venison in the freezer.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Merry christmas to all, and most of all, thank you MMC for a collaberation of twisted minds if ever I saw one.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

It was my pleasure, but you deserve all the credit as it was your idea in the first place. Now the world will truly know the depth of our insanity.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

kentuckykin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Y'all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Great job guys! I wish you all a merry Cristmas, complete with a healthy 'yule log'.

Postman's picture
k 500+ points

Nice.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I rather unexpectedly had a very good Yule log this morning. Yesterday I had had lots of gas and, after a fairly normal morning b.m., two very soft ones that make me think I might be getting sick. At the Christmas Eve service where I played, I had the second of these; about 7 minutes before I was to start the organ Prelude, I was farting almost constantly (smelly, too) and was feeling a churning in my bowels. I decided to go ahead to the bathroom and try to poop out the trouble. While it wasn't quite diarrhea, it was certainly soft and sloppy, with lots of gas. My innards did quiet down after that, and I got through the service without incident.

Today--Christmas morning--I felt fine, though I wondered what my poop today (if any) would be like. Christmas service was at 10, so by 8:30 I was there, choosing and practicing service music. At 8:45 I felt the need to poop, and it felt normal, though I was still a bit apprehensive. To my surprise, the b.m. was very difficult to push out, and I had to grunt it out an inch or so at a time--a hard, firm, long turd, thoroughly healthy and normal! Afterwards--one wipe. It felt great, a splendid Yule log indeed.

I regret that I have no pooetry to record the incident. PD and MMC reign supreme . . .

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

ho ho ho!

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

As santa climb out of the demolished outhouse he yelled at Rudolph.... I said the SCHMIDT house !

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Hi guys. Fantastic Poo-etry. Just wanted to wish all of you a Merry Christmas. GottaGoGirl sold her home in California about a year ago and moved here to Stewsberg, where she now owns one of the grand mansions about a block from my house. She looks nice in a brown velvet skirt....
Interesting what PR will ''doo'' for people, isn't it?

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Funny remake y'all and a belated Merry Christmas to all Poopreporters. Good work.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

The Dumbster's picture

The Dumpster (2508) -- 12.26.2009
Interesting what PR will ''doo'' for people, isn't it?

I've never known it to break up family for the sake of a web based love affair. But then, I guess people can do that on their own.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

If something's not meant to be, it's going to end for one reason or another; you don't blame the internet.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

And I WAS having such a nice Christmas...now the nightmares are coming back....


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Maybe I, instead of the unregistered user above, am the true "Dumbster," but I fail to see how living in separate houses constitutes a "web-based love affair." Probably this is something Aragog could explain!

Anyway, I just wanted to wish all my PR friends a Merry Christmas, not to start an intifada. Daph, good luck on taking over the site. Long may you rule!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Still delusional, thinking you have friends here...very sad...
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

"I am sorry, with all my heart, to find you so resolute. We have never had any quarrel, to which I have been a party. But I have made the trial in homage to Christmas, and I'll keep my Christamas humor to the last. So--A Merry Christmas, Uncle Scrooge!!"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Merry Christmas to you, too.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Well that whole thing went completely over my head.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Better over your head than between your legs PD.

That's some prime pooetry, PD and MMC. You should both be proud.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

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