How To Poop For Peace

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FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2009

  1. It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.

  • Close the door, bare your butt, and sit on the toilet as normal. Do not, however, yet poop.

  • Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it -- this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.

    There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.

  • Now, let it flow. And as you do --

  • think of the rich man, with all his finery.

    think of the President, with all his worries.

    think of Kim Jong Il, with all his anger.

    think of the Somali people, with all their problems.

    think of Dame Judi Dench, with all her dignity.

    think of the migrant worker, with all his worries.

    think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness.

    think of Alan Greenspan, with all his regret.

    think of John Elway, with all his total awesomeness.

    think of those pirates, with all their desperation.

    think of the Supreme Court, with all its gravitas.

    think of the Simon Cowell, with all his snarkiness.

    think of your mother, with all her love.

    Think of the one thing they have in common.

  • Finish your poop.

  • As you stand up, look down. This is the sight that greets Martha Stewart every morning in her mansion. This is the sight that greets Prince Charles every morning in his castle. No matter your skin color, your religion, or your sex, this is proof of your membership in the human race.

  • This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.

  • Flush the toilet.

  • Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic worldview. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.

  • Leave this printout in the bathroom for the next pooper.

  • Don't forget to wipe.

  • Go to and share in mankind's triumph.