ShitVomit

// // 12 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

I own a pet sitting business. One of my clients had converted a ten by twelve foot bedroom into a cat haven, in which she'd placed two litter boxes and some sparse furniture, one piece being a green plastic chair.

Overall, my morning at this client's house started off great; I was not too hungover from the night before. Because I assumed my hangover was mild and I didn't feel the need, I headed off for a morning of pet sitting without taking my notorious after-drinking dump, one that could cause a sewage plant to combust. All I can toot about is that the shit began after arriving at work.

I was minding my own business, sitting in my coveted green, plastic chair reading and petting the kitties, when a forty-five second cramp shot up my ass, leaving me completely breathless and griping the sides of the chair until my knuckles turned white. Once the cramp broke, I checked my shit radar to see if there was an immediate need to dump the outgoing load called (I'll call it Mr. Dookie). Since the urgent shit feeling just wasn't there yet, I continued my reading and petting while repeating my favorite mantra: "You can do it. Mr. Dookie will wait."

A few more minutes passed and the sharp shooting cramping began again, and they were followed by severe stomach gurgling. I began to sweat. Again, I checked with my shit radar and it told me that Mr. Dookie was not ready; I was just experiencing a little gas and it was OK to wait.

For the next couple of minutes I let a symphony of wet, smelly vodka farts loose using my ass wind instrument. After all, lifting your ass from side to side to listen to your toot music bouncing off a plastic chair can be quite amusing. Feeling fairly safe that my trusty brown eye was telling me the truth about Mr. Dookie being able to wait until I arrived home to let loose in my own toilet, I continued reading, farting, petting, farting, repeating my mantra, farting, and counting down the minutes. The wetness and severe sweating should have sent my shit bells ringing at an alarming rate, but I arrogantly ignored the telltale signs, in hopes that my mind control would make Mr. Dookie magically wait. I was wrong to trust my shit radar.

Once the severe butt puckering pains started coming in closer intervals, I knew I was in trouble. Mr. Dookie was more than ready to shoot out of my hole like a bottle rocket.c The horrific, knife-like pains I endured sent me shooting up and down from my chair like a bunny with prey on its ass. All the while, I continued repeating my mantra and counting the minutes until I could get home to my own crap bowl.

Five minutes before I was supposed to leave I knew Mr. Dookie would not wait, since I could feel him knocking to come out. I frantically scanned the room for a place to let Mr. Dookie loose. My four options included: my pants, the floor, the litter box, or a plastic grocery bag. Since I didn’t have much time to ponder and the grocery bag was within arms reach, I grabbed it, pulled my pants down and yes, shit in the bag. Within seconds the stench rose to my nose and I felt the sudden urge to vomit. I pulled the bag from my ass up to my face just in time to vomit into it, right on top of Mr. Dookie. It was not a conscious decision; instinct took over as the fumes were overwhelming. I cleaned up my stinky mess and went on my way with the bag of Mr. Dookie and Mrs. Puke (aka ShitVomit) in hand. What’s a girl to doodoo?

The moral to this story is don’t ever trust an asshole.

12 Comments on "ShitVomit"

flushette's picture
l 100+ points

poor kitties.


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When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Shuking sucks. Wasn't there a bathroom in the house? If you were cat sitting, no one was home, right? If you had just used the bathroom, you may have avoided the puking all together. However, if that were the case, we probably wouldn't be reading about it. Good decision making as far as a good poop report.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I don't understand the setting. Sounds like you were alone in someone else's house but there was no toilet?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I also am a bit confused by the no bathroom scenario, please explain Mrs. Dookie.


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How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

coachb12's picture

If Mr.Dookie had a baby with Mrs. Puke, I wonder what it would look like. The kitties are thankful you didn't choose their litter box. Don't worry a big cat may kill you but a little pussy never hurt anyone.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points


yeah, what's up with not using your clients bathroom. No sympathy here. It's actually pathetic. As for smelly vodka farts, don't know about that either. Try some serrano pepper infused citron vodka to offset your vomit. The pepper properties might also settle your system, or burn a hole through you

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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

poopinPregger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

You would have been better off pooping in the litter. Then scoop it later once the odor faded.

Mrs. Dookie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Listen up Poopers! Of course there is a bathroom in the house. The old man that lives there was home and he does not allow the use of his bathroom. I am only there for 20 minutes so I normally hold it if I need to go. Use your fucking imagination…Quit posting stupid shit and respond with something funny.
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My favorite nursery rhyme: Milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made...Stick your finger in the hole, out pops a tootsie roll.

My favorite nursery rhyme: Milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made...Stick your finger in the hole, out pops a tootsie roll.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Well, for your sake and for the sake of your client's carpet, I hope that bag was a VERY strong one. A broken bag would totally suck!


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An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Mrs. dookie,use your imagination and pretend I commented something funny. I would like to raise another question. How did you dispose of it?
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More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points


here's something funny...as I drop my drawers and hang you a bare ass! How's that!

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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Mrs. Dookie's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I took it home with me and put it into a trinket box to hang as a wall display. My kids and husband love it!
_______
My favorite nursery rhyme: Milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made...Stick your finger in the hole, out pops a tootsie roll.

My favorite nursery rhyme: Milk, milk, lemonade around the corner fudge is made...Stick your finger in the hole, out pops a tootsie roll.

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