Pooping On The Clock
For whatever reason, I had to take a looooong dump at work earlier this week, because a weekend of my ingesting opiates and Raisin Bran led to a giant slow mover. A grogan snail. A dopey dirt-snake. This meant I had time to ponder on the subject of how much time I have spent taking a shit whilst being paid for it.
I have been a salaried person for quite awhile now. I am paid the same each month, no matter how many hours I work. Those who pay me want me to work quite a lot to get their money's worth, and I desire to work as little as possible to make the salary worthwhile. In the end, only one of us profits, and goddammit, that one is going to be me.
Lets run some "loose" numbers here? Almost every day I spend anywhere from two to ten minutes taking the Browns to the Superbowl. Both ten minutes and two minutes represent the extremes. Sometimes I just sit down and fart, admit that it isn't going to happen, and go back to work. Other times I am doubled over with cramps, shitting out a quarter of my own body's weight, and end up taking five minutes or more just to wipe up. But most of the time, it's a routine deal of about three to five minutes, so let's work with four minutes as a running average.
There are 365 days in a year. 104 of them are weekends, and I have about three weeks of total vacation and sick days, which totals 21 days. These add up to 125 days a year off. So, if we subtract 125 from 365, we are left with 240 -- 240 work days per year.
Assuming that I take four minutes per day of good shitting time, I spend about 960 minutes per year dumping at work. That's about 16 hours, or two entire work days, on the toilet. That is straight shitting time, not hand-washing time. So, I get paid two full days per year just taking a shit!
I also estimate about there are about eight hours of piss time in that year. Then, we can say there are roughly 24 hours of total bathroom time, or three entire work days spent in the can per year.
I can only imagine how much time I am using when I do diddly squat at work -- you know, staring at my computer screen, making personal calls, walking around with a piece of paper and looking like I am doing something, waiting for the copier to warm up, socializing, getting coffee, web surfing, eating lunch.. When you think about it, I am probably doing maybe three and-a-half hours of good solid work per day, and getting paid mostly for taking shits and walking around. What a time to be alive!