Pooping On The Clock

l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

For whatever reason, I had to take a looooong dump at work earlier this week, because a weekend of my ingesting opiates and Raisin Bran led to a giant slow mover. A grogan snail. A dopey dirt-snake. This meant I had time to ponder on the subject of how much time I have spent taking a shit whilst being paid for it.

I have been a salaried person for quite awhile now. I am paid the same each month, no matter how many hours I work. Those who pay me want me to work quite a lot to get their money's worth, and I desire to work as little as possible to make the salary worthwhile. In the end, only one of us profits, and goddammit, that one is going to be me.

Lets run some "loose" numbers here? Almost every day I spend anywhere from two to ten minutes taking the Browns to the Superbowl. Both ten minutes and two minutes represent the extremes. Sometimes I just sit down and fart, admit that it isn't going to happen, and go back to work. Other times I am doubled over with cramps, shitting out a quarter of my own body's weight, and end up taking five minutes or more just to wipe up. But most of the time, it's a routine deal of about three to five minutes, so let's work with four minutes as a running average.

There are 365 days in a year. 104 of them are weekends, and I have about three weeks of total vacation and sick days, which totals 21 days. These add up to 125 days a year off. So, if we subtract 125 from 365, we are left with 240 -- 240 work days per year.

Assuming that I take four minutes per day of good shitting time, I spend about 960 minutes per year dumping at work. That's about 16 hours, or two entire work days, on the toilet. That is straight shitting time, not hand-washing time. So, I get paid two full days per year just taking a shit!

I also estimate about there are about eight hours of piss time in that year. Then, we can say there are roughly 24 hours of total bathroom time, or three entire work days spent in the can per year.

I can only imagine how much time I am using when I do diddly squat at work -- you know, staring at my computer screen, making personal calls, walking around with a piece of paper and looking like I am doing something, waiting for the copier to warm up, socializing, getting coffee, web surfing, eating lunch.. When you think about it, I am probably doing maybe three and-a-half hours of good solid work per day, and getting paid mostly for taking shits and walking around. What a time to be alive!

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11 Comments on "Pooping On The Clock"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Pinworm, there used to be an iPhone app that added up the time you spent in the bathroom while on the clock. It was called My Poop Pay. Now it seems as if it's been removed from the U.S. iTunes stores, though. I wonder why.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

You need a better job, or a better attitude toward your current one. Pooping and peeing are normal activities of a day, and legitimately taking time out for them is surely part of the budget for most companies. I was in the work force for 53 years and never had the issue arise, though I did not hesitate to visit the bathroom when I had to go. On the other hand, I enjoyed my work enough that I had no wish to languish in the bathroom.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Pinworm, I'm sure your boss spends just as much time in the head as you do. It's pretty much universal and unstoppable. You aren't screwing anyone, except with the other nonsense.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

God, you're lucky. In the lab where I work, I am usually so busy that I don't even have time to pee, let alone take a whole 5 minutes to poop. Actually, when I work nights, there are only two of us in the lab and when my co-worker is on her lunch, I can't leave at all--even if I really have to go (actually, I've violated that policy once or twice in case of emergencies). I suppose it's a good thing that I'm so regular that I always go first thing in the morning, before I go to work.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

youtheotube2's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

As a thirteen year old, I have a first job working for my neighbor. I make $5 an hour which is pretty damn good for someone my age. At the end of the week on payday, during the summer I made up to $120 a week, now during school only about $60 a week. And I don't have any taxes or bills to pay so that's all my money I get to keep! But I still wish I was like you and got paid salary.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

errr.....that's some math i can do without..but glad you are sticking it to "The Man" through ass vice-ing.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

snowballingblood's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

At my former job, of which I was paid hourly + commission, I used to fully relish my time on the bog. I am a man who doesn't shy from the pleasures in life, but knows what they cost - most mornings I usually had to pound the coffee and rush my way into work after a swell time at the bar: and this has resulted in lots of shites at work. I would've spent longer in there if not for other male coworker's inane jabs at my morning routine. I guess by either looking under the stall-gap for my shoes or perhaps by the boozy scent of my shites, they always knew it was me. One asshole used to demand I "courtesy flush" - I told him to f**k off, and just for that I was going to let it bathe in the toilet for another five minutes. Also once after a night of extra heavy whiskey drinkin', the pungent aroma was so vile that as I left the stall to wash my hands and get back to my duties in audio sales, an innocent coworker I got along with began heaving and beginning to puke while he pissed in the urinal.

Myself and a couple buddies who worked there were well known for stinking up the bathroom so bad that some of the more feeble-phallused males decided to begin patronizing the women's restroom.

Alas, my old company got sued for like $10m and is pretty much bankrupt now - and the part time work keeping me afloat doesn't even have me there in the morning so I don't have to poo there at all. =(

To have to take the kids to the pool at work is the #1 sign of a healthy economy, at least to me.

No matter how hard you try to poop, a penguin can do it harder.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I have a unique rectum I guess. It signals me when it is ready to drop a load and not when it is just remotely considering dropping da brown bomb. My grogans are usually rather unpleasant to smell so I am happy to enter the throne room, sit, release my turdage within a matter of seconds, tidy up my ring-piece, wash my hands and leave the room for the next victim..er user.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

PINWORM's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I agree, I have a "shitty" attitude towards work because I hate my job. Like most, I am stuck in it for the time being..but to offset the exploitation and misery I feel it my doody to hold it in until I get to the office and waste productive work time with mere "productive" time! I would poop MORE at work if I could. If I had it in me, I would spend half the day laying cable and wipe my butt with my next performance review!

I liked my old job better, but alas I had to leave for a spousal relocation and I just found out they eliminated my old job so I guess I dodged a bullet. Anyhow, in that job I traveled the country, pooping all over America's airport and hotels..and EXPENSING it all! That was a sweet deal.

Anonymous's picture

Being an hourly schlub I relish rolling squirrels at work with my trusty Sudoku puzzle book stealthly hidden in my smock.

Another fun trick is when you notice a coworkers shoes and yell, "BOOM BOOM! Out Go the Lights!" before shutting the lights off and leaving them to wipe in the dark. This when having you cell phone comes in handy as a lght source for the wiping process cuz I dont care how many wipes I do, if its done blindly its never good enough.

Anonymous's picture

I have a cup of coffee and two cigarettes on my drive to work, and I'm already prairie dogging it by the time I pull into my job's parking lot.

Still, I log into my computer, do about 10 minutes of work, and head into the shitter to drop what is always a foul, impatient load. I swear my colon is now just trained to behave this way.

Good things come to those who wait.

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