The Poop That Wasn't There

// // 36 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

The other day I was at my desk, and after about the fourth cup of coffee, nature was calling on both ends.

Wait. Let me back up twelve hours. Dinner the night previous was large to say the least. After I had finished jogging, the nuggets, sandwiches and waffle fries from Chick-fil-A, were just not doing it for me; and the need to eat almost an entire Hungry Howie’s large pepperoni pizza was undeniable. Gorged and happy, I rolled myself off the couch and went to bed.

When I awoke the next morning, the movement had not yet begun. The 'I ate too much' discomfort was still with me, but I thought nothing of it. I was completely unaware that the upcoming day was going to turn out to be one of the most special days of my life.

So, when the feeling came I was quite relieved - and I’m not going to lie – a little proud and anxious to see this loaf of a shit I was going to lay down. Would it be a two-flusher? Maybe, would it need three? I ventured fourth to the toilet and left all reading material behind, because I knew I would need all my wits about me. I would have to use my full concentration and commitment to get through this alive.

I sat and prepared with the usual moderate shifting to get oneself ‘in alignment’; and not wanting to strain myself, I kicked one leg out by the stall door and one back by the base of the bowl for added stability. Then, for just in case, I reached out and firmly grasped hold of the handicap bar on the adjacent wall. Now that I was all ready and poised for Armageddon, it was time for The Big Push; and to my surprise with the first little squeeze, my little number two shot fourth from my sphincter like a torpedo exiting its submarine host.

Before I had a chance to process what had happened, a feeling of instant relief ran throughout my body. The tingle that coursed through it let me know I once again had enough room for all of my organs, and after taking a deep breath (yes, everything happened so fast and I took a deep breath in the shitter, not my best hour) I was at peace.

Quivering with relief and satisfaction, it was time to inspect my prize. Timidly I lifted up and forward to get a glimpse of this monster. Using both hands to move my generously-sized man handle, I peered down and… what did find?

Nothing! That's right, I had my first actual ghost shit, a self flusher. The Poltergeist Poo!

I was aghast to say the least. I was so dumbfounded, I admit, I even peered over the side of the bowl to make sure it hadn’t somehow escaped. I was half expecting to see the little demon floundering around on the floor like a freshly caught fish in the bottom of a boat.

I have heard speak of these before, usually nothing more than a whisper in the hushed corners of the illicit and unmentionable. Uttered with more conjecture and hearsay than anything else, they have been claimed to have occurred to a friend of a friend of a friend; so never in my wildest of dreams did I think this most elusive of events would ever happen to me.

I have thought about my phantom often since it came into my life and now with each movement since. Now that I’m sure there are more to come, there is a half second of anticipation as I peer down in to the bowl, hoping that the ghost poo will cross my path again.

If you have not heard of said rumors and stories, there are many key elements one must consider in the science of said little banshee:

1.) Significant mass and density; a floater or even semi-naturally buoyant poo wont doo. It must sink like a stone.

2.) A proper angle of departure; if anything less than exact turd angulations are executed, the ghoul is doomed to the basin.

3.) Adequate propulsion; a critical speed must be reached to break through the barrios and overcome the friction.

4.) Shape; torpedo-like construction is essential to a straight and true flight.

5.) Bowel and siphon architecture; if the depth of the water is too great or the angles of the drain are too severe, the feat is impossible.

36 Comments on "The Poop That Wasn't There"

Anonymous Coward's picture

Good story, but a flaw in your logic. in order for the turd to be a ghost, it acually has to FLOAT not sink. the turd is actually floating on the other side of the bend. had it been a sinker, it would immediately return to the base of the bowl. you had the propulsion and the angle right.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

A.C. is right about the science of sinkers. I get ghost poo quite often, Its a disappointment sometimes.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Woooooo oooo wooo oooo. The voice of ghost poo paaaast. I'm going to eat you. Woooo ooo oooo.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

poop nazi's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'd rather not have a ghost turd. I like to enjoy my masterpiece before I flush it.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I`ve never had one of these elusive beasts. There must be a toilet designer who could come up with the ideal pan for firing off these torpedos.

One thing for sure is that Germans never have these turds due to their weird shelf pans. They`d just nose dive and stand up independently like a stalagmite.

The voice of sanity

The Ghost Turd's picture

I'm waiting for you LLeeIV. One of these days I am going to return from my watery grave and climb back up your butt.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My butt always spews out more than one chunk so something is always in the bowl for my perusal.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

1)A real dense one would never escape. It must have a heavy-neutral specific gravity, not greater than 1.15. A big, heavy, dense turd would have too much inertia and not make the corner, instead it would hit the porcelain too hard and deform.
2)Angle of departure is indeed critical, it helps to sit forward on the seat and then lean forward, aiming the chute back a bit.
3)Certainly a minimum muzzle velocity of 9.5 ft/sec is required to boost the ghost around the corner.
4) Turd shape is the most important aspect: straight and short is best.
5) Without the proper toilet geometry, a phantom will never get out, a big looping trap with wide opening enhace the chances.

Also, you must keep in mind the probability of a ghost poopy actually being "self-flushing" is very, very small. After going around two corners in a viscous environment, there should be no energy left. The turd has most likey barely made the corner and got a bit sideways, preventing it from settling back into the bottom of the bowl, and now you can't see it.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Sounds more like stealth technology.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Dungdaddy, it all sounded good except for the viscousity of the water. I don't think its viscous at all.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You've got some questionable assumptions. Your basic gravitational acceleration constant is 32 ft/sec^2. Based on that, your basic falling object in a vacuum would hit 9.8 ft/sec in a little more than a quarter second and that's assuming that the turd is just hanging from your poopchute when it starts its descent. At these relatively low seeds, the drag caused by atmosphere would be negligible, so the turdminal velocity would not be a real factor.

Of course, if your butt is pitching a fastball, you would have a much higher velocity on your turd as it hit the water. And once in the water, drag would be a significant factor even at low speeds. I'm going to have to go back and reconsider Bernoulli's equation on this one.

I hope this helps clear things up on the physics of the situation.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Water is viscous. Viscosity is the property that represents how a fluid resists shearing forces. Water is more viscous, for example, than air. Viscosity contributes to drag. That water is going lubricate the motion of the turd, but it will also slow it to a halt.

poopsathome's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

OMG! This just happened to me I went to admire my masterpiece too and to my surprise there was nothing. Well I'm relieved to know that I'm not the only one who has had a ghost poo.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I've only experienced one of these mysterious poops in my lifetime... Like the no-wiper, I was left second guessing myself for several minutes.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Okay i understand now Dungdaddy.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I was sitting here laughing at you guys for the last few days about your ghost poops. Well this afternoon I had just gotten finished taking a dump, and when I looked, I saw nothing but water. Just as I was going to look a bit closer, out pops that little fucker from around the bend and yells BOO. Scared the living daylights out of me. I wanted to strangle the little son-of-a-bitch, but that could have gotten quite messy.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Doesn't woooooo oooo oooo mean the same as booooooooo ooooo oooo?
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Um....have you seen the movie "Porky's", SP? Woooo ooooo oooo definitely has a different connotation.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

No, Bilge, I haven't. Well, I meant the boo connotation.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

If you wanna always see your poop, before you sit take a length of TP ond fold it into a long rectangle and lay it in the water. Your poop will land on it and not slide down the hole.I discovered this by accident.
I REALLY REALLY need to get out more.

curious's picture

just a question. do u guys study fecal matter? have you ever touched the poop? are these stories real? any criminal or mental health histories? would appreciate anyone commenting or answering one and or all questions ty.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

First of all, that's 4 fucking questions, Curious. The answers, in order, are: No, No, most of them, and several, I'm sure.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

There is a department at Doggin/Thunderbutt Institute of Scatology where fecal matter on underwear is studied. Dr. Doggin and Dr. Thunderbutt inspect the soiled underwear personally.br>_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Do you guys study fecal matter? I can speak only for myself. Yes, I study fecal matter. In particular, I study my own every time I take a dump just before I flush it. That is, of course, unless its a ghost turd. In which case, the turd gets a pass.

Have you ever touched poop? Again, speaking purely for myself, of course I have. You aren't living unless you've touched poop. I'm probably not the only person here who's ever handled their own skidmarked underwear from the skidmarked side. I doubt that I'm the only person that's ever had a TP malfunction while cleaning up after a particularly nasty bout of diarrhea. I am also a parent. Anyone who's ever had to take care of an infant knows that invariably the parent's hands and the kid's shit will come into contact at some point during the kid's diaperhood. So, yes, I have scraped more than my fair share of shit out from underneath my fingernails.

Are these stories real? Again, speaking strictly for myself, my front page stories are true. There might be some embellishment but not enough that I would call it a lie or an outright fabrication. Every Poop Reporter has a right to Pooetic license.

Any criminal or mental health histories? Again, speaking for myself, I do have a criminal record and have experienced mental health problems. However, am I fucking nuts and a danger to society? No. I hold a job, I pay my taxes, I take care of my family, I help my neighbors, I'm a member of the PTA. I'm living the middle-class suburban dream, except for the stupid part about driving an SUV. I don't understand how any person with a lick of sense could ever drive an SUV. They're such fucking fuel inefficient vehicles. It just makes me so fucking angry when I see them lined up at the gas station waiting to suck down the gas that my little 30 mpg compact car saves. It makes me ask myself why do I take the bus so often? Why should I be the only one making sacrifices? Am I doing it just so that some thoughtless asshole can get his 20 gallons for cheap? Hell, no. It just pisses me off so much that I feel like ...feel like ...like I could just shoot somebody. But I digress. Any fucking community would be gawddamn proud to have me and my family.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to set out on the front porch, drink a beer and clean my AK-47. I find that's a really calming activity, very good for the soul. BTW, can any of you tell me where Nathan P. Johnson lives?
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

turdistheword's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

What happened to you is not all that uncommon, like most folks, I always called 'em ghost shits, until 9/11 - now I call 'em Cheney Children, that 'ol undisclosed location y'know...BTW, new and happy to join you all, my kid fibermonkey is coming along right behind me (you'd think at his age he'd have moved from there...)

And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Welcome to poopreport, turdistheword.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

turdistheword's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thank you very kindly, SP & everybody who poops...
_______________________________________________
And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Dearest curious,
But of course we study fecalmatter, we are all fecologists.
Surely we touch poo, how else would we get all up in that shit and study it?
Are the stories real? How the hell should I know, I'm busy studying and touching poops!
Criminal or mental health histories? Well duh!Sometimes we do both in one day, depends on if its meds day.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

buttrocket asspollo 13's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

to avoid aghost poo flush as you push the flush swirl will intercept the turdjectory of the missile and get caught in the riptide qickly turn an get a look before it is took avoiding the disapointment of not ever seeing that possible rec ord breaking buttrock

hockyoligist's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


_______
if your gonna be a bear be a grizzly being a plumber I have touched more than my share of poop. I used to really fear going into public places like Shoneys with stopped up sewers and poop floating all over the place, its amazing how folks will go on with their meals with poop balls floating on the flooded floor

if your gonna be a bear be a grizzly

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

You know, I've gone into several Shoneys and have yet to see a grizzly bear plunging a toilet. Is this one up in Alaska?

Anonymous Coward's picture

OMG, that happened to me once too! I was like, "WTF? Oh, it prolly went in the pipes already. Cool."

seat filler's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Have you checked for dimensional rifts in your toilet?

Shitnannigans's picture

You know, when I fire my rear-thrusters, I really enjoy the icy-smooth feeling I get. I totally dig my creamy goodness. As for fantom feces, I hate those :( They make me very sad. We professional Scatologists have work ahead of us. And as for studying poo, why yes. Yes I do. And as I am on a laptop, I can proudly report that I am being triumphant right now. Captain Poo out.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I experience ghost shits occasionally and yes, I feel robbed. The only evidence that it ever is existed is the slightest skid mark under the water line.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

Jean Paul Sarte- Existential Bowel Movement And Its Relation To The Human Gene Pool: Beyond The Porcelain

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

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