One Lane Over

// // 7 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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Today I shit myself on the way home from work. I got stuck in traffic.

The day started out like any other day. I got up, ate my cereal, and I went to work. When lunch rolled around the day changed. One of the girls in the office asked me to have lunch with her. I don’t know her very well, and I think she might have a crush on me, but I’m not sure. She paid, which was great, and she left me alone for the rest of the day, which was even better.

At lunch I ordered a seafood soup because I like clams and shrimp. The soup was really good, but it was too big to eat at one time. I took the rest of the soup that I didn’t eat back to my desk in a styrofoam cup and snacked on it during the afternoon. I only did this because the soup didn’t smell; I hate it when someone eats tuna or something else smelly at his desk.

By four o’clock I had eaten the rest of the soup, and all that was left in the cup were a few clam shells and parts of a crab claw. As I scooped up the last of the broth I noticed that it was oily and garlicky. Good stuff, Maynard. Good stuff. By five o’clock I was tossing the cup into the giant trash bag by the elevators and heading down to my car. I felt fine.

Fast forward to five-thirty. I am now in traffic and on Connally Loop, and the traffic is backed up. I am unable to get over to my exit lane. And that’s when it hits me – I have to dump and I have to dump now. The rumbling in my lower regions is so bad that I have to raise my ass off the car seat. The cramps cause me to inhale and exhale like I’m in labor.

When the fart escapes I can’t believe how bad it smells. I know at this point that I have sharted my shorts because the fart feels less like a fart and more like I’ve oiled my ass and happened to fart at the same time. The fart is secondary. My windows are up and the air conditioning is on because it’s hot, but the car begins to smell so bad that I debate which is worse, the smell or the heat.

I decide to brave the smell. It’s over ninety degrees outside.

As traffic begins to move I make a break for the right lane, and as I shift gears it happens – I pull my right foot off the gas and lose control of my butt muscle. I crap my pants. I think a bullfrog is in my shorts. Brapping ripples through my shorts, my pants, and reverberates throughout the interior of the car. On impulse I look to my left, wondering if anyone next to me has seen that I’ve shit myself. I don’t know why I do this. No one could tell if I just shit myself… unless I have “I just shit myself” face.

I guess I don’t. The guy next to me is talking into his Bluetooth and thankfully by now I’m in the right lane, one exit past my usual exit.

I drive the extra two miles back to my usual route with liquidy shit now creeping up my back and causing my butt and thighs to squelch together. What is this doing to my car seat? Son of a bitch.

I have an incredibly hard time sneaking up to my apartment without being seen; surely the guy in the parking lot saw the wet patch covering my crotch, ass, and legs. As I sneak up the steps I wonder if I’m leaving a trail. I can feel something soaking into my socks.

It takes me an hour to clean myself up and air out my car. My car, by the way, stinks. It will take me days to get rid of the stink and polish the seat.

On a whim, I text my co-worker and ask if she felt alright after lunch. She responds that she feels just fine and asks why.

There’s no way I’m going to tell her why.

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7 Comments on "One Lane Over"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

" I took the rest of the soup that I didn’t eat back to my desk in a styrofoam cup and snacked on it during the afternoon. I only did this because the soup didn’t smell; I hate it when someone eats tuna or something else smelly at his desk."

You would not have liked working with me, I was not allowed to eat while working in the prep room (I was a meat cutter) but I never ate anything in the break room that wasn't stinky. Fermented duck embryos, durian fruit, century eggs, limburger cheese, spicy fermented squid, kemchi, and anything else I could find that I knew would get a rise out of my coworkers.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

She probably didn't get sick because she's not an idiot and didn't leave seafood soup at room temperature for 4 hours expecting it to be "fine". Come on, leaving seafood soup on your desk for several hours and still eating it is basically asking for food poisoning. I'm surprised you didn't just put on a Depends before driving home in anticipation of this aftermath.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
:D

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

Runninggirl...I have been guilty of chomping on room temperature seafood (including sushimi, seafood soups, pozole/with pork, and on and on) many times without any gastro-distress.... Big Tex, you had a bad reaction to some tainted seafood. Some bad luck.
Do share with this co-worker..she may develop a bigger crush, but most certainly, a nice laugh aloud.

Chief, today at work I let loose a can of sardines in olive
oil..and crushed into a broccoli, red onion, tomato, apple, and kidney bean salad...with pride!
Oh, and you will be happy to know I christened a cute bartender Kimchee ...to her utter delight and acceptance.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

ttbl, If you can find them get some sardines packed in sardine oil. They have a magnificent flavor and the fish oil adds a few "splutters" to your farts.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

TDL's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i laughed my butt off!!!! thnx for the laugh TOTALLY made my day!!!!

Anonymous's picture

OMG i had to walk away from my desk I was laughing so hard. I tried to explain to a co-worker what was so funny and it took me some time to get it out. Certainly longer than it took you to "get it out"

Thanks for the laugh

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