Neither Rain Nor Sleet ... Nor Crap in her Pants

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Neither rain, nor sleet, nor crap in my pants will stop this letter carrier from making her appointed rounds...

In late summer of 2012, I had been dealing with an unexplained weight gain. My thyroid had been removed in 2007, so I should have looked at that first, to see if my medication needed adjustment. But, oh, no; why do things the easy way?

My best friend lost about 25 pounds due to a low-carb diet and
urged me to try it as well. "The pounds will just melt right off,"
she said, forgetting that she has a well-working thyroid that could adjust to diet changes.

Two months later, I had lost eight pounds but felt miserable, tired, and depressed. I ate virtually no carbs, but because I work as a letter carrier, it was tough enough to do my job with no energy reserves.

One day, I was assigned to an all-day walking route: a loop. For you non-postal folk out there, a loop is a block's worth of mail that covers both sides of the street. I had about 20 loops that day, and halfway through this arduous route, I felt like I was about to drop. On top of that, this diet made me churn out some serious farts. Every 10-to-15 minutes, I would emit a Chernobyl-like gas that would have most likely felled anyone right behind me.

With about two more loops to go, I was seriously rethinking this diet and the damage it was doing to my body, not to mention the fact that my worn starfish felt like it had a blowtorch applied to it. I made the fatal mistake of thinking I would just grab a quick energy drink, a low-carb one, in fact: Monster Energy. Raspberry. It tasted terrible. I downed it in a few short gulps. That'll do the trick!

Oh, did it ever.

Halfway through the first of those last two loops, my stomach emitted some warning grumbles, but pressed on, passed some painful gas, and kept moving. Walk, churn, fart.

Walk, churn, fart.

When I reached the last three houses on that loop, a particularly big bubble of gas began to form in my nether regions. Well, better out than in, I thought, and eased the pucker open. A huge jet stream of that cruel, chemical-laced gruel shot forth and created a corrosive puddle in my underpants: a truly disgusting mix that felt like jalapeno juice mixed with very loose chili. Oh, fuck me running with scissors, I thought.

While my security had been breached, I needed to stop any further damage, and so I clenched my bottom shut, cursing myself for being so trusting of a fart. I had suffered from IBS in the past; I knew better! I looked at my watch and saw I had less than 25 minutes to complete my work and be back at the post office to get the outgoing mail on the truck in time. I hustled back in a fast waddle to my truck, did not sit fully down, and drove to the last corner to deliver my last loop. For the first time with my weight gain, I was thankful that my underpants were a bit on the tight side. I walked fast, praying that the puddle of liqui-shit wouldn't reveal itself in a massive stain on my bottom.

I finished, gave my outgoing mail to my supervisor, punched out, and hightailed it to the air-conditioned bathroom. As I sat down and unleashed the rest of my fecal fury in a volcanic burst, I looked down at my underpants. Poor tightie-whities. Destroyed forever.

I got home, threw the brutalized panties out, cleaned myself up, and ate a carb-rich meal, complete with lean meat, grilled vegetables, and a big fluffy sweet potato. Unsurprisingly, the toxic farts were no more, and I didn't have any bowel blowouts after that.

The moral of the story? Don't trust quick fad diets, don't drink energy drinks, and never--ever--trust a fart, even if your previous ones were without any extra sauce.

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11 Comments on "Neither Rain Nor Sleet ... Nor Crap in her Pants"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Make me think of the time I was working in a meat prep room with several others when I felt what I thought was a bubble of gas descending through my bowels and heading for the exit sphincter AKA my asshole. Normally I would have eased it out and hoped that it was odorless but since one of my coworkers was using a band saw that was in need of a new upper bearing I surmised that the noise of the saw would conceal any noise made by my fart. I gave a little push to help the fart along but my plans went awry.

The escaping fart made a noise like that annoying sound a kid makes with their soda straw when they keep sucking on it after the glass is empty. At the same time I felt a sudden dampness in my boxers that could only mean one thing. I had shit my pants!

I did the penguin walk to the bathroom and concealed myself in a stall. I had to wait a few minutes for the others in the room to clear out before I could remove my pants and do some cleaning up. Remarkably my shorts had contained the half pint or so of custard like poo and my trousers were relatively unscathed.

I rolled the shorts into a ball and deposited them into the trashcan and returned to work. I think my contribution to that days trash went unnoticed, at least I heard no comments from our janitorial staff in the break room.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Shogun's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Chief, that's gotta suck. I've been pretty careful about the way I eat and then farting afterwards; IBS will teach you a few things about that. I learned the hard way that those low-carb diets are terrible for you.
I am still a bit overweight, but I feel great thanks to eating OK, taking probiotics and enzymes, and exercise. Oh, of course, and lots of laughter, thanks to this site......
Thanks again for reading, hope my next story is even better.

"Just a regular gal"

Shogun

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Good for you Shogun. In honor of your proclaiming that you're "just a regular gal" and you work for the USPS I have decided to stop putting snakes in my mailbox.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

That's because none of the Janitorial staff survived the onslaught when then pulled the liner from the trash can, Chief.

Great story, Shogun. It's funny/odd that you should experience gas and runs with a low-carb diet. When I do the low carb diet, my turds turn to bricks, and I get very little gas.

Anonymous's picture

Great story Shogun. I just sprayed my mailbox with Lysol.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Great story Shogun. I just sprayed my mailbox with Lysol.

Anonymous's picture

Do I see some copying here?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Do I see some copying here?

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Chief, everything is normal. Are you seeing double again? Better lay off the moonshine before coming on here.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Well hell, someone has to keep cousin Cletus in business,

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

PINWORM's picture
l 100+ points

No wonder you guys go "postal". Post Traumatic Diarrhea Disorder.

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