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A Paramedic's Priorities
Submitted by Fecal_Matters
April 29, 2005, 42 Comments

In my job as a paramedic, one minute you are sleeping, five minutes later you are in someone's house helping someone live. So unlike most jobs, there are times when I don't have the comfort of a nearby home crapper. For dinner, my partner recommended Taco Bell; and for some strange reason, I...

Judas Shoes
Submitted by Poopster39
April 13, 2005, 53 Comments

I hate wearing new leather sneakers. They're just so white and obvious. Like putting a blue bonnet on a pig. Everyone notices. And having OCD, I simply don't like to draw unnecessary attention to myself. As a result, my attire has always been somewhat middle-of-the-road. Nothing fancy or flashy....

The Stolen Stall
Submitted by Dave
April 7, 2005, 59 Comments

Stall number one in my office bathroom has been stolen. There are four stalls and two urinals in the men's bathroom here on the 16th floor of the big-time New York ad agency where I work -- the four stalls on the right, the sinks and then the urinals on the left. The setup is a tight, so much so...

AM, FM, and BM: The Art Of On-Air Poopin
Submitted by The Big Wiper
March 11, 2005, 31 Comments

In a previous poop report blending the distant radio days of my youth with the Canterbury Tales, I hinted at everyday life in the control room, but did not offer a lot of details. I will now address the question frequently asked of disc jockeys by dedicated listeners and groupies alike: how do...

Grampa Paper Towel
Submitted by Moduz
March 8, 2005, 33 Comments

I am normally not one to frequent the secondary commode while at work. But sometimes when you eat a big lunch the rumble hits you at the right spot and it is just time to go. This exact situation happened to me last Tuesday; so, around about 1:20 PM, I grabbed a paper ass gasket and hit up the...

Mire In The Hole
Submitted by Pill Pooper
February 24, 2005, 31 Comments

I've had a lot of jobs during my short life on our beautiful planet. As stated in my previous PoopReport, some of them have been pretty fun and some of them have been pretty gruesome. One of the more memorable jobs I held was with the phone company during the summer of 2000. Anyone out there...

The Assistant Plumber's Life
Submitted by Pill Pooper
February 2, 2005, 46 Comments

I'm going to start this poop report with a stern warning: if you are easily grossed out or offended, you might want to pass this one by. Now don't get me wrong, I understand that since you read PoopReport, you must not be easily grossed out. Still, don't say I didn't warn you. I've held many...

Pickle Lunch
Submitted by Shitty Shitty B...
January 10, 2005, 28 Comments

For over twelve years I was a competitive wrestler, including for a Big Ten powerhouse in college. Like most wrestlers, I've had to cut a lot of weight in order to wrestle in the correct weight class. This often limited my daily caloric intake to orange juice ice cubes, yogurt, bullion, shots of...

The Air Up There
Submitted by Cap'n Crap
January 3, 2005, 28 Comments

As an airline pilot, it is very important to project an image of quiet confidence, reserve, and professionalism. Especially while jumpseating -- that is, traveling in uniform as a passenger, hitching a ride and sitting in the cockpit's extra seat. And there I was, a young first officer (co-pilot...

Before These Crowded Seats
Submitted by Obi-Dung Kenobi
December 2, 2004, 27 Comments

If human mortification can be measured on a scale of one to ten, I suppose the spectrum ranges from a mild Oh-Boy-Are-My-Cheeks-Red to the catastrophic Better-Move-Out-Of-Town-And-Change-My-Name. Of course, the great thing about a sense of humor is that it can do a lot towards shaving a few points...

Inspection Day
Submitted by The Baron von P...
November 30, 2004, 25 Comments

When I was twenty, I was given the opportunity to manage my own store within a corporation of small electronics stores. I won't plug them, but I will say that it's the place in every town across this nation where you can go and pick up a couple transistors or diodes to fix your broken television...

The Hunt For The Mad Shitter
Submitted by Gene I.
November 12, 2004, 28 Comments

In the late 90s, while attending college at Ohio University in Athens, I worked for two years at a shitty little grocery/hardware store on Richland Avenue called C&E. The place was owned by an old, bitchy, cheapskate cunt named Evelyn. C&E stood for Charles and Evelyn, but we all called it...

The Strange Conversationalist
Submitted by Crappin in VT
October 26, 2004, 34 Comments

Last night, for Game Four of the American League Championship Series, I made my world famous Boston Lager Chili. That's right -- in addition to being a Shameful Shitter, I am also a Red Sox's fan. I make the chili for all the big games, and of course I enjoy the Sam Adams as I use it to cook. I...

Me And My Cameraman
Submitted by The Big Wiper
October 25, 2004, 24 Comments

Right after grad school, I briefly tried a number of professions before settling as a publisher's rep and writer full-time. One very interesting and hectic six-month stint in the early '80's saw me producing a syndicated Southern college football highlights show on a shoestring budget. My crew...

A Tale Of Two Shitties
Submitted by The Big Wiper
September 22, 2004, 27 Comments

For a couple of years after grad school, I worked in the hospitality industry down in New Orleans. "Hospitality" is the modern, trendy term for toiling in the tourism/hotel/convention business. My job included enticing association executives to book their conventions in New Orleans by inviting...

Shits And Giggles
Submitted by Mike R.
September 17, 2004, 25 Comments

A few years ago I worked as a machine operator at a local glassware factory. The company was fairly large, and thus the employees were treated to the joys of "Sensitivity Training," including sexual harassment seminars. Unfortunately, the guys I had chosen to buddy-up with at the plant were pretty...

The Echo Chamber
Submitted by Lutz
September 13, 2004, 19 Comments

Late one cold evening, I was starting my shift as an EMT in the hospital emergency room. I had been suffering from gastric problems associated with a bacterial stomach infection, but I was beginning to get pretty comfortable with my infirmity. I thought that if I shat at home before coming to work...

The Big Spill
Submitted by Ziburism
September 2, 2004, 32 Comments

About four years ago, I was employed at a plastics factory. I worked at a machine for twelve hours a day. We got three breaks throughout the course of our shift. One day, I had the overwhelming desire to eat some Taco Bell for my lunch -- but if you wanted that sort of thing, you used up your...

Muddle Management
Submitted by Chickengravy
August 17, 2004, 24 Comments

"I don't care how sick you are -- you have to be here tomorrow." Those words rang in my ears as I sat in my office, perched atop a warm nest of my own milky excrement. The words had been spoken to me the night before by my boss. And tomorrow had become today. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself...

Elevator Action
Submitted by bmoney
July 8, 2004, 34 Comments

It happened in the summer of '03. I work in a fifty-story office tower in downtown Los Angeles. Coming back from lunch at the eatery below the building, I saw two coworkers -- Louie, a small Latino guy; and K-Man, a three hundred pound Persian -- waiting at the bank of elevators to go back to our...

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