The Turd As A Unit Of Weight

m 1+ points - Newb

Let's adopt the turd as the official American unit of mass. Right now Europeans are bitching and whining because we do not use the International System of Units (or the S.I. system). However, the average American thinks the S.I. system is gay, and refuses to give up their rights to a nonsensical measuring system to some snooty, big-headed arrogant European (no matter how snazzy he is dressed).

We refuse even though it is sometimes hard to convert pounds to ounces, and then to pints. I say let's meet them half way.

The average U.S. turd weighs 2.2 pounds. That is exactly one kilogram. By adapting the turd as the unit mass/weight, we will have standardized the unit of mass with something every American understands and can appreciate. Also unlike the kilogram, the standard is not kept under some glass jar in France; it is kept right in your toilet for safe keeping.

Conversions will be easy, because like the European system it will be based on a base ten system. Thus we will have centiturds, milliturds, kiloturds, and megaturds. This will provide endless amusement to children everywhere (and a few adults). This system may seem silly, but the British still use stones, which equal fourteen pounds, as a unit of mass. Surely if they can be weighed in stones, we can be weighed in turds. So I weigh 102 turds. Tonight after I go to the bathroom, I will weigh only 101 turds. See, even dieting is easier with my system. So please tell all your friends. Announce it on Facebook. Let's get the ball rolling.

Editor's note: The amount of poop a person will poop during a day is actually debated and not set in stone. According to some doctors, the average amount of poop a person puts out daily is estimated to be one ounce for every twelve pounds of body weight. Someone who weighs 200 pounds, then, will poop about a pound a day.

If anyone has any credible links to other daily poop estimates for Americans, please let us know. I specify Americans because Indians are said to poop more, and the British are said to poop less.

12 Comments on "The Turd As A Unit Of Weight"

Anonymous Coward's picture

Eric, you need a girlfriend.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Bravo Eric ... What a wonderful idea. It would give us a measuring system that would convert into something understood by the whole world quite easily. I would hate to tell you how many turds I personally weigh but it could easily be described as "a shit pot full."

The drug culture back in the 1970s quickly taught a whole generation the rudiments of converting weights from standard to metric but there is still room for improvement.

Dirty old men need love too!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Cute! Eric, if your turds each weigh 2.2 pounds, you are a Prime Mover in the bowel business. I have read that the average weight of a bowel movement is about 6 ounces. I never believed that; my thought is that it would be closer to a pound--say, 10 or 12 ounces. But a b.m. often consists of several turds, each of which therefore weighs only a fraction of that 10-12 ounces.

I know what--somebody crap on some plastic wrap, carry it to the postal scale, and weigh it! Do that for a few weeks, and you will know the average weight of your movement! Then simply divide that average by the average number of turds per movement, and you can derive the average weight of a turd. See? Simple!

Let us know your results!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points


Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

This story is kilo-stupid.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

American fluid ounces and gallons are totally different to each State would deal with the metric system would be hilarious.

As most Americans who have been to Britain will know, they get drunk far quicker in our pubs, as a pint here is 20% bigger than an American pint.

The voice of sanity

elumpen's picture

So, Mr Editor, does that mean us brits really ARE anal retentives?

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

My daily routine of "fun with the bathroom scales" has proven that a typical, decent-sized, solid turd of mine--about 4" long by 1.5" diameter--weighs 1/2 pound.

My ass hurts just thinking of passing a 2.2 pounder.

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

WMDKitty's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hey, some of us are quite familiar with the metric system. (Thank you, cannabis...) And honestly, I wouldn't mind making the switch, though I think for most Americans it really would be too much to handle.

Anonymous's picture

I was brought up using the good old imperial weights and measures but find the SI (metric) system far better - for one thing, it relates to itself and also doesn't need extra mathematics to convert smaller units up to larger ones. Come on, America - your money is metric (Decimal) so why not get with the 20th century and start using metres, litres etc?

Anonymous's picture

We will consider it, but only if we can spell them as "meter" and "liter".

Actually the US made a half-hearted effort at going metric back in the 70s, but the idea was flushed.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

The hippie community adopted the metric system with open arms back in the 70s. Any freak worth his salt was able to do conversions of ounces to grams and kilos to pounds without even thinking about it.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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