Poop For Peace 2010

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Today, April 17, is Poop For Peace Day. If you're new to celebrating our most holiest of days, don't worry; all you have to is crank out a little poop and think good thoughts while you do in order to participate.

Since Poop For Peace Day fell on a Saturday, and we don't usually post weekend material, I will post the directions from last year. This doesn't mean that you are off the hook when it comes to sharing your experience, though. We want to know that you dropped your pants in good faith, that your belt buckle clinked against that department store linoleum joyfully as you cranked one out, and that you held peace in your heart while you held two-ply in your hand.




HOW TO CELEBRATE POOP FOR PEACE DAY

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2010

poopreport.com/peace



  1. It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.



  • Close the door, bare your butt, and sit on the toilet as normal. Do not, however, yet poop.


  • Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it -- this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.



    There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.



  • Now, let it flow. And as you do --


  • think of the rich man, with all his finery.

    think of the President, with all his worries.

    think of Kim Jong Il, with all his anger.

    think of the Somali people, with all their problems.

    think of Dame Judi Dench, with all her dignity.

    think of the migrant worker, with all his worries.

    think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness.

    think of Alan Greenspan, with all his regret.

    think of John Elway, with all his total awesomeness.

    think of those pirates, with all their desperation.

    think of the Supreme Court, with all its gravitas.

    think of the Simon Cowell, with all his snarkiness.

    think of your mother, with all her love.



    Think of the one thing they have in common.



  • Finish your poop.


  • As you stand up, look down. This is the sight that greets Martha Stewart every morning in her mansion. This is the sight that greets Prince Charles every morning in his castle. No matter your skin color, your religion, or your sex, this is proof of your membership in the human race.


  • This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.



  • Flush the toilet.


  • Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic worldview. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.



  • Leave this printout in the bathroom for the next pooper.


  • Don't forget to wipe.


  • Go to poopreport.com/Peace and share in mankind's triumph.
  • 20 Comments on "Poop For Peace 2010"

    Bilgepump's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    Charlie woke me at 3:30 this morning, so my AM constitutional was early, and nothing to speak of, really. However, with Charlie at my feet, the sleep slowly leaving my eyes, it was a serene moment, where I wished ill will on no one. Don't worry, the moment passed. I have a reputation to maintain.


    _______
    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    "One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

    daphne's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    I dropped the kids off early today, also! Mr. daphne took me out to eat last night, and so my colon was ready to shout from the rooftops.

    I reminded my colon that this was supposed to be a peaceful moment. It did not oblige.

    No one has addressed the concept that your own colon might be a malcontent. Discuss.


    _______
    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    .....hugging bunnies since 1969
    www.daphneszoo.com

    Jack Schitt's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

    My colon was a malcontent, my morning constitutional was more than the usual peaceful poop. After much pushing and fighting my morning dump came out remembering the struggles of many before it. My second go-round on the other hand was uninterrupted leaving me to crap freely and peacefully. May everyone have a peaceful poop, today and everyday.

    craptrina's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    I toilet trotted four times today. So quadruple the peace!

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    I must think the thoughts retroactively, back to my two excellent poops yesterday; the first, early in the morning as usual, took unusually long to emerge and yielded at least a foot-long, together with some smaller ones; the second, after 8 p.m., took some hard pushing (during which I did wonder what various persons in the rest of the world were doing, right that minute) but yielded an excellent thick piece and some smaller ones. Happy PFP day!

    Deja Poo's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

    I didn't leave a dump yesterday. I did donate double red-blood cells, liberate my mother from the nursing home for about 6 hours and take care of The Missus who was calling the dog until 2 am, most likely because of some bad seaweed salad.

    I don't recall wishing anybody any ill will yesterday, so I suppose that will have to do.

    Happy belated Poop for Peace Day!
    _______
    Yo quiero Taco Bell.

    Yo quiero Taco Bell.

    shitake boy's picture
    l 100+ points


    I pooped for peace 5 Times yesterday. I was in the hospital earlier this week,(nothing related to pooping) and unfortunately between the lack of exercise, and lack of food, pooping was few and far between. But I did make up for it yesterday. I think my bowels are back to the IBS bowels I have come to know. Happy belated Poop for Peace Day to all.

    _______
    In search of the ever evasive BM

    In search of the ever evasive BM

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    My morning calm was shattered yesterday by a phone call from a stranger who wanted to let me know he disagreed with the letter to the editor I wrote that had been published in the local paper "The Tennessean" yesterday morning. I had responded to a letter from a hot head a few days ago who had tried to make the point that buying a Japanese car did not help the American economy at all.

    I pointed out in my letter than the paychecks at the local Nissan plant, a few miles from Nashville, put bread on the tables of many locals and that 75% of the parts used at the plant were made in the USA. There is really no such thing as an American car anymore. Car manufacturing has become an international thing.

    Anyway ... back to my phone call I told the jerk I had nothing to say to him and hung up. What kind of idiot would go to the trouble of looking up the phone number of a complete stranger and then call him early on a Saturday.

    Shortly afterwards I took my dump while thinking mildly angered thoughts about this individual. I took a nice peaceful poop this morning in an attempt to atone for yesterday.


    _______
    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

    Postman's picture
    k 500+ points

    Wow....I completely forgot about Poop For Peace Day. I'm afraid I've become a Facebook junkie and don't get here very often anymore. But I will try to rectumfy that situation.

    Chief...you should have found out where he lives and saved your dump for his front porch...just a thought.

    ChiefThunderbutt's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

    Thanks Postman ... I got his phone number off my caller ID and he is unlisted so he can't be bothered by jerks like himself, not that I would consider turd terrorism ... hmmm ... perhaps I could coin another term for that, turdly revenge, or something along those lines.


    _______
    Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

    If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Well, I pooped for peace yesterday :3.

    The BM Man's picture

    I am happy to report that there has been a victory on the front lines in the war against feces.

    I engaged the enemy at approximately 2050 hours. The battle was easily decided, with the casulties falling at approximately the same time. Perhaps the food I ate less than a hour before help me prepare.

    Interestingly, this is not the first time I have had a bowel movement all weekend. I had two earlier today and two yesterday.

    Well, I am going to bandage some wounds and give my casulties a proper burial.

    Rebekkah's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    My colon is a malcontent, for sure. On Friday I had a colonoscopy, and when I was finally re-filled with shit, it was not the celebratory experience I would have hoped: my C. Diff is back. I pooped for peace about 30 times today.

    I hope this is not a breach of protocol, but I added a little poop-prayer for the European airspace, because I have to fly back to Russia soon and won't be able to if Iceland can't get ahold of its rogue ash.

    craptrina's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    Rebekkah, hope you get home safe. Just remember that our Iceland volcano friend is ALSO pooping for peace... In the sky, but pooping nonetheless.

    Poop for the win!'s picture

    Happy belated Poop for Peace Day everyone!

    I just took an amazing poop. It was a very peaceful and flawless experience. I kept expecting something to go wrong, but everything worked out as it should have. I am now feeling that amazing feeling that one gets after a big poop, where you feel 5 pounds lighter and purged of poopie.

    Hope your next poop is a good one everybody! :)

    sittingpretty's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    I didn't poop at all this weekend but I have to poop now it it will be for belated poop peace.
    _______
    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    ...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

    baron von crapalot's picture
    k 500+ points


    given that I have been away from PR for some time, I have had a lot of shit to catch up on. I have to put my hand up(?) and admit to forgetting about this annus event. I initially felt that I had somehow let the cause down, butt in retrospect could my oversight be the catalyst to a year of extra effort at the throne? I feel I may keep a journal as the year progresses, and publish my findings (mainly sweetcorn & tomato skin) as 2011 approaches - poop out people
    ______

    Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

    I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

    Pilgrim's picture

    I was not aware of this important day. Therefore I did not celebrate it. But the described procedure brought back to my mind expriences from last summer. My wife and I joined a group for a pilgrimage. We were walking for three weeks, often through woods and mountains without access to toilets during the day. When feeling the urge when walking the options were either to put it off or to find a spot with some privacy in nature. In the pamphlet presenting the equipment needed etc this was noted:

    You will also need a roll of toilet paper when answering the call of nature outside (pack it in a plastic bag!)

    Certainly everyone had to pee outside, but I also assume that quite many of us had to do no 2. We often started quite early in the morning and I guess that many did not feel the urge before some hours later. Myself I often felt the urge between 9 and 10. If there was suitable conditions (wood, bushes, boulders etc) at the place where we had our first break I preferred to do it then. The first days I was a bit anxious for anyone to come by, but after the first week or so I got quite used to the situation and managed to relax. By then I think I had experienced that at every break people went away alone searching privay. Some to take pictures, som to pick flowers, some to have peace to think and pray and some probably to relieve themselves. I never heard it explicitly mentioned or discussed, but I must admit that I quite often on distance observed white skin and squatting persons in the bushes or behind boulders and certainly someone also occasionally observed me. But I think the awareness when walking away alone was high and everyone tried to avoid walking in on others. But as it was impossible to lock a door and ignore the possible presence of others when sitting there it also made me think about how common this duty is for everyone, at all ages, men and women, priest and lay, rich and poor, friend and enemy. Everyone claiming a circle of privacy. This sence of communion combined with the bodily enjoyment of being relieved brought an extra dimension to the pilgrimage. Also the knowledge that the issue was relevant over 2000 years back made it worth reflection upon (cfr the scripture:

    You shall also have a place outside the camp and go out there, and you shall have a spade among your tools, and it shall be when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and shall turn to cover up your excrement.

    (None of us had a showel and I think some used a stick to mix the waste with soil, others covered with leaves etc and even others just left it on the ground if it was a hidden spot.)

    Not a very exciting post, but still some reflections on peace I hope.

    loglover's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    I'm terribly late to the party, but now that I am enlightened I will anticipate next year's Poop for Peace Day with great excitement!

    Anonymous's picture

    Pooping along the trail when walking a pilgrim path - I guess many of us have the same experience as "Pilgrim" above. Last summer I attended my first pilgrimage and had to get used to going in the bushes. At first a somewhat embarrassing experience, but after some days it was no problem at all. Usually easy to find a secluded spot where one could lower the shorts and get it done in privacy. Most of us did I think.

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