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How To Poop For Peace

Click here for a printable version you can take in the bathroom tomorrow.

In the movie Independence Day, it took an alien invasion and the near-destruction of the planet for humanity to finally unite as a people. Tomorrow's Poop For Peace Day will help humanity achieve the same thing -- the realization that we're all brothers and sisters, united in struggle against the tyranny of the bowel -- without Randy Quaid having to die for the cause.

Our media, our politicians, and our cultural leaders have taught us to see the world as black versus white, as man versus woman, as Christian versus Muslim versus Jew -- a worldview that divides us in violence and struggle instead of uniting us in cooperation and peace. With such powerful biases ingrained in each of us, the only way to transcend these differences is to focus on the only commonality that every single one of us understands: poop.

This is not left-wing or right-wing. This is not an abstract, theoretical exercise. Poop For Peace Day is an event for people of all political affiliations, of all religions, of all cultures. And this is how you do it.


FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2005

Click here for a printable version.

  1. It doesn't matter whether you poop for peace at home, work, or a Starbucks in between. What matters is this: leave your newspaper on the couch. Leave your magazine at your desk. Enter the bathroom with nothing to distract you, with only this printout to guide you.

  • Close the door, bare your butt, and sit on the toilet as normal. Do not, however, yet poop.

  • Instead, focus on that feeling in your colon. Think about it. Savor it. Analyze it -- this pressure, this urgency, this unrelenting imperative no man or woman can deny. Think of the millions of people in your country feeling the exact same urgency at the exact same time. Think of the BILLIONS of people in the world who felt this urgency in the last twenty-four hours.

    There are six billion people in the world, and every single one of us is intimately familiar with the exact sensation you're experiencing right now.

  • Now, let it flow. And as you do --

  • think of the rich man, with all his finery.

    think of the President, with all his power.

    think of Osama bin Laden, with all his anger.

    think of Katherine Hepburn, with all her grace.

    think of the migrant worker, with all his worries.

    think of the Dalai Lama, with all his holiness.

    think of Sandra Day O'Connor, with all her responsibility.

    think of John Elway, with all his prowess.

    think of your mother, with all her love.

    Think of the one thing they have in common.

  • Finish your poop.

  • As you stand up, look down. This is the sight that greets Saddam Hussein every morning in his cell. This is the sight that greets Prince Charles every morning in his castle. No matter your skin color, your religion, or your sex, this is proof of your membership in the human race.

  • This brown monolith, bobbing gently in the jaundiced water, represents the most basic human urges. Each one of us -- popes, presidents, politicians, patriots, peasants, policemen, your parents, and on -- each one of us has the same needs, wants, and desires. We all must eat, must drink, and must poop. Whatever our differences are, they pale in comparison to the great commonality: we are all human beings. And boy, does each of us stink.

  • Flush the toilet.

  • Let the sound of the water cleanse you of your antagonistic worldview. As your stagnant grogan drains down the pipes, let your antipathy drain with it. And that clear, clean, fresh water refilling in the bowl -- let that represent the purity of your soul, refreshed and renewed as your still-quivering asshole.

  • Leave this printout in the bathroom for the next pooper.

  • Don't forget to wipe.

  • Go to and share in mankind's triumph.

  • Those nine simple steps may very well save humanity. We'll find out tomorrow -- Poop For Peace Day. See you then!

    Click here for a printable version. (Are you getting the impression I think you should print it?)

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    has graciously offered a free sample to anyone Pooping For Peace! Email Anthony for information.

    The Daily Download: 3/8/05

    The Boston Pheonix: 3/24/05
    Detroit MetroTimes: 4/6/05
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    14 Comments on "howto"

    Glutgut's picture

    Here here.

    scroat-2's picture

    I just worked it out, assuming an average 100g of poop per person / per day, and a global poopulation of 6.5 billion, that's a total of 650,000 tonnes (~tons) of poop.

    Poopster39's picture
    l 100+ points

    I've decided to poop for peace. How about YOU? Can you join us? Look deep inside yourself. Look past you mind. Go deeper. Look past your heart. Deeper. Now examine your gut. How does your gut feel about it? Good. Now hold on to that gut feeling. Nurture it. Feed it. Why not try Thai food today? Or Sushi. Or Indian Curry. Cook up a few healthy turds for "Poop for Peace" Day. Just hold on till tomorrow. It should be an explosive event.

    Jim J. Buttock's picture

    When I see the turd I'll definetly think of John Elway.

    The Shit Volcano's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

    So what does it mean if you leave such a massive log or diarrhea mound that it clogs the toilet?

    I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

    The Poo's picture
    m 1+ points - Newb

    Don't think about pooping for peace - do it. It is your duty to mankind. Let the wrongs of our world flush away with your terrific turd. Amen, PoopReport!

    Poopster39's picture
    l 100+ points

    Shit Volcano: I see a poop mound such as you described as a symbol of unity. Imagine if all mankind were to join as one united throng, pooping for peace. We would be unbeatable. Like a massive grogan clogging the shit can. Excuse me. I have something in my eye.

    Haleigh's picture

    this is a pretty clever "holiday" im celebrating and spreading it around

    Hugh G. Rexxion's picture

    If the poop I just took is anything like the one I'll take tomorrow, I might have an hour to reflect on these issues.

    Marcos's picture

    Im sorry this is just disturbing.

    Nah im just in a bad mood cause im PISSING STR8 BLOOD TODAY.

    The Holy Shitter's picture
    l 100+ points

    I for one applaud the article you just wrote Dave. Masterful and thought provoking; truly a seminal work.

    I also join "The Movement" this day. I did my business.

    Tronald Dump's picture

    I went out for a big dinner last night, at which I drank a great deal of beer. I've just had two big cups of coffee and a couple of prunes for breakfast.

    Just doing my part.

    Turd77's picture

    I always poop ONCE in the morning after coffee. Today, being a holiday I forced another one out after dinner. I am a patriotic soul. Your welcome

    ThreePly's picture

    I tried to poop for peace last friday, and even get in on the conference call. Unfortunately, I was denied on both fronts. A mean dump snuck up on me the night before and totally cleaned me out before I could spread peace and love through my toilet. I fear another year of war and hatred because of my failed attempts.

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