Shitexpress: Just In Time For The Holidays

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In need of holiday gift ideas? Maybe you’d like to level up your office’s Secret Santa gift swap, because someone keeps stealing your lunch. Maybe your neighbor deserves a little extra attention for waking you up every Saturday at seven a.m., because that really is the best time to mow the lawn. Maybe your ex-significant other has earned a little brown “thank you” for under the tree this year, seeing as that walking nightmare fucked your best friend, stole your Xbox, and shaved your cat.

Well you’re in luck, Scroogy McGrinchypants. The hot purchasing choice for disgruntled holiday shoppers this season is poop in the mail via The Shitexpress. The people from Shitexpress have a vision: “to provide sustainable shit delivery service.” Yes, Shitexpress is a company with goals.

This isn’t your Gramma’s poop in the mail, though. No, this poop in the mail is even more anonymous than before. The Shitexpress Cleveland steams into town on the back of not only anonymous packaging, but anonymous payment, accepting bitcoins, litecoins, and dogecoins. That’s right, for $16.95 American you can mail poop. For 0.05 bitcoins, you can mail poop with no way to trace it back to you ... so your boss won’t know who to blame.

If I had any complaints about these types of “services,” they concern what type of poop one may choice to send. The poop is usually from a herbivore. Currently, horse patties are the poop de jour, and frankly, horse patties don’t smell all that bad. Maybe that’s the point; after all, if dog crap was used, the packages would smell so bad that they would be flagged at the post office.

But one can dream.

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1 Comments on "Shitexpress: Just In Time For The Holidays"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Horse poo is totally innocuous. If I were really pissed at someone I would prefer mailing them a grogan produced by a hobo who just had a diarrhea attack under a local bridge after dining on questionable garbage from Mickey Dee's dumpster.

When I was a hillbilly child we used horse poo in our mock battles. After a day or two of drying they were just right for tossing at a friend's head. Horse poo dries in balls that are just the right size to fit your hand. We called them "horse apples" and hurled them gleefully at friends. When they were properly dried they left no mark but the ones that were still gooey in the middle were more fun to toss because of the satisfying "splat" they made when they hit their target.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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