I will try to make a long story short. On February nineteenth of 2010 I underwent surgery for a pilonidal cyst removal. The cyst was on the top of my butt crack. The infections spread, so my medical team made a seven-and-a-half inch incision from the top of my butt crack all the way to two inches away from my rectum. The two months of healing were great; I was seventeen years old. Fun, right?

I came home from my surgery and went to sleep. Then, the healing process began.

  • Day One - I spent the day healing.

  • Day Two - I spent it just like I spent Day One.

  • Day Three - I had ingested a lot of food in the last three days and felt a poop coming on. I was taking a stool softener and a crap load of Vicodin and I was super constipated. There was no way I was gonna pop a squat and drop my load, though; my stitches would have burst.
  • Day Four - I spent this day trying not to think about my poop.

  • Day Five - OMG. I had to drop the kids off at the pool but I couldn't. I felt so gross and full of that nasty stuff.

  • Day Six - I woke up in pain with the word brown on my mind. I had to poo. I went for it. I waddled into the bathroom and dropped my pants. As I went to sit down I felt the stretch. I couldn't sit. Instead, I stood over the toilet and put toilet paper in the water to avoid a mudslide. I pushed. It wasn't coming out. I downed some more stool softeners and took a laxative. I went too bed.

  • Day Seven - It was poop day for sure. I performed the same drop-my- pants routine and stood over the toilet. I pushed. I felt the head coming out and I thought, "YES, IMA DO IT!" Then I feel the stretch in my stitches, and heard "dripdripdrip" below me in the water. I saw blood. But I kept pushing anyway, figuring that I was already bleeding, "The hell with it," I thought. I cried and screamed: "Get the hell out of me, you dirty piece of shit!"

    As I yelled this I heard "dropdropdropdropdrop" as five balls of poop splashed back to back into the water. On the inside of my thigh I felt the cold water splash. Ewww. I wiped and jumped in the shower, which was both a good and bad idea, because the sting was unbearable. Still, I felt a sigh of relief as I watched the poop wash off my legs and disappear down the drain. After I got cleaned up I looked in the toilet and I saw five meatballs just sitting there.

    "Thank God, I said and flushed that shit. I split an inch of stitches, but the wound healed. No more poop pain!

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8 Comments on "Lots-A-Meatballs"

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

You should have gone for a kielbasa, a little mustard sauce to ease its exit might also have been a good idea.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

Ah, now thatsa spicy meataballsa!

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Anonymous's picture

I thought they made you take clean out drugs before dook surgery. If that ever happens to me, I'm going on a taco bell and apple sauce diet until I heal up.

Anonymous's picture

you poor man-post surgery poops are painful. Some advice , man
Docusate or Colace, hell maybe Miralax. lots of water. do what you must
be kind to your behind-or you'll get it in the end :)

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Post-surgery pooping is the worst. Painkillers stop you up like you wouldn't believe--did they give you Miralax? That stuff usually does the trick for me.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I had my appendix taken out in a military hospital back in 1964. Afterwards I was in a recovery ward that was headed by a nurse, with the military rank of major, who seemed to take glee in exacerbating the agony of all who were recovering in her ward. If you, in your pain, were shuffling along at a slow pace she would shout at you, "straighten up, you'll never get better walking all bent over like that!"

I will never forget my first post operative dump. It had been about three days since I had been sliced open and, even though the eating had been light, it was finally time to pinch a loaf. I shuffled slowly to the bathroom while being berated for being a sissy by nurse Ratched.

I perched upon the throne and with tears in my eyes finally blasted out a golf ball sized chunk that was followed immediately by a few drops of the foulest smelling liquid that ever dripped from an anus.

The pain of forcing out the lump had caused me to use some rather unsavory language that had been discerned by the aforementioned nurse Ratched who threatened to enter the latrine and cure me of my foul language. I now wish she would have tried that. Her nose would have melted off her face.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

I'm mdlily interested that you're willing to spend the time moderating comments. By the time you've read the comment, your personal time has been wasted (like what I'm doing to you now . People who read comments on blogs (other than your own, obviously), I think they have time to spare. I mean, they're obviously bored .Anyone with anything significant to say wouldn't post it in a comment, but would make one of those Re: blog entries of their own, right? Because if you're going to write something significant, you'd want it to be visible, not hidden in blog comments.Ugh. What a stupid comment this was. Actually, I think you should delete this one, I've decided that it's a waste of everyone's time.But, I've already wasted my time writing it, so, on the theory that anyone reading comments is already bored, I'm going to post.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

One of the reasons we moderate comments is to prevent spammers from posting on our site. For example, your IP address has been connected with over three hundred email addresses that have all been reported as spam, such as filling in forms with absolute nonsense. I figured I would approve your post to answer it, to let you know that to us moderating comments is not a waste of time at all. I think our regulars would agree. We manage to provide our readers with comment threads that are not filled with solicitation and link-filled pharmaceutical spam messages.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

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