tell me about poop

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j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Vanessa asks:

I am doing a speech on poop for one of my college classes. Can you please send me some information. Thanks so much





Why Vanessa, I would be honored!

I went to nursing school, however. Not an actual college, (although we did have to take enough classes at a nearby college to garner a wussy Associate/Science deg. along with the RN.) So my college skills come down to a few hijinks that really do not serve me well when it comes to speech making. Especially about poop.

Most memorable of my psuedo-college activities was the day our dorm was going out for a picnic. This picnic was supervised by The Dorm Nazi. I was elected to figure out how to get some booze to the picnic for our academic pleasures. Being that I was only 18, the problem at hand was were to get it. Where do underage nursing students go for alcohol? Their favorite frat house, of course. Lambda Gamma Epsilon was the frat house of choice for my crowd. I learned to drink excessively there, a skill that has served me well to this very day.

After consulting with my mentors at LGE, it was decided that we would do the old "vodka in the watermelon" trick. Not original, but very do-able as we nursing students had access to syringes. I was given a bottle of vodka (never mind what I had to do for it) and the plan was born.

I spent the better part of the morning injecting said watermelon with the vodka. Unfortunately, we could only let it ripen for about 15 minutes before the picnic. The watermelon was lovingly transported in the back of the station wagon (this was a long time ago, when station wagons ruled the earth), by a bunch of giggling post high school student nurses.

In fact, we giggled and carried on SO much that The Dorm Nazi soon became suspicious of the fact that every time one of us even looked at the watermelon, we broke out into gales of laughter and dropping to the ground hysterically. We could barely eat the picnic food as the anticipation of watching the TDN (and all of us) eat the spiked watermelon.

As soon as she bit into her slice and we all exploded in laughter, her face became narrowed and pinched. "There's VODKA IN HERE", she thundered. I tried to look innocently away, but she zoomed in on me right away. I caved and admitted my role immediately. The other girls mustered forth fake indignation that they had "almost" unwittingly consumed alcohol. They shook their heads sorrowfully at TDN.

I was the only one punished. I had to appear before the board at our nursing school and convince them why I shouldn't be immediately expelled. Fortunately, I convinced them and after a stern lecture and a letter to my parents (my mother is STILL not speaking to me, some 25 years later) I graduated and went on to the greatness that is PoopReport.

Now, as to your Poop speech. Here goes some info, some of which I learned here, on this very site:

  1. Poop is brown, although sometimes it likes to wear different colors such as green, yellow, orange, red, or even almost white.
  2. Poop can be many different shapes and consistencies. Hard as a friggin' brick to pure liquid. Doesn't matter to poop.
  3. Poop generally smells bad.
  4. People don't like to hang around places that are used for pooping (like Walmart bathrooms).
  5. Poop doctors do unspeakable things to your ass, and you pay them to do it.
  6. Poop is funny.

So, dear Vanessa, I hope my contribution helps your Poospeech. Good luck!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












10 Comments on "tell me about poop"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Also add this. Poop is used to study ancient cultures. Archaeologists take old shit to a lab, break it down with chemicals, and study the contents to see what people in ancient civilizations used to eat. What a shitty job! :-)

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Dee's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i had just gone poop and went back to my computer when my mother came into the computer room and immediatley said...it smells bad in here!!! she said it was me...but i did not fart at all. all i did was go poop in the bathroom before i came in here. so my question is...can the smell of poop travel with you and stick to you? and if so, how long until its gone?

MICK's picture

I'm a 25 yr old male, and for a couple of years now i've experienced anal leakage & bright red blood on toilet paper. I'm a large man and beleived this was something to do with sweat/heat.

But the other day I was out walking for no more than 15 min after pooping. ( i always wipe very very very very clean, you'll know what I mean.) And I had to stop behind a building and check myself with a tissue. I actually thought I'd pooped myself. I'd never seen as much blood in all my life. I'm really worried. I don't want to show my doctor my bum.

I need to know what it could be.

ps I recently developed a lower back problem ?????

Mick

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

i'm afraid you're probably just gonna have to suck it up and go to the doctor.

it sounds like something serious, and chances are, the longer you wait, the worse it will get.

going to the doctor isn't fun, but it's gotta be better than the alternative. especially if the alternative is death!

i love poop.

Anonymous Coward's picture

have you ever had purple poop, i have.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

What did you do? Eat Barney the Dinosaur?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Sneaky Pooper's picture

to Mick,
I only know of two possible conditions that could cause that much blood in the stool (but I'm no doctor, nor do I play one on TV).
One is Hemorrhoids, which can be painful or become infected if left untreated.
The other possibility is colon cancer........
Either way you should go to a doctor... soon

Anonymous Coward's picture

i went poop and it was pure liquid. for like 2 minutes. and orange. is this normal?

Anonymous Coward's picture

I poop poop. I dont poop anything else

meowpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

it is so simple read every single storie on this danging site for petes sake! -- what smells? shit!

-- what smells? shit!

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