when i sobered up, my poop got boring

// // 11 Comments
j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Dookie Dog asks:

I used to sit on the can for hours and shit to my hearts content, reading the L.A. Times and then the local Santa Barbara paper, which I would also use to wipe my ass because that's all it's good for. Anyway, I was drinking about a case or two of Coors Light per day. I'm a big guy -- I used to down a lot of alcohol and the day after I'd crap out these humungous turds, you couldn't flush them. I had to bury them in the yard. Fuck, my tomatoes were the pride of the neighborhood.

Well, one day I sobered up, quit drinking. This was a sad day for my toilet, a very sad day, 'cause I could not shit. I mean WHATDAFUCK..... I am a little older now -- forty-five -- my shit is forced. No longer do I sit for hours -- it's just one blast then it goes limp. I have been to the doctor they tell me I'm normal, BUT I'm not normal and I can't shit like I used to. Please help me poonurse, I don't know where else to turn.





Dear Dookie Dog,

So, what's the problem? Before you were sitting on the can for hours (bad, very bad idea -- can lead to hemorrhoids). You WERE pooping tremendous logs that you had to bury in the back yard (which I doubt -- why didn't you just chop them up with coathangers like normal people do?) and feeding enormous shit-fertilized tomatoes to your neighbors.

Now you are "just going one big blast then it goes limp." If we are still talking about your crap, I don't see the problem. Do your reading somewhere else besides the can. Miracle Gro will do wonders for your tomatoes, too.

Thanks for asking Poonurse!

_________________

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












11 Comments on "when i sobered up, my poop got boring"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Your butt is probably used to the high alcohol content of your shit. It won't accept anything less. In other words, you have an alcoholic ass.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

friend's picture

hi i am writing on behalf of my friend he is currently suffering from a shitting disorder apprently the last time he had a shit was 2 weeks ago and w'eve been to the doctor about his problem the doctor speificed that he should have a aseptamena'sory dunno name for it' but apprantly it helps shit everything out he would have to stay at the hospital for about a week but when we got there he refused to go on with it which i think hes not comfertable with and now he has to wait a year waiting list to be put on for another 1 they say if he keeps this up the next 4 years will be his last and as friends we are concerned is there any way of helping his shit come out without hospital use any home rememdies to help? or practical use of gettin him to shit thanks for your time.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Everything gets boring without beer, now I digress.

Beer is known to alter bowel habits. Try more roughage.
_______
Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

TSV....Your response "you have an alcoholic as " had me rolling!!!!
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

PoopMcgee's picture

Hey! latley Ive been having ferocious outbursts of shit attacks! Now, i have a pension for extremely spicy foods, so when it blasts out it burns my anus. Sometimes my shit is liquid, other times it is solid, but mostly it is a combination of the two. Often when i look into my trousers, and see what apears to be melted chocolate with chunks of reeses and candy corn with swirls of cherry suace, I get hungry. But trust me, I know from many unpleasent experiances that that is not what it is. Anyway, im getting off track. What I wanted to ask is how can I stop these random ass sneezings. They happen at the most inconvenient times of the day and are quite loud. It happens while at an important meeting at work (The coworkers do not enjoy this. Sometimes I wear shorts on casual friday and my tangy butt nuts roll down my legs onto the floor.), while at my kids soccer practice, while eating, while making love, and at other embarrassing times. Can you help me Poonurse? Your my only hope!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Ok, here's the problem. Glaucoma, kidney stones, and I stopped drinking. I used to shit regular. Once in the morning. A nice big fat log. Boom, and it was out. Now, I haven't shit in a week! What's going on here? Is it the stones? The Glok? Please nurse o poopy, help me!

Small and Solid's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Bourbon shits can be really firm and difficult to dislodge. Beer shits will shift the most bunged-up seasoned drinker. It sounds like you are normal and congrats for quitting beer.

upie p's picture

i never shit for about 19 years of my living...what is my problem??plz help me....plzzz.plzz n plzz..my farts smell like a pig shit....help.....

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

WTF?! Did you just say you haven't taken a shit for 19 years?
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Leandra, can't you recognize a peer? This was submitted by a 11 to 14 -year-old female with two friends by her side, giggling at the sight of the words "fart" and "shit' in print.

Logjam

LeandraCullen's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

If those things can be called my peers, I may have to kill myself.
_______
Peace, Love, Twilight.

The Original Grasshopper

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