my ass the salad shooter

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j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Olly asks:

I poo salad. I shoot it from my bum. Sometimes it's just a piece or too, and sometimes it's like a whole goddamn head of lettuce. Am I abnormal? Do other people suffer from this terrible affliction or is it just me?





Dear Olly,

Thanks for the question.

I don't think you have much to worry about. Probably just some improvements in your chewing techniques will solve your dilemma.

However, I am only Poonurse. I am not a medical doctor. Please do not use rely on my lowly advice. Consult your doctor if you continue to shoot salad out of your butt.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?












45 Comments on "my ass the salad shooter"

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

To add my two cents: I've read that this happens due to an under-active digestive system. Your body seems unable to break down vegetables in the way it should. Poonurse is right -- chewing better will help break up the vegetables to make it easier for your stomach. But at the same time, you should go see a doctor.

Turd Hugegrunt's picture

Poor poopin' Ollie:

You may want to wash off all that waxy stuff they spray on produce to keep it "fresh." Your digestive juices may not be sufficient to cut through the protective coatings.

Another possibility is that a demon may inhabit your bowels and is causing less than complete digestion of your roughage intake. You can determine whether you're hosting a digestive disorder demon by carving a very small cross out of a sweet potato and swallowing it whole. Please make sure the cross is indeed small enough to swallow without discomfort or distress to your tubes or you make choke!

If you have a demon in your guts, the cross should chase him out lickety split. Just in case, be ready with a net to catch the hairy little monkey as he comes flying outta your butt.

Peace in the Poopchute.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

McDonalds is hiring butt salad shooters for their shaker salads. You should apply.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Dipshitty's picture

I poo salad all the time. In fact the salad will bypass all other food I ate and go to the frnot of the exit line. Whole leaves. DOn't worry dude.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Try chewing your salad better. It can't be digested if it isn't chewed. For some reason leaves are weird that way.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

elvis pakistan's picture

I also poop salad and Its really strange because i never eat salad.

salad shooter's picture

This happend to me to for the first time today i shit out a whole salad i had just ate a few hours prior. it freaked me out so i got on the net to see what i could find and i ran into this! Thanks for the help guys

poostachio's picture

^^

hey, me too, shooter! i typed-
"i eat salad, i shit salad." into google, and look what pops up! fantastic!
well, even if im sick, at least im not alone!
thanks!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

OMG! How have I missed this thread? So funny!

To Ollie, I would have said, "Stop swallowing whole heads of lettuce.", but the original question was so long ago...

To Elvis Pakistan (???, btw) cracked me up. You're a medical miracle able to PRODUCE PRODUCE! You should hook up with Ollie at McDonald's as TSV suggested!

And to Poostachio~ Great moniker, man!

poo poo and salad's picture

My twin boys (now three) have been singing a song since they could speak it goes like this: "poo poo and salad, poo poo and salad, poo poo and salad..." you get the drift. They think it is hilarious and so do I. I have never seen them poo any salad though, only sweetcorn. Which is nice.

Phillip DeCrapper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Wow, that little song is funny. Yesterday I pooped out a BUTload of corn; today it was salad. I have found if you eat real nice greans and spinach, instead of the regular ice-berg and romaine hearts, you will shoot less salad. I think that the leafier the lettuce, the easier it is for the body to break down. Of course, chewing would help.

MudBlower22's picture

I too eat Salad and within 1 hour................Bam!! it Flies out of my ass like a Leaf Blower. No Prime Rib, No Potatoes, No Death by Chocolate just chewed up lettuce. I even eat my salad last and it always budges to the front of the line. I have a beer and everything is cool.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I always have green poo when I eat salad

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Those whith salad shooter asses. Look on the bright side, you have a portable salad bar.

If you want salad, drop your drawers, and start shooting. Instant salad.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Nutty Slack's picture

Hey guys, this is amazing. You actually poo lettuce?! I bet that's handy when there's no paper left, huh? Infact, my colleague, Butt Crack (name changed to protect anonimity), has just told me that he's crapped lettuce on at least two occasions. He doesn't seem too bothered but then he does spout all kinds of other detritous quite regularly, so I guess lettuce is pretty much a non-event. Try crapping a cucumber, an avocado and some tomatos then all you gotta do with your asses is toss some salad. Good luck - lettuce know how it goes, ha ha ha!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Man, I poo all vegetables out just like they were chewed, everything, tomato, zuchinni, mushroom, lettuce, anything thats relatively good for me my body pushes it out faster then anything else.... wtf?!?! i need those vitamins, at least i know im not the only one. and yes, i chew, but it'll come out little chunks or big ones... it doesnt care as long as its out, undigested... i believe the demon theory.....

Anonymous Coward's picture

Puts a whole new meaning to "tossing the salad"

Anonymous Coward's picture

Are you eating the salad on an empty stomach? Try eating some soluble fibre, like a small piece of bread or a sweet potatoe, about 20 minutes before you eat the salad.

Anonymous Coward's picture

i have the exact problem. Within 2 hours or less of eating a salad I shit large green leaves of salad. It doesn't matter what I eat before or after. I was concerned that I might have some type of digestive disorder.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I have a cousin who has been pooping caesar dressing and croutons for a while now. Maybe you guys should get together.

danie's picture

i thought i had digestion problems too.. i feel better knowing i am not the only one.. i also thought it was the tea.. i drink tea and orange soda.. i thought they just offset it and made me poop out everything

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

PD........Could you introduce me to your cousin? Anchovies are barely altered by their trip through my intestines.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

He's working a cruise ship Chief. You'll know him if you see him. Black pepper grinder in his hand and pants around the ankles.

wombatau's picture

Lettuce! That's what it is. Excellent, I thought I had just pooped skin, as if I had began to poo myself inside out.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

wouldn't this make a great infomercial? the new and improved Ass Salad Shooter! for only 12 easy payments of $29.95 this too can be yours! Use it at parties, holiday gatherings, or whenever you need a quick salad! Clean ups a breeze just a quick squirt of water and walah its ready to use again and again. Call Now operators are standing by! Call 1-800-ASS-SHIT to order the amazing Ass Salad Shooter!

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

But call in the next fifteen minutes and we will send you two tubes of Mighty Putty and a set of Shamwow's. Just pay seperate shitting and handling.

Billy Mays

AssCockShitFace's picture

It's probably not German Lettuce cause you know they make great products or at least that is what the SHAM WOW dork fucking said.

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You just set it and forget it!
_______
Oops I did it again, I shit when I fart, I crapped in my pants.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

PoopShot's picture

I hate f*cking salad. Doesn't matter what kind, 60 minutes or less out it comes like a bat out of hell.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I don't actually have a salad shooter myself, but my husband does and he is constantly calling me in to look at it once it's made. . Seriously folks, I don't wanna look, but he makes me. .

Ceasar Shooter's picture

I also shoot salad regularly. But I eat like a shark (close to no chewing) so no suprises there. I'll try chewing very well and having a look then report if I'm still shooting salad.

Asstronaut's picture

I shit salad out of my ass all goddamn day today. I had an assload of pasta and a small dinner salad last night, but my shit is 100% salad!

Mr Poo's picture

I poo green leaves too. However, I found that if you eat red pickled beets and a salad, you can make a nice red/green christmas toilet decoration...

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I poopped out a small piece of chicken last night. I guess that make me a chicken shit.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

RaftBacker's picture

Dude, I shit an entire ear of corn once. Yesterday, an entire head of broccoli. I now have to pack beach-sized towels in my gaping starfish just to keep from dumping all over the street. It's really got my game down...

Anonymous Coward's picture

I too often have a very bad time of it when I eat leafy salad or some other veggies. For almost a year I had no really solid poop, and when I ate any veggies within an hr. (usually 15 minutes) I would cramp horribly and the food would come out with large quantities of water. I would break into a cold sweat and have to lay down afterwords. Look up dumping syndrome. That is what I had and sometimes have as a result of Lupus. I get inflammation in my colon a lot like folks with ulcerative colitis. When my colon is inflamed, I really have to limit the veggies. When it is not inflamed, I can eat yucky iceberg lettuce salads if I eat them with something slow moving like a tater.

Pooping Patty's picture

This is the greatest find ever. Thank you for existing, all of you. You're funnier than cats. I was concerned about my lettuce butt. I feel better about my problem now.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Pooping Patty, Glad we could be here for you. Would you like a good paying job on the salad bar at Red Lobster?


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

There goes ChiefKimchiButt putting the moves on a fresh young Lettucebutt again. Have you no shame Chief?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Shane...er...shabe....hell....shage...damn, I can't even spell it.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

I timed it today. I ate a chef salad at 12:20. Shot it out of my ass at 1:30. It looked in perfect condition. Probably could have been eaten again (with extra dressing).

Anonymous's picture

Leafy poopers unite! I've eaten salad plenty of times before and this just happened to me today! I didn't know what was going on, why did I have leafy green poo? So weird.

Anonymous's picture

I had this issue earlier today as well. Was worried I was giving birth to a fucking cabbage patch kid or something.

Anonymous's picture

Shit is hilarious..I happen to notice I shit out tons of lettuce .thats probably cause I eat it about twice a day. Really want to see leafy shit though? Add some collar greens with a dab of hot sauce.you'll shit that for a couple of days... Now if you really want massive diahrea.eat late night mc.donalds, bet you will have swamp ass, with a slight touch of mud butt,let's be honest toilet paper just really doesn't get the job done after that explosion.as far as salad shooters go.my shit lettuce probably never lost its ceaser dressing flavor.

Anonymous's picture

That's not even funny bitch

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